Noel Coward

“ Helen
I’m sure you will.
Pawnie
I expect Florence will just go on and on, then suddenly become quite beautifully old, and go on and on still more.
[8]
Helen
It’s too late now for her to become beautifully old, I’m afraid. She’ll have to be young indefinitely.
Pawnie
I don’t suppose she’ll mind that, but it’s trying for David.
Helen
And fiendish for Nicky.
Pawnie
Oh, no, my dear; you’re quite wrong there. I’m sure Nicky doesn’t care a damn.
Helen
It’s difficult to tell with Nicky.
Pawnie
He’s divinely selfish; all amusing people are. ”

“ Nicky
You’ve wanted love always—passionate love, because you were made like that. It’s not your fault—it’s the fault of circumstances and civilization; civilization makes rottenness so much easier. We’re utterly rotten—both of us——
Florence
Nicky—don’t—don’t——
[181]
Nicky
How can we help ourselves? We swirl about in a vortex of beastliness. This is a chance—don’t you see—to realize the truth—our only chance.
Florence
Oh, Nicky, do stop—go away!
Nicky
Don’t keep on telling me to stop when our only hope is to hammer it out.
Florence
You’re overwrought. It isn’t as bad as you think. ”

“ Helen
We all do that a little.
Florence
[Laughing]
You’re awfully cruel to her, Pawnie.
Pawnie
She upsets my vibrations.
Florence
[Before glass]
I’ve taken a sudden hatred to this hat. [She takes it off.] That’s better—are you going to the “New Elaine” to-night, either of you?
Helen
I’m not—but Pawnie is, of course.
[24]
Pawnie
It’s going to be amazing—what a cast, my dear! Marvelous Selwyn Steele, Nora Dean, and that perfect woman, Lily Burfield——
Helen
I can’t stand her, she always over-acts.
Pawnie
[Incensed]
How can you, Helen! ”

“ Nicky
You ran after him up the stairs because your vanity wouldn’t let you lose him. It isn’t that you love him—that would be easier—you never love anyone, [186] you only love them loving you—all your so-called passion and temperament is false—your whole existence had degenerated into an endless empty craving for admiration and flattery—and then you say you’ve done no harm to anybody. Father used to be a clever man, with a strong will and a capacity for enjoying everything—I can remember him like that—and now he’s nothing—a complete nonentity because his spirit’s crushed. ”

“ You dance with Bunty, Pawnie—I’ll dance with Tom—come on.
[She and Tom dance.]
Helen
The great thing in this world is not to be obvious, Nicky—over anything!
[Florence and Tom dance, also Helen and Pawnie. Everyone talks at once, as in the beginning of the act.] ”

“ Nicky
[Vehemently]
Yes, everything! Don’t be a beast, Bunty; just try to see her point a little, even if you do dislike her. She is terribly silly about being “young,” I know, but she’s been used to so much admiration and flattery and everything always, she feels she sort of can’t give it up—you do see that, don’t you? And she hasn’t really anything in the least comforting [131] to fall back upon. She’s not clever—real kind of brain cleverness—and father’s no good, and I’m no good, and all the time she’s wanting life to be as it was instead of as it is. ”

“ Nicky
You’re not happy—you’re never happy—you’re fighting—fighting all the time to keep your youth and your looks—because you can’t bear the thought of living without them—as though they mattered in the end.
Florence
[Hysterically]
What does anything matter—ever?
[187]
Nicky
That’s what I’m trying to find out.
Florence
I’m still young inside—I’m still beautiful. Why shouldn’t I live my life as I choose?
Nicky
You’re not young or beautiful; I’m seeing for the first time how old you are. ”

“ Pawnie
One more tune, Nicky, before we go to bed——
Florence
Yes, just one——
Nicky
[Looking at Bunty]
I’ll play “I love you”—such a romantic tune.
[He puts on the gramophone.]
Bunty
Do.
[135]
Helen
What time’s everyone going up in the morning?
Florence
The ten-o’clock’s the best—we’ll have breakfast at nine downstairs.
Pawnie
[Confidentially]
Do you know that in London I can never do more than nibble a piece of thin toast, and whenever I’m away I eat enormously!
Nicky
How very peculiar!
Pawnie
Your tone revolts me, Nicky. You must never be irascible with your old friends. ”

“ Florence
I tell you I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Nicky
Mother—don’t go on like that; it’s useless. We’ve arrived at a crisis; wherever we go—whatever we do we can’t escape from it. I know we’re neither of us very strong-minded or capable, and we haven’t much hope of coming through successfully—but let’s try. It’s no good pretending any more—our lives are built up of pretenses all the time. ”

