Various

“ Why, silver goes down everyday, and commerce is dislocated,—absolutely dislocated. All we have to do is to——
Second W. I. M. (breaking in) . One moment! When you say gold has appreciated, you mean, of course, that the purchasing power of gold has increased—in other words, commodities are cheaper. Isn't that so?
First W. I. M. Yes. Well, what then?
Second W. I. M. What's your remedy? Do you think you can make things better by fixing a ratio between gold and silver? In the first place, you can't do it; they've got nothing to do with one another. ”

“ Then, if we are to take away the Professions, Commerce must follow—wholesale and retail. In one blow we keep out of the rooms nearly the entire community.
Still there are the Army, the Navy, and the Civil Service. But these are all more or less branches of the original class. They, like the Doctors, work for the public good. Without an Army and Navy and a Civil Service, how would the State exist? So they must go. And now we have very little left. We have lost the Doctors, the Clergy, the Lawyers, the Contributors to Fine Arts, the Merchants, the Traders, and the Servants of the Crown. ”

“ Barbe's study. He was now quiet, and only groaning softly as he reposed on the sofa; the fragments of furniture and the torn letters which covered the floor, proved, however, that the crisis had been severe, for a man who likes a quiet neighbourhood. ”

“ I suppose you'll want us to believe next that if we become bi-metallists, corn and everything else will go up in value?
First W. I. M. Of course it will. We've only got to get Germany and France, and the rest of them to come in, and the thing's as good as done. What I say is, adopt bi-metallism, and you relieve trade and agriculture, and everything else.
A. M. Do you mean we shall have to pay more for everything?
First W. I. M. No, of course not; I mean that the appreciation of gold is a calamity which we've got to get rid of. ”

“ I thought that stew looked satisfying; that's where it is, you see—a man can come here and get a thoroughly nutritious and filling meal for the trifling sum of fourpence—and yet you meet people who tell you Vegetarianism is a mere passing fad! It's a force that's making itself increasingly felt—you must be conscious of that yourself already? ”

“ MIXED NOTIONS. No. 1.—BI-METALLISM.
Scene—A Railway-carriage in a suburban morning train to London. There are four Passengers, two of whom are well-informed men, while the third is an inquirer, and the fourth an average man. They travel up to London together every morning by the same train. The two Well-informed Men and the Average Man are City men; the Inquirer is a young Solicitor. They have just finished reading their morning papers, and are now ready to impart or receive knowledge. ”

“ The Little One's Own Wonderland is a delightful realm, wherein the very little ones can wander with interest through coloured pictures and easy fairy tales. Among the coloured picture series, the Old Mother Hubbard of 1793, with its contrast, Old Mother Hubbard of To-day, is very amusing. ”

“ Always like to be near the stove, and out of the draught. (The prettiest Waitress approaches, and greets him with a sacerdotal sweetness, as one of the Faith, while to the Neophyte—whom she detects, at a glance, as still without the pale—she is severely tolerant.) ”

“ Now we must remember what is bad for the master must be equally bad for the man. So if a Doctor is excluded, a Chemist, an Undertaker, and a Grave-digger would also be kept away. A Lawyer would carry with him Judges, Magistrates, Clerks, and Law Stationers. ”

“ But authors masculine they are, the pair of them. Mr. W. S. Lilly is to be congratulated on his very taking title, The Great Enigma, and all classes of readers will be glad to be informed that it has nothing whatever to do with the Irish Question. If any reader expects to find the Great Enigma solved by the Lilly who toils and spins, then he must not be surprised if the author says to him in effect, "Davus sum, non Œdipus."
From A Diary of the Salisbury Parliament, by Mr. H. Lucy, anyone can quaff or sip, just as his thirst for Parliamentary knowledge may be feverish or moderate, but healthy. ”

“ How excited those young men do get, to be sure. I do like to hear them taking up such intellectual subjects, though. Now, my brothers talk of nothing but horses, and music-halls, and football, and things like that. ”

