W. C. Tuttle

“ It was Slim Pickins, who announced, “We’ve decided to stay here t’night, Henry.”
“You have? And why, if I may ask, Slim?”
“Yuh see,” explained Slim, “Oscar was drivin’, and he knocked the left front wheel off the buckboard against the sidewalk.”
They were barely asleep, when another knock sounded.
“Don’t bother lighting a lamp, Henry. The professor is gone,” came Doctor Bogart’s voice.
“You mean—he died already, Doc?” asked Henry huskily.
“No, I mean he pulled out. Opened a window in the bedroom and left it open. Took all his clothes.”
“My goodness, Doc! Why, the man must be out of his head!” ”

“ Judge took off a boot and examined his sore toes. It was very quiet down there. Finally Judge said:
“Henry, we’re two old fools! We ruin ourselves, trying to get in here to find the body of a dead man. Suppose we do find him—we can’t carry him out. Why, we will be lucky to get out ourselves.”
Henry sprawled on the rock, looking up at a circling buzzard, far up in the blue sky.
“Two old fools,” he said slowly. “That’s right, Judge. Fighting to keep a job, getting all busted up physically. This is a young man’s job, Judge. Maybe Pete Gonyer—who knows?” ”

“ It is very unfortunate that recent gold strikes have filled Tonto City to overflowing with some damnable riff-raff, which always drifts in with new gold strikes, like buzzards after a dead animal. Our once-peaceful pueblo of Tonto is filled with covetous folk, who work not, neither do they spin. And we, you and I, Judge, are the Keepers of the Peace—such as it is.”
“Keepers of the Peace,” repeated Judge. “I like that, sir. But that is not what the Clarion called us. Isn’t bad enough to read such damnable, scurrilous, infamous—er—”
“Enlightening,” suggested Henry calmly. ”

“ It is deplorable that a chuckleheaded nincompoop like James Wadsworth Longfellow Pelly can influence public opinion. He suggests that we resign at once. And damme, that Board of Commissioners agreed with him. In fact, they—well, were you going to say something?”
“No,” replied Henry calmly, “I merely opened my mouth for air.”
“Well, do you not resent the attitude of the three Commissioners, Henry? Are you a man or a mouse, sir?”
“Biology,” sighed Henry, “is in my favor; I have but two legs.” ”

“ We may come out alive, but without visible means of support. Henry, what on earth shall we do for a living?”
“Let us get out of Lobo Canyon with our lives, before we do too much worrying about the future, Judge.”
“You admit that it is hazardous?”
“Yes, I believe it has its dangers. Rocks do let loose and come down here, they say. Slim swears that he saw a rattler as long as a lariat and as big as a stove-pipe. Well, here is the trail into it, Judge. Just let the horse pick its own way, and we’ll be down there in a jiffy.” ”

“ It was after dark, when they arrived at Scorpion Bend. Frijole, Slim and Oscar were rather mellow, but Henry did not take a drink. He declared, “I am going to make this trip in safety, if it is the last thing I ever do.”
“Tha’s a good idea,” agreed Slim. “I admire any man who is wishful to get back alive.”
They ate supper, and Henry tried to get the boys to go up to the depot, but they didn’t want to go back too early.
“Man, when we go back,” said Frijole, “we don’t want nothin’ else on the grade.” ”

“ You know how I hate to ride a horse. Possibly we could use it for a trip to Scorpion Bend.”
“It might give Mr. Pelly an idea for a new editorial,” laughed Henry. “The Shame of Arizona on Yellow Wheels.”
“Anyway,” sighed Judge, “it is money wasted. Those prune-juicers at the JHC have no regard for property. I shudder to think what that buckboard will look like in a week.”
“Well,” said Henry soberly, “when I told Frijole what I had ordered, he said that he would protect it with his life. Frijole, I believe, likes nice things. Slim also has a feeling for art. ”

