R. C. Carton

“ Lucy enters in white biking costume; she steals downstairs, puts jacket on chair R., crosses to O.P. windows, opens shutters, and draws curtains—crosses to back and does the same; then waves handkerchief to Thorsby, and runs up stairs again; stands looking off, to see no one has heard; after a moment Thorsby enters; steals to balustrade and kisses Lucy's hand, which is on the balustrade. ”

“ Lucy. (crosses round and sits on tree seat R.) It was a queer way of showing his gratitude, seeing that I was then a particularly unattractive child, all elbows and knees.
Thor. Lucy!
Lucy. It's all right, don't be nervous; time has softened them down. (beckons him nearer) I have a notion that Jack has always funked the thing, but his colonel had given his orders, (he sits on table) don't you see? And that was enough for him. I don't regard discipline—military or parental—with the same amount of respect. British freedom means the right to make a fool of one's self in one's own way. ”

“ The good breakfast may be less easily obtained.
Lucy. Why?
Pil. Cook has left us? (crosses up to desk R., kicking the papers from his feet viciously as he goes)
Lucy. Oh! I'm sorry! She got up early, and made us some coffee, (takes hat up R. C.)
Dor. Then she knew?
Lucy. Of course she did! I told her.
Miss P. She would naturally take a prominent part in any duplicity. (crossing to window; Thorsby goes up after her to make his peace)
Lucy. That's all rot. She was a real good sort—a long way better than most of us (she goes to Dorvaston) Jack, old boy! ”

“ Lucy. Tell me—about—your life.
Car. My life! No. It's waste of time to discuss failures.
Lucy. You are a riddle—because you are—pardon me—a lady.
Car. Well?
Lucy. And yet—yet— (looking away) Who are you? What are you?
Car. The Vicar's cook. (their eyes meet) You will do me a favor, Miss Pillenger, if you will leave it at that.
Lucy. Oh, certainly! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be inquisitive.
(Church clock chimes the half-hour.)
Car. I'm sure you didn't.
Lucy. I ought to go down to the village. (crosses to French window)
Car. ”

“ Members of your profession don't generally make an appointment with cook in order to assure her of their respect.
Dor. Some of us may be a bit rackety, but we know a lady when we see one, and we shouldn't treat her any different because she chose to pretend to be a cook.
Car. Pretend?
Dor. (crosses C. and gets gradually to chair R. of table) Why, any duffer could see—I can see you were never meant to be what you are. These things generally come about through loss of coin—for instance, a woman's father speculates, and the home goes biff. He shuts up in his stride, and she takes up the running. ”

“ Now, for the Lord's sake get me a drop of whiskey to wash the parson out of my mouth.
Dor. (C.) Whiskey it is! Take potash with it?
Cray. A little potash. (crosses R.)
Dor. Right-O! Have a look at "Sporting Life"?
Cray. What d'ye fancy for the Leger?
Dor. Centipede! It's a dead snip. You should have a bit on it.
Cray. No, thank ye. Don't like the name—it's too spidery. (Dorvaston goes up to kitchen window unseen by Crayll. Crayll crosses behind chair, gets "Sporting Life," comes round L. of table, puts hat on ground, stick behind him, and starts to read paper)
Dor. Cook! Cook! ”

“ Dor. None at all. (Miss Pillenger glares at Dorvaston)
Pil. Hannah, I think we may pass (as they say in the House of Commons) to the orders of the day.
Dor. Hear, hear! (Pillenger looks at him)
Miss P. Well, Cook, since you express your regret (Dorvaston and Lucy laugh) I will say no more. Now as to this evening, you will be in sole charge of the house, (both men look up) as I have given Keziah permission to go to the Penny Reading—so I think we will make it a cold meal, as that will entail less washing up. ”

“ There's an 'url and 'e goes ridin' through a wood and 'e's all dressed up in armour, you know—just like the dish covers. (Cook crosses to window, gets knife basket and comes down to top of table) I say, Cook, when you lived in London did you ever see any 'urls?
Car. One or two.
Kez. And do they dress themselves up like that?
Car. Not as a rule. (cleaning spoons and putting them in basket)
Kez. My word, I wish I'd bin born a toff! They must find life come easy.
Car. (at top of table) Not always. Trouble is like a postman—sooner or later he knocks at every door. ”

“ Dor. Good morning, sir. Good morning, ma'am! (Miss Pillenger bows frigidly. Dorvaston crosses to chair)
Pil. Hannah was just—er—mentioning, as you entered, that—you——
Dor. (quietly beating the back of chair with shoe) Yes, I fancied I caught my name. What were you saying, ma'am?
Miss P. I was saying, Captain Dorvaston—— (she notices the shoe) What are you doing with that shoe?
Dor. Just picked it up.
Miss P. Why did you touch it? Your doing so seems to me to be strangely wanting in delicacy.
Dor. Don't see anything indelicate in picking up an old shoe. I found it on the garden path. ”

