W. Somerset Maugham

“ My dear!
Barlow.
I am not in the least surprised.
Penelope.
Uncle Davenport!
Barlow.
I have expected it all along. You will remember, Isabel, that I was against the marriage from the beginning. I said, one doesn’t marry a doctor. One sometimes meets them in society when they’ve had their angles rubbed off a little and perhaps have been knighted, but one never meets their wives. ”

“ My dear Charles, they’re the same thing.
Penelope.
If you think you can make me forgive Dickie by telling me that you were a wicked old thing yourself in your youth, I may as well tell you at once that it won’t wash.
Mrs. Golightly.
[Outraged.] What are you talking about, my dear?
Penelope.
Well, I’ve noticed that when a woman discovers that her husband has been unfaithful, her male relations invariably try to console her by telling her how shockingly they’ve treated their own wives. ”

“ My dear Charles, if you’re going to discuss life I think there’s no need for me to stay. I’ve told you for twenty years that you’re a scholar and a recluse. I have lived in the world, and I’m a practical man. If Penelope wants to consult me, I am at her service; if not....
Penelope.
Hold your tongue, Uncle Davenport.
Barlow.
Really, Penelope.
Golightly.
During the last five years I’ve seen you adding two and two together and making them about seventy-nine.
Mrs. Golightly.
I don’t know what you’re talking about, Charles. Dickie’s behaviour is abominable, and there are no excuses for him. ”

“ Penelope.
Are you doing anything to-night?
Mrs. Fergusson.
Oh, no! I live very quietly. There’s nothing that I enjoy more than an evening all by myself, with a book.
Penelope.
You used to be so fond of going out.
Mrs. Fergusson.
I know that my husband prefers me to remain at home. And when I think of him bravely serving his country in a foreign land I have no heart for gaiety.
Penelope.
What a charming nature you have.
Mrs. Fergusson.
[To Dickie.] My husband’s in a man-of-war. He’s stationed at Malta, you know. It’s so dreadful that my health forces me to remain in England.
Penelope. ”

“ My dear Davenport, do go on with your story.
Barlow.
Well, it appears that the Archduchess Anastasia has signified her desire to know Penelope. Very charming and graceful action on her part, and just like her. Of course she’s extremely grateful to Dickie for all he’s done. He’s worked a miraculous cure, and I daresay she’s heard that Penelope is my niece. It’s a maxim you can always go on: royalty knows everything. And the long and the short of it is that she’s coming to lunch here. Of course Penelope knows nothing about these matters, and in a state of great excitement she’s sent for me. ”

“ Penelope.
And do you mean to say that justifies him in philandering with Ada Fergusson?
Golightly.
It excuses him.
Penelope.
What beasts men must be!
Golightly.
No; but strange as it may seem to you, they’re human beings. When you were a child you doted on strawberry ices.
Penelope.
I dote on them still.
Golightly.
Would you like to eat strawberry ice for breakfast, lunch, tea, and dinner every day for a month?
Penelope.
Good heavens! the thought fills me with horror.
Golightly.
Poor Dickie has lived on strawberry ice for five years. It’s been his only means of sustenance.
Penelope. ”

“ Dickie.
I always think I have a knack of making myself pleasant under difficulties.
[He drinks a glass of sherry to give himself courage.
Dickie.
Look here, I’ve got something to tell you that I’m afraid you won’t very much like. I daresay you’ll think me an awful brute, but I’m bound to say it. [Mrs. Fergusson does not answer, and after a moment’s pause he goes on.] The fact is, I’m not built the proper way for intrigue. All these lies make me awfully uncomfortable. I don’t like to think I’m treating Penelope badly. ”

“ Penelope.
Nothing’s happened. I can’t make out why Dickie’s so cross.
Dickie.
[Indignantly.] Nothing!
Penelope.
I didn’t mean to say anything about it, but Dickie found out that we knew all about his little love affair.
Golightly.
My dear, how tactless of you! A man likes to keep those things from his wife.
Dickie.
And d’you know the attitude Penelope takes up?
Golightly.
She hasn’t been making a scene?
Dickie.
That’s just it. Any woman of feeling would make a scene. There must be something radically wrong about her, or she would have wept and stamped and torn her hair. ”

