Various

“ His attitude brings me to Senator Vest’s plea for a dog.
“The best friend a man can have in this world may turn against him,” said the senator. “His son or daughter, whom he has raised with kind and loving care, may [34] prove ungrateful, those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and our good name, may become traitors to our faith. The money a man has, he may lose; it flies away from him when he perhaps needs it most. A man’s reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of ill-considered action. ”

“ If fortune drives the master forth, an outcast into the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege than to accompany him, to guard against dangers, to fight against his enemies. ”

“ Lucia was a martyred maid in the time of Diocletian, and lost her money and her eyes. The island bearing her name has suffered outrage and martyrdom and may well invoke her as the patroness of the poor and blind, for its inhabitants are afflicted with poverty and eye disease.
The land-locked harbor is the military key to the West Indies. Morne and Vigie are striking fortifications, and historic hill-tops in the back-ground have been bathed in the blood of those climbing the Calvary of death. They were drenched in mist and rain when we docked. Coal and not carnage is the leading industry now. ”

“ No line of business in the world combines more petty jealousies than creep through the Picture World. Men play the women against one another; women play men and the whole bunch forever conjure to hold the upper hand. ”

“ Oh, the orgy giving to the winds its heaving breasts, red with kisses; the orgy shaking out its perfumed hair upon its bare shoulders, dancing, singing, shouting, holding one hand out to this man and the other to that one; the orgy, hot courtezan, that yields readily to every fancy, that drinks punch and laughs, that stains the cloth and its gown, that dips its garland of flowers in a bath of Malmsey wine; the ribald orgy, showing its foot and its leg, letting its heavy head fall to right or left; the quarrelsome, blaspheming orgy, quick to snatch its stilleto from its garter ”

“ Sandy, the office manager, approached Annie, the stenographer, for another loan of $10. It was a weekly occurrence and always had been granted.
“Well, Miss Laurie, here I am again to borrow the usual ten spot,” he said. “Funny isn’t it? Here I am making three times as much money as you, and yet I have to borrow from you every week. You always have money on hand, and I feel ashamed to ask you for another loan.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” replied Annie, “I haven’t as much money as you think, but I have borrowed from the boss and always manage to hoard a little bit.” ”

“ A man’s dog stands by him, in health and in sickness, in poverty and in wealth; he will sleep on the cold ground, when the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only he may be near his master’s side. ”

“ Troubetskoy ranks as one of the greatest sculptors in the world and his Hollywood home saw many a high jinx, intrigue of love and gambling revel. The Prince, a good natured old fellow, cared not what anyone else did, so long as he could gamble and not be obliged to eat meat. His wife enjoyed the society of young men, though not many of them seemed to break their necks courting her favor. The Princess didn’t get by very well, not any too sweet with a little tea aboard. So our lady of Film ambition meets a number of men who lounge in and out partaking of the Troubetskoy hospitality. ”

“ Helen never raised more hell in Troy than the island of St. Lucia did in the West Indies. It is some 250 square miles, is volcanic, and has been in constant war-like upheaval.
Our ship, the “Caraquet” has arrived here, where for 150 years the French and English have cut each others throats. From 1605, when English settlers landed in the “Oliph Blossome” from Barbadoes and were massacred in less than two months—others were smoked out by natives burning red pepper—to 1814, when the isle was finally ceded to Great Britain, St. Lucia has been seeded with hate and borne a harvest of death. ”

“ Sure Mike Angelo would have wrestled with them, but Ben Cellini would have thought twice before he dared throw them about as he did his model whom he grabbed by the hair, kicked and mauled so she was compelled to anoint her wounds with bacon fat while he stood around and “larfed.” These husky, dusky damsels would have brained him with a lump of coal, thrown him in the sea, or mopped up the island with him. This holiday work gave the begrimed beauties extra money. They like work and carry their burdens on, not in their heads, the baskets often weighing 150 pounds each. ”

“ To escape with money and morals, we slid down hill after throwing them a few shillings to buy religious tracts to make tracks in a different direction. In town a crowd stood watching two women fighting and shaking their fists and naked breasts at each other till the sweet milk of kindness turned to sour hate. ”

“ Madam speaks again.
“But, my dear sir, three times now tonight have I been asked out to dinner to see what shall be done for me to get a part. Does one always have to eat dinner before getting into pictures?” ”

“ The tailor couldn’t convince Jim that the vest should be cut down, and with only one button, but finally they compromised on a two-button vest.
All went well until we arrived at the hostess’ home and I introduced Captain Edmunds to her. Jim had on a medal he won for saving a ship at sea, and my hostess, at first puzzled as to whether he was an ex-army captain or a sea skipper, noticed the medal, and exclaimed: “Captain, I see you’re naval.”
The old man blushed and blurted out: “Yes, and if that danged tailor had his way, you could see a whole lot more.” ”

“ Here is a story for young girls with movie ambitions. In fact it’s a crackerjack of a story for women in general. I do not believe the public, outside of Los Angeles, realizes that the favorite form for gaining a lady’s favor is to tell her she ought to be in pictures.
Girls strange to Los Angeles fall hard for this style of flattery, very often with serious final result. Designing men quite frequently bunco the fair and trusting creatures and “those who know” declare it is surprising how the ladies like the movie flattery. ”

“ We have our horseless carriages driven by the rich,
Our ladies wear silk stockings but never take a stitch;
We have wireless telegraphy which flies o’er land and sea,
We play upon the piano but never touch a key;
The belly-ache of former days is appendicitis now,
And we are eating creamery butter that never saw a cow.
Though progression is our motto and modern times have come to stay,
Thank God! We raise our babies—
In the good old fashioned way.
* * * Back to His Childhood
Pat and Mike walked into a drug store and said they wanted something to make them feel young again. ”

