“ Lawyer Russell and Recorder Tallmadge subsequently became (and are now) the City Judge and Superintendent of Police of the great commercial metropolis of the Western World, and the one-arm man I recently saw in Broadway, and on the steps of the Tombs, as glossy as ever with sweet oil and broadcloth, and who always reminded me of that class of conspirators under the monster Cataline, whom Cicero describes as past all hope of a restoration to private or public virtue. ”

“ This boy has become a valuable member of society, and entertains multitudes of his species, and excites their mirth and grateful sadness, and arouses their hatred of dishonor and oppression, and is, like every meritorious actor, an honor and a benefactor of his race. ”

“ The Recorder said: “Well, Mr. Russell, please state your case,” and Russell said: “A lad is confined in the Tombs on a charge of stealing clothing. That he is guilty of theft is not yet proved, as he has not had his trial. But his aunt and friends are here in deep affliction, in whose name I most devoutly pray that your honor will release the boy on bail, with a solemn pledge from his aunt and friends that he will immediately be sent to sea.” ”

“ Nothing but a voice from Heaven could have saved the head of Benedict Arnold, if George Washington had got him in his clutches. And shall Russell and Tallmadge and other traitors to justice and the people, be screened from the public execration, because I love the humanity and private succor of their friends and kindred? ”

“ He extenuated my non-response to the pleasing remarks of the distinguished Kentuckian, on the ground of indisposition, and, after happy allusions to the patriotism of Rhode Island, Virginia, and Kentucky, in the darkest period of American history, he rivetted his piercing eyes on the magnificent array of female loveliness, and entranced the sweet angels with language as luxuriant as Antony’s to Cleopatra, in the high antiquity of Roman and Egyptian splendor. ”

“ So fond was Causin of me, that while I was in the Law School at Cambridge, he desired to join me in my class, and room with me, and actually packed his trunks at Washington for his departure to Cambridge, but I advised him to go to the New Haven Law School, as I did not dare have him come to Cambridge while I had the itch, lest he might catch it, through our constant intimacy. I left Andover with one hundred dollars, and was warmly received by Causin on my arrival in Washington. ”

“ I am alarmed, and strive in vain to extricate my shoulders from his giant grasp, when he knocks off my hat, and grabs my hair, and pulls it so hard that I cry murder, and he releases his hand, and kisses me, with both arms around my neck. ”

“ His cheeks were naturally as red as a rose, but my unexpected presence, and request for an introduction to the lawyer’s son, made his face as pale as a ghost’s, and I saw that he had stolen his dinner, which he slowly acknowledged, and admitted that he had dined twice at the Astor without an intention to pay for his dinners, and that he knew no son of a lawyer residing at the Astor House. I violently upbraided him, and told him that he would ultimately become the tenant of a prison, and perhaps die on the scaffold, if he did not check his thievish propensities. ”

“ Let fathers and mothers, and grandfathers and grandmothers assemble at these murderous depots, and saturate the guts of the proprietors with their bloody and scabby milk poison, and then put them in a pillory, and pelt them with rotten eggs, and then tie them to a whipping post, and give them a thousand lashes, with cow tails, until their hacks are raw down to their bone and marrow. ”

“ I asked him if he would like to have me teach him gratuitously, and he said he would—that he was at school in Connecticut before his grandmother died, and was obliged to close his studies in consequence of her death—and that he would have travelled with his aunt, after his grandmother died, if she had not made him promise on her bed of death, that he would never become an actor. I saw genius in the youth, and strongly sympathised with his loneliness and misfortunes, and soon began to teach him during his leisure hours. ”

“ But we are of the opinion that Russell powerfully aided Tallmadge in his election as Recorder, and that there was collusion between them, and that they both knew what a miserable scamp and outcast the straw bail one-arm man was and is to this day. It now devolved on me to send the boy to sea, and the aunt signified her readiness to aid me, and to procure his sea clothes, and the boy was willing to go, and I went on board of several vessels, and at last obtained him a situation as cabin boy, but his health was very delicate, and I feared he would die, and I could not let him go to sea. ”