“ Nicky
Not so badly as I used to.
Bunty
You’re growing older.
Nicky
God, yes! Isn’t it foul?
Bunty
Hell, my dear.
Nicky
It’s funny how mother’s generation always longed to be old when they were young, and we strain every nerve to keep young.
Bunty
That’s because we see what’s coming so much more clearly.
Nicky
Wouldn’t it be terrible to know exactly?—I feel frightened sometimes.
Bunty
Why?
Nicky
We’re all so hectic and nervy....
[71]
Bunty
It doesn’t matter—it probably only means we shan’t live so long....
Nicky
[Suddenly]
Shut up—shut up....
[Enter Preston.] ”

“ One gets carried away by glamour, and personality, and magnetism—they’re beastly treacherous things.
Tom
You are wonderful.
Bunty
Don’t be silly.
[146]
Tom
You’re so cool and clear, and you see everything.
Bunty
I’m sorry—for Nicky.
Tom
Oh, damn Nicky!
Bunty
[Laughing]
Oh, Tom!
Tom
Why, what’s up?
Bunty
You’re so dead set.
Tom
You’re worth ten of him any day. What’s the use of a chap like that? He doesn’t do anything except play the piano—he can’t play any games, he’s always trying to be funny——
Bunty
Shut up, Tom; you’re being rather cheap. ”

“ Helen
No thanks, dear.
Florence
Cocktails, then?
Pawnie
It’s too early.
Florence
[Ringing bell]
It’s never too early for a cocktail.
Clara
I should like to go quite quietly into a convent and never see anybody again ever——
Pawnie
Gregory would be bored stiff in a convent.
Florence
We’ve just been to a most frightful Charity matinée. Nothing but inaudible speeches from dreary old actors, and leading ladies nudging one another all over the stage. [Preston enters.] Cocktails, Preston, and ask Barker to wrap up my green fan for Miss Hibbert to take away with her. ”

“ Pawnie
Marion Ferris had that Poiret model copied in the most frightful blue!
Clara
I believe my shoe’s coming off.
Tom
Shall we stop?
Clara
No, it’s all right.
Florence
I wonder if you could gouge this cigarette-end out of the holder for me?
[84]
Bruce
I’ll try. [He does so.] I always smoke a pipe when I’m working.
Florence
How soothing!
Bunty
I suppose one can never really judge properly from a recital.
Nicky
Not with him, because he’s not dramatic enough.
Bunty
Dramatic pianists make me uncomfortable.
Helen
Pawnie, your tongue grows more venomous every day. ”

“ Bunty
Oh no, Nicky; it’s too intellectual.
[93]
Florence
There’s a Mah-Jong set in the drawing-room.
Pawnie
How divine! Let’s make up a table immediately.
Clara
I won’t be happy until some one gives me a set made entirely of jade.
Nicky
Come on, Bunty.
Bunty
[Looking at Tom]
I can’t play it.
Nicky
You can; you used to play in Paris with Yvonne. ”

“ There’s no harm in her anywhere—she’s just young inside. Can’t you imagine the utter foulness of growing old? ’Specially if you’ve been lovely and attractive like she was. The beautiful Flo Lancaster! She used to be known as that. I can remember her when I was quite small, coming up to say good night to me, looking too perfectly radiant for words—and she used to come to the school, too, sometimes, and everyone used to go mad over her, and I used to get frightfully proud and excited——
Bunty
I’ve never heard you talk like this before.
Nicky
I don’t think I ever have. ”

“ Florence
I’m different from other women—completely different—and you expect me to be the same. Why can’t you realize that with a temperament like mine it’s impossible to live an ordinary humdrum life. You’re not a boy any longer—you’re a man—and——
Nicky
I’m nothing—I’ve grown up all wrong. ”

“ Nicky
Pawnie and Helen and Clara are trying to teach Bruce Fairlight; he’s an awful fool at it.
[He sits down at the piano and plays absently.]
Florence
You must get Bunty out of that habit of contradicting everything people say.
Nicky
I don’t see why.
Florence
It’s bad breeding.
Nicky
[Striking a note viciously]
Who cares nowadays? We’ve all got a right to our opinions.
Florence
She seems to forget that I’m much older than she is.
Nicky
That’s no argument, mother; it’s silly only to remember your age when some one says something you don’t like. ”

“ Bunty
It’s circumstances and surroundings.
Nicky
Oh, that can be altered quite easily. We’ll change the shape of the house—we’ll take all that wall away and turn that into a studio—you love studios, don’t you?—then we’ll transform the drawing-room into an enormous aviary.
Bunty
It’s practically that now!
Nicky
And then we’ll——
Bunty
Shut up, Nicky!
Nicky
I’m only trying to be amenable.
Bunty
Are you, really?
Nicky
Yes, I’m putting up a sort of defense, Bunty. I have a feeling that you’re going to be unpleasant, [127] and I want to establish myself comfortably before you start. ”