“ When you find this type of pessimist, a man who breaks out the hammer as the talk tends toward women—wild and otherwise—just jot it down in your little note book that at some time in his life a little bubble of conceit was pierced by a woman, and a man failed to measure up to the requirements. ”

“ We have nothing of that caliber in this rural community of Robbinsdale. Most of us are poor financially, but strong in the knowledge of Mother Nature and the homely ways of the farm and fireside. During the midst of our studies, we journeyed through Shakespeare’s immortal “King Lear,” and in the scene before Gloucester’s castle, we find the following:
Kent: Fellow, I know thee.
Oswald: What does thou know me for?
Kent: A knave, a rascal; and an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave ”

“ Streets of Castries are laid out in right angles, and many of the population were laid out in the streets at all angles. Every old soak fills up. I saw a black man and woman stagger along the walk, fall in the gutter, make love and wallow there like pigs. ”

“ Those who are prone to fall on their knees and do us honor when success is with us, may be the first to cast the stone of malice when failure settles its clouds upon our heads. The one absolutely unselfish friend a man can have in this selfish world, is his dog. ”

“ But if we had the liquor, we wouldn’t wait for the pie.
* * *
A Minnesota man has a dog that chews tobacco and still has some sense left. But it doesn’t drink the liquor peddled these days.
* * *
A writer to the Whiz Bang asks, “Is marriage a success.” We’ll solve the question by letting the married folk fight it out among themselves.
* * *
A politician says the American people are being coddled too much. He’s right. Even the bootleggers won’t let you pour out your own drink any more.
* * *
The amount of money a man has is the difference between his love for that evil and his love for women. ”

“ A real estate agent was offered fifty dollars, less two and a half percent discount for cash, for an option on a piece of property. Being a poor mathematician and wishing to conceal his ignorance of arithmetic from his customer, he excused himself for a minute and sought his new stenographer. ”

“ I heartily agree with you in the belief that man is a strange wild beast, and when he gets what he wanted, he wonders why he wanted it. That’s why I’m on my way to Hot Springs, singing the rheumatic blues.—Sunset Slim. ”

“ If so, it is one of the few places in the West Indies where, by day and night, the traveler is offered sleeping [21] accommodations far removed from sleep or modesty. Cricket is popular in Castries, but not the bed-bug and cockroach.
If one is socially inclined there is many a black beauty whose back steps “take hold on hell.” One is accosted noon and night. Boat traffic in the West Indies is not always legitimately commercial. At different isles girls come aboard to sell beads, fruit and themselves. A ship is often delayed in getting these moral derelicts and strumpet stowaways put off. ”

“ We cannot find it in our soul possible to condemn any fellow man in such language as Shakespeare uses. We follow the quaint philosophy that every man has a redeeming [33] quality and that none combines the bald badness which Kent ascribes to Oswald. In our community, a man denounces another in few words. ”

“ Love may be blind, but don’t take chances and come home with a long silk stocking in your pocket.
* * *
Powder is the dust the gods have given women wherewith to blind the eyes of men.
* * *
All men are not homeless, but some are home less than others.
* * *
Man is often blind to virtue, but never to beauty.
* * *
The frail young thing who is too tired to run an errand for mother can wear out the huskiest man on the dance floor.
* * * Goosey, Goosey Gander
The Smiths heard Liza Gander, their maid, in the bathroom laughing and giggling for nearly an hour. ”

“ Do not be surprised if at various ports, men board the ship and invite Americans going ashore for the night to come and stay with their sisters—a hospitality quite Mexican and Latin-American. This is “old stuff” to observing travelers, but not often referred to by the average writers and lecturers on the West Indies who profoundly inform you the sky is blue, the grass green and the water wet. ”

“ There is another class of supposedly male beings who continually rant about the women. They usually exhibit a holier-than-thou attitude when the pleasures of a woman’s society are mentioned, and denounce them [31] as contributors to the undoing of man. ”

“ Dear Farmer Billy—As an honest tiller of the soil, perhaps you can tell me the difference between an apple and a girl?—Ann Arbor.
Sure, you have to squeeze an apple before you can get cider. But with a girl, you have to get “side” ’er before you can squeeze her.
* * *
Dear Captain Bill—I live in Milwaukee and a neighbor of mine is always making home beer. Who should I report it to?—Adam Sapple.
Notify the American consul.
* * *
Dear Sir and Captain—My husband, whenever he comes home intoxicated from moonshine liquor, kicks me in the stomach. What would you advise me to do?—Abused Wife. ”

“ Another good drink has been scratched off our list when we make our rounds of the bootleg joints—sherry and egg, for with eggs at a dollar a dozen and sherry 90 cents a finger, we can’t make the grade. However, as McIntyre & Heath might say, if we had some sherry, we could have sherry and egg, if we had an egg.
[23]
* * * He Gets a Tip
The dinner was excellent, and what made it better still was the fact that the girl who waited at table was one of the prettiest girls he had ever seen in his life.
And now it was time for him to leave his host and hostess and return to town. ”

“ The couple that left an automobile seat at the Whiz Bang farm a couple of months ago, while they went to town to report the theft of their automobile, haven’t come back yet, and I don’t know what the deuce to do with the seat.
[6]
Farmyard Filosophy Many a man’s reputation depends on what isn’t found out about him.
* * *
Women are divided into two classes; those who desire husbands and those who desire single men.
* * *
A good man who has gone wrong is in reality a bad man who has just been found out. ”

“ Young women who desire to break into the movies should be prepared to take a little “breaking-in” themselves unless they indeed are fortunate and bump into a man instead of some of the rat horde that infests movieland. ”