“ There ain't many women placed as she was who'd have done it. (goes up and leans on balustrade, thinking)
Car. Perhaps not. (pause—takes up tray and crosses C.; as she moves C. Dorvaston turns and places hand on tray) I must go now.
Dor. No, wait one minute. I'm going on duty directly. My duty is to make Lucy a happy little woman and I mean to do it. But you seem to be going down rather a lonely road and I want you to remember that somewhere or other there is an old duffer lumbering about the world who will never forget you—will you remember? ”

“ I thought he'd 'ave bust 'imself—I did reelly. (crosses to top of Gandy, places plates on butler's tray)
Gan. They told me to look sharp. It's wonderful they don't want a rest. (Caroline holds up dish of fruit salad; Gandy takes dish in both hands admiringly; then lets Cook put it on tray) So that's it, Cook? It looks lovely.
Car. Glad you like it.
Gan. (takes up tray) It ain't no good me likin' it, I shan't get none—they'll see to that. (moves to R. Keziah moves to follow him) Keziah, don't you come. You'll never wait at table—your mind can't rise above 'anding bread when nobody wants it. ”

“ I am no longer young, but my health is good, with the exception of a little periodic gout. My temper, if not invariably equable, is what a long succession of curates has made it; and as to worldly considerations, without being a rich man, my position is an independent one. ”

“ Miss P. You appear to be putting words into Captain Dorvaston's mouth.
Pil. No, pardon me, I merely say that such a line of defence would carry conviction to an unbiased mind. The army is proverbially a light-hearted profession.
Dor. Well, sir, I'm afraid I can't exactly say that.
Miss P. There!
Pil. In any case, Hannah, our friend Dorvaston is Lucy's responsibility. (leans on mantel)
Miss P. At all events, Cook is yours! ”

“ That belongs to Captain Dorvaston.
Cray. That's all right. (crosses to window) He knows me. He won't mind. (Cook sits L. Cray stands at window with whiskey, syphon, and glass in hand) A cook! That's what beats me. Why a cook? ”

“ Car. (back of table) News has reached me, in rather a roundabout way, that I have come into some money; so you see I'm independent—of Miss Pillenger—and the broom cupboard.
Dor. Really?
Car. Really!
Dor. You're not—pulling my leg?
Car. (smiling) No!
Dor. Then I'm devilish glad for your sake, and devilish sorry for my own. I thought at last I saw my way—to doing you a turn.
Car. (places her hand on chair at back of Dorvaston) My life hasn't been a very pleasant one, but in one respect I've been lucky, I have known two men who honestly tried to befriend a woman. ”

“ I have no wish, Hannah, to add weight to Cook's very arduous duties.
Dor. Hear, hear! (slaps the table)
Pil. (raising his voice) And therefore it seems to me—er—unmanly to lay stress upon possible digestive difficulties which fortitude and a little pepsin should enable us to face with calmness. Let the meal be a cold one. (Lucy has folded up napkin again, and taken "Standard" from back of chair, and is reading it)
Dor. Point of fact, it makes a pleasant change.
Miss P. But, Audley!
Pil. The question is decided. We will not pursue the subject. (pause)
Dor. (to Lucy) Anything in the paper? ”

“ Lucy. Jack was late last night. (sits and takes napkin out of ring)
Pil. He was. Creaking boots after midnight are a serious infliction.
Lucy. I'll call up to him if you like.
Pil. I should be indebted. (Lucy rises and goes up C. Mr. Pillenger takes napkin out of ring and puts it inside his collar)
Lucy. (goes up stage) Jack! Jack! (Captain Dorvaston opens window, he is in his shirt sleeves)
Dor. Hulloa!
Lucy. Breakfast!
Dor. What say, little woman?
Lucy. Breakfast! Kidneys! Devilled! (Mr. Pillenger, Miss Pillenger and Gandy all start)
Pil. Tut! tut! Broiled—broiled! ”

“ Did I hear the gate go? (crosses to window, then crosses to Crayll and shakes him and pulls him up) Wake up—you mustn't be found here. (she pulls him up)
Cray. Wha's matter?
Car. I must put you somewhere; you wouldn't be easy to explain away. (she half-supports, half-carries him up and into scullery; when there she allows him to droop into a sitting position against the sink; she then shuts the scullery door) Quite like old times! (looks out of window—brings work-box down, goes up to door and listens. Mr. Pillenger enters)
Pil. Hum! Cook! ”

“ Cook takes cake to larder, and then crosses back to window, brings glass tray down to top of table and puts glasses on it. Keziah rushes in after a slight pause, hastily dressed for walking, with large hat trimmed lavishly with flowers)
Kez. Ready at last, Cook! I'm always a cow's tail, ain't I? Thought I should never get into this dress. Miss Fletcher sent it 'ome so tight, I can't 'ardly bear myself, and no 'ook and eye at the neck, if you please. (crosses to Cook) Lend us a pin, there's a dear! (Cook gives her one, and stands watching her) Thanks! ”

