Pelham Grenville Wodehouse

“ We're like two rogues in a pillory. ’Tis rank disgrace for one who wears a sword to stand as sentry o’er an empty hat. To make obeisance to a hat! I’faith, such a command is downright foolery!”
“Well,” said Friesshardt, “and why not bow before an empty hat? Thou hast oft bow’d before an empty skull. Ha, ha! I was always one for a joke, yer know.”
“Here come some people,” said Leuthold. “At last! And they're only the rabble, after all. You don't catch any of the better sort of people coming here.”
A crowd was beginning to collect on the edge of the meadow. ”

“ If you do not shoot you die with the boy. Come, come, Tell, why so cautious? They always told me that you loved perilous enterprises, and yet when I give you one you complain. I could understand anybody else shrinking from the feat. But you! Hitting apples at a hundred yards is child’s play to you. And what does it matter where the apple is—whether it is on a tree or on a boy's head? It is an apple just the same. ”

“ In a picturesque little châlet high up in the mountains, covered with snow and edelweiss (which is a flower that grows in the Alps, and you are not allowed to pick it) , dwelt Tell, his wife Hedwig, and his two sons, Walter and William. Such a remarkable man was Tell that I think I must devote a whole chapter to him and his exploits. There was really nothing he could not do. He was the best shot with the cross–bow in the whole of Switzerland. He had the courage of a lion, the sure-footedness of a wild goat, the agility of a squirrel, and a beautiful beard. ”

“ The death of Gessler was a signal to the Swiss to rise in revolt, and soon the whole country was up in arms against the Austrians. It had been chiefly the fear of the Governor that had prevented a rising before. It had been brewing for a long time. The people had been bound by a solemn oath to drive the enemy out of the country. All through Switzerland preparations for a revolution were going on, and nobles and peasants had united. ”

“ I am going to put this apple on your son’s head. He will be placed a hundred yards away from you, and if you do not hit the apple with your first shot your life shall pay forfeit.”
And he regarded Tell with a look of malicious triumph.
“Your Excellency, it cannot be!” cried Tell; “the thing is too monstrous. Perhaps your Excellency is pleased to jest. You cannot bid a father shoot an apple from off his son’s head! ”

“ I know you. And a nice sort of person you are, with your taxes on bread and sheep, aren’t you! You'll come to a bad end one of these days, that's what will happen to you. Oh, you old reprobate! Pooh!” And he had passed on with a look of scorn, leaving Gessler to think over what he had said. And Gessler ever since had had a grudge against him, and was only waiting for a chance of paying him out.
“Mark my words,” said Tell’s wife, Hedwig, when her husband told her about it after supper that night—"mark my words, he will never forgive you.” ”

“ Nobly is fulfilled the oath we swore to drive the tyrants from our land. Let the pole mark the spot where the revolution finished.”
“But is it finished?" said Arnold of Melchthal. “It is a nice point. When the Emperor of Austria hears that we have killed his friend Gessler, and burnt down all his fine new fortresses, will he not come here to seek revenge?”
“He will," said Tell. “And let him come. And let him bring all his mighty armies. We have driven out the enemy that was in our land. We will meet and drive away the enemy that comes from another country. Switzerland is not easy to attack. ”

“ Then it gradually dawned upon him that he had been hit by a mere common soldier with a pike. Then he was angry.
“Look here!" he began.
“Look there!" said Friesshardt, pointing to the cap.
“You've hurt my head very much,” said Tell. “Feel the bump. If I hadn’t happened to have a particularly hard head I don't know what might not have happened;” and he raised his fist and hit Friesshardt; but as Friesshardt was wearing a thick iron helmet the blow did not hurt him very much.
But it had the effect of bringing the crowd to
Tell's assistance. ”

“ Friesshardt and Leuthold lay on the ground beside the pole, feeling very sore and bruised, and thought that perhaps, on the whole, they had better stay there. There was no knowing what the crowd might do after this, if they began to fight again. So they lay on the ground and made no attempt to interfere with the popular rejoicings. What they wanted, as Arnold of Sewa might have said if he had been there, was a few moments' complete rest. Leuthold's helmet had been hammered with sticks until it was over his
eyes and all out of shape, and Friesshardt's was very little better. ”

“ Without a word Tell took the helmsman’s place, peering keenly into the cloud of foam before him. To right and to left he turned the vessel's head, and to right again, into the very heart of the spray. ”

“ The worst of a revolution is that, if it fails, the leader is always executed as an example to the rest. And many people object to being executed, however much it may set a good example to their friends. ”

“ While it was a quarrel simply between himself and Friesshardt he did not mind fighting. But when the crowd joined in he felt that it was not fair to help so many men attack one, however badly that one might have behaved. ”

“ Tell was left standing alone in the middle of the meadow by the pole. He scorned to run away like the others, but he did not at all like the look of things. Gessler was a stern man, quick to punish any insult, and there were two of his soldiers lying on the ground with their nice armour all spoiled and dented, and his own cap on top of the pole had an arrow right through the middle of it, and would never look the same again, however much it might be patched. ”

“ However, being anxious not to disappoint you, I have set up my cap in the meadow, and you may do reverence to that. In fact, you must. Everybody is to look on that cap as if it were me. (A voice: ‘It ain’t so ugly as you!) If I could catch the man who made that remark I would have him tied up and teased by trained bluebottles. (Deafening applause.) In fact, to put the matter briefly, if anybody crosses that meadow without bowing down before that cap, my soldiers will arrest him, and I will have him pecked on the nose by
infuriated blackbirds. ”

