Walter Jones

“ His father went and they got along swimmingly.
One day a neighbor came across Willie hustling like old Sam Hill to reload a wagon of hay which had overturned.
"Well, Willie, I see you are in trouble."
"Yes," says Willie, working for dear life.
"Suppose you come to the house and have dinner with me," says the neighbor.
Willie wouldn't hear of it. The man finally persuaded him to go.
All the way to the house and at dinner Willie kept saying:
"I shouldn't have come. I know dad won't like it."
"Why," says the neighbor, "your father will never know unless you tell him." ”

“ Growls each time he sees a stranger,
[Pg 12] Prowling through the woods and fooling with a gun;
For the shooting is alarming,
To the man who does the farming,
And he won't rest easy till the season's done.
That's a very fine song, I'll admit. Percy is just dead in love with it. He makes me sing it about ten times a day.
He says he can sympathize with the horses and cows, for he has "stopped many a charge that went astray" and knows how it feels.
We left the farmer with the gun, and Percy began to get woefully dry.
"Great Scott," says he, "I'd give almost anything for a drink of whiskey." ”

“ He spied an old gent with a kind face, tottering along the road.
"Just wait a minute," says Percy, "I'll see if that old gent carries a pocket flask."
So he went over and says:
"Kind sir, can you give a poor man who has heart trouble a drop of whiskey?"
[Pg 13]
"You should not drink that stuff," says the old man, "why do you do it?"
"Because I'm thirsty," says Percy.
"Then why don't you drink milk?" says he. "Milk, you know, makes blood."
"But," says Percy, "I'm not blood-thirsty."
"The doctors," continued the old man, "say that whiskey ruins the coat of the stomach. ”

“ Crying doesn't suit my complexion; then, too, I've enough to be sad about already.
I live in the suburbs.
You see if a man lives in the city, his wife always wants to go to some show or other, and that costs money.
We have a fine lot of neighbors out our way, I can tell you. They're so friendly.
[Pg 87]
The other day the woman next door stepped in, as I was coming to New York, and wanted to know if I wouldn't stop at Cooper & Siegel's and get her goods for a dress. I promised I would.
When I got there, I found an old maid ahead of me. ”

“ Do you know, all the gentlemen I mentioned in that song I just sang are my friends?
Talking of friends, puts me in mind of an ungrateful cuss I once called by this over-worked figure of speech.
He met me on the street, slapped me on the back, and said:
"Hello, old man!"
"Hello!" says I, "what do you want?"
"What do I want?" says he. "I want ten dollars."
"That's an awful large sum of money, and I'm afraid I haven't got it to lend," says I.
"You've got it in the bank?" says he.
"Yes," says I.
"Now, look here," says he. "The Good Book teaches us that we are all brothers." ”

“ I went down to one of the big department stores the other day and met my old friend Matt Wheeler looking over some furniture.
[Pg 61]
"Hello, Matt," says I, "how's Mamie?" Mamie is his sweetheart, you know.
"Oh!" says Matt, "I've thrown her over."
"Well, that was a foolish thing to do," says I. "Mamie was a good and beautiful girl."
"I know it," says he, "but her father offered to give us enough money to furnish a home, if we got married. I'm going with another girl now."
"What sort of a girl is she," says I, and that started him off. ”

“ But little he'll care; for Tom will sleep on—
He has an illness no doctor can cure.
That's a pretty good song, if I do say so myself. I always feel like laughing when I sing it, though. It reminds me of my dear departed friend, Tom O'Moore.
This Tom was the brightest fellow that ever lived.
One day he was greatly troubled with an aching tooth. He went to the dentist and exhibited his swollen jaw.
[Pg 30]
"Which tooth do you want extracted?" asked the dentist.
Tom pointed to a tooth opposite the swelling.
"Why," says the dentist, "the swelling is on the other side." ”

