Palmer Cox

“ AND VOLCANO
The big glass with not so much as a single drop tasted by Emil Muller’s lips fell from his hand with a loud crash, and its contents flowed like an amber-colored river along the floor.
Almost instantly at the Red Spirit’s startling announcement Dragonfel had sprung up from his throne stiff and rigid, and was regarding the embryo musicians with a glare of peculiar malevolence.
“The Brownies!” he involuntarily ejaculated. “I thought they played too well for a German band!” ”

“ You do not speak like a peasant’s child.”
“Nay, I have some knowledge of fair speech,” said Florimel. “Yet do I count myself one of the people. And I fare from the city in quest of adventure. See, I have brought this bow and quiver of arrows with me!”
“Then most surely you will find it,” said the dame, “for we live almost on the edge of the kingdom, and beyond that line of deep woods there is a strange country with adventure enough, I warrant you. But come with me, and sit you at the board. My good man has gone to loose the sheep from the fold, and will be back very soon.” ”

“ Until the sweet and stirring air
Would rouse the feet of dullest there.
Like people in the spring of life,
Of joys and countless blessings rife,
Who yield themselves to Pleasure's hand—
So danced that night the Brownie Band. ”

“ Is not a task to waken fear
Or questions in an engineer.
Then why should doubt oppress a band
Who have all kinds of trades at hand,
When they have in their heads a scheme
Will we erect from side to side
A structure which will bridge the tide. ”

“ In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington, D. C.
iii
v PUBLISHERS’ PREFACE. Not only is truth stranger than fiction, but it is funnier also. Just as some men have no eye for colors, but are color blind; so some men have no eye for fun, but are fun blind. Happy is the man who can see the humor which bubbles up in daily life; doubly happy he who, having seen, can tell the fun to others and so spread the glad contagion of a laugh; but thrice happy is the man who, having seen, can tell the fun ”

“ Never before had they seen anyone so beautiful, as she stood before them in her long trailing gown, with a gem-crusted crown upon her brow, and in her hand a slender wand from whose tip shone the scintillating rays of a diamond.
“Your Majesty,” said queer little Dame Drusilda, “we are all your loyal subjects. Let us conduct you to the palace, where affairs of state await you.”
Amid great rejoicing they conducted Queen Titania to the palace. Wee-winged Cupids bore her long train. The portcullis was raised, and in triumph they entered. ”

“ One thus addressed the moistened crowd:
"Although the earth, from which we rise,
Now many miles below us lies,
To sharpest eye, strain as it may,
The moon looks just as far away."
"The earth is good enough for me!" ”

“ Said one: "Thus Science works its way
Through old remains from day to day;
And those who during life could find
No time, perhaps, to aid mankind,
May, after all, in some such place
For years assist the human race
By giving students, as you see,
Some knowledge of Anatomy." ”

“ A great volume of black, greasy smoke from the kitchen suddenly belched forth and hid him from sight.
It was not so long afterward that, all covered with soot, he crawled out of [61] the big open fireplace in the throne-room. Before he did so he made sure to satisfy himself that no one was there. But there was no telling when someone might come, and he knew it behooved him to secrete himself and instantly.
His goggle eyes oscillated in all directions around the room, and he craftily selected for his hiding-place a great tall clock that stood up close against the wall in a corner by itself. ”

“ That carpet the vale of the San Joaquin;” and as they close in upon the devoted inhabitants, their blended cries swell in pitch and compass until the sound resembles the impassioned tone of a fish-peddler’s horn. I stopped at a hotel in the lower part of the city, and before retiring for the night looked carefully about the room. As few mosquitoes were in sight, I concluded to sleep without using the bar. Congratulating myself on being assigned a room where so few of the common enemy of man were lying in wait, I extinguished the light and turned in. ”

“ For Brownies seldom idle stand
When there is fun or work on hand.
At night when darkness wraps us round
They come from secret haunts profound,
With brushes, pots of paint, and all,
They clamber over fence and wall ”

“ Down on the beach quite a number had found a big anchor half-buried in the sand. They had dug it out and were slowly bearing it with the utmost difficulty toward the raft.
Time and again they stopped for a brief breathing spell, standing meanwhile the anchor on its bow, until at last it suddenly fell over and pinioned a luckless sprite beneath its weight. He was extricated by his fellows, and, while they continued puffing with their burden he limped with effort after them, rubbing his bruised shank. ”

