Various

“ In patriotic art we have the spirit of ’76. Germany has used the drum as a favorite means to raise recruits—we have done it against her, and by God’s grace will give her a drum-head court martial before long, though the world is waiting for the time Tennyson speaks of, “When the war-drum throbs no longer.”
The drum is the heart-beat of a liberty-loving humanity. The Fourth of July drum recalls the spirit of 1917, when Uncle Sam started to make the world habitable and we prayed that the American eagle might beat out the brains of Germany’s two-headed vulture ”

“ We’ve hardly been here a week when into our wild and wooded midst enters, like an angel from Heaven, a pretty young miss, a graduate of Minneapolis aristocracy and unlearned in the ways of we simple country folk. She had never seen a real pumpkin sprout in the garden of nature and her knowledge of the products of the soil was confined to what she had read in some seminary institution.
The first evening, Gus, our hired man, picked some of Brother La Page’s wild asparagus. ”

“ When he comes into the world, they all want to kiss him; before he leaves it, they all want to kick him.
If he dies young, there was a great future before him. If he lives to a ripe, old age, he is only in the way, just living to save funeral expenses. So Life is just one damn thing after another. ”

“ La Guayra señoritas, like the scenery, are wild, beautiful and romantic, though there are many wizened witches, rheumatic, mustachioed and flea-bitten, who make one sea-sick on land. The local enchantresses give the stranger a good (bad) time—as well as a choice assortment of undesirable souvenirs. It is a pestiferous port where the laudable profession of prostitution is much practised. These moral lepers are much more dangerous than the physical ones in the big asylum in the outskirts. Gay girls throw kisses to the tenderfoot as he walks the streets—a most sanitary and microbeless pastime. ”

“ He has panderers who scour the country to procure beautiful women for him. His personal and public character is so putrid, that many of the inhabitants would like to elect him president of a Guano island, with a salary in Guano. In the land of Bolivar, the Liberator, Gomez muzzles the press, suppresses free speech, maintains an army of spies, and has imprisoned some of the best and brainiest men of Venezuela in horrible dungeons for the crime of loving liberty. ”

“ As we remember the arguments of the prohibitionists a dry country would be nothing short of Utopia. There wasn’t going to be any crime nor any marital difficulties nor were any young girls going to go wrong. It is a merry world, my masters.
It costs so much nowadays to get a house to live in and enough booze for the house warming that there isn’t anything left for furniture. ”

“ This bit of filosophy is as old as the hills, but like good liquor and fruits of human thought, it grows more rich and mellow with age. Its quaintness is its virtue, and so here it is again.
Man comes into this world without his consent, and leaves it against his will. During his stay on earth his time is spent in one continual round of contraries and misunderstandings. ”

“ In the game the fiercest fight is always to come. Wait until the “infantry” arrives. Instead of “shouldering arms,” you shoulder the baby. On the battlefields, shells may screech and scream, but they have nothing on the kid. You get your “walking papers” every night. This is the only “hike” you take.
[37]
In war, you sign up for four years. There is no such clause as that in your wedding certificate. You can get exemption from war on account of marriage, but you can’t get exempt from marriage on account of war. ”

“ I crave Mother Nature in all its ruggedness.
Hence I have fared to my log cabin settlement on the shores of Big Pelican lake in northern Minnesota, accompanied by Mrs. Bill, the five kids, my dog Shep, our new perfumed Persian pussy and, last but not least, the good, old pedigreed bull, Pedro. Fred La Page, my French-Canadian friend and the lord and master of the Pequot settlement, threw in a couple of cows in the deal wherein I acquired title to the cabins and the shore property and advised me to bring the pedigreed bull along to keep the cowlets company. ”

“ A young woman tries to please man. When she gets old she tries to please God.
It’s a long way from Los Angeles to Palm Beach but the styles in bathing suits of the Mack Sennett queens and the dames of high society seem about the same.
Electric lights were never made for courting. In the days of the gas jet a fellow could turn down the light a little at a time. Now he has to snap off the electricity all at once and take a chance.
There may be a good many arguments against the restoration of the good old four per cent beer, but right now we can’t think of a single one. ”