“ I ain’t got no relatives.
—Ben Todd.
“Violet La Verne?” queried Doctor Bogart.
“One of the King’s Castle damsels,” said Henry grimly. “You know her, Judge.”
“Why me?” asked Judge testily. “Everybody knows her.”
“So she staked Ben Todd,” muttered Henry.
“The will isn’t dated,” remarked the doctor.
“No, that is true, Doc—but, still, it is a will.”
“And Ben Todd was murdered,” pointed out Judge. “Just one more incentive for a Clarion editorial.”
“I read that last one,” said the doctor. “Something should be done to muzzle Mr. Pelly. We better get some help to move the body. ”

“ Professor Fossil didn’t. Henry said, “Loaded with jewelry ore from the Yellow Warrior, Frijole?”
“You knowed, Henry?”
“No—I merely guessed. What’d your version, Stickler?”
“I am not talkin’,” said Stickler sullenly.
“Pete Gonyer was the leader of the gang,” said Frijole. “That dad-blamed Jud Bailey confessed. He thinks he’s goin’ to die from a bullet in the arm. Where-at is yore horses, Henry?”
“About a mile from the other end of the canyon. You know where it makes a sharp right-hand turn? You do? Well, the horses are on the left-hand side, in a little thicket. But how―?” ”

“ Judging from appearances there was little wonder that the Scorpion Bend Clarion called these two men, plus Oscar Johnson, their jailer, the Shame of Arizona. Oscar was a giant Swede of tremendous strength, but low IQ.
When vaudeville waned and faded from American stages, Henry Harrison Conroy, like thousands of other vaudevillians, was out of work. An uncle, whom he had never heard about before, died in Wild Horse Valley, leaving Henry as sole owner of the JHC cattle ranch. ”

“ Stickler wanted protection—not a comedy trio.
The Three Partners and the Smoke Tree mine were not complaining vociferously. They had little high-grade stuff to steal, but they were concerned over the robbery of the Yellow Warrior payroll.
The Yellow Warrior syndicate had also purchased the King’s Castle Saloon, which was being operated by Mack Greer, a newcomer to Tonto City. Henry sighed over the changes in Tonto. He told Judge, “When a man complains about changes in his community, he must be getting old.” ”

“ Cork up that jug—we’re travelin’.”
“I dunno,” said Slim. “I’ve rode a lot of things in m’ life, but this’n has got em all beat. How are yuh, Oscar?”
“Viggly,” whispered Oscar.
They drove on. Frijole was chuckling, and Henry said, “What is so funny?”
“That buckboard,” choked the little cook. “We got a hind wheel and a front wheel on each end. No wonder Oscar feels viggly!”
“My goodness!” exclaimed Henry. “Hadn’t we better remedy that?”
“No. It can’t hurt anythin’—except their feelin’s. Keep goin’.” ”

“ Thomas Akers is a friend of James Wadsworth Longfellow Pelly, ye editor of ye Clarion.”
“In fact,” added Campbell, “Mr. Akers rents the Clarion building to Mr. Pelly.”
“Astoundingly simple,” snorted Judge. “Back-scratching!”
John Campbell laughed. “All you have to do now, Henry,” he said, “is to put a halt to all this high-grading and gold stealing in Wild Horse Valley. Personally, I don’t envy you the job.” ”

“ They heard Slim yelling to Henry to stay on the road, but paid no attention. At the foot of the grade they stopped for inspection. Slim said wearily, “I’m shore glad yuh stopped. Every time we tried to take a drink out of the jug—we can’t. Man, I never rode in anything as rough as this buckboard. Oscar’s very sick.”
“Ay am sea-sick,” gasped Oscar. “Some-t’ing is wrong vit us.”
The buckboard seemed intact, unmarked. Henry and Frijole lighted matches and looked things over. Slim asked, “What’s wrong with it, Frijole?” ”

“ We will never get out alive—unless somebody carries us out, Henry.”
“I hope we are alive—when carried,” remarked Henry soberly.
They started ahead, crawling through brush, over rocks, keeping alert for rattlers, which abounded in Lobo Canyon. Henry was so stiff and sore that it was difficult for him to keep going. They rested often, but were making fair progress. ”

