Thomas Dekker and Thomas Middleton

“ CASTRUCCIO: Signor Pioratto, Signor Fluello, shall’s be merry? Shall’s play the wagsnow?
FLUELLO: Ay, anything that may beget the child of laughter.
CASTRUCCIO: Truth, I have a pretty sportive conceit new crept into my brain will moveexcellent mirth.
PIORATTO: Let’s ha’t, let’s ha’t; and where shall the scene of mirth lie?
CASTRUCCIO: At Signor Candido’s house, the patient man – nay, the monstrous patient man. They say his blood is immovable, that he has taken all patience from a man, and all constancy from a woman.
FLUELLO: That makes so many whores nowadays. ”

“ PIORATTO: [Aside to Castruccio.] Hark in thine ear: th’ast lost a hundred ducats.
CASTRUCCIO: [Aside in reply] Well, well, I know’t. Is’t possible that homo
Should be nor man nor woman? Not once moved,
No, not at such an injury, not at all!
Sure he’s a pigeon, for he has no gall.
FLUELLO: [To Candido.] Come, come, you’re angry, though you smother it;
You’re vexed, i’faith – confess.
CANDIDO: Why, gentlemen,
Should you conceit me to be vexed or moved? ”

“ DOCTOR BENEDICT: It may, my lord.
DUKE: May? How? I wish his death.
DOCTOR BENEDICT: And you may have your wish. Say but the word,
And ’tis a strong spell to rip up his grave.
I have good knowledge with Hippolito;
He calls me friend. I’ll creep into his bosom,
And sting him there to death. Poison can do’t.
DUKE: Perform it; I’ll create thee half mine heir.
DOCTOR BENEDICT: It shall be done, although the fact be foul.
DUKE: Greatness hides sin. The guilt upon my soul!
[Exeunt the Duke and the Doctor Benedict.]
Scene Four:
[Enter Castruccio, Pioratto, and Fluello.] ”

“ I am the more sorry, for I must employ a true swaggerer.
FUSTIGO: Nay, by this iron [Indicating his sword.] , sister, they shall find I am powder and touch-box, if they put fire once into me.
VIOLA: Then lend me your ears.
FUSTIGO: Mine ears are yours, dear sister.
VIOLA: I am married to a man that has wealth enough, and wit enough.
FUSTIGO: A linen-draper, I was told, Sister.
VIOLA: Very true, a grave citizen. I want nothing that a wife can wish from a husband. But here’s the spite: he has not all things belonging to a man. ”

“ MATTHEO: Yea, marry, this is an easy question. Why, today is – let me see – Thursday.
HIPPOLITO: O, Thursday.
MATTHEO: Here’s a coil for a dead commodity! ’Sfoot, women when they are alive are but dead commodities, for you shall have one woman lie upon many men’s hands.
HIPPOLITO: She died on Monday, then.
MATTHEO: And that’s the most villainous day of all the week to die in; and she was well, and ate a mess of water-gruel on Monday morning.
HIPPOLITO: Ay, it cannot be
Such a bright taper should burn out so soon.
MATTHEO: O yes, my lord, so soon. ”

“ GEORGE: [Aside.] Ay, I’ll be sworn, for we have a curst mistress.
VIOLA: You mumble? Do you mumble? I would your master or I could be a notemore angry, for two patient folks in a house spoil all the servants that ever shall come under them.
FIRST PRENTICE: [Aside.] You patient! Ay, so is the devil when he is horn-mad.
[Enter Castruccio, Fluello, and Pioratto.]
GEORGE AND THE TWO PRENTICES: Gentlemen, what do you lack? What is’t you buy? See, fine hollands, fine cambrics, and fine lawns.
GEORGE: What is’t you lack?
SECOND PRENTICE: What is’t you buy? ”

“ CASTRUCCIO: [Aside to his companions.] O, here he comes. Let’s make as though we pass.
[Aloud.] Come, come, we’ll try in some other shop.
[The Gentlemen start to leave.]
CANDIDO: How now? What’s the matter?
GEORGE: The gentlemen find fault with this lawn, fall out with it, and without a cause too.
CANDIDO: Without a cause?
And that makes you to let ’em pass away? –
Ah, may I crave a word with you gentlemen?
FLUELLO: [Aside to his companions.] He calls us.
CASTRUCCIO: [Aside to Fluello.] Makes the better for the jest.
CANDIDO: I pray come near. You’re very welcome, gallants. ”

“ VIOLA: What, will he spoil the lawn now?
CANDIDO: Patience, good wife.
VIOLA: Ay, that patience makes a fool of you. – Gentlemen, you might ha’ found some other citizen to have made a kind gull on besides my husband.
CANDIDO: [As he proceeds to cut the cloth.] Pray, gentlemen, take her to be a woman;
Do not regard her language. [To Viola.] O kind soul,
Such words will drive away my customers.
VIOLA: ‘Customers’ with a murrain! Call you these customers?
CANDIDO: Patience, good wife.
VIOLA: Pax o’your patience!
GEORGE: ’Sfoot, mistress, I warrant these are some cheating companions. ”

