Various

“ Now listen, fellow shipmates, while talking about your girls
Have you ever thought of the two at home, more precious to you than pearls?
How they’re watching, waiting, hoping—sending prayers to God for you,
Asking him to guide you onward, to keep you straight and true.
Believing in you always, where’er you chance to roam,
Looking forward to the time when you’ll be coming home. [41]
Now I’ll ask you, fellow shipmates, answer if you can:
Have you always lived an honest life; can you call yourself a man? ”

“ The ladies who bathe in midnight pools, especially if considerable liquor has been provided, are not particular about their sea-going attire. They quite often prefer the no-piece bathing suit, although the shock of the water often arouses a sober moment. Then milady wonders with dismay how she can emerge amidst the highly interested group of lookers-on.
The cops who raid the little rooming houses and resorts of the less elite would reap a mighty harvest if they cared to intrude upon Wilshire or Hollywood. ”

“ These midnight marauders seemed to think the stars were lit to lead them on from shame to shame, while the truth is they sadly look down on souls whose beating pulses live for a pleasure that murders time, health, wealth, character and reputation.
They follow Satan as a guide, hypocrisy as a lawyer, impudence as an art, pleasure as an object and damnation as their end. If their minds were like matter and could show decay, they would smell like carrion. They wear fine clothes and live in beautiful houses, but their minds are empty and their souls in rags. ”

“ Just how a woman can love a man and simultaneously inform the wide, wide world that he is a cheap skate passeth understanding.
Several million or so perfectly good white columns of newspaper space were spoiled with the most wanton brand of domestic prattle ever dished out in a city already weary with the frothy doings of its ultra frothy society.
Then Chaplin’s attorneys announced that if Mildred shut up and quit using the Chaplin name that she could take a couple of hundred thousand shekels and call it quits. ”

“ South America is the white slave market of the world. She has black slaves in gold mines and rubber camps of the interior, and white slaves on the coast who have been brought from every country of the world with promises of marriage or respectable employment.
The white slaver is the Devil’s missionary who lays nets which Lucretia cannot avoid, and gives baits and bribes which move Penelope.
Babylon had a marriage market for her women; Rio has a girl’s slave pen, over whose portals is written Dante’s Hell motto. ”

“ A smile is the difference between a man and a brute, though a laughing hyena is preferable to a scowling misanthrope, and a heathen who only wears a smile to a Christian garbed in gloom.
Cheerfulness does more for health and holiness than pills and preaching. Why not smile in a good world with a gracious God? ”

“ The worst thing Chaplin ever was heard to say about his wife hasn’t been printed, probably for the reason that the bepestered young man didn’t say it. Chaplin may be a cheap skate, a nickel counter, and own but two automobiles, but his closest friend and most persistent interviewer never drew from him a word against the unfortunate partner of his domestic woes. ”

“ How much better it is to have a fool to make one merry than experience to make one sad. Why not have Christmas cheer fifty-two weeks in the year and let it brighten and bless spring, summer and autumn till winter comes again? ”

“ The world was given us to cheer our hearts; religion was never designed to make our pleasures less, and when it does we have less of religion and more of something else. To be a child of God is to be a happy member of his family in a present Eden which thrills the brain, fills the heart, and makes us rejoice in the hope of a home where sin and sorrow shall never enter. ”

“ Here are the painted women whose keen eyes stab, whose vampire lips suck life blood, whose tresses are winding-sheets, and bodies graves in which honor and purity are buried. Happier for them had they dressed in a shroud, clasped hands with a leper and kissed a red-hot stove than to have dressed, drunk and debauched as they did. ”

“ There is more of light than shadow, and we feel it as we look at matchless sunrise and sunset, glinting stars, deep green of forest, lighter color of meadow and grain field, and the sunbeams chased by the wind across hillside and valley. ”

“ Horace, the Latin poet, taught truth by laughter; in politics a smile has controlled kings; and Swift and Heine did more by their smiles for freedom than swords. We can’t all be poets, painters and presidents, but we can all be end-men to Life’s minstrel show. ”

“ Man, [27] now rather bibulous, was reciting some alleged woes and calling down his wrath upon the “long hairs.” “Long Hairs” is right in Los Angeles just now, except in high society. There isn’t a night but that the “morals squad” or “break-in cops” charge down on some rooming house and there do batter and probe, dragging out the unfortunate wights who cannot show a wedding license. It appears that the actor and his fair conquest, after leaving the pajama party, had experienced some embarrassment, at least such was the impression the man left by his startling conclusion. ”

