“ Punch has risen to the very summit of his genius. There is, of course, good reason for this, as it is notorious that the richest humour is to be found in the lowly [Pg 6] walks of life, and flourishes chiefly in rustic places where folks are simple and character has been allowed to grow with something of that individuality we find in the untouched products of Nature. Your true humorist has always been in quick sympathy with the humblest of his fellow men. ”

“ Good looks wear badly, and good characters be of no account; but the gold's the thing for us. Why," he continued, meditatively, "the old house could be new thatched, and you and me live like Lords and Ladies, away from the mulch o' the barton, all in silks and satins, wi' golden crowns to our heads, and silver buckles to our feet."
Polly nodded eagerly. She was a Wessex woman born, and thoroughly understood the pure and unsophisticated nature of the Wessex peasant. ”

“ There for generations have dwelt the rustic family of the Peeps, handing down from father to son a well-stocked cow-shed and a tradition of rural virtues which yet excluded not an overgreat affection on the male side for the home-brewed ale and the home-made language in which, as is known, the Wessex peasantry delights. ”

“ It is well known, of course, that although I often write agricultural novels, I invariably call a spade a spade, and not an agricultural implement. Thus I am led to speak in plain language of women, their misdoings, and their undoings. Unstrained dialect is a speciality. If you want to know the extent of Wessex, consult histories of the Heptarchy with maps. ”

“ Punch hopes soon to be able to announce the successful rearing of the following novelties:—
The Cumberry.—This may be regarded either as a very long gooseberry or a very short cucumber, according to fancy. When fully ripe the skin is thin and the contents pulpy. Unripe it is like a cobble, and may be used as such. Mr. Punch is disposed to think that the over-ripe cumberry will be very popular at elections, especially when eggs are scarce. The hairy variety looks like a fat caterpillar, and makes very good grub.
The Mistletato, a happy combination of the romantic and the domestic. ”

“ I think the country is just sweet. I love to see the peasant returning to his humble cot, his sturdy figure outlined against the setting sun, his faithful collie by his side, and his plough upon his shoulder! ”

“ Hence it is not surprising that the Mistletato should combine the [Pg 66] nourishing qualities of the homely tuber with the sentimental associations of that plant which was revered by our Druid ancestors and is beloved by modern maidens. It should be a popular dish at wedding breakfasts.
The Pumpkonion promises well and seems likely to combine the amplitude of the pumpkin with the pungency of the onion. Mr. Punch is of opinion that a machine will have to be invented for dealing with this vegetable, as to handle it would be too severe a tax upon the cook's lachrymal glands. ”

“ He has found himself many times over, as a book has taken shape from his gatherings in the treasure house of Mr. Punch, saying "This is the best of the lot"—and usually he has been right. There is none but is "the best!" There may be one that is not quite so good as the other twenty-four ”

“ In the village worthy, in poor blundering Hodge, in the rough but kindly country doctor, the picturesque tramp, the droning country parson, the inept curate, the village glee singers, and such like familiar figures of rural England, the humorist has never failed to find that "source of innocent merriment" he might seek for vainly in more exalted ranks of our complex society. But he seeks among the country folk because his heart is there. The very best of Mr. Punch's humorists of the pencil, Charles Keene and Phil May in the past, and Mr. ”

“ An' they putt me under that theer chlorryfum—an' I simmed to go right oop into 'Evin—yes, I wur oop in 'Evin fur a toime, sure 'nough.
Second Rustic (with interest) . An' did ye 'ear a pianner?
Elderly Farmer (who is being applied to for the character of his late shepherd) . No, I never 'ad no fault to find wi' the fellow— (conscientiously) not as I knows on. He unnerstan's shep—I will say that fur 'en—he's a rare 'un at doctorin' of 'em, too. An' a stiddy chap an' that, keps a civil tongue in 'is yead, and don't go away on the booze. No, I aint got nawthen' to say 'gainst th' man. ”

“ From time to time there is a stampede of bewildered bullocks, whose hind legs are continually getting hitched over each other's horns. Connoisseurs lean over pen-rails and examine pigs reverently, as if they were Old Masters. Others prod them perfunctorily. The pigs bear these inconveniences meekly, as part of the penalty of greatness. Sheep look over one another's shoulders and chew nervously on one side of their mouths.
By the Pig-Pens
First Enthusiast. Did y' iver see sech a sow as that theer? ”