“ Pastor People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn.
“Easy is the descent to hell”—except by way of Venezuela, at whose ports of entry one suffers so many inconveniences in the form of passport visés, custom fees, red-tape, delay and insolence, that if the Devil wishes to sustain his reputation of a conductor of luxurious pleasure-tours to the infernal regions, he should immediately get rid of his disagreeable officials there. At La Guayra, custom authorities rob the traveler of time, money and patience. ”

“ We will stand firmly opposed to any invasion of our inherent rights to the pursuit of happiness, health and prosperity.
* * * The rôle of the drum is anything but hum-drum. The ear-drum recognizes the sound of a drum whether the instrument is side, snare, brass or kettle. In travel I have seen and heard drums big and little, round, cylindrical, high and low, loud and soft, wild and weird; played by head, hand and foot—played fast and slow in life and death, peace and war—played by savage and by civilized man in the desert or orchestra hall. ”

“ Dear Captain Billy—What is a husband?—Will B. Schmellie.
Husbands are very useful things to have about the house. Caught young they make useful pets and can be taught to do a number of tricks. Some husbands are domesticated and stay at home in the evenings. I knew one who used to spend every evening at home. He suffered with gout. Others stay out late and then, having good friends, they get carried straight in. The duty of a husband is to touch the cash register and look pleasant, and so he spent his time trying to live round a seven by six family on a two by three salary. ”

“ Whiz Bang Editorials “The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet”
Less than two short years ago the Whiz Bang was founded, upon my return from the army, on the Whiz Bang Farm, hoping in so doing that the veterans and their friends of Robbinsdale and vicinity would be supplied with samples of the pep and ginger we had in the army and navy and marine corps. In our opening number, we expressed a faint hope for “big time” sometime, and that we could follow in the footsteps of the Cherry Sisters of vaudeville.
Our hopes and aspirations have been more than fulfilled. ”

“ We’ve received several complaints from love-lorn swains requesting that we ask the Texas girls to protect their tresses from the sticky lollypops.
* * * So many Whiz Bang readers have requested that we send them the automobile seat left on our farm by a daring couple while they hiked to Robbinsdale, to report the theft of their motor car, that we have decided to retain it. An auto seat, you know, is valueless without the car.
* * * Gus is a progressive hired man. He progresses from penny ante to nickel heart games to two-bit moonshine. It’s a good thing he’s not very strong for the ladies. ”

“ Caracas, the capital of Venezuela, lies at a 3,000-foot “hell”evation above the sea. It is the “Paris of South America” with its churches, parks, public buildings, Pantheon, palace and promenades. The nerve-center of the city is Plaza Bolivar, with an equestrian statue of the hero who stood for liberty, and around which congregate people who stand for everything. Certain “Carac”teristics make this a viva “city” and lubri “city.” The climate is cool, but tempered by the [22] “melting” glance of the bonita muchachas, whose smiles would ripen peaches on a wall. ”

“ Paul scored the Romans for this sin—what an epistle could he indite against the Caracas “maricos” who amuse, instead of disgust, the Caraquenians, who seem to believe with Baudelaire that “La Débauche et la Mort sont deux amiables filles” (Debauch and Death are two amiable girls) .
The worst spot in Venezuela is the despot dictator, President Gomez. His authority is absolute, with the accent on the “loot.” He takes what he wants; a man’s personal property, wife or daughter. Dark stories make him a modern Bluebeard. He is a moral and physical leper. ”

“ Whenever he wants to chop wood around the smokehouse, he goes to the farm house, opens the back door and rings the dinner bell. All the flies swarm inside and take their places in the dining room. Then Gus closes the doors behind the flies and goes to the wood-pile to work undisturbed. You have to hand it to Gus for originality. ”

“ Rumor hath it that Lucille and Larry waged a young war about something, as children will. But the soaring young funny man of filmdom and his fair partner were turtle doves who found no one to dance with but themselves.
A false report went out that Bull Montana attended the ball costumed like an ape. This is untrue, for two reasons. One is that Bull wasn’t present, and the other that he needs no costume when imitations of a gorilla are in order. Bull’s face has become his fortune and he is proud of it.
* * *
A girl may not let you kiss her, but the chances are she appreciates your wanting to. ”

