Various

“ Beyond reading, writing, and arithmetic, I know next to nothing."
"That will not be an objection," returned the Senior Wrangler, as he put a gardenia in his button-hole. "Our highest class is composed of our oldest pupils, and as they all suffer from over-pressure, your duties will be simply those of an attendant in an asylum for the care of the imbecile!" ”

“ Undergraduate Society is, however, of an extraordinary tolerance, and if it had not been for his own manifest misery, he might have kept his head up in Cambridge even under these calamities. But he began too late to realise his own folly, and with the memory of his triumphs and his collapse, of his extravagance and his debts clogging his efforts, he tried to read. ”

“ But it is useless to pursue his career through every detail. He went on gambling, and soon found himself the debtor or the creditor of those whom he still attempted to look upon as his friends. He bought several thousand large cigars at £10 per hundred from a touting tobacconist, who promised him unlimited credit, and charged him a high rate of per-centage on the debt. He became constant in his visits to London, and, after a course of dinners at the Bristol, the Berkeley, and the Café Royal, he acquired, at Cambridge, the reputation of a connoisseur in cooking and in wine. ”

“ I hope to see the morning, and trust you will see the evening, of that time when the bold sun of freedom will shine over a land true to itself, as far as possible, and rejoicing in the name of the country without stain. ”

“ Palladino, as the dancing guest—she is always small and early in every Opera now—delights everyone, and so does Conductor Randegger, who is determined that poor little Zélie de Lussan shall not receive the big bouquets which a mysterious man has brought to the orchestra; then one of the instrumentalists handed them to the leader, who, in order to take them, has been compelled to put down his violin, and, after looking about in a helpless and puzzled manner, holds them until further orders from his chief. ”

“ Our seats of learning are within a stone's throw of town, and the callow nestlings who yesterday fluttered feebly over King's Parade or the High, may to-day attempt a bolder flight in Piccadilly and the Park. ”

“ His low voice, his deferential manner, his pained surprise at suggestion of wanting to do anything else but catch those whitebait with a line, take one's breath away. A wonderful man Chunnel-Tannel, but dangerous on this tack. Known him and fought him man and boy for twenty years; fear him most when in melting mood. ”

“ For as the public must have discovered long before this, if there is one person in the world who sets their interests above everything, and swerves neither to the right nor to the left in the effort to save them from the depredations of the pilfering gang of pig-jobbers and moon-calves who chatter on sporting matters, that person, I say it without offence, is me. ”

“ With a sack on one's back, and a bull on one's track, 'tisn't easy that counsel to follow.
My life's hardly worth an hour's "Purchase," if I'm overtaken by Taurus.
Such brutes didn't ought to be loose in the fields, to bore us, and score us, and gore us.
"Run! run!" Oh, ain't I running like winking? Reach the turnstile? I may just do it
But with its three wings—oh, confound the things!—I much doubt if I'll ever get through it! ”

“ Stout Ministerialists thinking more of Chunnel-Tannel's attitude on Irish Question than of probability of French invasion by proposed Tunnel; so they lustily cheer Hicks-Beach when he denounces scheme. Cry, "Oh! oh!" when Chunnel-Tannel makes crafty appeal for support of Irish Members, and go out in body to stop up the Tunnel.
J. S. Forbes watches scene from Strangers' Gallery. Lost in admiration of Chunnel-Tannel's meek mood.
Minister of Education.
"Why, Toby," he said, in his perturbation brushing his new curly-brimmed hat the wrong way, "he looks as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. ”

“ When the Russ had done ditto, the Yank had raised squeals
(How consistency's floored in the struggle for pelf!)
And Jonathan took a most high-handed course;
For greediness mostly falls back on brute force,
When parties go "bouncing" and "boning." ”

“ The simpler pleasures of Courts and Quads soon pall upon one who believes emphatically, that life has no further secrets when the age of twenty has been reached, and that an ingenuous modesty is incompatible with the exercise of manliness. ”

“ Nicholas, coming back after vain search for Heligoland on map of Ireland, lustily shouts, "No!" "No use arguing with these fellows, Toby," he says; "we must Put Them Down. Case seems a little mixed; don't quite follow argument. Rather wonder Arthur Balfour isn't in his place to explain it; at same time, haven't slightest doubt it's another Mitchelstown affair—another Middle Tipperary muddle. I shall watch to see which Lobby our Whips are filling, and march straight into it."
Thus Heligoland was saved, Nicholas and 149 others voting against Campbell, who led into the Lobby only 27 patriots. ”

“ Coghill serious young man; likes things to be doomed; encouraged by the prospect, becomes dangerously festive.
Member who moves Adjournment over Derby Day expected to be funny. Pam, who, when he was Minister, always did it, established fashion. Been followed in later days by Dick Power, and other eminent sportsmen. Elcho displayed paternal failing for undue length, but just managed to stop in time, not spoiling success of speech that greatly pleased House. Curious to note points of personal resemblance between the new Lord Elcho and the old. ”