“ Never saw her before, my lord?
hippolito
Never, trust me. A goodly creature.
fluello
By gad, when you know her as we do, youʼll swear she is the prettiest, kindest, sweetest, most bewitching honest ape under the pole. A skin – your satin is not more soft, nor lawn whiter.
hippolito
Belike, then, sheʼs some sale courtesan.
fluello
Troth, as all your best faces are; a good wench.
hippolito
Great pity that sheʼs a good wench. [They whisper.]
mattheo
[Aloud to Bellafront] Thou shalt have it iʼfaith, mistress. – How now, signors? What? Whispering? ”

“ FLUELLO: [To Pioratto.] Come, play’t off – to me; I am your last man.
[Pioratto empties out the beaker, as urged by Fluello, who is to drink next.]
CANDIDO: George, supply the cup. [George fills the beaker and passes it to Fluello.]
FLUELLO: So, so, good honest George. Here, Signor Candido; [He drinks a little to Candido.] All this to you. [He passes the beaker to him.]
CANDIDO: O, you must pardon me. I use it not.
FLUELLO: Will you not pledge me, then?
CANDIDO: Yes, but not that; Great love is shown in little.
FLUELLO: Blurt on your sentences! ’Sfoot, you shall pledge me all. ”

“ CASTRUCCIO: ’Sblood, Signor Pioratto, you that disparage my conceit, I’ll wage a hundred ducats upon the head on’t that it moves him, frets him, and galls him.
PIORATTO: Done, ’tis a lay. Join golls on’t. – Witness, Signor Fluello.
CASTRUCCIO: Witness; ’tis done. [They shake their hands on it.]
Come, follow me. The house is not far off.
I’ll thrust him from his humour, vex his breast,
And win a hundred ducats by one jest.
[Exeunt Castruccio, Pioratto, and Fluello.]
Scene Five:
[Enter Viola, Candido’s First Wife, George, and the two Prentices, in the Linen shop.] ”

“ FUSTIGO: ’Sfoot, half a quarter of an hour does that: make him a cuckold.
VIOLA: Pooh! He would count such a cut no unkindness.
FUSTIGO: The honester citizen he. Then make him drunk, and cut off his beard.
VIOLA: Fie, fie, idle, idle! He’s no Frenchman, to fret at the loss of a little scald hair. No, brother, thus it shall be – you must be secret.
FUSTIGO: As your midwife, I protest, sister, or a barber-surgeon.
VIOLA: Repair to the Tortoise here in Saint Christopher’s Street. I will send you money; turn yourself into a brave man. ”

“ Come, Iʼll bestow the supper to have him but laugh.
castruccio
He betrays his youth too grossly to that tyrant, melancholy.
mattheo
All this is for a woman.
bellafront
A woman? Some whore! What sweet jewel isʼt?
pioratto
Would she heard you.
fluello
Troth, so would I.
castruccio
And I, by heaven.
bellafront
Nay, good servant, what woman?
mattheo
Pah!
bellafront
Prithee, tell me; a buss, and tell me! I warrant heʼs an honest fellow, if he take on thus for a wench. Good rogue, who?
mattheo
By thʼLord, I will not, must not, faith, mistress. – Isʼt a match, sirs? ”

“ No loss of goods can increase him a wrinkle, no crabbed language make his countenance sour, the stubbornness of no servant shake him. He has no more gall in him than a dove, no more sting than an ant. ”

“ Thine own fair hand shall strike. – Sirs, you shall teach her
To stand, and how to shoot; ay, she shall hunt. –
Cast off this sorrow. In, girl, and prepare
This night to ride away to Bergamo.
INFELICE: O most unhappy maid!
Exit Infelice.
DUKE: [To the Servants.] Follow her close.
No words that she was buried, on your lives,
Or that her ghost walks now after she’s dead;
I’ll hang you if you name a funeral.
FIRST SERVANT: I’ll speak Greek, my lord, ere I speak that deadly word. ”

“ Acquaintance, where supped you last night?
castruccio
At a place, sweet acquaintance, where your health danced the canaries, iʼfaith; you should haʼ been there.
bellafront
I there, among your punks? Marry faugh, hang ʼem! Scornʼt. Will you never leave sucking of eggs in other folksʼ hensʼ nests?
castruccio
Why, in good troth, if youʼll trust me, acquaintance, there was not one hen at the board. Ask Fluello. ”

“ Exeunt Castruccio, Pioratto, and Fluello with the beaker.
GEORGE: I told you before, mistress, they were all cheaters.
VIOLA: Why, fool; why, husband; why, madman! I hope you will not let ’em sneak away so, with a silver-and-gilt beaker, the best in the house, too. – Go, fellows, make hue and cry after them.
CANDIDO: Pray let your tongue lie still; all will be well. – Come hither, George. Hie to the constable, and in calm order wish him to attach them. Make no great stir, because they’re gentlemen ”

