Rudyard Kipling

“ I want you to be very kind to a very dear friend of mine — a Mrs. Scriffshaw. She doesn't come to dances much, and, being very sensitive, she feels neglected if no one asks her to dance. She really waltzes divinely, though you might not think it. There she is, walking out of the cloak-room now, in the high dress. Please come and be introduced. (Under her eyelashes.) You're an Irishman, Major, and you've got a way with you.
(Planting herself in front of Mrs. S.) Mrs. Scriffshaw, may I wah-wah-wah Decker? — wah-wah-wah Decker? ”

“ There was never a daughter of Eve but once, ere the tale of years be done, Shall know the scent of the Eden Rose, but once beneath the sun! Though the years may bring her joy or pain, fame, sorrow, or sacrifice, The hour that brought her the scent of the Rose she lived it in Paradise! ”

“ Just like a big, strong angel's! I wonder what he is so happy about? How he sits his horse! And he hasn't anything round his neck, and he'll catch his death of cold! If he sees me riding in this direction, he may stop and ask me why, and I can't explain. Fate's against me tonight. I'll canter past quickly. Bless you, Charley!
(Canters up the main road, under the shadow of the pines, as Hawley canters down. Dandy's hoofs keep the tune 'There was never a daughter of Eve' etc. All Earth wakes, and tells the Stars. The Occupants of the Little Simla Cemetery stir in their sleep.) ”

“ Mrs. H. (As she sees gratified expression of the Viceroy's and Hawley's lowered eyes.) I am sometimes sorry that I am a woman, but I'm very glad that I'm not a man, and — I shouldn't care to be an angel. (Mrs. Scriffshaw and May pass — the latter properly laced, the former regarding the lacing.) So that's settled at last.
(To Mrs. S.) Your husband, Mrs. Scriffshaw? Yes, I know. But don't be too hard on him. Perhaps he never did it, after all.
Mrs. S. (With a grunt of infinite contempt.) Mrs. Hauksbee, that man has tried to lace me! ”

“ May. No; Please don't hold my stirrup! I can manage perfectly, thanks!
(Canters out of the garden to side road shadowed by pines. Sees beneath her the lights of Simla town in orderly constellations, and on a bare ridge the illuminated bulk of the Simla Town-hall, shining like a cut-paper transparency. The main road is firefly-lighted with the moving 'rickshaw lamps all climbing towards the Town-hall. The wind brings up a few bars of a waltz. A monkey in the darkness of the wood wakes and croons dolefully) . ”

“ Hauksbee, who is seated on an easy-chair by an alcove.) But it was so awfully sudden!
Hawley. My dear infant! When a girl throws herself literally into a man's arms —
May. I didn't! Dandy shied
Hawley. Don't shy to conclusions. That man is never going to let her go. Come!
(May catches Mrs. H.'s eye. Telegraphs a volume, and receives by return two. Turns to go with Hawley.)
Mrs. H. (As she catches sight of back of May's dress.) Oh, horror! Assunta shall die tomorrow! (Sees Scriffshaw fluctuating uneasily among the chaperons, and following his niece's departure with the eye of an artist.) ”

“ May, go to the cloak-room at once, and wait till I come. I wonder you expect any one to speak to you after this! (May hurries down corridor very considerably agitated.)
HIS Excellency. (As May passes, slightly raising his voice, and with all the deference due to half a dozen Duchesses.) May an old man be permitted to offer you his arm, my dear? (To Mrs. H.) I entreat — I command you to delay the catastrophe till I return!
Mrs. H. (Plunging into the darkness, and halting before a dead wall.) Oh! I thought there was a way round! (Pretends to discover the two.) Mrs. Scriffshaw and Mr. Hawley! ”

“ Scriffshaw. Your aunt may be back at any moment. I can't face her.
May. Well?
Scriffshaw. Let's go to the dance. I'll jump into my uniform, and then see if I can't put those things straight. We may just as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb. (And there's the chance of a rubber.) Give me five minutes, and we'll fly. (Dives into his room, leaving May astounded.)
Scriffshaw. (From the room.) Tell them to bring round Dolly Bobs. We can get away quicker on horseback.
May. But really, Uncle, hadn't you better go in a 'rickshaw? Aunt says —
Scriffshaw. We're in open mutiny now. We'll ride. ”

