Richard Head

“ Women, whom I am confident might have ran the Race of their lives in the way of modesty and honesty, had they not been chafed or over heated at first by the ostentatious humour of their hot brained Bride-groome, striving to out-do himself, that he might purchase the esteem of being a lusty man excelling others in strength and vigour; but when the wife shall finde the satisfaction of her desires dis-continued, she will be apt to think her husband was too prodigal at first, and so became Natures Spend-thrift, and now thinks of no other thing than how she shall be supplyed by others. ”

“ If in the interim you want any thing, let me know it, and you shall be supplyed, and enjoy your self as freely, as if you were Empress of the whole World; and when you are discharged of your great belly, you shall not want a sum to make you a good portion for any honest man. Be not seen in the Town, and do not come to our house, but be ruled by your Guardian; and assure your self this, your Child shall be my Child, and what estate I have, or my Husband, shall be his: and so she took her leave of me, cramming my hand full of Jacobusses, as the earnest of a better penny. ”

“ I Hope the Brains of your Beauty being boyl’d in the Kettle of Kindness with the Beef of Bounty, may at length prove a dish for my dyet, so that the Marrowbone of your Maidenhead being crack’d with the Chopping-knife of my Courage, may upon the Trencher of Truth declare how I love you; let not the minc’d meat of Modesty baked in the Oven of Hatred in the Crust of Coyness cause my Denial, lest the Dagger of Death being drenched in the Barrel of my Blood may with the Spiggot draw forth the Liquor of my Life. ”

“ Are all your former respects come to this? are your hot pretences grown so cold at home, that nothing can warm them, but a fire in another mans Chimney, made there at my expences? She would have proceeded, but that her clamorous tongue interrupted her, by raising one of Her Lodgers, who came down at that instant, to know what the matter was; when my Come-Rogue, not induring her rallery longer, rudely bid her, rather than gently desired her to go to bed ”

“ I have a Wife and Children at Waymouth, although to gain my ends of you I pretended to have none; she is the most jealous woman in the world, and well she may, for she knows there is no woman in the Creation much more deform’d than her self, wherefore this I would have you to do that I may continue your company; you shall change your feminine habit for what is masculine, under which disguise you shall pass as a young man I have met with abroad, which for fancy’s sake I have chosen to be my Companion in my Travels. ”

“ Lastly, hearing that you are clad, as if you were sent Embassadour from the Northern Witches to their Emperor the Devil, I thought fit to send you some Cloaths (in lieu of those Rings you left with my Husband) which are more sutable for humain conversation. But let me advise you, haunt me no more in them, lest I conjure you out of them again, and the Devil into you. Be wise, and have a care of being amorous, when pennyless. ”

“ Madam, in the discourse I shall make you, I shall be forced to discover not only my own secrets, but also those of another, the most eminent of this Town, and were it not to you, and onely to you, I should not do it for any consideration whatsoever, for it is the secrets of a woman of the best quality, and therefore you may be justly angry with me for so doing, but my respects, & indeed my love to you is so great, that I shall not stop at any obstacles to perform anything you require ”

“ This Rogue, who wanted nothing so much as Roping, or a good Cat of nine tailes, now escap’d with out either; there being no body in the whole house that had any mind to meddle with him; he was threatned by some, whilst others only laughed at him, and he went merrily about his business: and to conclude, much company coming that day to the house, and the particulars of the Adventure being told them, they sent for the boy and Hostler; and after several questions, and much laughter, they made them drink to one another, and become Friends. ”

“ A little before we sate down to dinner, I sent for my friend (that lay with me that night I acted my revenge) to participate in our good cheer; who coming, we sate down together, there being no other, than this disguised Gentleman, my Husband, my Self, and Friend. We did eat, and drink freely; about half dinner this Gentleman seemed to be very officious in helping me, at last, Madam, said he, I will help you to one bit more, which you shall not refuse for my sake ”