“ TOPPING THE TRIPOS; Or, Something like a Score for the Sex.
[In the Cambridge Mathematical Tripos Miss P. G. Fawcett, of Newnham, daughter of the late Professor Fawcett, is declared to be "above the Senior Wrangler."]
Above the Senior Wrangler! Pheugh!
Where now are male reactionaries
Who flout the feminine, and pooh-pooh
Sweet Mathematic Megs and Maries?
Who says a girl is only fit
To be a dainty, dancing dangler?
Here's girlhood's prompt reply to it:
Miss Fawcett tops the Senior Wrangler! ”

“ In Vienna the other day, a Cabman was observed to claim more than his fare from an elderly lady, whom he afterwards abused violently in the choicest Austrian for refusing to comply with his demands. After all, the nature of Cabmen all over the world varies very little. Elderly Ladies too, are much the same. ”

“ I said, "is not generally supposed to cover grass, but there are generally exceptions." A baby in arms could have understood this. It meant, of course, that Sainfoin never lets the grass grow under his feet, and that on the exceptional occasion of the Derby Day, he would win the race. And he did win the race. We all know that; all, that is, except Mr. J.'s lot, who still seem to think that they know something about racing. ”

“ Seems to have passed best period of useful life there. Members quite prepared to hear that there it was the famous letter from Foreign Office found him when, by way of reproof of niggardliness of Department, he was obeying instructions that transferred him from Dresden to Constantinople by journeying on foot. Taking Heligoland en route, he found it a mere sandbank, an accumulation of molecules, whose existence was justified only by the opportunity of furnishing a scion of the British aristocracy with an annual salary as Governor. ”

“ Begin to wonder what Park and Castle would fetch, if I were to go and settle in Hebrides to escape mob.
Sunday.—Escorted by two regiments of mounted Volunteers to Church. Volunteers have great difficulty in securing a passage. Have to use butts of their muskets on more impulsive spectators. Curious that just at this point I should Remember Mitchelstown. Must try and get over the habit. Lessons as usual. Find a crushed primrose between the pages, evidently put there on purpose. Those villa-residents again! Surely Drew might inspect the lectern before service commences! ”

“ To put it as shortly as possible, the point is to discover the number and size of the mayonnaises of lobster consumed in the course of one evening in the district bounded on the east by Berkeley Square, and extending westward as far as Earl's Court. It is well-known that no lobster ever walked backwards. Taking this as the basis of our calculations and assuming that πn_1 is equal to the digestive apparatus of six hundred dowagers, we reach the surprising total of 932,1461⁄8 lobsters. No allowance is made for dressing or returned empties. ”

“ Bauermeistersinger very lively as Magdalena, and Madame Tavary a skittish young chit in the somewhat trying and rather thankless part of Eva. The tenor's song to her ought to be, "Eva, of thee I'm fondly dreaming," if Wagner had only thought of it. Opera too long; but Wagnerites don't complain, and certainly to-night they get their money's worth and something over, from 7.30 till past midnight. ”

“ Conductor Randegger, apparently unaware of what has been taking place behind his back, turns round abruptly to inquire why leader is taking a few bars' rest. Leading violinist exhibits bouquet, and appeals in dumb show to conductor. ”

“ That eminent Statesman only began with Heligoland; steamed later into the Pacific Seas, and moved reduction of salary of Deputy Commissioner of the Western Pacific. Wants Heligoland given up.
"Certainly not," said Nicholas Wood; "must take firm stand with these Separatists. Not quite sure in what part of Ireland Heligoland is situated. Sounds like Munster; must look it up on map. Meanwhile shall support Balfour."
Whilst Nicholas off in library, vainly looking over map of Ireland, Sage of Queen Anne's Gate backs up Campbell. Knows Heligoland intimately. ”

“ Pained, Tell him he needn't conduct service—any Welsh-speaking clergyman would do. Stephen replies that if he introduced Welsh service, "villa-residents would boycott the Cathedral altogether." Well, supposing they do? Stephen retorts that "I had better have an Irish service at once, and get Parnell up to read the Lessons." Something in the idea. Must think it over.
Saturday.—My usual holiday. Fifteen speeches. Park literally crammed. Excursionists, colliers, salt-miners, villa-residents, and Chester Liberals, all seem to find locality tremendously healthy. All enjoying themselves thoroughly. ”

“ A Serious Young Man.
Tuesday.—Question is, shall House adjourn over to-morrow, being Derby Day, or shall it forbear? Elcho says, "Yes." Wilfrid Lawson says, "No." House, upon consideration, agrees with Elcho, though by significantly small majority. For holiday, 160; against, 133. Coghill, who had vainly protested against adjournment, says majority not so wide as a church door, but 'twill serve. ”