“ Write under sketch, "The old man had many a startling adventure in the silent land of eternal snow." Go on.
Pub. Here is, seemingly, a quarrel to the death, in the time of Charles the Second. Ball-room, with Cavaliers and their Ladies. Central group, a fight with swords. Can we do anything with it?
Auth. Why, certainly. Edwin excites the jealousy of Angelina's cousin Reginald. The latter calls out the former at a fancy-dress dance. Label it—"Captain de Courcy was too impatient to wait until the ball was over, but challenged his rival as the company were on the eve of going down to supper." ”

“ Others being unable to form a Cabinet, have formed one myself. Think it will hold together, but one never knows. So far we have had an overwhelming vote of confidence. Put it to the Members whether we might do what we pleased with the windows. ”

“ Label—"The misguided wretch paused for a moment while he examined one of the mile-stones." Anything further?
Pub. Only two. Which shall we have, a happy or a wretched ending?
Auth. Either you please. One's as easy as the other. What are they?
Pub. First a man dying in the prairie is threatened by a vulture.
Auth. Evidently Edwin. You see, we have already disposed of the wicked cousin. ”

“ First night at Covent Garden of new Opera, Irmengarda, by Chevalier, not Chevalier Coster, but Chevalier Emil Bach. In this plot the women of a besieged city are allowed to leave it, carrying whatever is most precious on their backs—but this one Bach can't carry Irmengarda, which is, however, not too, too precious, but is supportable. Sir Druriolanus Operaticus "gives a Back," and it's "Over!" First Act, while performing, is promising ”

“ Obviously a recollection of Edwin's schooldays. Label it—"Sometimes he would join the crowd, watching an exhibition of perambulating puppets." Anything else?
Pub. A man being thrown from his horse into a brook.
Auth. All right! Angelina first falls in love with Edwin when nursing him after an accident in the hunting-field. Label it—"His horse swerved, and Edwin was thrown with great violence into the water." Anything else?
Pub. A man with a dark lantern looking, I think, at a mile-stone. ”

“ Auth. The very thing. Edwin having lost all his money on the Stock Exchange, goes to Australia for more gold. Label—"The storm was terrific, and the Belgravia had much difficulty in weathering this gale of almost unprecedented violence". Next, please!
Pub. Why here are some sketches of Venice, St. Petersburg, China, and North Wales.
Auth. I can take them en bloc. Edwin and Angelina, before they return home, go upon a honeymoon. Work them all in. Anything else?
Pub. A man being shot by a company of French soldiers. ”

“ But at this moment, the train having drawn up at a station, an intruder gets into the carriage. He is severely frowned upon, and the conversation, thus checked, is not resumed.
Inquirer (getting out at terminus, to First W. I. M.) . I think I've got a pretty clear notion of Bi-metallism now, thanks to you.
First W. I. M. (modestly) . Oh, it's quite simple, if you only take the trouble to give your mind to it.
OUR "MISSING WORD COMPETITION."
Guaranteed exempt from any Treasury prosecution under 1st Jingo, B. IV. Cap (Fit) 1, sec (Pommery) '74. (Heading, "Wish you may get it.") ”

“ Vell, they may say vot they likes agin the County Council; I says they're jolly good fellers, and I'll drink their bloomin' 'ealth out o' that hartist cove's bob, ven I gets it. [Tunes up again.
[Pg 280]
AT A VEGETARIAN RESTAURANT.
Scene—"The Nebuchadnezzar's Head," in the City. Time—The luncheon hour. The interior, which is bright, and tastefully arranged, is crowded with the graminivorous of both sexes. Clerks of a literary turn devour "The Fortnightly" and porridge alternately, or discuss the comparative merits of modern writers. ”

“ And they do! Oh, I know the walley of peace and qvietness, and never moves hon hunder sixpence! (Looking up at the house.) But I know as there's a hartist covey lives 'ere. Notice-plate says, "Mister Tambour is hout." Valker! I know vot that means. I thinks as how he'll run to a shilling. ”

“ Jest vot they are arter 'tvould floor me to tell.
They're qvite a young body—not seving years old—
But they've spent a large fortin in silver and go-o-old.
Singing, Ills ve vill cure all on the Sosherlist lay. ”