T. Smollett

“ In vain did I fly for refuge to the amusements of the place, and engage in the parties of Jackson at cards, billiards, nine-pins, and fives; a train of melancholy thoughts took possession of my soul, which even the conversation of Melopoyn could not divert. I ordered Strap to inquire every day at Banter’s lodgings, in expectation of hearing again from my charmer; and my disappointment considerably, augmented my chagrin. My affectionate valet was infected with my sorrow, and often sat with me whole hours without speaking, uttering sigh for sigh, and shedding tear for tear. ”

“ Strap jumped out of the waggon, and hid himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a rustling among the straw, which made us conjecture he had hid something under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands uttered lamentable cries: and the captain, to our great amazement, began to snore; but this artifice did not succeed; for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the shoulder, bawled out, “Sdeath! captain, is this a time to snore, when we are going to be robbed? Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and man of honour!” ”

“ This was like a clap of thunder to the poor apothecary, who starting back, cried, “Mort de ma vie! vat you tell a me? My vife not at home!” At that instant a patient’s servant arrived with a prescription for a draught, which my master taking, went into the shop to make it up with his own hand. While he rubbed the ingredients in a glass mortar, he inquired of me, whether or no his wife went out alone; and no sooner heard that she was in company with the captain, than with one blow he split the mortar into a thousand pieces, and grinning like the head of a bass viol, exclaimed, “Ah, traitresse!” ”

“ I have made many a good meal upon a monster; a rape has often afforded me great satisfaction; but a murder, well timed, was my never-failing resource. What then? I was almost a slave to my employers, who expected to be furnished at a minute’s warning with prose and verse, just as they thought the circumstances of the times required, whether the inclination was absent or present. Upon my sincerity, Mr. Random, I have been so much pestered and besieged by those children of clamour, that life became a burden to me. ”

“ Exasperated at this proposal, I unsheathed my sword, saying, “Heavens! what title have you, or any man on earth, to impose such terms on me?” He did the same, and making towards me with a contracted brow, said I was a villain, and had dishonoured Narcissa. “He’s a villain,” I replied, in a transport of fury, “who brands me with that imputation! She is a thousand times more chaste than the mother that bore you; and I will assert her honour with my heart’s blood!” ”

“ The precise lady, having recruited her spirits by the help of some strong waters, began a soliloquy, in which she wondered that any man, who pretended to maintain the character of a gentleman, could, for the sake of a little paltry coin, throw persons of honour into such quandaries as might endanger their lives; and professed her surprise that women were not ashamed to commend such brutality. At the same time vowing that for the future she would never set foot in a stage coach, if a private convenience could be had for love or money. ”

“ I attributed a good deal of this intelligence to the satirical turn of my friend, or resentment for having himself suffered a rebuff from the lady in question, and, at any rate, trusted so much to my own accomplishments as to believe no woman could resist the ardour of my addresses.
Full of this confidence I repaired to Hampstead in company with Billy Chatter, my Lord Hobble, and Doctor Wagtail. There I saw a very brilliant assembly, before whom I had the honour to walk a minuet with Melinda, who charmed me with her frank manner and easiness of behaviour. ”

“ When I reflected on what had happened, and especially on the unreserved protestations of Narcissa’s love, I could not help being amazed at her omitting to inquire into the particular circumstances of life and fortune of one whom she had favoured with her affection, and I began to be a little anxious about the situation of her finances; well knowing that I should do an irreparable injury to the person my soul held most dear, if I should espouse her without being able to support her in the rank which was certainly her due. ”

“ I am betrayed! I am sacrificed! Will you not carry that monster away? or must I be stifled with the stench of him? oh, oh!” With these interjections he sank down upon his settee in a fit: his valet-de-chambre plied him with a smelling-bottle, one footman chafed his temples with Hungary water, another sprinkled the floor with spirits of lavender, a third pushed Morgan out of the cabin; who coming to the place where I was, sat down with a demure countenance and, according to his custom, when he received any indignity which he durst not revenge, began to sing a Welsh ditty. ”