“ Sweet-heart, Though I never saw you before, I am not unacquainted with your affairs, and am much troubled, that so good a face should be so deluded, and grosly abused by any Promise-breaker of them all; but since what is past cannot be recalled, I shall endeavour to redress your misfortunes, after this manner; you shall lodge with a good old Gentlewoman, not far off, a friend of mine: but be sure you keep your self private ”

“ Mother (for so, by the disparity of our Age, I make bold to call you) the account you give of your self is so monstrously wicked that I know not whether, with safety, I may interchange any further discourse with you; neither can I but take notice of your subtility, and matchless craftiness, as well as your unparallel’d debauchery, and wantonness; you may very well excuse me, if now I stand on my guard, and wearily entertain a parley with you; since you are known to be an old Souldier in the Wars of Venus, and so may fight too cunningly for me, that am but a stripling upon any such account. ”

“ I was forthwith conducted to this house, which was intended for my lodging privately, where I was entertain’d, according to instruction, with much respect and gallantry; a Maid was there ready provided to attend me, and there was nothing wanting in my entertainment to make my life comfortable, and my looks cheerful. Here did I merrily pass my time away, being often visited by my old Hostess, daily puzzling each others invention, what we should have for Dinner; what recreation in the afternoon; what for Supper, and what divertisement afterwards ”

“ In a little time they raised him on his feet (which made his former Doctor betake himself to his, having not been heard of by us since;) but they could not assure me how long it would be ere he would be down again; for (said they) he will be an infirm, impotent man, as long as he lives.
If now my hatred to my Husbands Brother be not justly grounded, do you judge; and I hope Heaven will not be offended with me, in finding out some way to disposses him of his hopes, in having the Estate, who rob’d me of my fruitfulness, and would have deprived my Husband of his life. ”

“ Justice that you are the persons; and my Master is resolved to prosecute you, for he hath lost as much Poultry this winter as is worth five pound, and now we have found you you shall pay for all. How! (said the Guest) surely you do not mean as you say; one body may be like another, and you may be mistaken; and besides, if it were so, that we were the Parties, you mean yet a great deal less than five Pound, which I hope will serve the turn for two hens and a goose, which you say is all you lost. ”

“ They were all frighted and confounded, not knowing where to put the man, or the victuals, they had but little time to consider: There was but one little Chamber adjoyning where the maid lay, and under her Bed at length they laid him, and the Meat, Drink, and all the Appurtenances were placed in a Closet in the Chamber: This being done, and the Woman sitting down by the fire, the Master who was impatient with calling and knocking, was let in, and coming up stairs, his Wife rises from her seat, and cryes out, Oh dear Husband! ”

“ I see now you are a meer Baby in our Sex, and ought to be whipt again into a better understanding. What, trust that Woman whom you have abused! Why, a Child of the first head, in the nonage of Amorous matters, in the Hanging sleeves of Courtship, knew this as a Maxime--that if Love, though never so fervent, be once by abuse converted into hatred, the woman is indefatigable in her revenge, till Death hath put an end to the Controversie. ”

“ Understanding her humour, I was resolved to comply with her in whatsoever she desired (being so profitable a friend to me) but I knew not how to displace her Sanguine complexion’d Gallant, who grew by this time a most passionate Lover; at length I bethought me to perswade him to sollicite her waiting Gentlewoman, making him believe that she was ardently in love with him, and that she had a good Sum by her, which would infallibly be at his devotion; my credulous young Gamester greedily swallowed my advice, and followed to a hair my dictations ”

“ Wellcome home, how glad am I to see you, especially in coming sooner than I expected. That is true, said the good man, I made haste and dispatched my Business, which being done, I took Horse and made all possible speed to come home to you, and indeed, I have rid full speed all this day; And very welcome you are, said she: But how come you to have so great a fire? said the Husband: Oh Love, said the Wife, I am troubled with the Belly-ake as passes, and I made this fire to warm Trenchers and clothes, to put to my Belly to ease me ”