“ I believe in the drum. Can you beat it? Hurrah for Uncle Sam, the drum-major of the world in the march for freedom of body, mind and soul, always and everywhere!
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* * * Several persons of our acquaintance have asked why we refer to marriage in the same sentence with war. There is no difference.
A fellow meets a girl and decides that she is the woman he wants to “battle” through life with. ”

“ Here I entered a girls’ school where the young misses were learning much and not missing anything, for as a practical object-lesson in physiology a naked little boy had strolled in from the street and was roaming about the room. Some of the citizens are quite devout and show their gratitude to God for his numerous blessings. ”

“ Girls with highly polished finger nails are generally the ones with runs in silk hosiery.
When women get their heads together and whisper, they’re talking about some other woman; when men do the same they’re discussing the latest recipe for home-made hootch. ”

“ Incidentally, Reverend Morrill’s home in Minneapolis is broken into by burglars nearly every time he goes away on a Whiz Bang jaunt, and last fall he lost $3,000 worth of choice red-eye. This last trip he left a note: “Dear Boys: You won’t find any booze or Liberty Bonds, but some good books, especially this Bible, which says, ‘Thou shalt not steal.’ God forgive you—I do. ”

“ If he raises a family, he’s a chump. If he raises a check, he’s a crook. If he is a poor man, he is a poor manager and has no sense. If he is rich, he is dishonest but considered smart. If he is in politics he is a grafter and a thief. ”

“ But a different man was he and they hardly knew the guy;
He no longer wore the glad rags he had worn in days gone by.
He took a look around him as he crept into the place.
And we saw a look of hunger on his dirty, grimy face.
“Hello, Slim, old pal!” said Boston Red; “you’re lookin’ on the pork;
Why, you used to be the swellest guy of any in New York. ”

“ Coffee, cacao, cane, cattle, corn and illegitimate children are the principal products of the country. At one time the official census for three years in Caracas gave legitimate births as 3,848, and illegitimate as 3,753. The ratio is even worse in the country districts. A Venezuela bachelor who hasn’t a half-dozen mistresses, has lost caste and is looked down on; a married [25] man is expected to run two or three home establishments. Love is free, but drugs are costly. ”

“ When a man becomes so well acquainted with a girl that she tells him “Now, stop,” he is fairly well acquainted.
Most men have quit wearing suspenders, but that’s about all some women wear.
There are a number of ways to kiss a girl, but only one way to kiss a married woman.
A girl with a quart of hootch is more popular these days than the girl with a ton of good looks. ”

“ There are some married women who would like to play football providing there weren’t any goal posts.
A boxer who fights his battles in the ring instead of in the columns of the newspapers is a sufficient attraction these days to merit considerable attention. ”

“ America surely has given us a grand reception, and we are grateful. Next month we are planning on letting our Canadian neighbors get our bundle of farm filosophy, and as quickly as newsdealers can be communicated with, we will open up new territory. ”

“ We go out in woods with a lot [18] of other animals an’ monkey ’round all day yumping in and out hole in hill some fallers dig for cave.
Ay meet rich woman that say she skol star me yust so soon her husband go to Seattle. She gat big lemonzine an’ diamonds an’ she shake her shimmy when she walking. She bane gude skout all right, you bat my life, an’ she say Ay gat fine fizzic. She like strong faller an’ she like me be strong for her. ”

“ Chewing tobacco seems to have passed out with booze and suspenders. [54] A real “man” nowadays wears a belt and a wrist watch and smokes pills.
Somebody has said recently that jazz music is the voice of the devil. But who the devil cares?
When a woman threatens to scream you can be sure she won’t. ”

“ Not many Minnesota farmers can afford, in these low-wheat-price days, such a luxury as an electric lighting plant, and so the one put in at the Whiz Bang farm created quite an interest.
Gus, our hired man, thought it would be a good idea to have a sort of celebration over the new electric lights. The idea met with instant approval from Mrs. Bill and the kids. The next question was how to celebrate the great event. Gus suggested a “snoose” party, but as not all of my neighbors chew the Copenhagen breakfast food, his suggestion received a cool reception, particularly from Mrs. ”