“ Assunta. It shall come; and it shall be of the best. (A snake is a snake, and a bearer is a thieving ape till he dies!) I go. It was the fever of the child — the littlest babe of all — remember. (And now, if my lover finds I am late, he will beat me, judging that I have been unfaithful.) (Exit.)
(At half-past nine enter tumultuously May, a heavy shawl over her shoulders, a skirt of smoke-coloured tulle showing beneath.)
May. Mrs. Hauksbee! Oh! She isn't here. And I dared not get Aunt's ayah to help. She would have told Uncle John — and I can't lace it myself. (Peroo hands note. May reads.) ”

“ H. flings herself down in a chair.)
Mrs. H. (Alone.) For two seasons, at intervals, I formed the infant mind. Heavens, how raw he was in the beginning! And never once throughout his schooling did he disappoint you, dear. Never once, by word or look or sign, did he have the unspeakable audacity to fall in love with you. No, he chose his maiden, then he stopped his confidences, and conducted his own wooing, and in open fight slew his aunt-in-law. But he never, being a wholesome, dear, delightful boy, fell in love with you, Mrs. Hauksbee ”

“ PERSONS CHIEFLY INTERESTED
His Excellency the Viceroy and Governor-General of India. Charles Hilton Hawley (lieutenant at large) . Lieutenant-Colonel J. Scriffshaw (not so much at large) . Major Decker (a persuasive Irishman) . Peroo (an Aryan butler) . Mrs. Hauksbee (a lady with a will of her own) . Mrs. Scriffshaw (a lady who believes she has a will of her own) . May Holt (niece of the above) . Assunta (an Aryan lady's-maid) . Aides-de-Camp, Dancers, Horses, and Devils as Required.
SCENE—The imperial city of Simla, on a pine-clad mountain seven thousand feet above the level of the sea. ”

“ Seeing that he is a man too (half aloud) — and probably with experiences of his own!
May. (Dropping Mrs. H.'s hand.) I don't believe that, and — I won't. He couldn't!
Mrs. H. No, dear. Of course he hasn't had experiences. Why should he? I was only teasing! But when do I pick you up tonight, and how?
May. Aunt's dining out somewhere — with goody-goody people. I dine alone with Uncle John — and he sleeps after dinner. I shall dress then. I simply daren't order my 'rickshaw. The trampling of four coolies in the verandah would wake the dead. I shall have Dandy brought round quietly, and slip away. ”

“ Hawley. (To Mrs. S.) There, there, there! It's nothing to make a fuss about, is it? Come along, Aunt Alice, and I'll tuck you into your 'rickshaw, and you shall go home quite comfy, and the Colonel and I will bring May home later. I go down to my regiment the day after tomorrow, worse luck! So you won't have me long to trouble you. But we quite understand each other, don't we? (Emerges from the darkness, very tenderly escorting the very much shaken Mrs. Scriffshaw.) ”

“ May. (As they race through the shadows neck and neck.) (Small blame to me. I'm riding to my love.) Go along, Dandy Boy! Wasn't that Aunt's 'rickshaw that passed just now? She'll come to the dance and fetch us back.
Scriffshaw. (After the gallop.) Who cares?
SCENE – Main ball-room of the Simla Town-hall; dancing-floor grooved and tongued teak, vaulted roof, and gallery round the walls. Four hundred people dispersed in couples. Banners, bayonet-stars on walls ; red and gold, blue and gold, chocolate, buff, rifle-green, black and other uniforms under glare of a few hundred lamps. ”

“ That, and awfully pretty yellow roses — teeny-weeny ones. And you'll wait for me here, won't you — you Angel! — at half-past nine? (Shortens habit and whirls Mrs. H. down the verandah. Winds up with a kiss.) There! ”

“ S., in tones meant for the benefit of all the chaperons, discourses volubly, with little gasps, of her charitable mission work.)
HIS Excellency. How interesting! Of course, quite natural! What we want most on our dress reform committee is a firm hand and enormous local knowledge. Men are so tactless. You have been too proud, Mrs. Scriffshaw, to offer us your help in that direction. So, you see, I come to ask it as a favour. (Gives Mrs. S. to understand that the Eurasian dress reform committee cannot live another hour without her help and comfort.) ”

“ He's not so bad as that! Prob'bly playin' whist in the kyard-rooms. Will I look for him? (Departs, leaving Mrs. S. purple in the face among the chaperons, and passes Mrs. H. in close conversation with a partner.) ”