Richard Head

“ She was so puzzled she knew not what to do; and not knowing how to remedy her self, she was resolved to play the perfect Woman, sit down and cry; which she did in that pitiful manner, that I admired how any mans heart could be so hard, not to exchange a few inconsiderable Diamonds for so many inestimable Pearls that dropt from her eyes. Every one stiffly denyed the unworthiness of the detention, and seemed somewhat displeased that their glowing gallantry should be suspected of an act so ungentile and unhandsom. ”

“ I Hope the Brains of your Beauty being boyl’d in the Kettle of Kindness with the Beef of Bounty, may at length prove a dish for my dyet, so that the Marrowbone of your Maidenhead being crack’d with the Chopping-knife of my Courage, may upon the Trencher of Truth declare how I love you; let not the minc’d meat of Modesty baked in the Oven of Hatred in the Crust of Coyness cause my Denial, lest the Dagger of Death being drenched in the Barrel of my Blood may with the Spiggot draw forth the Liquor of my Life. ”

“ This noise in our Chamber confirmed the justness of their fears throughout the house, only that of our Mulletters was of a different nature; for he believing his Masters (as he call’d us) were getting up to find what was the matter, endeavoured to get down the said way he got up, but groaping with his hands, met with the shattered flask on the top of the stairs, which tumbling down to the bottom, the noise of the fractur’d glass perfectly resembled the gingling of Chains. ”

“ Sir, Youth cannot look through those Spectacles which are useful to Age, nor can my inclination suit with your choice. I am now with him whom I love more than my self, nor can I esteem of that Gentleman of Catania whom you have selected for me, otherwise than the designed Murderer of my quiet. ”

“ If in the interim you want any thing, let me know it, and you shall be supplyed, and enjoy your self as freely, as if you were Empress of the whole World; and when you are discharged of your great belly, you shall not want a sum to make you a good portion for any honest man. Be not seen in the Town, and do not come to our house, but be ruled by your Guardian; and assure your self this, your Child shall be my Child, and what estate I have, or my Husband, shall be his: and so she took her leave of me, cramming my hand full of Jacobusses, as the earnest of a better penny. ”

“ I thank your good opinion, Sir, (said she) but I look upon her as unworthy to deserve the name of an owner, that either cannot, or durst not give what is in her possession; though you cannot give, Madam, yet you may so dispose of that beautious mirrour of your Sex, your Face, or what else you have, as that the frequent loan thereof, may be esteemed equal to the gift. She was quick of apprehension, and understood his drift, and though she answered him not, yet her smiles shewed a sufficient satisfaction to his amorous discourse, and her blushes bid him do if he durst. ”

“ The Gentleman was first commanded to stand and deliver, which he did, but it was a Pistol, which he discharged without any execution; they fired at him again; and wounding him in the sword arm, he dropt his sword, and whilst he was submitting to their disposal, his man sets spurs to his horse, and most valiantly ran for it; getting to the top of a little hill, not far distant, where turning his horse head, most manfully about, he had the confidence to look on, whilest the Thieves robb’d his Master. ”

“ Coming into the Ocean, I found my self possest with a new Spirit, and if there was ever any such thing as transmigration of Souls, certainly it was at that time, some new drown’d Sea-mans Soul hovering on the Deep, took up its habitation in my body, entring in at my mouth as I gap’d for breath, which the swiftness of the Ships sailing, and tossing of the Waves together, had almost totally deprived me of. ”

“ Women, whom I am confident might have ran the Race of their lives in the way of modesty and honesty, had they not been chafed or over heated at first by the ostentatious humour of their hot brained Bride-groome, striving to out-do himself, that he might purchase the esteem of being a lusty man excelling others in strength and vigour; but when the wife shall finde the satisfaction of her desires dis-continued, she will be apt to think her husband was too prodigal at first, and so became Natures Spend-thrift, and now thinks of no other thing than how she shall be supplyed by others. ”