“ Dickie.
I’ll just write you out a prescription, shall I?
Patient.
Oh, it’s too good of you. I’m afraid I’m giving you so much trouble.
Dickie.
Not at all. Now what would you like me to give you?
Patient.
[Dreadfully embarrassed.] Oh, whatever you like, please. It’s too good of you.
Dickie.
You know, there’s not much the matter with you.
Patient.
Oh, I’m so sorry. I really, really....
Dickie.
I should have thought you’d be rather pleased.
Patient.
[Apologetically.] Yes, of course, I’m very much pleased. I didn’t mean that. I’ve taken up so much of your time. ”

“ Penelope.
[Impatiently.] It’s easy enough to give advice. You’ve only got to sit still and watch. I’ve got to do things. And the worst of it is that doing things means doing nothing.
Golightly.
My dear.
Penelope.
Now, father, don’t look as if you didn’t understand or I shall throw something at your head. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could be up and doing, but I just have to sit still and keep my temper. You don’t know what I’ve suffered this month with a smiling face. I’ve laughed while my heart ached. I’ve chaffed Dickie when I’ve known he was just going to meet Ada Fergusson. ”

“ Because you and Dickie are man and woman, my dear.
Penelope.
[With a flash of her old spirit.] But my friends have husbands, and they don’t philander with every pretty woman they meet.
Golightly.
Scylla and Charybdis. The price they pay is satiety. Would you rather have the placid indifference of nine couples out of ten, or at the cost of a little trouble and a little common sense keep Dickie loving you passionately to the end of his days? ”

“ Do telephone to her that you can’t come. You’ll find a telephone in my sitting-room.
Barlow.
[Shrugging his shoulders.] I’m too indulgent. People don’t rate me at my proper value.
[He goes out.
Penelope.
Papa, say you’ll get Dickie back for me. I want him. I want him.
Golightly.
My dear, it’s very simple. It merely requires a great deal of tact, a great deal of courage, and a great deal of self-control.
Penelope.
[Ironically.] Nothing else?
Golightly.
A good deal. You must never let yourself out of hand; you must keep guard on your tongue and your eyes and your smiles—and your temper. ”

“ Dickie was lamenting that times were very bad.
Dickie.
What can you expect with this beastly weather! Fine, dry, cold day after day. We haven’t had a fog this autumn. It doesn’t give one a chance. Of course everybody keeps well. Times are getting worse and worse. Everybody has decent drains now. An officious Government gives people pure water. If it weren’t for patent medicines and the malade imaginaire half the doctors in London would starve.
Penelope.
Never mind, Dickie. There may be a motor accident just outside our front door one of these days. ”

“ Penelope.
And there you are, you see.
Barlow.
[Chuckling.] I think it’s a capital idea. And she just flung the words six and eightpence at you, Beadsworth, and knew she’d fetch the lawyer.
Penelope.
[To Beadsworth.] You’re not cross with me, are you?
[He shakes his head, smiling.
Barlow.
And now, my dear, that you’ve disposed of them, tell me all about the Archduchess Anastasia.
Penelope.
[Looking at him blankly.] The Archduchess Anastasia? But I invented her.
Barlow.
What d’you mean, you invented her? I know her well, I’ve known her for years. I know her whole family.
Penelope. ”

“ Barlow.
[Pompously.] But who is Ada Fergusson? I’ve never heard of her.
Penelope.
Ada Fergusson’s a great friend of mine. And I hate her. I always knew she was a cat. For the last four weeks Dickie’s been spending every afternoon with her from four till seven.
Golightly.
[Raising his eyebrows.] But do you always ask your husband where he’s been when he comes in?
Penelope.
[Impatiently.] My dear papa, what has that got to do with it? We all know that you’re an old dear, and the greatest mathematician in the world, but you know nothing about life at all. ”

“ A wise woman never lets her husband be quite, quite sure of her. The moment he is— [with a shrug of the shoulders] —Cupid puts on a top-hat and becomes a churchwarden.
Penelope.
[Huskily.] D’you think it’s worth all that?
Golightly.
That is a question only you can answer.
Penelope.
I suppose you mean it depends on how much I love Dickie. [A pause. Tremulously.] I love him with all my heart, and if I can keep his love everything is worth while. [She rests her face on her hands, and looks straight in front of her. Her voice is filled with tears.] ”

“ She never keeps you when you want to get away. She never insists on knowing all your movements. And when you leave her she never asks that fatal, fiendish question, at what time will you be back?
Barlow.
Well, my boy, if my wife were as indifferent to me as that, I should ask myself who the other feller was.
Dickie.
What the dickens do you mean by that?
Barlow.
My dear Dickie, it’s woman’s nature to be exacting. If she’s in love with you she’s always a nuisance, and a very charming nuisance too, to my mind. I like it.
Dickie.
You are not suggesting that Penelope.... ”

