Various

“ There is something infinitely wonderful about one’s pal that you can’t even express or explain. A pal doesn’t keep things back. A pal is honest, above-board, open, and expressive. A pal can make mistakes and they are just mistakes; but if he isn’t your pal, then they are blunders instead, and you may resent and be unhappy and sadly sorry—but, somehow, with a pal you love right through everything and are the stronger bound for the very weaknesses that sometimes hide strong feeling unexpressed. ”

“ Your smiling face is an inspiration to me at all times and your voice is like the chimes of Normandy in my ears. Your smiles are like the sunshine in Flanders Field in spring. Dearest love, I cannot live without you. Life would be as barren as the desolate hills of the Arctic. ”

“ As a matter of fact, Chaplin at his best would attract many women. He has a winsome way, as they say. Truth of the matter is that this young favorite of film fortune is quite lonesome, not knowing who is or who isn’t his friend, either man or woman. He is paying the stern penalty which fame frequently exacts. ”

“ A pal is always around—in spirit and in feeling. He doesn’t understand the fair weather quality. If it rains, he is still your pal. If it cyclones, he is just the same as when the sun is brightest and warmest. A pal hovers about.
My pal is always around when I am most in need, and I am inspired and spurred ahead. I shall win all things worth while because I have a pal; and there will be no secrets except for the utter freedom and frankness of expression between us, back and forth, which, in itself, becomes a double secret to the world, but no secret at all as far as we are concerned. ”

“ If we believe with the Mohammedan that heaven here and hereafter is pleasure, and so smile at debauchery and defy death, we will live to shed tears hotter than blood, dream dreams that reflect the flames of a literal hell, and have a moral nature as hideous and deformed as our bodies, so twisted with disease that the undertaker must change the shape of the coffin to fit the limbs. ”

“ Dear Captain Bill—Why is a landlord like a poker player?—Tom Nolan.
Because he always raises when he gets a full house.
[32]
Whiz Bang Editorials “The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet”
A pal is in the diamond-pearl-ruby class—very rare and very precious. But different in this way—fine and scarce as a real pal is, intrinsic value does not enter into his possession.
A pal loves, forgives, forgets, sympathizes, understands—above all, understands. You don’t have to explain or excuse to the one who is your pal. ”

“ Excitement and absence of restraint drain vitality so that carousers are unfit for life’s practical duties of business, home, society and religion. Midnight dissipation breaks down the reserve of virtue and becomes a vestibule to vice through which throng fevered bodies, stifled wits and sodden souls. Surely they show, as the mask is removed, faces that are anything but gay. Sin has pleasures, but they are only “for a season.” Soon the lights fade, the sweet turns bitter, apples of Sodom turn to dust and ashes, and we have nothing but grief and pain for promised joy. ”

“ There is not a thing I would not go through to reach you. Every time I think of your smiling face, the gates of Paradise are lost in oblivion. There is not one, oh Rose of the Moon, that could take your place in my heart. ”

“ Ordinarily we do not perform such high-class service for a dime, but to assist America in returning to “normalcy” we have decided to fix it up without war tax and at reduced prices. Therefore, Mr. Fallin Love, we are offering for your approval Captain Billy’s “How to Make Love.”
Dearest, most darling of girls, rosebud of my heart and cream of mine eyes—My little dream girl, how I would love to hold you in my arms tonight and press my lips against those ruby cupid bows of yours. I long for you every hour of the day, and at night I yearn for you. ”

“ Going back to biblical days, the throwing of the beautiful woman to the lions for her refusal to satisfy the lust of the King of Babylon, is compared with woman’s present punishment upon man for Babylon’s offense. ”

“ It has been quite noticeable that the object of Chaplin’s recent devotion bears none of the eye, ear or leg marks generally supposed to feature the extra smart ladies. This girl is modest appearing and, what is more, modest acting. She doesn’t smoke, nor drink; and, so far as anyone knows, doesn’t chew nor swear. She goes about with Charlie but indulges in none of the frivolities.
Not to swear is regarded as remarkable among the movie dames. ”

“ Women rule. Cherubim of hell, they sit around in scanty costumes that show what they are supposed to hide, and eat and drink, talk and look and leer with a flushed and overwrought animation of mind and body. ”

“ All arrangements were gone through and I was well pleased with the outlook excepting for the lack of a cat. Now, it may seem strange that an ordinary household pet like a cat should in any way be considered, but really, friends, I was somewhat disappointed in not finding Tabby.
Ever since the Persian kitten of pedigreed fame entered into my life, I have had a natural antipathy for the felines. La Page’s excuses for not having a cat were apparently sound logic. “A cat is like a woman,” he said. “She purrs when petted, and scratches and spits venom when things go wrong. ”