“ Then we hold our breath, as we see the pencil slide away to some other locality before a tail is attached to the body, and inwardly wonder whether the artist has forgotten to bestow upon her that graceful adjunct, or is intentionally giving us a new species of cattle. We heave a sigh of relief when the pencil returns, after a brief skirmish along the ribs, to bestow upon the cow that terminal appendage, at once a scourge for milk-maids and a swing for dogs. ”

“ We'll rest awhile and find our way
Inside the place without delay,
And those who understand the art,
Can knowledge to the rest impart; [47]
For every one should able be,
To swim, in river, lake, or sea. ”

“ Lo, they sit down as jurors, they judge and they vote,
And in steering through life ply an oar in the boat.
The mother departed looks down here with pride
On her merciful child dealing charity wide;
While man, that once governed so harsh and severe,
Applies for positions in meekness and fear;
Now the cane of the dude is no more on the street,
The eyeglass is missing, and sharp-pointed feet,
The poor “chappy” himself is beyond the bright spheres,
For ’tis not the same in a thousand years. ”

“ Dragonfel and his followers thereupon appeared in the doorway, and came forward escorted by the imps who evinced the greatest curiosity in the strange, rain-soaked visitors.
When they were within respectful distance of Vulcan the enchanter sank on one knee before him, and the rest immediately followed his example.
“Why have you sought me out?” demanded Vulcan, with distrust and suspicion on his seamed, rugged face as he sharply eyed them.
“Oh, Vulcan,” spoke Dragonfel, in smooth, oily tones, “powerful as I am, I acknowledge you my master. Who else can match you in your wondrous strength?” ”

“ We simply have to reach and take
And choose a place to boil and bake.
With meal and flour at our feet,
And wells of water pure and sweet,
That Brownie must be dull indeed
Who lacks the gumption to proceed. ”

“ We have always considered spiritualism the bluest carbuncle that ever festered upon the neck of society. We care not if the spirits were rapping around our table like a forty-stamp mill, we would eat our regular allowance with all the coolness that a Celestial manifests when absorbing his birds’-nest soup. If your bed dances a pas-seul after you get into it at night, there must be more than spirits around; and you would do well to throw a boot-jack or flat-iron under it before retiring. ”

“ Marvelous was the flower-texture of the gowns donned for this gala occasion, and in her robes of blush-pink mossrose petals which swept away in a long, fragrant train Titania never looked more beautiful and charming.
Little old Dame Drusilda who resembled a human morning-glory, [63] with hat, bodice, and dress all like cornucopias, fumed, fretted, and ordered all the other fairies around.
“As I live,” the fussy dame declared, “we’ve forgotten to wind the big clock, and it’s almost run down. Violet and Daffodil, go to the throne-room, and attend to this before we start.” ”

“ The sun may pour down its genial rays and the planks which his way lies over be warm and inviting, but he cannot loiter to enjoy its warmth or survey the beauties of nature. Oh! who would be a mouse? sigh I, as I sit and ponder over his life of inherent fear and uncertainty. ”

“ Prince Florimel is what might be termed a freak. The point is, could he represent his kingdom with the proper dignity?”
“Prince Florimel may be a freak as you say,” remarked a member of the cabinet, “but at the same time I have never seen a handsomer, manlier young fellow. His symmetry is perfect, and he is all that is chivalrous and brave. He is the stuff true kings are made of. The only thing against him is his size.” [9]
“That I fear is an objection which cannot be overcome,” said the wily duke. “Can we, a race of big men and women, be governed by a pygmy king—a hop-o’-my-thumb? ”

“ I actually feel ashamed when I think of the many projects I have abandoned through life, because I met with slight reverses. Here before me is this poor water-soaked rat, his hair still smoking from his recent scald, emerging once more from behind the wood box, determined to solve the problem of the sink-spout or perish in the attempt. A grim smile of resolution seems to part his pointed features, as he moves quietly up to the dripping conduit from which he lately scampered with steaming ribs. ”

