Undertaker

“ How gay and merry does every face appear at a well ordered ball, and what a solemn sadness is observed at the masquerade of a funeral! but the undertaker is as much pleased with his gains as the dancing-master: both are equally tired in their occupations, and the mirth of the one is as much forced as the gravity of the other is affected. ”

“ And thus did our undertaker perform his undertaking, and his Companion was so much a Gentleman as to perform his promise to give the sum of Mony for his reward that had been agreed upon, and our undertaker who had only made use of this young Woman as an Instrument to bring his purpose to effect, caused the young man to give her a reward for what she had unknowingly endured and done. ”

“ And no one ever wept so fast,
Or sadly as did I.
The Undertaker did the rest,
With him I did agree;
And he and all have since confess'd,
They found no change in me;
They found no change in me.
This work was published before January 1, 1929, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago. ”

“ It is safe to assert that every one cannot be an undertaker; in this profession, a man is more than in any other the architect of his own fortune; his success depends altogether upon his tact, skill, discrimination and untiring efforts to please those who may honor him with their trust. No small matter is it for an undertaker to perform his solemn duties with credit to himself and to the satisfaction of all present ”

“ I have become quite convinced that the most entertaining man in the world is the undertaker. Now, I do not pretend to say that there is anything original about my observations. Others have in all probability frequently commented on his peculiarities—but I nevertheless feel that it is my duty to give him a little attention in order to repay him, at least in part, for the many favors received at his hands. ”

“ There is one characteristic that distinguishes the undertaker from the common herd of men with mercantile instincts; he is scrupulously honest. He always gives full measure. This is very comforting to his patrons—especially those who like a comfortable fit. There is not a tailoring establishment in this blessed town that can show such a record as my friend Blank, the undertaker. Why, he has been making underclothing most all his life and never yet had a misfit turned back on his hands. ”

“ It shall be my pleasure, as well as my duty, to correct these erroneous impressions regarding a noble craft that has always taken a lively interest in its patrons—an interest that has never been reciprocated by those most benefited by the undertaker’s labors.
There may be captious critics who will differ with my belief that the undertaker is the most entertaining man in the world, on the ground that those whom he entertains never give him any encores. ”

“ To a great many the business of the undertaker has something dreadful and appalling about it; and without very well understanding themselves the nature of the feeling, it is always associated with the horrible. ”

“ The laying out, washing, dressing, etc., of a corpse, under any and every circumstance, ought to be so systematized and arranged, that either the undertaker or his assistant may be able to perform these duties alone and singly, with ease and promptness, should circumstances so require. ”

“ It is high time the business of undertaking be truly, and really, raised to the rank of a profession; let every undertaker be convinced that his calling is a solemn and responsible one, and our ranks will soon be free from the few interlopers who, so far, have impeded our progress toward a just recognition from the public for a class of men whose services are often very little short of self-sacrifice. ”

“ In the matter of dressing the body, especially if it be that of a lady, this duty is usually performed by some lady attached to the establishment, or by some lady friend of the deceased, although the undertaker is often called to perform this office himself. It is at such a time that good taste and refinement will show conspicuous in the professional undertaker. ”

“ As the assertion was made at the beginning of this chapter that every man cannot be an undertaker, the above enumerated qualities requisite to the make up of a first-class professional will prove conclusively that such is the case. ”

“ I endeavored to avoid recognition, but it was no use. He saw me, and gesticulated so wildly to attract my attention that I was perforce obliged to respond in self-defense. The house being crowded, this little episode attracted much attention—especially on the part of numerous friends of the undertaker and myself, who, as luck would have it, happened to be present. These people smiled broadly; some even went so far as to wink significantly at each other.
The fat undertaker is one of those men who succeed in attracting attention at all times and under all circumstances. ”

“ As to his being unapproachable, I believe that the undertaker is misunderstood. It is true that he does not thrust himself forward in a pretentious manner—as do some people of inferior breeding—nor has he ever been known to meet a patron half way, but just let one of your friends hint that you need his services and see how quickly he will put in an appearance. ”

“ I have often marveled at the equability of temper displayed by the undertaker. I never heard of his swearing at, or using rough language to his patrons. He has such a soothing way with him, too; whenever he notices that his patron is inclined to get a little hotheaded he does everything in his power to allay his warmth, knowing full well that the man will get cooled down after a while. And his judgment is rarely at fault—the other fellow always does cool down. You see, it’s a poor quarrel that won’t keep—and the undertaker’s164 differences with his patrons are no exception to the rule. ”

“ An undertaker was pointed out to me to-day who follows so close in the wake of death that he quite often appears in advance of the grim leveler, and secures, if possible, the job of burying the body while yet the person is alive, much as he would bespeak a quarter of beef of his neighbor before the animal was butchered. ”

“ This plate is designed, with much humour, according to the rules of heraldry, and is called The Undertakers' Arms, to show us the connexion between death and the quack doctor, as are also those cross-bones on the outside of the escutcheon. When an undertaker is in want of business, he cannot better apply than to some of those gentlemen of the faculty, who are, for the most part, so charitably disposed, as to supply the necessities of these sable death-hunters, and keep them from starving in a healthy time. ”

“ Nervousness is manifest with some as soon as they commence handling a corpse, and is apparent through all the details of a funeral. Let any incident take place and everything is immediately thrown into hopeless confusion, as the undertaker himself feels more at fault than any one else. ”

“ By degrees the combat becomes animated, and the wrestlers hot and passionate, each adversary forgetting in the struggle the object of it—the trembling girl; at last the old giant, lifting the youth up above his head, flings him down at his feet, a corpse. ”