“ Age comes, the body withers, the brain grows dull, the blood becomes thin, the soul grows weary; and the power to live, as once we lived, is taken from us. We sit, white-haired, blue veined, drinking in the sun, [7] through shriveled pores, to drive the chill from our shrunken frame. ”

“ After all, our likes or dislikes for a city depend entirely on how we enjoy ourselves and the friends we are fortunate enough to meet. I was treated with a reckless abandon and true western spirit of congeniality. ”

“ A Buenos Aires agent for vaudeville had come to New York and booked them through his agency. He said conditions were better in South than North America; that they could each earn $50 a week, and have all expenses paid, if they would “just sing American songs.” But before [20] landing they learned from some one who knew this agent, that gambling and wine rooms were run in connection with the theatre, and that it would be necessary for them to carry revolvers for protection. ”

“ Buenos Aires, Argentina, and Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, have the dual reputation of being the Sodom and Gomorrah of South America.
The theatres of Buenos Aires begin at 9 p.m., and the Devil’s Mission opens at the same time. I followed some of his congregation to the “Royal Theatre” and paid $1.50 gold to stand up in the back part of the house behind a rail and look at some silly French films. They were followed by the real entertainment which was opened by an American chorus whose flat voices would have been high-priced at 25 cents admission. ”

“ The midnight bathing parties in Los Angeles and Hollywood are a little passé just now, on account of the weather for one thing. Since one of our best known citizens was suddenly taken with cramps in one of the Romanesque pools without wearing even his B.V.D.’s, the sport has assumed a classification regarded as “dangerous indoor sports.” ”

“ I’d suggest that you publish a want ad in the Whiz Bang as follows:
To Whom It May Concern: I cheerfully recommend my old girl to any young man wanting a suitable dating companion for next year:
She is a good dancer physically and morally.
She is a good looker.
She is a good listener.
She isn’t too good.
She is an excellent pedestrian, in fact, she will always say she likes to walk, although she is not prejudiced against a car.
She is a woman of deep emotions whom only you will be able to thrill. ”

“ If you are a dry, why do you run yourselves bowlegged hunting for unhealthy licker,
And if you believe another lil’ drink won’t do us any harm, why do you vote the Sahara Desert ticket?
What’s the answer?
Darned if we know. We’re a Mick.
[14]
High Life in South America
Reverend Golightly Morrill, veteran of many travels in sinful climes, will tell of the wickedness of the West Indies in the March issue of the WHIZ BANG, and how he, sophisticated as he is, succumbed to the enticements of one of Eve’s daughters with a tempting bowl. ”

“ Nature moves oftener to the time of “L’Allegro” than “Il Penseroso”—the major, not the minor chord, predominates. The carol of birds, hum of insects, rustle of leaves, ripple of water and chirrup of cricket are only sad to those whose natures are harsh. ”

“ The author of the following poem is an ex-sailor who now lives in Long Beach, California. It is a poem that all red-blooded men should read and then ponder a bit. Here is the writer’s prelude, explaining how he happened to bring forth such a gem:
“In and out of the service, I have noted that when two or more men engage in conversation, their talk eventually turns to women. Women—bad, indifferent, and sometimes good—is generally the chief topic of the man, but when one brings in some word about a good woman, he is often silenced by stares or cutting remarks. ”

“ No, thank you. As I say, the friendship of a good man for his good friend’s good wife is a rare and fine thing.
But for ordinary human nature it is too risky.
* * *
Life always has some horrid clog
To trip a fellow up,
And it’s hard to be a gay, gay dog
On the income of a pup.
* * * A Matter of Habit
Pat—Johnny Newlywed says he has the most economical wife in town. ”

“ Our sympathies are with the fair sex all the time. If a girl has a shapely ankle, why should she hide it? It is part of her stock in trade—in fact, a show window for the male-and-female market, or marriage market, or whatever you want [36] to call it. Frequently it enables a girl to obtain a good position, it is said. ”