“ Bright and fair dawned the wedding-day of Prince Florimel and Queen Titania.
Though all the days vied in beauty with each other, this one seemed to be more radiant with grace and loveliness than usual, for every living thing loved the happy little lovers and all Nature rejoiced with them. ”

“ Let us hope he is some physician who has been attending to his patients; or a minister of the gospel who has spent the night by the bedside of some sinking penitent; or a supervisor, who—while his constituents have been snugly dreaming away their troubles—has been legislating, and growing hoarse declaiming for the public good. Doctor or supervisor, as the case may be, it is evident he is sleepy, and cares not who knows it. Otherwise he would pick up his hat, which has fallen off, before it has twice been stepped on by passengers staggering through the car while it is in motion. ”

“ There were Violet, Daffodil, Bluebell, Daisy, Jassamine, Hyacinth, and ever so many others. You could find the names of all the rest in a seed-catalogue—that is, all but the little old wrinkled one who was known as Dame Drusilda. The fairies had a republic. Because they were all so very much alike, and equally beautiful, gifted, and clever, it would have been an extremely awkward matter to select a queen from among them. If any one had been chosen, all the others would have felt greatly slighted. ”

“ The absurdity of an irascible wife seeking a divorce from a husband because he indulges too freely in the flowing bowl must be apparent to all. She rushes into the crowded court room, and, figuratively speaking, catches the 165astonished justice by the ear, as Joab in the extremity of his distress laid hold upon the horns of the altar, and requests him to sever the chafing bonds with his legal shears. Again: what a pitiable lack of discretion that woman exhibits who appeals to the court merely because her husband deserts her, leaving her to pursue the even tenor of her way. ”

“ The eaglets disturbed by all this clamor perched on the edges of their nest as though deliberating upon the hazard of trying for the first time their wings in the dizzy space of blue. High overhead their angry parents soared [51] screaming their protests at what seemed to them an unwarrantable intrusion.
Still retaining the bow, Florimel climbed out toward the nest, intending to usurp possession of it, and with timid flaps of their untried wings the eaglets essayed flight. ”

“ The duke snarled like a wild beast as he read the lines:
“FAREWELL, DEAR UNCLE! KEEP YOUR EDGED TOOL FOR FATTED SWINE!”
“Fly!” old Gando cried, as he thrust Florimel out into the lonely, starlit night. “Oh, my dear young master, fly for your life!”
It was a sad and sudden change indeed for the youth, from the pleasant dreams of guardian Brownies surrounding his [13] bed, to the uncertainty of an unknown way before, and the certainty of a cruel enemy behind. ”

“ He’ll shed the tear of woe;
Perhaps he’ll turn him from the sods
That hide a mother’s face,
A father’s smile, a brother’s hand,
Or sister’s buried grace;
But there can hardly come a time
When life will look so drear,
Or can so little reason show
Why he should linger here.
175 A NIGHT OF TERROR. I am not the oldest inhabitant, and don’t know what sort of storms they used to have here before the flood; but I’ll wager a corner lot against a plug of tobacco, that this section, for the last twenty years, has not snoozed through a rougher night than the one just past. ”

“ Out in the harbor there tossed a galleon on the lazy swell—a craft built low amid-ship, and with both bow and stern curving high into the air.
Dragonfel gazed off at it with interest, and remarked:
“It may come in handy soon if these Brownies and fairies continue longer. They are getting altogether too good, and must be stopped. But let us go back to the palace to see if anything has happened in our absence.” ”

“ Thrice has he glided up the slippery incline until the tip of his long tail disappeared from view, but as often has he beat a hasty retreat, assisted on his downward way by a rushing torrent of hot dish-water. ”

“ The man had scarcely got the words out of his mouth before “mine host” produced a syringe, large as the trunk of a small-sized elephant, and slapping the nozzle of it into the soup, ran it circling around the plate, and with one long, slobbering draught, like that of a horse drinking through his bits, the soup plate was left lying before the hungry man, as empty as his own stomach. ”

“ But before some one could answer Dragonfel Euphrosyne, the Goddess of Mirth, suddenly appeared in their midst, though no one could tell just how or from whence she came.
“Meddlesome spirit that you are,” she said sternly, addressing her words to the crestfallen enchanter, “you can no longer trouble the Brownies. Your commission to do evil has expired.” ”