“ On the other hand, I’ve never taken little jaunts to Paris without you, my dear.
Mrs. Golightly.
Some women are so lucky in their husbands.
[Meanwhile the girls have been taking hats out, and Penelope puts one on. She is perfectly delighted.
Penelope.
Oh, isn’t this a dream? [Looking at the other.] Oh! oh! Did you ever see anything so lovely? Dickie, you are a dear. I’m so glad you’re going to Paris.
Dickie.
[Furiously.] I’m not going to Paris.
Penelope.
What!
Dickie.
Take all these hats away.
Penelope.
But Mrs. Mack?
Dickie.
Mrs. Mack can go to the devil. ”

“ But don’t you see that if I’m preventing you from going, it’s because I can’t bear to let you out of my sight? I want you. I want you always by me. I want you to love me.... Oh, if you only knew how much I love you, you wouldn’t be so heartless. ”

“ Barlow.
But, my dear Dickie....
Dickie.
Lie down on that sofa. Now don’t make a fuss about it. I’m not going to kill you. [Barlow lies down.] Put your knees up.
Barlow.
[As Dickie feels his liver.] She’s a fine, dashing woman. There’s no doubt about that.
Dickie.
Let yourself go quite loose. Who’s a fine, dashing woman? ”

“ PENELOPE THE FIRST ACT
Scene: A drawing-room in O’Farrell’s house in John Street. It is very prettily but not extravagantly furnished. The O’Farrells are a young married couple of modest income.
It is between six and seven in the evening.
Peyton, a neat parlour-maid, opens the door and shows in Mr. Davenport Barlow.
Barlow is a short, self-important person of middle age. He is very bald, red in the face, and wears a small, neatly curled moustache; he is dressed in the height of fashion. His manner is fussy and pompous. He comes forward as though he expected to find some one in the room. ”

“ Penelope.
And the curious thing is that she always has an operation when there’s a race meeting. She had an operation for the Duke of York’s Stakes at Kempton; and she had another operation for the Cesarewitch, and a third for Sandown.
Golightly.
How very singular.
Penelope.
It is till you know that Ada Fergusson adores racing. And the thing that makes me so furious is that I’m quite certain Dickie puts on her money for her; and when her horse wins she pockets the profits, and when it loses she doesn’t pay her stake. ”

“ I shall never respect myself again.
Penelope.
Dry your tears, dear. Uncle Davenport has just come, and he wants to know if it’s respectable to ask you to lunch with him alone.
Mrs. Fergusson.
[With a suspicion of her old manner.] He’s so sympathetic. I’d like to have a heart-to-heart talk with him.
Penelope.
You’ll find the Carlton a most suitable place. ”

“ O’Farrell’s consulting-room. It is a comfortably furnished room, with engravings on the walls, photographs in silver frames, and flowers on the chimney-piece. There is a large desk on one side, with papers on it, books, and a reading-lamp. There is a revolving-chair for Dickie to sit in, and a chair on the other side of the desk for the patient. On a side table are a microscope, a stand for test tubes, one or two medicine bottles, a row of large bottles containing chemicals, and an electric lamp. There is a sofa without arms for patients to lie upon, and there are two or three chairs besides. ”

“ He has boisterous spirits and high good humour. He is seldom put out of countenance. He has a charm of manner which explains Penelope’s infatuation.
Dickie.
Hulloa! I couldn’t make out what had become of you, Pen.
Penelope.
Why?
Dickie.
You generally come down to meet me when I get in.
[Penelope gives a slight start and conceals a smile.
Penelope.
My sainted mother is here.
Dickie.
[Gaily.] That’s no reason why you should neglect a devoted husband. [Shaking hands with Mrs. Golightly.] How is your sainted mother? Hulloa, Uncle Davenport, what price duchesses to-day?
Barlow. ”

“ Penelope.
Good heavens, no! That’s what makes me so angry. The last month he’s been more perfectly charming and delightful than ever. Oh, I wish I could do something really unpleasant to Ada Fergusson. Something with boiling oil in it.
Mrs. Golightly.
I am shocked, frankly shocked. I would never have thought that Dickie could be so wicked.
Barlow.
Family life in England is going to the dogs. That is the long and short of it. ”