“ A Conundrum to fill up a Gap in the Conversation.—Why is a person older than yourself like food for cattle?
Because he's past your age (pasturage) .
Everything comes to the Man who waits.—Country Rector's Wife (engaging man-servant) . And can you wait at dinner?
Man. Aw, yes, mum; I'm never that hoongry but I can wait till you've done.
[Pg 34]
A QUESTION OF VESTED INTEREST
Vicar. "Well, gentlemen, what can I do for you?"
Spokesman. "Please, sir, we be a deputation from farmers down Froglands parish, to ask you to pray for fine weather for t'arvest." ”

“ Breakfast.—Always visit your poultry yard before breakfast. If unable to find a fresh egg, go to the cattle sheds. Remember that, where eggs cannot be obtained, a yoke of fine oxen beaten up with a cup of tea is most invigorating. ”

“ You see, marm, I've never blowed for that piece afore!"
[Pg 58]
FARM NOTES
How to Winnow Corn. 1st Method.—Get some corn. Get somebody who knows how to winnow it. Let him do it.
2nd Method.—If you know all about it, do it yourself.
3rd Method, for Beginners, given in Agricultural Terms. Place a steward near the blower, and let him drive the blower while the hopper is filled with a large wecht. (This is called the system of Hopper-ation.) Then let a woman with a small wecht slide down on a wheel crushing the blower with her shoes. ”

“ And, it must be added, that they might, had they felt so disposed, have stood as pressing concretions which chafe body and soul—a most disagreeable state of things, peculiar to the miserably passive existence of a Wessex peasant woman.
"Bonduca went early," she said, adding, with a weak irrelevance, "She mid 'a' had her pick to-day. [Pg 116] A mampus o' men have bin after her—fourteen o' 'em, all the best lads round about, some of 'em wi' bags and bags of gold to their names, and all wanting Bonduca to be their lawful wedded wife." ”

“ Most o' they candidates did all their 'tisin' with rubbishy flags and balloons—made in Japan, sir, every blamed one o' them! And they wonder British agriculture don't prosper more!
F. Ryemouth. Speakin' o' queer ways o' hadvertisin', hev any on ye set eyes on that farm o' young Fullacrank's? Danged if iver I see sech tom-fool notions as he's took up with in all my born days!
F. Fretwail. Why, what hev he bin up to now, eh?
F. Ryemouth. Well, I thought I shud ha' bust myself larfin' when I see it fust. Theer ain't not a board nor a sky sign; no, nor yet a 'oarding, on the 'ole of his land! ”

“ Squire's Daughter. "Do you think it is quite healthy to keep your pigs so close to the cottage?"
Hodge. "I dunno, miss. Noan of they pigs ain't ever been ill!"
[Pg 19]
VERJUICE!
Farmer's Wife (whose beer is of the smallest) . "Why, you hevn't drunk half of it, Mas'r Gearge!"
Peasant (politely) . "Thanky', mu'm—all the same, mu'm. But I bean't so thusty as I thought I wor, mu'm!!" ”

“ I 'ad one loike 'er, I 'ad. Eat three bucketsful a day, she did, and (with a sense of unforgettable injury) mis'able little pegs she 'ad with it all!
Second Enth. I go in fur Berkshire myself But Sussex are very good; they scale so much better 'n they look; full o' flesh they are—weigh a good stun moor nor ye'd take 'em fur, and then they cut up so well! (With a dreamy tenderness.) Yes, I'm fond o' they Sussexes, I am—very fond of 'em!
A Dealer (trying to dispose of a litter of small black pigs) . Seven good ole stiddy little pigs! ”

“ Nephew (on a visit to the "Old Country") . "Ah, uncle, in Canada we don't do our hay-makin' in this 'ere old-fashioned way."
Uncle. "Why, you bean't never goin' to tell I as you've bin an' turned teetotal?"
Reciprocity.—Parson. "I have missed you from your pew of late, Mr. Stubbings——"
Farmer (apologetically) . "Well, sir, I hev' been to meet'n' lately, but—y' see, sir, the Reverend Mr. Scowles o' the chapel, he bought some pigs o' me, and I thought I ought to gi' 'm a tarn!"
The Farmer for the Fair.—A husbandman.
[Pg 21]
Doctor. ”

