W. C. Tuttle

“ Alcibiades has edged over close and when Yuma holds up the sack, he just reaches over, wraps his trunk around it and yanks it away. Alcibiades begins swinging that sack back and forth, playful-like.
“Look out!” yelps Magpie. “He’s going to throw it at somebody!”
Wick was wise enough to gallop straight away, but Yuma and Big-Foot seemed to think that height was salvation. They bounces straight for Cleopatra’s cage, being as that’s the highest thing at hand, and they begins to claw their way right up the bars. ”

“ Magpie rolls a smoke and loops one long leg around the horn of his saddle. When Magpie appears to get confidential I feels that life is but a fleeting flower.
“Ike, me and you has scrabbled mighty hard for existence, ain’t we? We’ve punched cows for forty a month, prospected everywhere and found nothing much, and we run the sheriff’s office with a gun in one hand and our life in the other, ain’t we? What have we got? I asks you as man to man, what have we got?”
“We’ve got between five and six hundred dollars in the Silver Bend bank,” I replies. ”

“ Magpie Simpkins, Ike Harper et al.: We, the sober and industrious citizens of Piperock, has gathered in serious conclave this day and date and has adjudicated that we will not have the glorious morrow sullied or marred by a circus or circuses.
“In the name of the parties responsible for Old Home Week, I hereby delivers this here ultimatum: Get your danged circus hence! We are not empowered to arrest you and have no jail to lock you in if we were, but we still got ropes and willing hands. We’ve got enough to cope with tomorrow without dry nursing denizens of the jungles. ”

“ The crowd splits to let us out and just as we gets out of the door somebody yells.
I whirled and looked back. From the saddle-horn runs a rope back into the saloon and she sure is pulled tight. Somebody slaps the bronc and Cleopatra came among us. I reckon she must ’a’ been behind the bar. She came out of the door, ducked behind the crowd like a flash and the next second about thirty citizens of Cowland are tangled with our tiger.
I slipped the rope off the horn and let nature take her course while I took mine—around back to the remnants of our circus. Bosco is there. ”

“ Doughgod and Old Testament got up just in time to trail the others and lead that yelping bunch of mongrels away from us. Then we flops, weary-like, down upon our canvas again. Magpie slips his gun loose and shoots the head off that snake, which is hunting for a place to hive up under our tents.
“Five hundred and eighty dollars, Magpie,” says I. “She’s going fast.”
“Yes,” he admits, “she’s fading out, Ike. The Simpkins’ Stupendous Shows is about scattered. Nothing left but a snake-eater and a elephant. Sorry you missed your meal, Bosco.” ”

“ What do you mean, feller?”
“I’m running this celebration.” Scenery pats himself on the chest. “Me and Judge Steele inaugurates same and we has the say-so. Sabe? We adjudicates against anything that ain’t our own doings. In the first place, you ain’t got nothing that attracts us, and in the second place, as the sheriff, I rules against what you have got. You can’t show in the city of Piperock while——”
I saw Alcibiades working closer and closer to Scenery, but I didn’t think it was any business of mine to warn the law. It was nice team-work between Alcibiades and Cleopatra, if anybody asks you. ”

“ They halts fifty yards away.
“We come more in sorrow than in anger,” states the judge. “Sorry we didn’t kill you fellers early this morning. Which of you deplorable jassacks is the tiger-trainer?”
“I wash my hands of the tiger,” replies Magpie “I may have Yuma arrested for stealing it but that’s all.”
“It’s in the saloon,” says Yuma, bowing apologetic-like. “Buck is in there and so is Old Testament, and we ain’t heard from them for quite a while.”
“Half-Mile’s bronc is in there, too,” adds the judge. “Half-Mile roped it and then fell off his bronc as it went into the door.” ”

“ Me and Magpie gets our breath and sets there looking at each other, when here comes Judge Steele, Pete Gonyer, Art Miller, Doughgod Smith and Old Testament. They groups near us and the judge clears his throat. ”

“ The old pelican is full of enthusiasm mixed with a certain percentage of alcohol and he welcomes us home again.
“You gents sure came back for the crowning e-vent of our lives,” says he. “We welcome you home and likely we can use you.”
“Use Magpie,” says I. “I’m out of order.”
“Huh!” snorts the judge. “Ornery as ever, eh, Ike? You ain’t got as much civic pride as a cat!”
“Maybe not,” says I, “and I’ve got eight less lives. I may die when my time comes but I ain’t rushing the e-vent. Piperock is always starting something that they can’t finish without bloodshed and horror.” ”

“ For you who ain’t never heard of Piperock, I’ll say this much: Piperock was the place the feller was thinking about when he wrote “Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Piperock looks like a siesta settlement, but she sure is deceiving. Few folks ever get killed in the town. The good old village usually invigorates ’em to a mile-a-minute clip, and we makes it a point never to shoot anybody in the back.
She ain’t the birthplace of nobody, and nothing much except horse-thieves are buried there. When it comes to law and order, we’ve got old Judge Steele. ”

“ Magpie drove the team, which hauled dogs, monkeys, tent-poles and so forth. Then came Bosco on Alcibiades, leading Allah, and behind them cometh Ike Harper driving four calico ponies hitched to a tiger’s cage, inside of which Cleopatra yowled and complained against alkali, rheumatism and lack of sleep. We led our broncs and left ’em at our own shack as we came past.
We pulled around behind the city, unhitched, unloaded and then laid down on a part of the Pearl of Egypt’s tent and went to sleep. When we wakes up we observes Scenery Sims looking over our outfit. ”