“ De Musset’s confession is ours, and first astonishment gives way to horror and pity. The masked ball is but the scum of libertinism; the feast is ennui trying to live; the palace of sin is filled with yawning mouths, fixed eyes and hooked hands. ”

“ Balzac—A virtuous woman has in the heart a fiber less or a fiber more than other women; she is stupid or sublime.
Delphine de Girardin—Nothing, after a stupid woman, is rarer in France than a generous woman.
George Sand—Woman is stupid by nature. ”

“ Young lady clerks or stenographers quite frequently are told to leave the room when an irate movie girl enters. It may be that Chaplin is experiencing a state of austerity and aloofness from ordinary mundane affairs which a man often does experience after his soul has somewhat been seared by the white iron of social cruelty—whatever that means.
Anyhow Charlie is not intending to commit suicide as a result of the parting from Mildred. The women flock after him if they get half a chance. ”

“ But if one does not have such an extraordinary view, it is hard to take seriously the arguments of those who would lengthen skirts to preserve virtue.
It needs but very little looking and thinking to reach the conviction that the best cure for curiosity about legs is to see legs. ”

“ Many people may have wondered what became of a girl who several years ago was probably the most noted of the film comediennes. She didn’t seem ever to be the same following an episode between herself and one of the big producers, a man nationally known.
The story was never published, but a penitentiary term stared this big gun in the face had the girl died. It seems that the producer had a well oiled case on her, but became enraged one night when, upon visiting her home, he discovered another man had made considerable inroads, so far as appearances went. ”

“ If you have a pal you have the world—and no one can take it from you.
* * * In this day and age of hair dyes and henna, women who are beautiful but unwise, wise but not beautiful, virtuous but neither wise nor beautiful, of good discourse and good music, but neither virtuous, wise nor beautiful, Benedict of “Much Ado About Nothing” would be sorely put to find a wife, it occurs to me. From this Shakespearean play we unearth the following statement of the finical Benedict:
“One woman is fair, yet I am well ”

“ A pal always comes to you when you need him most, and he isn’t scared away a bit, if the whole world deserts you. He is there to stay because, don’t you see, he is your pal, and you want him and he wants you. ”

“ Sex morality has no relation to clothing, as is proved by the naked tribes of East Africa, who are the most moral people in the world in their natural state, but who always take a downward step morally when compelled by missionaries to wear clothing. ”

“ Since health and comfort are so markedly conserved by the short skirt, one hopes never to see again on our streets the skirt that sweeps the filth of the sidewalk.
* * *
Some bunk historian claims that Pocahontas never saved John Smith’s life; that Miles Standish never talked with Priscilla; and knocks a lot of other Colonial traditions, including the one about Columbus making an egg stand up. Some of these days we will be told that Jack Horner never stuck his thumb in a pie; that the old woman never lived in a shoe ”

“ Wallace Jackson called on Miss Jennie Barnett as usual.
* * * It is refreshing to know that the woman who was brought up for biting a man in self defense has been bound over to keep the piece.
* * * Washington woman wants the Congress to impose a tax upon bachelors varying from one dollar a year for men from 21 to 24 to $5 for men of 65 or over. She should reverse her scale and tax the bachelors while they are useful. A bachelor of 65 is not worth taxing—from a woman’s standpoint. ”

“ Ay aint bane pretty gude writin’ faller, anyhow Ay yust take a chance. Ay skol tole you Ay yust got gude yob in moving picture studyo hyar in Loose Angels being actor faller.
One time in Minneapolis, faller tole may Ay yump yust so high lak Douglay Bareflanks so Ay yust sall may team an’ kom out hyar. Ay hang round studyo for ’bout sax week looking for yob. One day, faller with long chin an’ punkin-seed mustache kom out an’ hire me. He skol take all may clothes away for tray dollar a day to be Indian. ”

“ Sometimes I sigh and sometimes I smile,
But I keep each olden, golden while
All to myself.
—W. D. N.
[48]
Pasture Pot Pourri Brevity is the sole of wit, and the sole charm of a maiden’s skirt.
* * *
It’s the first straw hat which shows how the wind blows.
* * *
I suppose the maid does all the hard work? ”