“ Soon the train started.
The twine held and so did the tooth.
You never saw any one run to beat that fool Irishman. He had Duffy beaten to death.
Finally after he had run a two-mile straight-away, the cord snapped, but the tooth stayed in. Pat came back.
"Be jabbers," says he, "the dum thing fooled me that time, but I'll get even. I'll go to a dentist."
I got on my train and took a seat in the forward car.
Just opposite, a very stylish, rather beautiful lady sat next to a clerical-looking chap. ”

“ He spotted Percy right away.
"You're wanted for obtaining money under false pretenses," says he.
He took Percy to the court, which was held in the rear of a grocery store.
Going in, I knocked a big cheese off the counter and stooped to pick it up.
"That's all right," says the grocer, "it knows its own way around the counter by this time."
The judge asked Percy what his profession was.
"I'm an actor," says Percy. "When I'm on the stage I become so absorbed in my part that the theatre vanishes, the audience disappears——"
"Yes," commented the judge, "they go out and ask for their money back. ”

“ Did you ever notice that when you have been taking liquid refreshments and are feeling good, and can't walk straight, then is the time you meet all your dearly beloved friends who like to talk about you? ”

“ Tom and O'Holleran took a walk through the suburbs, and came upon some blackberry bushes laden with half-ripe fruit.
"I say," says O'Holleran, "what kind of bushes do you call those, Tom?"
"Whoi, you fule," says Tom, "they're blackberries."
"Get out," says O'Holleran, "they're red."
"Sure," says Tom, "but every fule knows that blackberries are always red when they're green."
A little way beyond, they came to a crossroad. Tom said they ought to go to the right and O'Holleran said to the left. ”

“ While an artist has been engaged at a great expense to illustrate this volume of funniness, I want it distinctly understood that the illustrations are purely ornamental and are not intended to be diagrams of or keys to the jokes. ”

“ The railroad must have employed non-union help. You couldn't judge them at all. You'd strike a lot that were three feet apart and think they were all that way. You'd go to sleep until you struck one at a four-foot interval; then you'd wake up pretty quick and murmur gentle nothings about the company.
About the second day out, I landed at the town of Bridgewater. I walked into the only hotel of the place and thought I'd bluff 'em a little.
"What are the rates?" says I.
"Five dollars a day and up," says the clerk. ”

“ Speaking of Willie puts me in mind of another boy I know.
He's the brightest chap for his years to be found in a day's walk.
Why, when the boy was six months old, he howled all night and slept all day.
They fooled him though, by putting an electric light in front of his parent's door, while he slept one day. ”

“ That woman was the meanest thing in the form of a human being I ever struck.
No, I'm wrong; for meanness I give the palm to a certain car driver.
Once, when I was a kid, I footed it out to a resort near my home. ”

“ Percy was certainly getting the biggest ten cents' worth I ever saw, when he stepped over and says:
"Don't you think you have had enough?"
"Just one more plate and then—" says Percy.
"Then what?" says the boss.
"Then you can tell the cook to make them a little bit thicker," says Percy.
I tried to chew my chicken, but couldn't get it down. I managed to catch the waiter on his fifteenth lap between the kitchen and Percy's plate, and says:
"Waiter, this chicken is awfully tough."
"Have some pancakes, then," says Percy. "They're good and come cheap." ”

“ Then, perhaps, you might make money,
Such as father used to make."
There! I'm greatly relieved now that I've got that song off my mind. I was afraid I might break down, because it's so touching.
Talking of relief, puts me in mind of a friend of mine who wanted to be relieved, in the worst way, of a barrel of over-ripe sauerkraut. When I heard his tale of woe, I laughed so that I had to go and buy a new pair of suspenders.
You see, he had a German friend who had the kraut and didn't know what to do with it, so he offered to send it home to my friend Jenkins. ”

“ When I got to the station I noticed an Irishman sitting out of harm's way, holding his jaw.
"What's the matter, old man?" says I; "toothache?"
"Yes, bedad," says he, "but I'm going to get rid of it."
He got a strong piece of twine, tied one end to the offending molar, and the other to the rail of the last car of the Washington express. ”

