W. C. Tuttle

“ We hears some gosh-awful sounds coming up the stairs, and into the door comes Bill Thatcher. He’s got one of them Scotch wind-pipe instruments and it’s wailing like a lost soul. Behind him comes Frenchy Deschamps. Neither of ’em are in any shape to make music for anything except a dog-fight, but they flops down in their chairs at the front of the stage and acts like they meant business.
Scenery recovers his sawed-off shotgun and sets down on the corner of the stage, where he can watch them disgrunted husbands.
Me and Dirty follows Magpie to a place he’s got partitioned off for a dressing-room. ”

“ Mrs. Holt was all out of breath, and them women didn’t seem inclined to let her get any of it back. Magpie and Telescope comes out of the saloon and moves in close.
“I hopes to die!” gasps Mrs. Holt. “I hopes to die!”
“You’re got a cinch,” says Telescope. “We all have to.”
Them females gives Telescope one gosh-awful look, and then surrounds Mrs. Holt, who gasps out her story.
“She—she’s dancin’ for Testament and the judge—barefooted!”
“No!” declares five female voices at once.
“Yes! Her and the judge has a long talk and I heard ’em. She tells him that Piperock don’t appreciate art.” ”

“ I am the little jigger who is goin’ to lead Piperock to th’ promised land. I am the pelican which is goin’ to make Piperock a place of honor and glory and a social center. I has been throwed down by the best citizens, you know it? Puttin’ their personal feelin’s ahead of the best interests of the city, they has laid down upon their labors, willin’ to let poor old Piperock slumber and waller in the dust of decay; but the womin can see what it means to the city, and they’re firm as rocks. I have got one of the best dances yuh ever seen, gents. ”

“ Simpkins was down at Paradise, setting in Art Wheeler’s stage, when she got on, headed for Piperock.
Art got one look at her and then jackknifed his four horses in trying to turn around and go the wrong direction. Magpie Simpkins never took his eyes off her. Magpie’s old enough to know better, but he didn’t seem to. Art’s eyes don’t foller the road much, with the result that he runs a front wheel off Calamity grade and danged near sends us all to our final destination. ”

“ Now, we sheds the scales off our eyes and comes out of our shells into the dawn of a brighter day. Piperock entereth a reign of classical dancing, Ike.
“Miss Harrison is goin’ to elevate us, but we have to give her our able assistance. There seems to be a female sentiment against her here; but that’s plumb natural, bein’ as we’re in a rut and don’t know no better. Judge Steele and Testament Tilton has seen her dance. Them two are real progressive, Ike, and they sees the possibilities. ”

“ Magpie got in between us and took Dirty’s gun away from him.
“Killin’ ain’t expansion,” explains Magpie. “Piperock has entertained too many times in the interests of the undertaker. Piperock is so far behind the times that the seventeenth generation of Montana’s human race has started and finished and we’re still runnin’ the wrong way of the track.” ”

“ True poetry, Ike. The human form divine is the only thing capable of expressin’ these here e-motions.”
I takes out my gun and puts it beside my plate.
“Magpie, there’s a curse on you, and you might as well spill it all now. I’m not interested a danged bit, but any old time you starts out bobbin’ from flower to flower I knows what’s comin’. Spread your hand.”
Magpie smiles at me and then shoves back from the table.
“Ike, here’s where we jump fifty years ahead of Paradise and Curlew. We has hung to the old order of things too long. We has become moth-eaten and stale. Don’t yuh know we have?” ”

“ Round dances don’t go very good, ’cause there’s always some woman accusin’ her husband of huggin’ some other man’s wife⸺”
“I don’t mean civilized dances.”
“Neither do I,” agrees Magpie.
Then cometh “Muley” Bowles, “Chuck” Warner, “Telescope” Tolliver and Henry Peck, the four disgraces of the Cross J outfit. Muley, the poet, is too fat to work. Telescope, the tall thin tenor, is too proud to work. Chuck Warner wiggles his flexible ears, lies fluently to every one, and proves an alibi every time “Jay Bird” Whittaker, his boss, tries to make him work. ”

“ Appears that there’s a united conspiracy against the lady what come yesterday. They’ve gone to warn your wife, I reckon.”
“Love’s labor’s lost,” says Testament, sad-like. “She don’t need warnin’. Where is said lady?”
“Her and Judge Steele are holdin’ a conference over in Holt’s place. Yuh might go over and add your spiritual presence, Testament,” says Muley.
“I might,” nods Testament. “I’m sure ready and willin’ to pass spiritual advice. A man of spiritual knowledge is always needed.”
Testament’s last words were kinda faint, as he was hittin’ the trail to Holt’s front door. ”

“ I went to bed that night, leaving him setting on the steps, talking to himself about the gentle touch of a woman’s hand. I asked him if he remembered the one what “touched” him in Great Falls. There wasn’t anything gentle about that one, being as she took his watch and three hundred dollars. ”

“ You left hereabout the time that all the married womin are faunchin’ around, organizin’ a vigilance committee to hang their own husbands, didn’t yuh? Well, Wick and Pete and Old Testament and Art Wheeler and Judge Steele decides that Piperock and posterity needs ’em more than jealous wives do, so they up and orates that for th’ interests of the furtherance of Piperock they’re goin’ to stick to their original idea of learning the latest thing in dances. ”

“ I always knowed you was kinda sweet on Ike Harper.”
“On that!” She actually yelped, and pointed her finger at me. “Sweet on him?”
I gets to my feet, but my legs ain’t very strong. I says:
“Lemme a-alone. I don’t want no man’s wife’s love—especially one what hauls me home by the ankle. When I git married I want a clingin’ vine—not a pile driver.”
I never did have much sense. A feller in my condition ought to keep his mouth shut and sneak away soft-like. ”

“ You’ve got a pretty fair spread yourself. If the lady don’t do that kinda dances it’s her lookout, ain’t it? Yuh don’t need to whoop about it. I noticed yuh down at Silver Bend at the circus⸺”
“Now have a little sense,” advises Magpie. “You pelicans are too danged anxious to show off before the lady. You fellers spillin’ lead up and down the street ain’t gettin’ her a place to lay her head, is it?”
“If she only wants to lay her head—” begins Chuck; but Muley steps on Chuck’s ankle and shoves him aside. ”

“ Holt to take care of her and see that none of the men came near her. Chuck was showin’ her some Injun dances, and it was a good chance to get even with him for lyin’ all the time. Mrs. Holt was willin’ to take her in, bein’ as she was to marry Chuck.
“Testament has talked Mrs. Holt into keepin’ her until this here church benefit is over. It’s goin’ to be a e-leet affair, I’ll tell a man. Nothin’ like it has ever been thought about before, Ike. This is one time when Piperock shines as a social center and abolishes her rough career.” ”

“ Smith; and then she gets assisted by the five ‘Raindrops,’ consistin’ of Mrs. Holt, Mrs. Tilton, Mrs. Steele, Mrs. Gonyer and Mrs. Wheeler. Mrs. Smith is doin’ the solo in place of the departed champeen dancer of the world. Will yuh do this for me, Ike?”
“Do it for Magpie,” urges Dirty. “Do anythin’ to get it over.”
I went on to the stage, and I got the shock of my life. Them females are out there, and I’m a danged liar if they ain’t undressed about as much as possible. I takes one look and staggers for the curtain. I hears one of them women bust out in a “haw! haw!” ”

“ Scattered around the range is a occasional female, but nothing that you’d bet your money on in a beauty contest. Annie Schmidt is cooking for the Triangle outfit, but the same don’t seem to cause any of the other ranches to go short of help. ”