“ No longer could he do a fast twenty rounds, hammer and tongs, fight, fight, fight, from gong to gong, with fierce rally on top of fierce rally, beaten to the ropes and in turn beating his opponent to the ropes, and rallying fiercest and fastest of all in that last, twentieth round, with the house on its feet and yelling, himself rushing, striking, ducking, raining showers of blows upon showers of blows and receiving showers of blows in return, and all the time the heart faithfully pumping the surging blood through the adequate veins. ”

“ Severe and early training, long habits of rigid abstemiousness, the toils of war, and, more than all, perhaps, the constant play of a restless, anxious, aspiring temper, had left, undisfigured by superfluous flesh, the grand proportions of a frame, the very spareness of which had at once the strength and the beauty of one of those hardy victors in the wrestling or boxing match, whose agility and force are modelled by discipline to the purest forms of grace. ”

“ The wrestling is carried on, as a rule, good-temperedly; but when done by professionals for reward, awkward tricks are employed, such as suddenly thrusting the fingers into the eye of the adversary, and others still more dangerous. ”

“ To joust with the spear at the tournament, to fight with axes at the barriers, to lead the chase, and bring down his stag, all the ladies and the courtiers looking on in real or affected wonder; to figure in the dance or the mummery, to sing and play on musical instruments, to win at tennis or at chess, were so many modes in which his vanity indulged itself. ”

“ Our strength away in wrestling with the air;
For ’tis our nature strikes us down: the beasts
Slaughter’d in hourly hecatombs for feasts
Are of as high an order—they must go
Even where their driver goads them, though to slaughter. ”

“ The Wrestler
When God sends out His company to travel through the stars,
There is every kind of wonder in the show;
There is every kind of animal behind its prison bars;
With riders in a many-colored row.
The master showman, Time, has a strange trick of rhyme,
And the clown’s most ribald jest is a tear;
But the best drawing card is the Wrestler huge and hard,
Who can fill the tent at any time of year. ”

“ Thus he was continually being brought up to the fight, as a prize-fighter may be seen to be, who is carried up round after round, without any hope on his own part, and who, in each round, drops to the ground before the very wind of his opponent's blows. ”

“ Cries from every throat fill the air, pieces of cloth, perhaps only rags of cotton, are torn up and distributed to balance accounts; reproaches mingle with shouts of applause, and the match is over, unless the vanquished one suddenly seeks his revenge, and attacks his Opponent once more. A wrestling match never comes to an end without noise, screaming, and wrangling, but actual fighting seldom takes place. ”

“ Rarely could a wrestler manage to get both his arms under those of his opponent: when he did, the bout was over in a moment. By collar and elbow each tried to twist the other off his feet or trip him. ”

“ Avoid a fight if you can, of course; but, as Charlie Dickens says in that play of his, Jim the Penman, ‘once in a fight so carry yourself that the enemy shall be sorry for himself.’ Good-bye, my boy, and take care of yourself! ”

“ Well, wrestling's his forte—and he can break the back of any man he gets his arms round—and the rest's a mixture of boxing, ju-jitsu, and la savate, which, as you know, is kicking. Yes, he's a dirty tighter, though it's precious rarely that it comes to what you could call a fight. ”

“ But skillful, clever wrestling—like a professional. Why, I hadn’t a show. He didn’t hurt me a bit, but he just, well, he just sort of set me on one side. Then, as you say, he did know, even in the dark, just where he wanted to get to—and he got there. ”

“ Now three things go into the fighter—punch, endurance, but, most of all, instinct—the stuff that doesn’t let him ‘lay down’ when the going is rough, and doesn’t keep him from putting the wallop on a groggy opponent. Many a good fighter has missed championship because he was too tender-hearted to knock-out a helpless——”
“Do you like that story of mine you have, Varce?” Morning asked yawning. ”

“ What champion, not being used to the trainer, will be able, when summoned by the Olympic contests, to show forth anything great and noble against his antagonist? Ought we not every day to wrestle and fight and run? ”

“ Fighting, of course, is wrong; but there are occasions when.... I mean that one-handed fight of Sayers is one of the most spirit-stirring little stories; and with every love and respect for Morality, my spirit says to her, ‘Do, for goodness’ sake, my dear madam, keep your true, and pure, and womanly, and gentle remarks for another day. Have the great kindness to stand a leetle aside, and just let us see one or two more rounds between the men. That little man with the one hand powerless on his breast facing yonder giant for hours, and felling him, too, every now and then! ”

“ Catching fair and even holds, they begin to wrestle, encouraged each by the shouts and cries of his kinsmen and by the calling of the old men and old women on the spirits of the ancestors. [99] Each wrestler tries to push his opponent into the territory that that opponent is defending and to down him there. ”

“ There was present His Highness the Lord Protector, many of his privy council, and divers eminent gentlemen, to whose view was presented great agility of body and most neat and exquisite wrestling at every meeting of one with the other, which was ordered with such dexterity, that it was to show more the strength, vigour, and nimbleness of their bodies, than to endanger their persons. ”

“ They know that a wrestler who considers, while he is in the grip of his adversary, whether he would not do well to give over, and so put an end to the weariness and the strain, is no sort of a wrestler. ”

“ Although often wounded, I have at least always rendered a Roland for my adversary's Oliver. I learned in Paris that there was to be a tourney here and thinking that, as usual, it would be followed or preceded by some judicial combat, where I might represent the appellant or the appellee, I came to the place on a venture. Now, then, as a tavern-keeper, you are surely informed thereon."
"Oh, Sir champion! It is heaven that sends you. There will surely be need of you." ”