“ Weazel pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed, and swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England surrounded him. “D—n my blood! what are you afraid of?” continued he; at the same time trembling with such agitation that the whole carriage shook. This singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss Ramper so much that she cried, “D—n your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon, as ever was drummed out of a regiment. Stop the waggon, Joey—let me out, and by G—d, if I have rhetoric enough, the thief shall not only take your purse, but your skin also.” ”

“ Beauty! which, whether sleeping or awake, shot forth peculiar graces! The light darting upon my Narcissa’s eyes, she awoke also, and recollecting her situation, hid her blushes in my bosom. I was distracted with joy! I could not believe the evidence of my senses, and looked upon all that had happened as the fictions of a dream! In the meantime my uncle knocked at the door, and bade me turn out, for I had had a long spell. I rose accordingly, and sent Miss Williams to her mistress, myself receiving the congratulation of Captain Bowling, who rallied me in his sea phrase with great success. ”

“ During this interval, in which my soul was wound up to the last stretch of rapturous expectation, Narcissa endeavoured to reconcile some of her relations in town to her marriage with me; but, finding them all deaf to her remonstrances, either out of envy or prejudice, she told me with the most enchanting sweetness, while the tears bedewed her lovely cheeks, “Sure the world will no longer question your generosity when you take a poor forlorn beggar to your arms?” ”

“ I was wonderfully affected with this pathetic complaint, which seemed so well calculated for my own disappointment in love, that I could not help attaching the idea of Narcissa to the name of Monimia, and of forming such melancholy presages of my passion, that I could not recover my tranquillity: and was fain to have recourse to the bottle, which prepared me for a profound sleep that I could not otherwise have enjoyed. ”

“ Heaven keep cold lead out of my carcase, and let me die in a bed like a Christian, as all my forefathers have done. What signifies all earthly riches and honour, if one enjoys not content? and, hereafter, there is no respect of persons. Better be a poor honest barber with a good conscience, and time to repent of my sins upon my death-bed, than be cut off (God bless us!) by a musket-shot, as it were in the very flower of one’s age, in the pursuit of riches and fame. What signify riches, my dear friend? do they not make unto themselves wings and fly away? as the wise man saith. ”

“ When we came into the judge’s presence my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself in this manner; “Your servant, your servant. What cheer, father? what cheer? I suppose you don’t know me—mayhap you don’t. My name is Tom Bowling, and this here boy, you look as if you did not know him neither; ’tis like you mayn’t. He’s new rigged, i’faith; his cloth don’t shake in the wind so much as it wont to do. ’Tis my nephew, d’y see, Roderick Random—your own flesh and blood, old gentleman. Don’t lay a-stern, you dog,” pulling me forward. ”

“ Is not a journeyman barber as good as a journeyman baker? The only difference is, the baker uses flour for the belly, and the barber rises it for the head: and as the head is a more noble member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a baker—for what’s the belly without the head? Besides, I am told, he could neither read nor write; now you know I can do both, and moreover, speak Latin—but I will say no more, for I despise vanity—nothing is more vain than vanity. ”

“ Random, that I should credit assertions that degrade the dignity of our superiors so much, and represent the poor man as the most abject of all beings! No, I looked upon them as the hyperboles of passion; and though that comedy of which he spoke did actually appear, I dare not doubt the innocence of Mr. Marmozet, who, I am told, is as much as ever in favour with the earl; a circumstance that, surely, could not be, unless he had vindicated his character to the satisfaction of his lordship. ”

“ When they had whispered together some time, the capuchin came to me, and asked if I was insensible to love, and so hard-hearted as to refuse a share of my bed to a pretty maid who had a tendre for me? I must own to my shame, that I suffered myself to be overcome by my passion, and with great eagerness seized the occasion, when I understood that the amiable Nanette was to be my bedfellow. In vain did my reason suggest the respect that I owed to my dear mistress Narcissa; the idea of that lovely charmer rather increased than allayed the ferment of my spirits ”