“ I was as confident as any he or she here, that hanging was too ignominious a death for such a piece of Gallantry as I was, but assure your self Heaven has no respect of persons; the Sword of Justice spares no more the shining Gallant and huffing Bravo, than the meanest smutty Tinker ”

“ Sweet-heart, Though I never saw you before, I am not unacquainted with your affairs, and am much troubled, that so good a face should be so deluded, and grosly abused by any Promise-breaker of them all; but since what is past cannot be recalled, I shall endeavour to redress your misfortunes, after this manner; you shall lodge with a good old Gentlewoman, not far off, a friend of mine: but be sure you keep your self private ”

“ There are a certain sort of gentle and subtle Rooks whose outside speaks as much a Gentleman as most of the first magnitude. This Cunningham seldom plays in an Ordinary, yet will sit there a whole evening to the intent he may observe who winns, if considerable, and the winner seem Plyable, generous, and Bubbable, he will some way or other insinuate into his acquaintance by applauding his happy hand, congratulating his success &c. and then familiarly, yet civily prompt him to a glass of Wine that they may drink to the continuance of that good fortune. ”

“ This Rogue, who wanted nothing so much as Roping, or a good Cat of nine tailes, now escap’d with out either; there being no body in the whole house that had any mind to meddle with him; he was threatned by some, whilst others only laughed at him, and he went merrily about his business: and to conclude, much company coming that day to the house, and the particulars of the Adventure being told them, they sent for the boy and Hostler; and after several questions, and much laughter, they made them drink to one another, and become Friends. ”

“ Would it not mad you to have so strange a fortune, as with a very small Sum to run up to Eighteen hundred pounds, and loose it again with his small stock in less than three days? I knew one with Fifty Shillings, win Five hundred pounds of his own at one time in his life, and thereupon putting himself into a Garb not mis-becoming an Earl, played again, the Dice ran against him, lost every penny he had, or could borrow; hereupon he grew stark mad, and hang’d himself in his own Bed-cord. ”

“ A man I cannot but hate, for several weighty considerations. The crookedness of his disposition, and the unsuitableness of his humour to mine, were sufficient to make me not love him; but his insufferable wicked practises, both against me, and my Husband, make me absolutely detest the very sight of him. ”

“ We found the People generally acute, and quick-witted, very facetious, and of a jolly temper, which suited well with the Nature of the Countrey. For to be brief, this Island is not inferiour to any other, either for its fatness or abundance; exceeding Italy in the excellency of their Grain, Saffron, Honey, Beasts-skins, and other things either for Profit or pleasure, in so much that as it was call’d by Tully the Granary of the world, so Homer call’d it the Island of the Sun, and would have us believe all things grew there spontaneously of their own accord ”

“ Madam, in the discourse I shall make you, I shall be forced to discover not only my own secrets, but also those of another, the most eminent of this Town, and were it not to you, and onely to you, I should not do it for any consideration whatsoever, for it is the secrets of a woman of the best quality, and therefore you may be justly angry with me for so doing, but my respects, & indeed my love to you is so great, that I shall not stop at any obstacles to perform anything you require ”

“ Now I thought it highly requisite to put my self into a better garb, and invest my self with such ornaments as might become a Gentleman, which I intended to personate. I accommodated my self with a Sword, and did not forget Spurs to my new Boots. Being thus bravely equipt Cap a pee; I grew weary of this City, and so left it, and my Landlord to his better Fortune. ”

“ His Landlady (who was a Widow) seeing him in this condition, charg’d him home, asking, Where he had been, how he came thus to lose his skin? Whether he had been robb’d? Though wanting Garments, yet he would not be without a Cloak to hide this Venereal enterprize of his, and therefore replied, That falling into ill company, it was his ill hap to fall into that damn’d itch, that tickling humour of playing; that having won something, and like to win more, they would not let him play longer, but seizing him, stript him, and would have done, I know not what, had not his flight procured his safety. ”

“ My Reputation in this City increased daily, so that I was now at liberty to pick and choose my company, I mean from the middle sort of people, which I knew how to delude, whereas I was not so ignorant, but that men of better breeding and learning would by my discolouring, Sea-faring hands, and illiterate tongue find out the imposture of my crafty pretences. ”