“ Car. (glancing at Lucy, and also smiling) No, I don't think I do. (crosses C.) How do you go to Church?
Lucy. (rising) We are going to bike there. By-the-bye, would you tell somebody—Auntie or Jack—anybody will do—that I've run over to see my friend, Jenny Thornton, and they're not to wait breakfast?
Thor. (rising) My dear Lucy, ought we to involve a third person in our deception?
Car. The third person hasn't a very tender conscience in such matters. (to Lucy) I'll tell your little fib for you with pleasure.
Lucy. (leans over chair, sees shoe) There, Harry, I knew she would. Thank you, Cook. ”

“ Dor. Can't get the beastly door open. Something's wrong with the key.
Car. You'll be too late! (advances towards him)
Dor. Here! (opens door) What's this? Ah, the broom cupboard, any port in a storm! (goes in; Cook shuts door and stands there for a moment)
(Miss Pillenger enters.)
Miss P. Cook, I remembered I hadn't ordered to-morrow's breakfast. (crosses and sits R. of table)
Car. No. What would you like? (crosses to top of table)
Miss P. (sitting R. of table) Has Keziah returned?
Car. Not yet.
Miss P. Both my brother and Captain Dorvaston were too unwell to remain with us. ”

“ I've saved money—I'm sick of service, and I want to settle down. I know of a eatin' 'ouse to be 'ad—good situation—terms moderate—part cash down—remainder in monthly instalments. Will you marry me and take over the kitchen department?
Car. No.
Gan. (Cook crosses to oven and kneels and opens it) Don't be 'asty now. We should crush all local competition. Think it over careful. (looks at his watch again) I can give you a minute and a 'alf. I'm a staid respectable man, and I want a staid respectable wife. ”

“ Lucy. (crosses down again to Cook) It isn't good-bye—we're coming back as soon as it's over; and we mean to tell everything to everybody. So we shall see you again.
Car. One never knows what may happen. I think we'll make it good-bye. (puts hand on Lucy's shoulder) Now, go along and get married, and live happy ever after, as they do in the fairy tales. (Thorsby goes out of the window; Lucy follows, but turns and kisses her [Pg 61] hand. They go)
(Cook follows them to the verandah, and throws shoe as she returns for tray. Dorvaston enters from O. P. door.) ”

“ At that time in the evening you are certain to be drunk,—but try not to be too drunk to be coherent. I'll expect you at eight-thirty. (she goes up stage, stands at kitchen window; after she has gone Crayll picks up cigar from tray and draws at it, finding it out he throws it down violently and swears. He then pours out whiskey and drinks. Dorvaston comes out dressed for walking)
Dor. Ready, old chap? (Crayll half chokes)
Cray. In half-a-minute. (drinks more whiskey)
Dor. (speaking across to Cook) Ah! Cook! friend and I are going for a stroll.
Car. It's a pleasant day for walking. ”

“ Dor. How is our mayonnaise coming on? (Crayll looks up on hearing this)
Car. Very well, I think.
Dor. That's all right! (to Crayll, who has been listening vacantly) Shall we get along?
Cray. Yes. (Dorvaston goes out at the gate; Crayll puts hat on, takes stick, rises, crosses L. C., and looks back. As he does so, Cook turns and looks at him) Goodness A'mighty. (he then goes out at gate)
(After he has gone Cook comes down to the rustic table and takes up "Standard.")
Car. (reads) "Will Lady Huntworth communicate with Brampton and Stokes, Capel-Court, on a matter of considerable importance?" ”

“ Good-bye! (sits down on settle; she goes out)
(After she has gone Dorvaston sits pensively on the settle; there is a pause; all three sit staring at nothing; then Gandy enters with newspapers at window; he goes to Pillenger.)
Gan. (crosses to R. to Pillenger) "Standard!" (Pillenger takes it, but allows it to drop by his side; Gandy then crosses to Miss Pillenger) "Church Times!" (he then crosses to Dorvaston and hands him the other paper) "Sportin' Life!" ”

“ It's a devilish odd thing that every good woman is a bit of a coward, and she's always afraid of what people will say, especially if it isn't true.
Car. That description fits me less than any woman in the world. ”

“ Miss P. I must ask you to remain. I have a most [Pg 65] painful subject to talk over with you. (sits R.)
Pil. Need we deal with it now? Painful subjects should never be discussed on an empty—before breakfast.
Miss P. It does not admit of delay. We may have to face a serious scandal.
Pil. (crosses to chair L.) Scandal! I trust, Hannah, you are weighing your words very carefully.
Miss P. I am not in the habit of speaking heedlessly. What I have to tell you refers to Cook— (Dorvaston appears at the window—he has Miss Pillenger's shoe in his hand) —and to Captain Dorvaston. ”