“ Clara
Nicky dear, don’t be tiresome.
Nicky
[Recovering himself.]
I’m sick of playing. Let’s have the gramophone again. [To Helen.] Here’s a light, dearie.
[He takes match-box out of another pocket and lights Helen’s cigarette. She looks at him queerly for a moment, then he restarts the gramophone and everyone begins to dance again except Helen and Bruce Fairlight. Helen goes over to the fireplace and takes a coffee-cup from the mantelpiece.] ”

“ Florence
She’s a loathsome woman, isn’t she?
Helen
Not as bad as that.
Pawnie
She’s a half-wit. I can’t bear half-wits.
[27]
Florence
She goes on so dreadfully about things—devastating.
Pawnie
Funny Nicky liking her so much.
Florence
Only because she keeps on saying how wonderful he is—that always appeals to Nicky.
Pawnie
How old is he now?
Florence
Twenty-four. Isn’t it absurd to think I have such a grown-up son—old General Fenwick said last Thursday that—— [The telephone rings; she goes to it.] Hallo—hallo! Yes, my dear. How are you?... Yes, so am I, simply worn out.... No. When? ”

“ Clara Hibbert squashes down on [87] the piano-seat next to Nicky and endeavors with one finger in the treble to follow the tune he is playing. Helen and Pawnie stand right down close to the footlights, smoking and talking; their backs are half turned to the audience, but their remarks must be perfectly audible.]
Helen
Tom Veryan doesn’t dance as well as he thinks he does. ”

“ Florence
Father’s such a beast; he never will dance with me.
[51]
David
Is the Evening News anywhere about?
Nicky
Yes, here.
[He gives it to him.]
David
I’m so glad you’re home again, Nicky—don’t forget—come and talk....
[He goes out.]
Florence
David’s so much happier in the country.
Nicky
Why on earth doesn’t he retire and live at the house for good?
Florence
Work has become such a habit with him—he’s always hated giving up habits.
Nicky
Mother—I’ve got something rather important to tell you.
Florence
Darling, how thrilling! What is it? ”

“ Preston
Here is the fan, miss.
Clara
[Taking it]
Thank you so much—you are sweet, Florence. A fan gives me such a feeling of security when I’m singing modern stuff. [Preston goes out.] I must rush now——
Florence
Don’t you want a cocktail before you go?
Clara
No, darling—I should only hiccup all the evening. Good-bye, you’ve been such a comfort—good-bye, Helen—Pawnie, you will be nicer to me over the [23] week-end, won’t you? I shall be so depressed, what with Gregory going away and everything—Good-bye, Tom—I shall dine in bed and give way at every pore——
[She goes out.] ”

“ Florence is brilliantly dressed almost to the point of being “outré.” Her face still retains the remnants of great beauty. Tom is athletic and good-looking. One feels he is good at games and extremely bad at everything else.]
Florence
Helen—Pawnie, have you been here long?
Pawnie
No, only a few hours.
Florence
My dear. I’m so frightfully sorry—we’ve been held up for ages in the traffic. Davis is a congenital [18] idiot. Always manages to get to a turning just as the policeman puts out his hand. No initiative whatever. What’s happened to Clara? Has she been run over? ”

“ It’s that awful General Fenwick.... Good-bye, Pawnie dear. You’re coming down to the house on Friday?
Pawnie
Yes; too lovely——
[30]
Florence
Helen’s coming by the five-o’clock—you’d better travel together.
Pawnie
Perfect. [To Tom.] Are you ready?
Tom
Quite.
Pawnie
[As they go out]
You can drop me first, can’t you? I’m not as young as I was——
Florence
[At telephone]
Please forgive me. People rushing in and out, this house grows more like a railway station every day.... Now, General, that was a deliberate compliment. [She laughs.] Ridiculous man.... Very well.... Good-bye. ”

“ Tom
Oh yes, rather.
Clara
[To Nicky]
What’s on the other side?
Nicky
“You’ve got the cutest ears and eyes and nose.”
Pawnie
Do put on “Spoony Moon in Upper Carolina.”
[86]
Helen
No, don’t put it on, Nicky; play it yourself; you always make the gramophone go too quickly.
Bunty
Yes, go on, Nicky.
Florence
[Refusing Bruce’s offer of a cigarette]
No, thanks, not another—I’m dancing with Tom.
Bunty
[Gayly]
Missing one, Tom.
Tom
Righto!
[Nicky commences to play a fox-trot.]
Bunty
[Dragging Bruce to his feet]
Come on, Mr. Fairlight, don’t overdo the serious dramatist stunt! ”