“ God b’you (good Madam) you are bound to be constant now; dear Partner (pointing to me) farewell, I thank you for your procuration money, and so away they went; in less than half an hour the Gentlewoman had with her teeth set her hands at liberty, which soon gave my hands, feet, and tongue the like, and discending the stairs, we found the maids, and boy bound, and gagg’d; having loos’d them she whisper’d her boy in the ear, I knew not what, but it was to fetch a Constable, which he did in an instant ”

“ As mine Host, who was the Head and Chief of the House, had his tricks, so had the rest of the Family theirs, even the least in the House; for there was an unhappy boy, who was sometimes with the maid in the Kitchin, sometimes with the Tapster, attending Guests in their lodgings, and other times, with the Hostler and Horses in the Stable; this boy, though he was little was witty; and seeing that every one had their tricks, he cast about how he might have his, and have some profit in the Adventure; so that one day, mine Host being abroad, and the Tapster out of the way, he drew the drink ”

“ Several Companies were in the house and lodged there, and it being long nights, much of that tedious time was spent in Gaming, and higgedly piggedly one with another, all Companies mixt in that pastime; but it growing late, those that were weary and sleepy dropt away to bed: Among the rest, one man who had a very handsome woman to his Wife went to bed, and his Lodging was in a Chamber where there was another Bed; the man being in Bed, laid his wearing Clothes, viz., Doublet, Breeches and Cloak upon him, and putting out the candle went to sleep ”

“ I see where your plot lies clearly, by undervaluing me and our Sex, you would put our friends out of conceit with us and others, that you might make a Monopoly of our Sex; be advised Sir, your Patent will not be worth the procuring, if we are so variable and wavering, as you would falsly make the world believe, you have Marshall’d up a fair company of Metaphors, that your wit might flutter in our disparagement. ”

“ And now Sir, said I, you nor the rest of your friends must not entertain a jealousie that I participate and share with them in your Mistress’s affections; to be plain if 258your belief of that raise in you any anger or revenge, you will discover thereby your folly most egregiously; for can you expect a constancy from such, who know they cannot live, but by being inconstant; they are like such who are upon a trading Voyage, it is not one Port, but a great many that makes up their market; neither are they like some Merchants who particularly trade to one place, as to Guiney, Hambrough, &c. ”

“ One young Man and Maid living in a house where so much roguery was acted, must needs be well enough experienc’d to act their Parts, but they were so warily looked after by their Mother, that it was almost impossible to exercise their Talent at home, and the young man by reason of the danger of the War, and least he should be taken Prisoner and served as his Father was, was enforced to keep home and ramble but little, but his Sister less, not being permitted to go any way out of the Town. ”

“ The Goldsmith seeing himself caught, flustered and flounced like a mad man, and the Countrey-man pulling out a little Purse, told down twenty Pieces of Gold, & said, Here Shop-keeper, here’s your money; but I hope you will allow me eighteen pence a piece in exchange for my Gold. Tell not me of exchange, but give me my Ring, said the Goldsmith: It is mine, said the Countrey-man, for I have bought it and paid for it, and have witness of my Bargain. All this would not serve the Goldsmith’s turn, but he curs’d & swore that the Countrey-man came to cheat him, & his ring he would have ”

“ I am not insensible what variety you have already tyred (the more to blame me that imforced him;) and how many more you intend, may be sufficiently drawn from your unsatisfied humour, and inconstant nature. And now if you love your life, stir not till we are gone; and thank our lenity, that we have not secured you other-wayes. Taking up the money, every one carrying a part ”

“ Among others they met with a young Country-Gentleman, who had been unfortunate enough already, for he having had a quarrel about a mistress, and fighting with his Rival, had the Fortune, or Misfortune rather, to kill him; Divine vengeance seldom misses to pursue, and overtake those who are guilty of murther ”