“ Ha! Ha! Ha! I love ’em. I’m sorry I haven’t any left, gents, but I ate the last one day before yesterday. I suppose I’ve got to go back to eating ordinary food.”
“Rise up and cheer!” says Yuma joyful-like, holding up the sack. “You sure get banqueted, feller. In this sack is a ol’ diamond-back with sixteen rattles and a button. Fat as a fool and you gets him free gratis for nothing.”
“A-a-a-alive?” gasps Bosco.
“Betcha! Ain’t even bruised nor shy a button. Me and Big-Foot caught him under the sidewalk. He’s a humdinger. We’ll watch you eat him.”
“Wait!” yelps Magpie. ”

“ Always our inhabitants has to go to Silver Bend to see the sights, such as a circus or a opery. If we can advertise Piperock sufficient-like we can get said attractions and keep our money and young men to home. You was pretty good as a ordinary sheriff, Magpie, but you ain’t got the get-up that our new sheriff has. Me and him got together on this and we deserves a lot of credit.”
“You’re welcome, judge,” says I, “and all that goes with it.”
Just then here comes old “Jay-Bird” Whittaker, who owns the Cross J cow outfit and two-thirds of the banks in Yaller Rock county. ”

“ Next thing we know, Ike, these snake-hunters will be carrying autygraph albums and wish us to write—
If you love me as I love you
No knife can cut our love in two.
“And the bunk-house walls will be decorated with ‘Let Us Love Each Other’ mottoes. I wouldn’t be surprized to see ‘Hassayampa’ Harris kissing ‘Doughgod’ Smith.”
“That’s a fact,” I agrees. “She sure is a sweet-cider atmosphere. Next thing ye know they’ll be decorating horse-thieves’ graves. Do I seem to hear joy bells ringing, Magpie?” ”

“ Why?”
“That’s a —— of a question to ask,” says Bosco, and we watches him blend into the mesquite, going away from Piperock.
“That must ’a’ been Scenery on the elephant,” says Magpie awed-like. “Scenery must ’a’ lost his clothes in the crash.”
“Speculation has ruined a lot of men,” says I. “Why stop to speculate?”
We saddled our broncs and we didn’t hit the main road until we’re in shooting distance of Paradise. Then we turns a corner and runs slap into Jay-Bird and Hassayampa. They’re packing just enough to feel glad. They hands us a bottle. ”

“ Scenery has decreed that this circus ain’t going to show here, and I represents his feelings.”
“No circus, eh?” says Hip-Shot. “I pines for a circus. How about you fellers?”
“Like a calf for its maw,” agrees Slow-Elk. “I ain’t never seen no circurious, Hip-Shot, but since you spoke I’ve begun to hanker awful for one. Let’s have one.”
“It must be so,” nods Hip-Shot. “We’ll have her.”
“You might talk to the sheriff,” says the judge.
“Talk ——!” grunts Hip-Shot. “Come on, Slow-Elk.” ”

“ Eats snakes.”
“I could love you, feller,” says Ace-High, “love you for being flesh and blood. Danged if I didn’t think my sins had began to react upon me.”
“Feeling so good I ain’t got the heart to chide you,” says Tombstone, “but if I was you—well, this is a he-man’s town, Bosco, and all that, but we’ve still got some of the finer feelings left, so I’d advise you to get some pants.”
When Slow-Elk and Hip-Shot shows up again, Hip-Shot bows low to us.
“Proceed with your circus,” says he. “All is well and good.”
“You saw Scenery?” asks Magpie joyful-like. “What’d he say?” ”

“ Nope, he ain’t drunk yet, Ike.”
Magpie was counting the clangs of a bell. Dirty Shirt uses that bell as a barometer. It hangs on the corner of the Mint Hall, about sixty yards from the door of Buck’s place, and the bell is a little bigger than a cow-bell. Any time Dirty misses one out of three shots with his Colt he’s drunk enough to quit. As long as he can ring her three times in a row he keeps on until he can’t.
Me and Magpie don’t no more than get settled when here comes old Judge Steele. ”

“ Just then cometh Tombstone, Ace-High, Slow-Elk and Hip-Shot. They stops and considers Alcibiades and then wanders over to us.
“That ultimatum ain’t hardly square, judge,” complains Magpie. “Me and Ike has expended a enormous amount of time and capital on this stupendous aggregation of wonders and we’ve done it all that you might have a enjoyable day. It has cost us a e-normous amount of wasted energy, and in the event that we can’t exhibit here we are broke, busted and worn to the bone.” ”

“ We ain’t done nothing wrong in selling out. Believe me, that money sure looked good. I wondered if Hassayampa and Jay-Bird had gone crazy, but Magpie said if they hadn’t they soon would.
We got into Silver Bend after dark and hived up in a hotel. We’re so sore and tired that we don’t wake up until noon. Magpie opines that we better draw our money and go over to Powder River for a spell, so we pilgrimed down to the bank. ”

“ I managed to get a suit of flannels out of my eyes in time to see our animated vehicle pointing straight for the door of our horse stable. The door is too narrow for elephants, being as we only had horses in mind when we built it, and I starts to yell a warning but the flannels came back and shut me up. ”

“ The judge ain’t partial to Jay-Bird, so he lopes off down-town.
Jay-Bird gets off his bronc and sets down with us.
“Look upon me,” says he sad-like. “Take a good look. Good! Do I look changed? Do I look haggard around the gills? Yeah? I deserve to—gol dingle danged if I don’t! Me and ‘Chuck’ Warner went to Silver Bend to see the sights. Sabe? ”