“ A little before we sate down to dinner, I sent for my friend (that lay with me that night I acted my revenge) to participate in our good cheer; who coming, we sate down together, there being no other, than this disguised Gentleman, my Husband, my Self, and Friend. We did eat, and drink freely; about half dinner this Gentleman seemed to be very officious in helping me, at last, Madam, said he, I will help you to one bit more, which you shall not refuse for my sake ”

“ Sessions approaching I often meditated on the word, Hanging; but the word struck so heavy on my Imagination, that it rather benummed than anyways quickned the sence of punishment: Death I lookt on then with the ignorant and misjudging eyes of a childish understanding, fancying that it was but the meer privation of Life, and there is an end, and not the separation of Soul and Body for a while, till they be by the Infinity rejoyn’d, never to be separated again, either in endless Joys, or Eternal Woes. ”

“ I have a Wife and Children at Waymouth, although to gain my ends of you I pretended to have none; she is the most jealous woman in the world, and well she may, for she knows there is no woman in the Creation much more deform’d than her self, wherefore this I would have you to do that I may continue your company; you shall change your feminine habit for what is masculine, under which disguise you shall pass as a young man I have met with abroad, which for fancy’s sake I have chosen to be my Companion in my Travels. ”

“ They are things of prodigious strength, which is sufficiently manifested in the ruin of the strongest Man, and back-sliding of the wisest Man. I hardly know, or have heard of any whom they have not stagger’d, excepting Job, who firmly stood maugre the Devil, and his Wife.
In the faces of the common Traders by diligent search, you may find some Raggs of over-worn Beauty, like old Clothes in Brokers windows, to make you believe that there are better wares within; yet he that trades with them, is like to have a bad bargain, for she can sell him nothing but the Pox, or Repentance. ”

“ I was forthwith conducted to this house, which was intended for my lodging privately, where I was entertain’d, according to instruction, with much respect and gallantry; a Maid was there ready provided to attend me, and there was nothing wanting in my entertainment to make my life comfortable, and my looks cheerful. Here did I merrily pass my time away, being often visited by my old Hostess, daily puzzling each others invention, what we should have for Dinner; what recreation in the afternoon; what for Supper, and what divertisement afterwards ”

“ The first thing they did when they came to a Town, was to acquaint the Mayor thereof with their intent, producing their Patent which authoriz’d them. Having the grant of the Mayor, most commonly they were permitted the Town-Hall to play in. At first, commonly they had usually such great audiences, and got so much Money, that it undid them, for it made them insolent, idle, careless, always drunk and continually quarrelling, so that the Town and Countrey growing weary of them, their poverty also made them weary of the Town. ”

“ Lastly, hearing that you are clad, as if you were sent Embassadour from the Northern Witches to their Emperor the Devil, I thought fit to send you some Cloaths (in lieu of those Rings you left with my Husband) which are more sutable for humain conversation. But let me advise you, haunt me no more in them, lest I conjure you out of them again, and the Devil into you. Be wise, and have a care of being amorous, when pennyless. ”

“ Madam, you have promised to make me your Husband when it is in your power, and I believe it is in your thoughts that one day you may do it, for he who is your present Husband, appears to me and all the world to be half dead already ”

“ I see where your plot lies clearly, by undervaluing me and our Sex, you would put our friends out of conceit with us and others, that you might make a Monopoly of our Sex; be advised Sir, your Patent will not be worth the procuring, if we are so variable and wavering, as you would falsly make the world believe, you have Marshall’d up a fair company of Metaphors, that your wit might flutter in our disparagement. ”

“ Are all your former respects come to this? are your hot pretences grown so cold at home, that nothing can warm them, but a fire in another mans Chimney, made there at my expences? She would have proceeded, but that her clamorous tongue interrupted her, by raising one of Her Lodgers, who came down at that instant, to know what the matter was; when my Come-Rogue, not induring her rallery longer, rudely bid her, rather than gently desired her to go to bed ”