“ That’s one awful tough spot. I’ve been there and I know. What’s to be done about ’em?”
“Our best bet,” said Frijole, “is for one of us to get a horse at the livery-stable, go out to the ranch and bring back enough rollin’-stock for all three of us. And make it quick. We’ll match coins—odd man goes.”
“You ve got a head on yuh,” said Slim soberly. “All right, get out yore money.”
Slim and Frijole’s coin showed heads—so Oscar went to get the horses at the ranch. It always worked—and Oscar never got wise to their scheme.
Slim and Frijole met James Wadsworth Longfellow Pelly on the street. ”

“ Henry, peering through the brush, saw a movement, caught a flash of color. He steadied the gun over the rock, holding it in both hands, and squeezed the trigger. The rattling report brought a yell of pain, and a general scurrying around in the brush. A man was cursing, and Henry heard him say:
“We’ve got to git out of here, I tell yuh! I’ve got some busted ribs. If the boys ain’t finished—we can’t help it.”
“Lettin’ two old fossils like that whip us,” complained the other man. “Pull yore shirt tight over them ribs, can’tcha?”
From far up the canyon came the rattling report of a gun. ”

“ Slim had a key to the office, and they located the supply. They were enjoying their third cupful, when Bob Stickler, manager of the Yellow Warrior, came into the office, looking for Henry.
“What was this about the accident on the grade last night?” he asked. “I’ve heard two or three versions.”
“What did yuh hear?” asked Frijole soberly. “We don’t want ours to be the same. Yuh see, we was there, and maybe we saw it all wrong.”
“Oh, I see—trying to make it sound funny, eh?”
“It wasn’t funny,” said Slim. “The Circle G team and wagon went into the canyon, along with Jud Bailey, who was drivin’. ”

“ He said aloud, “The man is as mad as a hatter—and I must humor him.” Then he donned the rest of his clothes and left the hotel.
It was about nine o’clock when Oscar, Slim and Frijole came down to breakfast. They were all limping, more or less. They found James Wadsworth Longfellow in the restaurant. He flinched, but did not speak. The three were subdued, having little to say. Doctor Bogart came in and asked them if they had seen Henry or Judge. He had been up to their room, but they were not in, nor were they at the sheriff’s office. ”

“ They are merely barking, not biting—as yet. As a matter of fact, Henry, this Mr. Thomas Akers, the gentleman from Scorpion Bend, has an axe to grind. He is stumping for his cousin, Pete Gonyer. If you can be induced to resign, or if he can talk the others into forcing you out of office for cause, he hopes to have Pete Gonyer appointed as sheriff of Wild Horse Valley. ”

“ It completed as queer a trio of peace officers as any county ever had. Men laughed and made fun of them, but, as a matter of fact, they had managed to keep crime at a rather low ebb in Wild Horse Valley, until now, when things were getting out of hand, due to an influx of rather unsavory characters, lured by new gold strikes.
Judge had barely settled in his chair, thumbing the pages of his old book, when John Campbell, the big, prosecuting attorney came in. Campbell had been present with the Commissioners, when Henry and his staff had been severely taken to task. ”

“ The cavalcade came into Tonto City, the stage almost an hour late, and drew up at Doctor Bogart’s house, where the wounded were unloaded. James Wadsworth Longfellow Pelly was there, trying to find out what on earth had happened.
“Did you,” he asked Akers, “hold that meeting and decide to remove Henry Conroy?”
Tom Akers looked bleakly at Pelly, but said nothing. This was no time to talk of resignations. He followed them to the jail with Stickler and the professor. Stickler said, “I’ll sue the county for false arrest, Conroy. You can’t prove anything against me.” ”

“ He’s a old sockdolager, with about twenty rattles. Bill finds him out in the weeds behind the little chicken house, and the first thing I know, here’s that big rattler, all cocked and primed, buzzin’ his tail, a-warnin’ Bill Shakespeare to stay back.
“I know that Bill don’t like that rattler, but he ain’t never been able to figure out jist how to whip the crippled crawler. I just says to m’self, ‘Bill, yo’re a goner this time, if yuh don’t back-track real pronto.’ But Bill don’t back-track. ”

“ Hm-m-m-m-m. I seem to remember something—”
“It is my opinion,” remarked Judge, “that if you have any urge of concentration, you might well try thinking of something that will clear up the local crime situation. ”