“ Mrs. Bloggs. "Oh, yes, 'm, that he be. Why, ever since 'e took the pledge, he's been more like a friend than a husband!"
[Pg 162]
Scene.—A Country Drawing-Room.
Visitor (to old lady and daughters, one of whose hobbies is the keeping of a small herd of Jerseys) . "By the way, I didn't see you at our local agricultural show."
Daughter. "Oh, no! We never go unless we exhibit ourselves."
[Pg 163]
A Slight mistake.—Farmer. "Where 'ave ye been all this time? And where's the old mare—didn't ye have her shod as I told ye?" Jarge. "Shod! Law, no, marster. I bin a buryin' she! ”

“ I'll soon have this old rabbit in bits, now!"
[Pg 166]
"THE SIMPLE LIFE"
Charwoman. "If yer please, sir, th' landlord says as 'ow 'e can't do nothin', 'cos the thatcher's busy with the ricks."
[Pg 167]
"THE SIMPLE LIFE"
Mrs. Fitzpudgit. "What is it, dear?" Mr. F. "Nothing, my love. Only another puncture." ”

“ Farmer Stubbs. "Why, surely, missy."
Little Miss T. "Oh! Then I suppose you keep a bee?"
[Pg 170]
Country Barber (affably, to total stranger) . "Very tryin' weather this, sir. Makes you feel as if you'd like your body in a pond, an' your 'ead in a public-'ouse!"
[Pg 171]
The Rector's Daughter. ”

“ Third Farmer (enviously) . Well, you hevn't no call fur to cry out, neighbour! I see you've got a likely lot o' noo 'oardins comin' up all along your part o' the line. I wish mine wur arf as furrard, I know thet!
F. Fretwail. Ah, them "Keep yer 'air on" 's, you mean, Ryemouth. I don't deny as they was lookin' tidy enough a week back. But just as I was makin' ready fur to paint up "Try it on a Billiard Ball," blamed if this yere frost didn't set [Pg 90] in, and now theer's everything at a standstill wi' the brushes froze 'ard in the pots! ”

“ I tell 'ee what 'tis; it's time we 'ad some protection agen these yere furrin advertisements. I was travellin' along the Great Northern tother day, and I see theer was two or three o' them French boards nigh in ivery field, a downright shame an' disgrace I call it, disfigurin' the look o' the country and makin' it that ontidy—let alone drivin' honest British boards off the [Pg 94] land. Government ought to put a stop to it; that's what I say!
F. Lackaday. They Parliment chaps don't keer what becomes of us poor farmers, they don't. ”

“ F. Fretwail. Well, I 'ope theer wun't be no rain, neither, come to that. I know I 'ad all the P's of my "Piffler's Persuasive Pillules" fresh gold-leaved at Michaelmas, and it come on wet directly arter I done it, and reg'lar washed the gilt out o' sight an' knowledge, it did. Theer ain't no standin' up agen rain!
F. Ryemouth. I dunno as I wouldn't as lief hev rain as sun. My "Hanti-Freckle Salves" all blistered up and peeled afoor the summer was 'ardly begun a'most.
[Pg 92]
F. Lackaday. 'Tis a turr'ble 'ard climate to make 'ead against, is ourn. ”

“ F. Well, I dunno as theer was any partickler reason for 't. (He endeavours to think of one in a puzzle-headed way.) I s'pose I must ha' thowt I'd make a bit of a shift like—and theer ye hev it.
First Stock-breeder (to Second) . Well, an' how's Muster Spuddock to-day?
[Pg 148]
Muster Spuddock. Oh, 'mong th' middlins—'mong th' middlins. Pretty well fur an old 'un?
First Stockbr. An' how's trade with you, eh?
Muster Sp. (beaming) . Oh, nawthen' doin'—nawthen' doin' 't all!
First Stockbr. (with equal cheerfulness) . Same 'ere, sir—same 'ere. On'y thing that's got money has been th' dead meat. ”

“ Amateur Gardener (to goat-fancying neighbour) . "Hi, madam. One of your confounded pets has got into my garden, and is eating my bedding-plants!"
Neighbour. "Good gracious! I trust they are not poisonous!"
[Pg 84]
More Amalgamation.—Parish Councillor. "Wull, I do voate that the two par'shes be marmaladed."
Chairman. "Our worthy brother councillor means, I understand, that the two parishes should be jammed together!"
[Pg 85]
Village Gossip. ”