“ But, sir, it is with no ordinary thrill of pride that I espouse the cause of the woman who seeks a divorce from a snoring husband. I say, and I may remark that I say it boldly, that I rejoice it was reserved for me to raise my voice in her defence. I hold that a man who with malice aforethought takes from her peaceful home a tender and confiding maiden without first informing her of his trouble, commits a grave and unpardonable crime. ”

“ When the strongest buildings rock
To the awful earthquake’s shock
The trembling millions all confess my might!”
The lightning flashed, the thunder crashed, and over all the storm was heard a voice calling: “Vul-can! Vul-can!” [99]
Vulcan stopped work while his imps crept stealthily toward the door to listen.
“Is Vulcan at his forge?” was shouted in the wind and rain outside, with the accompaniment of a terrific knock on the door.
“Who dares disturb me on my busy night?” cried Vulcan, in a towering passion.
“It is I, Dragonfel, the enchanter,” said the voice placatingly. ”

“ Things needed touching up a bit, and he was getting busy.
“Where are those lazy ’prentices of mine?” he roared, in rumbling tones, as he pumped the bellows, while the flames in the forge leaped higher and higher. “Spry, Flash, Nimble, Twist, and the rest of you—where are you, I say? Has my voice grown so weak, you rogues, that you cannot hear me? Come hither this instant!”
From all directions in response to the angry summons came imps in red attire that fitted their lithe, supple bodies as snugly as the skins of eels. ”

“ Florimel shook his head despondently as he answered:
“I am sorry to say that we are all prisoners like yourselves. See, Titania, I have brought you this. I thought perhaps that it might help us.”
He took the little cooing creature from the bosom of his jacket and stroked its soft sides.
“Euphrosyne’s dove!” exclaimed Titania. “There is a shaft above through which it can escape. Let us send it with a message to her.”
Upon a scrap of paper she hastily wrote the words:
“Euphrosyne, Fair Goddess of Mirth:
“Dragonfel the wicked enchanter holds us captive in his country. ”

“ King Stanislaus seemed very much surprised.
“Harm!” he repeated. “What harm can befall her?”
“You forget the great danger she was in from the Human Octopus,” reminded Florimel.
“But the Human Octopus is no more,” said the king. [90] “There is nothing to fear on that score, drop him from memory.”
“Still Dragonfel the enchanter has made his threats,” said Florimel. “They may be wild, foolish threats, yet they cause me great uneasiness. I fear for the queen because of him.” ”

“ But at this particular time when all nature was at its best there were special observances that sprang from the gladness and exultation in all hearts, the very joy of existence, and the happiness that was manifested by every living thing.
Queen Titania and her fairies prepared for the innocent revels and dances that were to occur on a velvet sward some distance from the palace grounds, and their hearts were pleasantly thrilled by a notice with some pictures of Brownies that had been mysteriously tacked up in the neighborhood. ”

“ Looking up into her face, he thought he had never seen anyone so beautiful as she, while her tiny heart throbbed faster at the sight of him in all his gallant trappings, and she was very sure she had never seen anyone so handsome. [83]
Then came in the greatest excitement all the fairies and Brownies, for these latter little people when Florimel left them had followed close upon his heels to aid him if need be, since, in spite of mystic power that had temporarily passed with night, they were too brave to desert a comrade when danger threatened. ”

“ When they reached the great shaft where the mine-sprites were hard at work, Titania, Dame Drusilda, Violet, and Daffodil were released, and they looked around with wonder and surprise.
The mine-sprites cast furtive glances of curiosity at these [206] strange new faces that invited confidence, but so frightened were they when they saw their cruel master that they redoubled their efforts, and their fingers fairly flew as they dug them in the earth for precious stones.
“Poor little things!” was Queen Titania’s involuntary cry. “The work is too hard for them.” ”

“ A huge creature resembling an octopus, with great, staring eyes popping from his head, and hundreds of fuzzy tentacles protruding in all directions from his grotesque body, came crawling toward him. Straightway Dragonfel sprang up from the throne, while Wolfinger, Mandrake, Boundingbore, and Snoutpimple, who had assumed respectful positions at his sides, drew back in alarm. ”