Sydney Grundy

“ What chance has intellect with whiskers? I shall have to give the local barber half a sovereign to clip one off by accident. Meanwhile, the first thing I must do, must be to let him know that Ethel’s married. Oh, no, hang it, the first thing he’d do, would be to tell the tale to Miss Carruthers. I must be a bachelor again; there’s no help for it. It’ll at any rate be a relief to the monotony of Dumpington. On even terms I’d fight it out with pleasure, but I’m overweighted. Nature is not fair. She doesn’t divide the whiskers properly. ”

“ EDWIN. No other reason I assure you. Fortunately, Ethel thought she’d occupy the time in making love to [Pg 22] Captain Plunger. I didn’t like her making love to him, and so I thought she mightn’t like my making love to you, and I’m not going to do it any more. I further beg to state that Mrs. Larkspur is not on the look out for a husband, that in my opinion she has not gone off at all, and that I don’t believe she ever angled after anyone.
ETHEL. (running out) You dear old darling, you’re the greatest love that is or ever was or ever will be. I don’t care for anyone but you. ”

“ ETHEL. Well, Edwin dear, you said you could not [Pg 6] stand us being the only people there, so we’ve come down into the public room.
EDWIN. And now we have come, we’re the only people here. I never knew such a disgusting place. Now, if we’d had a little change——
ETHEL. You might have met that odious Miss Carruthers, I suppose you mean—the girl that threw you over.
EDWIN. Miss Carruthers is not odious, my dear, and Miss Carruthers didn’t throw me over. Miss Carruthers was uncommonly fond of me. ”

“ Enter MRS. PLUNGER, R., advancing quickly to him.
MRS. P. Oh, Mr. Larkspur, how d’you do? You can’t think how rejoiced I was to see you at the window just now; Dumpington is so extremely dull without society.
EDWIN. It is indeed. I’m sure I was entranced when I saw you. I was quite longing for a little change.
MRS. P. Have you been here some time?
EDWIN. Ten days—and I have seen about as many people. ”

“ WAITER. Not many people walk, sir—it’s a mile long. Trains start every fifteen minutes.
CAPT. That’s if anybody wants to go?
WAITER. Precisely so, sir; but as no one ever does want, they don’t start at all, sir.
CAPT. What the dickens do the people do then?
WAITER. Well, they’re mostly wheeled about in Bath chairs.
CAPT. Oh, preserve us! Where is Mrs. Plunger?
WAITER. Went out on the balcony as we came in, sir—with a gentleman.
CAPT. A gentleman! Did she seem to know him?
WAITER. Very much, sir.
CAPT. You can go. I’ll join them.
WAITER. Beg your pardon, sir, but I don’t think they want you to. ”

“ EDWIN. I’ve made a horrible mistake. I ought to have pretended that it was put in the papers, every one of them, except the ones that can be got at Dumpington. A pretty mess my candour’s got me into. This is the consequence of telling one’s wife the truth. But who’d [Pg 9] have thought that fellow with the whiskers would turn up? I did think that at last I’d given him the slip. He dogs me everywhere. I never could get half a dozen words with either Ethel or that Miss Carruthers, but he put his whiskers in between us, and it was all up with me. ”

“ Show, the bagpipes, and the barrel-organs With the monkeys, all agoing at once. It makes it very lively, sir.
CAPT. Yes, deadly lively.
WAITER. Dumpington is very musical.
CAPT. Then, Dumpington is very different from its musicians.
WAITER. It’s the children what they play to, sir. We’ve a large family on the ground floor just recovering from the measles, a small family on the floor above as have just had the whooping cough—oh, in the night, sir, they whoops awful—and a middling family in the next room what’s just halfway through the scarlet fever; and a very nice attack they’re having. ”

“ How much will you go away for? What? He says he never goes away for less than half-a-crown.
ETHEL. He doesn’t. The bagpipes never do. They know that they can get the money. Give it him.
CAPT. (aside) I shall be ruined. (throws another coin) There! Be off! (they cease) Now, shall we go?
ETHEL. Would you relieve me of my shawl?
CAPT. Delighted, I am sure. (they move slowly towards the window, R., arm in arm, he bowing down to her, she smiling up at him)
Re-enter EDWIN through L. window.
EDWIN. I’m getting on tremendously with Miss Carruthers. This is great fun; I do like a little change. ”

“ The “Dumpington Gazette.” It’s not in that. (sits down and reads) “Salubrity of Dumpington. The slanderous assertion that this fashionable watering place, the annual rendezvous of such a galaxy of rank and beauty, is infected with an epidemic, is the baseless calumny of venomous malignity. The only fifteen cases in the neighbourhood are yielding rapidly to the invigorating influence of our sea air, and the unflagging energy and skill of Dr. Mumps, the able and experienced practitioner, who advertises weekly in the ‘Dumpington Gazette.’”
Meanwhile ETHEL has re-entered, R., and sat beside him. ”

“ Oh dear, I quite forgot—occasionally you can see the sea.
MRS. P. The sea!
EDWIN. Sometimes—through a strong telescope.
MRS. P. You goose, it’s there.
EDWIN. Why so it is, the tide has actually arrived. For the first time in the ten days that I have been at Dumpington the tide is coming in. It’s always been going out before. Hush! Hark!
MRS. P. What to?
EDWIN. The music of the spheres. (a German band strikes up outside)
BOTH. Oh law!
Exeunt arm-in-arm through window, to stop band.
Enter CAPTAIN PLUNGER, led by WAITER, L.
WAITER. This is the public room, sir. ”