“ Banter in a whisper, gave me to understand that she was an incorrigible coquette, who would grant the same favour to any young fellow in England of a tolerable appearance, merely to engage him among the herd of her admirers, that she might have the pleasure of seeing them daily increase; that she was of a cold insensible disposition, dead to every passion but vanity, and so blind to merit, that he would lay any wager the wealthiest fool would carry her at last. ”

“ The mistress of my soul having retired with her brother, I discovered so much uneasiness at my situation, that Miss Snapper proposed to go home; and, while I conducted her to a chair, told me she had too great a regard for me to keep me any longer in torment. I feigned ignorance of her meaning, and having seen her safely at her lodgings, took my leave, and went home in an ecstasy, where I disclosed everything that had happened to my confidant and humble servant, Strap, who did not relish the accident so well as I expected; and observed, that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. ”

“ Who would have thought that so much devilish malice and Billingsgate could lurk under so much sweetness of countenance and modesty of behaviour? Ah! God help us! Fronti nulla fides—nimium ne crede colori—but we ought to down on our knees, and bless God for delivering us from the jaws of that painted sepulchre!” I was pretty much of Strap’s opinion, and, though I did not believe myself in any danger from the allurements of that sisterhood, I determined to act with great circumspection for the future, and shun all commerce of that kind, as equally prejudicial to my purse and constitution. ”

“ My duty being altogether detached from the squire and his family, I led a pretty easy and comfortable life, drinking daily intoxicating draughts of love from the charms of Narcissa, which brightened on my contemplation every day more and more. Inglorious as my station was, I became blind to my own unworthiness, and even conceived hopes of one day enjoying this amiable creature, whose, affability greatly encouraged these presumptuous thoughts. ”

“ Sagely’s directions, went to my charmer’s lodgings, and inquired for Miss Williams. I had not waited in the parlour longer than a minute, when this young woman entered, and no sooner perceived me, than she shrieked and ran backward: but I got between her and the door, and clasping her in my arms, brought her to herself with an embrace. “Good heaven,” cried she, “Mr. Random, is it you indeed? My mistress will run distracted with joy.” ”

“ Random, I do not deserve this concern at your hands: I am a vile creature, who had a base design upon your person—suffer me, to expiate that, and all my other crimes, by a miserable death, which will not fail to overtake me in a few hours.” I encouraged her as much as I could, told her I forgave all her intentions with regard to me; and that, although my circumstances were extremely low, I would share my last farthing with her. ”

“ But she checked my boldness with a severity of countenance, and desired I would not so far forget myself to her, as to endanger the esteem she had for me; she reminded me of our being almost strangers to each other, and of the necessity there was for her knowing me better, before she could take any resolution in my favour; and, in short, mingled so much good sense and complacency in her reproof, that I became as much enamoured of her understanding as I had been before of her beauty, and asked pardon for my presumption with the utmost reverence of conviction. ”

“ Accordingly, I was almost every night engaged with company, among whom I was exposed to every mortification, danger, and abuse, that flow from drunkenness and brutality. As my spirit was not sufficiently humbled to the will, nor my temper calculated for the conversation of my gallants, it was impossible for me to overcome an aversion I felt for my profession, which manifested itself in a settled gloom on my countenance, and disgusted those sons of mirth and riot so much, that I was frequently used in a shocking manner, and kicked down stairs with disgrace. ”

“ This good old gentlewoman, to give me a convincing proof of my dear Narcissa’s unalterable love, gratified me with a sight of the last letter she had favoured her with, in which I was mentioned with so much honour, tenderness, and concern, that my soul was fired with impatience, and I determined to ride all night, that I might have it the sooner in my power to make her happy. ”

“ Transported with this piece of intelligence, I flattered myself with the hopes of his interesting himself in its favour, but, hearing no more of this matter in three whole months, I began (God forgive me!) to suspect the veracity of the person who brought me the good tidings; for I thought it impossible that a man of his rank and character, who knew the difficulty of writing a good tragedy, and understood the dignity of the work, should read and applaud an essay of this kind, without feeling an inclination to befriend the author, whom his countenance alone could raise above dependence. ”