“ There is nothing I should enjoy more than slaying the tyrant, only I have an idea that the tyrant would slay us. You see my point?"
“Why were we so slow!" groaned Arnold. “We should have risen before, and then this would never have happened. ”

“ That’s what you want—guile, cunning. Not brute force, mind you. It’s no good rushing at a man in armour and hitting him. He only hits you back. You should employ guile. Thus. Observe.”
He had said these words standing on the outskirts of the crowd. He now grasped his cudgel and began to steal slowly towards Friesshardt, who had just given Werni the huntsman such a hit with his pike that the sound of it was still echoing in the mountains, and was now busily engaged in disposing of Jost Weiler. ”

“ A voice made itself heard from behind a rock not far off.
“Where did you get that hat?” said the voice.
“There!" grumbled Leuthold; “they’re always at it. Last time it was, ‘Who’s your hatter?’ Why, we’re the laughing-stock of the place. ”

“ Arnold of Sewa crept stealthily behind him, and was just about to bring his cudgel down on his head, when Leuthold, catching sight of him, saved his comrade by driving his pike with all his force into Arnold's side. ”

“ Walter and William were playing with a little cross–bow not far off.
“Father," said Walter.
“Yes, my boy?”
“My bow–string has bust.” (“Bust” was what all Swiss boys said when they meant “broken.’)
“You must mend it yourself, my boy,” said Tell. “A sportsman always helps himself.”
“What I say,” said Hedwig, bustling out of the house, “is that a boy of his age has no business to be shooting. I don't like it.”
“Nobody can shoot well if he does not begin to practise early. ”

“ He had no wish to live if life meant years of imprisonment in a dark dungeon of Castle Küssnacht. Drowning would be a pleasant fate compared with that. He lay at the bottom of the ship, hoping that the next wave would dash them on to a rock and send them to the bottom of the lake. The tossing became worse and worse.
Upon the deck Gessler was standing beside the helmsman, and gazing anxiously across the waters at the rocks that fringed the narrow entrance to the bay a few hundred yards to the east of Castle Küssnacht. ”

“ Neither of the soldiers noticed this. Friesshardt was busy arguing with Tell, and Leuthold was laughing at Friesshardt. So when the people came swarming up with their sticks and cudgels they were taken by surprise. But every soldier in the service of Gessler was as brave as a lion, and Friesshardt and Leuthold were soon hitting back merrily, and making a good many of the crowd wish that they had stayed at home. The two soldiers were wearing armour, of course, so that it was difficult to hurt them; but the crowd, who were no armour, found that they could get hurt very easily. ”

“ Walter had picked up the apple with the arrow piercing it, and was showing it proudly to all his friends.
“I told you so,” he kept saying; “I knew father wouldn’t hurt me. Father's the best shot in all Switzerland.”
“That was indeed a shot!” exclaimed Ulric the smith; “it will ring through the ages. While the mountains stand will the tale of Tell the bowman be told.”
Rudolph der Harras took the apple from Walter and showed it to Gessler, who had been sitting transfixed on his horse.
“See,” he said, “the arrow has passed through the very centre. ”

“ Why, don't the people of Switzerland think there are enough taxes?"
Arnold of Melchthal broke in hastily.
"They think there are many too many," he said. "What with the tax on sheep, and the tax on cows, and the tax on bread, and the tax on tea, and the tax——"
"I know, I know," Gessler interrupted; "I know all the taxes. Come to the point. What about 'em?" ”

“ The last words were spoken by Werner Stauffacher.
“We want a leader,” he said.
“I don‘t wish to thrust myself forward,” began Arnold of Sewa, “but I must say, if it comes to leading—"
“And I know the very man for the job,” said Werner Stauffacher. “William Tell!”
“Hurrah for William Tell!” roared the crowd, and, taking the time from Werner Stauffacher, they burst into the grand old Swiss chant which runs as follows:
“For he’s a jolly good fellow! ”

“ When the Governor finds that his oppression does not make us revolt, he will grow tired of oppressing.'”
“And what did you say to that?" asked Ulric the smith.
“I said he did not know the Governor if he thought he could ever grow tired of oppressing. ‘We might do much,’ I said, ‘if we held fast together. Union is strength,’ I said. ”

“ By the death of the Emperor the revolution in Switzerland was enabled to proceed without check. The successor of the Emperor had too much to do in defending himself against the slayers of his father to think of attacking the Swiss, and by the time he was at leisure they were too strong to be attacked. ”

“ Where I come out strong is in deeds. So don’t invite me to your meetings and make me speak, and that sort of thing; but if you want a man to do anything—why, that's where I shall come in, you see. Just write if you want me—a postcard will do—and you will not find William Tell hanging back. ”

“ This is the proudest moment of my life. To-day is a great day for Switzerland. We have struck the first blow of the revolution. Let us strike some more.”
Shouts of “Hear, hear!” from the crowd, many of whom, misunderstanding Tell’s last remark, proceeded to hit Leuthold and Friesshardt, until stopped by cries of “Order!” ”

“ I don't like to hear of your being lost on desolate ice-fields, and leaping from crag to crag, and what not. Some day, mark my words, if you are not careful, you will fall down a precipice, or be overtaken by an avalanche, or the ice will break while you are crossing it. ”