“ There’s for thy pains. God-a-mercy, if I ever stand in need of a wench that will come with a wet finger, thou shalt earn my money before any clarissimo in Milan. Yet, so God sa’ me, she’s mine own sister, body and soul, as I am a Christian gentleman. Farewell. I’ll ponder till she come. Thou hast been no bawd in fetching this woman, I assure thee.
PORTER: No matter if I had, sir; better men than porters are bawds. ”

“ FLUELLO: Thou art a blest man, and with peace dost deal;
Such a meek spirit can bless a commonweal.
CANDIDO: Gentlemen, now ’tis upon eating-time,
Pray part not hence, but dine with me today.
CASTRUCCIO: I never heard a courtier yet say nay
To such a motion. I’ll not be the first.
PIORATTO: Nor I.
FLUELLO: Nor I.
CANDIDO: The constable shall bear you company.
George, call him in. Let the world say what it can,
Nothing can drive me from a patient man.
Exeunt all.
ACT TWO
Scene Two:
Enter ROGER with a stool, cushion, looking-glass, and chafing-dish. ”

“ This sweet Oliver will eat mutton till he be ready to burst, but the lean-jawed slave will not pay for the scraping of his trencher.
pioratto
Plague him; set him beneath the salt, and let him not touch a bit till everyone has had his full cut.
fluello
Sordello, the gentleman-usher, came in to us too. Marry, ʼtwas in our cheese, for he had been to borrow money for his lord, of a citizen.
castruccio
What an ass is that lord, to borrow money of a citizen!
bellafront
Nay, Godʼs my pity, what an ass is that citizen to lend money to a lord! ”

“ Musician will he never be, yet I find much music in him; but he loves no frets, and is so free from anger that many times I am ready to bite off my tongue, because it wants that virtue which all women’s tongues have, to anger their husbands. ”

“ O, you run over me too fast, brother! I have heard it often said that he who cannot be angry is no man. I am sure my husband is a man in print for all things else save only in this: no tempest can move him. ”

“ You shall send both, if you please, signors. [Castruccio gives him money.]
pioratto
Stay, whatʼs best to drink a-mornings?
roger
Hippocras, sir, for my mistress, if I fetch it, is most dear to her.
fluello
Hippocras? [Giving Roger more money] There, then; hereʼs a teston for you, you snake.
roger
Right, sir; hereʼs three shillings sixpence for a pottle and a manchet.
Exit.
castruccio
[Smoking] Hereʼs most Herculean tobacco. [Offering the pipe to Bellafront] Haʼ some, acquaintance?
bellafront
Faugh, not I – makes your breath stink like the piss of a fox. ”

“ Whereʼs my fall, Roger?
roger
Your fall, forsooth, is behind.
One knocks.
bellafront
Godʼs my pitikins! Some fool or other knocks.
roger
Shall I open to the fool, mistress?
bellafront
And all these baubles lying thus? Away with it quickly!
[They tidy up. More knocking.]
– Ay, ay, knock and be damned, whosoever you be. – So. Give the fresh salmon line now; let him come ashore. He shall serve for my breakfast, though he go against my stomach.
Roger fetches in Fluello, Castruccio, and Pioratto. ”

“ Methinks a toad is happier than a whore:
That with one poison swells, with thousands more
The other stocks her veins. Harlot? Fie, fie!
You are the miserablest creatures breathing.
The very slaves of nature. Mark me else:
You put on rich attires, othersʼ eyes wear them ”

“ Enter Roger.
mattheo
Youʼre the waspishest ape. – Roger, put your mistress in mind, your scurvy mistress here, to sup with us on Friday next. [To her] Youʼre best come like a madwoman, without a band, in your waistcoat, and the linings of your kirtle outward, like every common hackney that steals out at the back gate of her sweet knightʼs lodging.
bellafront
Go, go, hang yourself!
castruccio
Itʼs dinner-time, Mattheo; shallʼs hence?
all gentlemen
Yes, yes. – Farewell, wench.
bellafront
Farewell, boys.
Exeunt [Fluello, Castruccio, Pioratto, and Mattheo] . ”

“ Why dost not fill out their wine?
roger
Forsooth, ʼtis filled out already: all the wine that the signors has bestowed upon you is cast away. A porter ran a tilt at me, and so faced me down that I had not a drop.
bellafront
Iʼm accurst to let such a withered artichoke-faced rascal grow under my nose! Now you look like an old he-cat, going to the gallows. Iʼll be hanged if he haʼ not put up the money to cony-catch us all.
roger
No, truly, forsooth, ʼtis not put up [Aside to her] yet. ”

“ Itʼs Count Hippolito, the brave count.
pioratto
As gallant a spirit as any in Milan, you sweet Jew.
fluello
O, heʼs a most essential gentleman, coz.
castruccio
Did you never hear of Count Hippolito, acquaintance?
bellafront
Marry-muff oʼyour counts, an be no more life in ʼem.
mattheo
Heʼs so malcontent! Sirrah Bellafront – [To the others] An you be honest gallants, letʼs sup together, and have the count dine with us. [To her] Thou shalt sit at the upper end, punk. ”