“ It was only my servant, Bridget, talking to a policeman stationed on the beat.
I have a friend who had a very wild son about sixteen years of age. He could do absolutely nothing with him.
One day the youngster was offered a job in a big tinware factory.
[Pg 58]
His father, thinking it might tone him down a bit, consented to let him go.
The first Saturday night the kid lost his week's wages in a crap game and was afraid to go home.
Finally he hit upon a bright scheme. He took his trousers, turned them inside out and had them galvanized. ”

“ The other day I had sixteen cents with which to get something to eat, and I thought I'd chance it.
I stepped into one of these holy terrors and sat down on a revolving stool similar to those they have in dry goods stores.
These seats are placed so closely together that your neighbor's business is your own.
You try to eat your soup. He nudges you and sends it back in your plate.
He tries to eat his pork and beans. You nudge him and he fishes in his vest pocket for pork, and down his shirt front for beans. ”

“ Think what an unhandy thing a clarionette is to carry."
"That's right, my dear," says Joe, "but think what a darn handy thing it is in case of a scrap."
Now I'll try to amuse you by singing my latest dead march, entitled "The Moth and the Flame; or, My Kingdom For a Fire."
They howl of the creature who uses the hoe,
Of the farmer behind the plow;
They warble a song to the horny palm,
[Pg 72] And they garland the sunburned brow.
There's praise for the soldier behind the gun,
Who fights after others tire ”

“ The other day he bet a fellow named Robinson, that he could select two out of the bunch that would come home no matter where they were taken.
Robinson thought a while, and then said he'd bet they couldn't come home from Coney Island. I held the stakes.
When the birds were selected and put in the basket, Robinson slyly clipped their wings.
The next day the fellow came to me and claimed the bet.
"What!" says I. "Did those birds come home?"
"Sure," says he. "But their feet are awfully sore."
Say, the other night I was coming down from Yonkers in a trolley car. ”

“ I struck a "she" specimen the other day.
[Pg 47]
As soon as we were introduced, she says: "Jones, Jones, surely you are a descendant of the famous family of Joneses, who had their origin in the stone age and lived in a cave on the Palisades, about a mile from Hoboken?"
"I can't remember," says I, "it's so long ago and I have a poor memory."
"Yes, but let us come nearer to the present generation," says she. "You surely are a relative of the Joneses, the Milwaukee millionaires of the same name." ”

“ Now, who are you?"
"Why," says I, "I'm Admiral Dewey on a tour of inspection in my private car. I'm going back to Brooklyn Navy Yard to superintend the manufacture [Pg 7] of a boiler, so large that it takes two hundred and fifty men to drive one of the rivets."
"Go slow, there," says he. "What could they do with a boiler so large as that?"
"Why," says I, "they're going to boil that cabbage your father raised." ”

“ A young fellow came to me and said he had swallowed a cent and I made him cough up two dollars."
That doctor has a son that beats anything you ever heard tell of. He has made all his money on apples.
No, he don't grow them. He's a doctor. ”

“ It represents a green field on a cloudy day. Can't I paint well?"
"Fine," says I. "In fact you have done so well, I am going to recommend you to a friend of mine who wants a fence whitewashed."
Mrs. Closefist, whose reputation for meanness was well known, was in the habit of giving a soiree once a year, "just to liven the boarders up." ”

“ I thought he was going to kill her, so I went in search of a policeman.
I looked around for about an hour and finally located one talking to Billyon's cook.
"Say," says I, "you're wanted around the corner. A man has nearly killed his wife."
"How big is the man?" says he.
"Oh, he's bigger than you."
[Pg 85]
"Well," says he, "I'm sorry, old man, but it's off my beat."
I went to the race track the other day and met a bookmaker I know.
"Hello," says he. "What brings you here? Do you know anything?" ”

“ The first thing I asked the captain was if Rufus had been saved.
"Why," says he, "haven't you heard? He landed at Savannah and cornered the cotton market to the tune of ten million dollars, but he says he's a ruined man because he lost his yacht."
Say, how do you stand on the servant question? I had a girl that beat all outdoors for intelligence.
The other day my wife went out to do some shopping and left Bridget in charge of the house. ”