“ Russell’s office, and cheerfully gave him the thirty dollars, and went to the prison and told the boy what I had done, who was wild with delight. On the following morning, I went early to the Court of Sessions, and a gang of thieves made their appearance, and were huddled like sheep in a corner of the Court Room. I had firmly refused the request of the boy’s aunt to be present, and if I had not, I think she would never have survived the awful scene. ”

“ We will bet heavily, that Tiemann and Cooper know more about the Ward Island purchases than they would like to disclose. We shall see.
We approach our career as a lover in the next chapter of our “Life.” We dread this, as it is nearly the only portion of the past that we review with sadness. But we must commence the painful task in the next number of the Alligator, which will elicit many a tear and smile from the curious children of Adam and Eve, but there will be more tears than smiles from us, as we record, for coming ages, our most extraordinary domestic history. ”

“ I gave my Greek and Latin teachers two dollars an hour, who each taught me two hours a day. I permitted no one to visit me, save my teachers, and my only recreation was a ride, on horseback every day. Large as my bills were, my noble father paid them without a murmur. The only serious mistake I made during my residence at Andover, was a journey to Washington, by invitation of Nathaniel P. Causin, Jr., who, during his visit to Providence, while I was in the Post Office, was introduced to me by Tristam Burges, Jr. ”

“ And, disgusted with myself and lamenting my ingratitude to my father, I proposed to leave Cambridge, and return to Andover, to which, to my surprise, my father readily acceded. I engaged excellent board and parlor, and hired a horse daily for exercise, and employed three private teachers in English, Greek, and Latin, and I studied fifteen hours a day for six months, and acquired a [Pg 11] more critical knowledge of principles than I had obtained in all my life. I gave my English teacher two dollars an hour, who devoted four hours a day in recitation and explanation. ”

“ I proceed not far, when a ball comes whizzing by, which is fired by a sentinel from the window of the Asylum, which increases my speed, and presently down I go all sprawling into a vault, that was partially cleansed that day, or I would have been instantly drowned from a most awful suffocation. ”

“ Gilded metal will soon heal the human palm of all its ills. We have witnessed these milk spasms all our days, and we lived near the Sixteenth street depot, many years ago, and nearly died from the poisonous atmosphere. ”

“ This pacified me, and he went into the Court Room, where I watched his movements as a cat does a rat, and presently he caught the eye of the Judge, and smiles and winks were simultaneously exchanged, and the boy’s trial was postponed, and he was again conducted to his gloomy cell. ”

“ For years on years our most respectable citizens have petitioned the Common Council to destroy these poisonous milk establishments, but their proprietors have always united and bought a majority of the members of the Common Council to refuse their just and humane petitions. ”

“ I have always been fortunate in the half a dozen times I have gambled, and I will try my luck once more, and for the last time,” and I enter the gamester’s hell, and drink some delicious wine, and eat some turkey and pickled oysters, and advance to the gaming table, and in one hour I am penniless. ”

“ For Boys and Girls, and Wives and Husbands, and Venerable Men to read and remember forever! The corrupt antecedents of Judge Russell and Superintendent Tallmadge—Sad revelations—The founders of Straw Bail dissected to their marrow bones, by a man who was in collusion with them in their deeds of public villainy. ”

“ And we believe that Matsell could make Tiemann take his arm and parade in worse localities than the Park, and could make him kiss his big toe, or force him to degrade himself, or distribute his vast patronage as the alien perjurer, and inhuman abjurer of his native land demanded.
[Pg 10]
What induced Frank Leslie to attack the Milkmen? To make money from the sale of his nauseous pictures. And thus benificence flows from mercenary minds. Leslie is a British alien, and cares far less about American cows and milk, and poisoned infants, than the American dollar. ”

“ He was released from his cell, and both Turnkey and Russell warned me to beware of the Judge, and we descended the prison steps, and I shall never forget the shock we received as we were passing through the prison yard, at meeting the Sessions Judge, who had just got information of Russell’s operations, and would doubtless have detained the boy until he got his share of the thirty dollars from Russell. ”

“ This is the only mode, in these degenerate days, of foiling the thievish propensities of the leading traffic rogues of the Republican, American, and Democratic parties. All other means will prove idiotic abortions. ”