Peter B. Kyne

“ There's a lot of things I'd rather do with three thousand dollars, my love, than let poor, dear Marshall play horse with it."
"But, Jimmy, dear, we won't miss such a trifle. Why, we're rich."
"My love," said Mr. Cutten, "when you've handled money as long as I've handled it, you'll realize that riches have wings. I've been creeping along close to the earth for fifty years, and, by George, if there's going to be any flying, you and I will do it. I haven't a very high opinion of Marshall's business ability, although it would seem that a pool parlor would be about his limit. ”

“ Hackford was fond of games of chance on a small scale.
Mr. Cutten reflected that if he won he would be winning his own cigars, and if he lost he would be no worse off than he was before, so he was not interested in making a small bet.
"That old Uncle Jared of yours could settle this question in jig time," pursued Marshall. "Take a man who's studied snakes all his life, and written a book on snake worship, and there's darned little he don't know about a snake." ”

“ You've worked—har-har—too long under electric lights—har-har-har——" And Mr. Hackford leaned against the wall of the garage and commenced all over again. Jared Cutten stood staring at him, apparently undecided whether to fly into a rage and proclaim himself insulted, or take the whole thing as a joke.
"Yes, Marshall," said Mr. Cutten sadly. "I have worked under electric lights too long. But I worked for the Hackfords, and I was a fool to do it. This is my thanks—I——"
"The sight of you two serious-minded old nuts watching that snake would have made a cow laugh," proclaimed Marshall. ”

“ Mr. Cutten demanded. "Nature always provides a way. If nature had intended that a snake should not swallow an egg without the ability to assimilate it, the snake would leave the egg alone. It stands to reason. But that dog-gone snake has been guzzling an egg a day for ten days, and I know it——"
"It will take at least twenty-four hours, if not longer," said Mr. Hackford.
"Nonsense! Marshall, you talk like a child. If it takes a gopher snake twenty-four hours to digest a white Orpington egg, it stands to reason he wouldn't be hungry every day—and this fellow gets an egg a day, I tell you. ”

“ Now, to be stumped by a stranger is nothing, but to be caught asleep at the switch by the discoverer of the ferocious Argentine ant in America, and that man a mere nephew, was a matter which didn't sit well on Uncle Jared's stomach. ”

“ And all through a poor little joke conceived in the poor little brain of a ne'er-do-well relative.
EXCEPTING, of course, the average run of ills and minor trials to which every human being must inevitably fall heir, it would appear to those who knew him intimately that Mr. James R. Cutten's life had been singularly free from worry and annoyance. I suppose one might comb the ten largest cities of the world and fail to discover a more contented man, or a more efficient book-keeper and cashier, than James R. Cutten. ”

“ Cutten always knew just the right thing to say to divert an impending storm, and the right thing to do to keep her in fairly good humor, and as this knack of saying and doing the right thing apparently entailed no strain on his seemingly inexhaustible fund of gentleness and good humor, he managed to get along very well, and could, in all sincerity, brag that with him marriage had not been a failure. ”

“ A snake had swallowed a white Orpington egg—a simple thing like an egg, and here he was, appealed to by the only nephew who had ever appealed to him as worth the powder to—ahem! ahumph! that is, appealed to as the High Priest of Reptilian Lore—and unable to deliver the goods! It was terrible.
Uncle Jared realized that James R. Cutten was not a frivolous man, for he had discovered the Argentine ant. He realized that he was not an avaricious man, for he had requested his answer collect. He had not seen James for many years, but he had understood from hearsay evidence that James was doing well. ”

“ Instead, he would on the instant divest himself of his alpaca office coat, slam it into the wastebasket, and go home with joy in his heart, to devote the remainder of his days to scientific gardening and chicken culture. He would set traps for gophers and concoct deadly poisons for predatory bugs. And he would study astronomy. All his life he had longed for a huge telescope, such as one will frequently see in the possession of a patriarchal old gentleman in a city street on a clear, moonlight night, the telescope bearing a sign which says:
See the Man in the Moon for Five Cents. ”

“ Contemplate for a moment the blow to Jarcd Cutten's vanity—he who had studied the habits of every snake in every zoo in the world, and any number of snakes not confined in zoos—Jared Cutten, author of "Serpent Worship," the man who knew every kink and fold in the spine of a snake from the time it was a fish until it became neither fish, flesh, nor fowl, but a pterodactyl, and flew, and had a two-foot bill with teeth in it, and gradually grew into a snake and crawled! ”

“ Uncle Jared slapped him on the back. "Quite right, my boy. Quite right. A man must assert his authority occasionally, but for all that you shouldn't be so quick-tempered. It was a rattling good joke, come to consider it, although I was angry myself for a minute. ”

“ Hackford a stinging blow with the late lamented.
He continued to strike until Marshall, with a shriek of horror, broke from the garage, and fled for the house and the protection of Mrs. Cutten. Uncle Jared, filled with alarm at the sight of Mr. Cutten's terrible anger, attempted to restrain his nephew.
"Leggo!" shouted Mr. Cutten. "Leggo, I tell you. I'm a boob! I'm an ass! I'm a monkey, but too much is plenty, and enough is always sufficient. I've been taking dirt from the Hackfords for twenty years, but to-day it ends. ”

“ Egg is life size and intact. To decide bet please wire collect approximate period required for complete digestion.
Jared Cutten had just penned the last sentence in a paper to be read before the Anthropological Society, and entitled "Can Monkeys Talk? They Can," when Mr. Cutten's telegram was handed to him.
Imagine, if you can, an amateur scientist, nature faker, or whatever one may be pleased to term such a queer individual as Jared Cutten, presumed to be the court of last resort in matters snaky, receiving a telegram like that without being able to answer it! ”

“ According to all available information, he has been eating an egg a day, and if he's swallowed them whole his system must be plumb full of eggshells. The glazed eye is significant of a state of coma, common to all reptiles after gorging, although his actions for the past two hours are in direct contravention of that torpidity which we have every reason to suspect, under the circumstances. ”

“ Cutten admired and respected him; but his own decency and self-respect would not permit the veteran bookkeeper to join the horde of relatives who thronged around the old man, hoping his health was good, and disappointed because it was never bad. ”

“ Following the trend of his generous nature, he gave his wife a little checking account of five hundred dollars. Within sixty days she had spent it on her unmarried sister and her baby brother, Marshall, and was hinting for more.
A great many people make the mistake of assuming that an "easy mark" is devoid of common sense. That is a mistake. Mr. Cutten, while realizing that he had married the Hackford family, in a certain sense, saw no reason why he should stand and deliver. ”