“ The Whiz Bang has been selling rather fair since Christmas, with the result that I was able to scrape together a few hundred bucks to make first payment on a log cabin at Pequot, Minnesota, and 80 acres of cut-over pine land on the shore of Big Pelican Lake. ”

“ After we skol have rehersal ’bout fourteen times Ay git pretty mad an’ Ay yump on him’s neck an’ bust him’s yaw an’ den Director faller he yell “CAMERA” an’ a faller start grinding krank lak machine-gun. Nother faller turn switch-light on me so Ay skol go blind an’ den Ay gitting mad lak Devil an’ Ay lick Director an’ bust up camera an’ kick slats out of some extra fallers hangin’ ’round. Log house she fall down an’ bust up switch-lights an’ set fire on studyo. Faller run out from office an’ slip me tray dollar quick lak lightning an’ Ay lose may clothes an’ watch an’ Ay aint give a dam. ”

“ Now Pat was a good Irishman and had attended mass at the same church for twenty-five years.
In the good old days, when a “slug” was 10 cents and a “schooner” a 5-cent piece, Pat was always visiting Casey’s saloon for a wee nip.
On this particular Sunday morning, Pat found himself in church with only a 5-cent piece and a five dollar gold piece in his pocket. During the offertory of the mass, he made the mistake of dropping in the gold piece. After service, following his custom of many years, he slipped into the back door of Casey’s for his morning’s drink. ”

“ These newsy nuggets sum up our monthly gossip from the inside circles of Hollywood and Universal City.
By RICHMOND
Lest anyone imagine that Charlie Chaplin is wearing mourning weeds as a result of his recent and widely advertised marital tribulations, forget it! Charlie has been busy making much over a dainty frail of seventeen or eighteen, who came west to work in an Anita Loos picture. It is said that Charles finds a delightful communion of spirit in the acquaintanceship which has developed between himself and the pretty girl.
Does Chaplin care for wild women? ”

“ Adventures of Sven
“Inside doings” in the motion picture camps of California, with real characters and true incidents, will be reeled off to Whiz Bang readers in this and subsequent issues under the character title of “Svens Peterson’s” letters to his Minnesota friends, with Whiz Bang Bill as the interlocutor. The Whiz Bang has increased its regular staff of war correspondents in Hollywood and Universal City now to four crack writers, who will bring to the readers of this great family journal first-hand gossip from the dressing-rooms. ”

“ But as near as I can remember, I never missed a drink.
The one in blue got my spark, waiter, her side pal got my clock.
Oh, I don’t want to know the time, waiter, just lead me down to the dock,
Yes, lead me down to the dock, waiter, for a watery grave I pine,
The place for a man that’s pickled is over his head in the brine.
Just tell them I am at the “Murray” cure, waiter, that I died as a hero should ”

“ Jackson: “The idea of letting your wife go about telling the neighbors that she made a man of you! You don’t hear my wife saying that!”
Johnson: “No, but I heard her telling my wife that she had done her best!”
[22]
Strolling With Jane Gaites He Who Hesitates By JANE GAITES
The moon is responsible for many things—so is the back seat of almost any automobile. Instead of wading through the usual tiresome description of the “perfect summer’s eve,” let us draw our own conclusions of moonlight scenery and peep into the cozy little sedan belonging to Ken Conniston, the hero. ”

“ A colored trooper of Camp Kearney, California, wanted to visit his sweetheart in Los Angeles, but as he couldn’t get a furlough, he decided to go A.W.O.L.
The guard at the gate stopped him, and demanded to see the trooper’s pass.
The black man pulled out a razor.
“Brudder,” he warned, “mah mudder’s dead and am in Heaben. Mah faddah’s dead and am in Hell, but mah gal am alive and in Los Angeles. And ah’s gwine to see one of dem three tonight.” ”

“ The repentant producer treated her handsomely in a financial way, but she has never risen high in pictures since and apparently has left the films for good.
[12]
Whiz Bang Filosophy
Eat, drink—and be careful.
* * *
A Miss is as good as her smile.
* * *
Home is where the mortgage is.
* * *
Man proposes and woman imposes.
* * *
Fine feathers make fine feather beds.
* * *
Oh, for the gland, gland days of youth!
* * *
There’s many a slip between the cop and the nip.
* * *
Many a girl has a good beginning and a week-end.
* * *
No skirt should be so short as to expose the knee plus ultra. ”

“ Few women apparently have any appeal for him. Most of them seem too thick-headed and lack the lustre of wit and conversational powers that make headway where a high-strung, keen-minded [9] man is concerned. ”