“ They regard the profession highly, and rightly so.
This being the case, nobody would object if a doctor showed the courage of his convictions by allowing his fellow “cut-ups” to strap him on an operating table and dissect his carburetor and other inside machinery.
But until doctors assume this attitude, most regular people will regard vivisectionists as a low species of bloodthirsty coward, pandering to a perverted taste for twisting entrails.
[35]
* * * Puritans of the city of Spokane, Wash., are seeking to have a city ordinance regulating the length of skirts. ”

“ No male being would dare go into a shop and pull everything off the shelves only to walk out and buy nothing. Men say they wouldn’t like to give the trouble for nothing. But it isn’t that at all. They haven’t the courage. We don’t pull things about to be spiteful, but to see if we can get what we want. ”

“ You might just as well expect a girl to cover up her face if she is a good-looker, or place blinders or goggles on her eyes if they sparkle too much. Besides, we have the poor policemen to consider. Do we wish to take all the joy out of their lives? These cops virtually live on the streets. ”

“ In fact, his mixture would make the Dove of Peace challenge the American Eagle to mortal combat.
Casey is a vagrant minstrel of human interest and I was only too glad to accept of an invitation to join him at his country home in Golden Valley. But here it is necessary to explain that Golden Valley is different than most communities in these good old dry United States. In Golden Valley it doesn’t appear to be necessary to distill the corn. Nearly every shock contains its gallon jug hidden away in the darkened recesses. ”

“ In the March issue, The Whiz Bang will publish a story for girls with movie ambitions. The scene of the story, which is true to life, is woven about the home of a well-known Hollywood character, Prince Troubetskoy. The Prince ranks as one of the greatest sculptors in the world and his California home saw many a high jinx. Do not miss this story, which tells of the system used by designing men in leading astray the unwary. ”

“ If some married women would only realize the value of a chic robe de nuit en crepe de chine, and other dainty lingerie in retaining their hubby’s admiration, they’d never be found sleeping alone in flannelette while he entertained a bit of fluff outside the home circle. ”

“ And may the years to come endear you more to the thousands of American “Bohemians,” who recognize you now as a damn good fellow.
Even though the desert remain arid, and we are forced to sip from lips that burn, and betray, for inspiration, we’ll remain in the fight until old Mother Earth calls upon us for our quota of bone and flesh—dust. Yours for the bull-con, E. W. Welty.
* * *
Ima Cumming: If, while going through the park at night, you should hear some maiden say, “Sweet, Daddy,” that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s talking to her father. ”

“ Mary Thurman is said to have moved from the Beverly Hills hotel. Mary seemed to be in the money for awhile. It costs to live at Beverly. A pretty thing, Mary, but life is just one thing after another.
Let us give vent, brethren, to a long sigh of relief that Mildred Harris Chaplin has ceased yapping for the moment at least. ”

“ We’ll say that it depends largely on circumstances. If a girl’s short skirts cause a crowd to gather in the street, and automobile drivers to look around while driving, then it’s a question of safety. ”

“ Our hired man, Gus, says that he was told by Gus, our village butcher, that an Alabama black man had got a straight tip from the jockey’s bible that it would take just as long for the grasshopper to do the trick you mention as it would take a two-stripe member of the 27th Division to pick off 3,000,001 cooties with a pair of 16-ounce boxing gloves.
* * *
Dear Captain Billy—If you had a girl out riding in your automobile, and she complained of being cold and said she would be all right if she only had something around her, would you drive back, as I did, and get her coat?—Bashful Bob. ”

“ You don’t have to be a seasoned veteran to put “pep” in your work.
* * *
Dolly Dollars: Yes, we all blow many beautiful bubbles of iridescent hue, and of course, some of ’em are just bound to bust.
* * *
Said mother to father:
“It’s time that girl of ours was married.”
“Oh, what’s the rush? Let her wait till the right man comes along.”
“Why should she? I didn’t.”
[60]
* * * It ’Appened in Hingland
Both the vicar and his curate were extremely devout churchmen, and so when Lent came round they naturally decided that each must deny himself something, and thus set a proper example to the flock. ”

“ The lad, in boyish innocence, replied: “Just a minute, Gus, an’ I’ll go and wake up father.”
* * *
I remember the only time I ever was in New York. I was still a commissioned officer in the army and had registered at a Broadway hotel as “Captain Gunn.” I immediately got loaded; dreamed I was discharged and awakened to find myself shot to the devil. My brother Harvey, who was a buck private in the tank corps at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, met me at the [5] Marlborough hotel while he was A. W. O. Ling in New York. ”