Wells Hawks

“ Seems to me that the worst weakness that is in the breast of man is the feelin’ that pulls him away from another man when they ought to be stickin’ together. Say, it ain’t many a man that remembers a good turn, and kind acts is forgotten as quick as money that’s owin’. But them big boys with the trunks, say, they ain’t forgettin’ nothin’. Youse can do a good turn for a man an’ he’ll throw you the next day, but the elephant ain’t forgettin’ the one what has done him sumthin’ good, be he man or beast. ”

“ You’re right, Jim; half way right, but it won’t go these days. But what I’m tellin’ you is right; when you is sellin’ hard tickets to a long line that is rushin’ to get to the tent, youse can’t go out and have a personal interview with every man that runs away an’ leaves his change on [78] the window. An’ say, whose goin’ to take chances givin’ it up when he does come back? Not me, not me; I see me little bank-roll in the Dime Savin’s lookin’ like a busted baloon on the end of the season. Say, don’t make no mistake, ev’ry hand at the window is a hand ag’in’ you. ”

“ These days the people who are spending money for amusements reads the papers, and it’s the paper talk that lands the coin at the window. I know what I’m talkin’ about. Bill posting is all right, but it’s the newspaper work that does the real singin’.”
“Come off!” said the Bill Poster. “You’re only pluggin’ your own job. You don’t mean to tell me that the boss of this outfit would keep all the printin’ shops in Cincinnatty goin’ night an’ day to git out the wall stuff if they didn’t think it was some good. ”

“ An’ me helper, who was a bit of a mechanic, he takes the sill of the window in the wagon and tilts it with the slant to the inside. A guy comes along and throws up a dollar bill, and says give me one. With one hand I throw down the ticket, an’ with the other throw up two quarters, or a quarter two tens and a five. They hit the glass, an’ say, with that slant some of it was sure to come back, an’ Mr. Man is in too big a hurry for the Big Show to notice, an’ the constable, who’s to get the five, keeps ’em movin’. ”

“ The gang looked like a listening party, so he began to reel:
“Say, it’s pretty tough when a fellow starts out to do the right thing by a little lady and gets the flag. It jes’ shows that whenever you gits to dreamin’ good somebody is goin’ to give you an alarm clock finish an’ let you wake up with a shriek. Remember two seasons ago, when we was workin’ the Congress of Nations gag in the manager’s tent? Well, me it is who meets a little lady who is doin’ the bead stitchin’ in the gypsy village. She’s a pretty little thing an’ quietlike. ”

“ Run down the heathen land. “And all for a dime, ten cents, will you hesitate? but wait, good people, that is not all. The wonder of wonders is yet to come—Bobo—he eats ’em alive, he eats ’em alive. You must see Bobo. This strange and curious specimen of humanity who exists upon poisonous reptiles, captured in the jungles of the Tasmanian blue gum tree and brought to civilized America, he still lives on snakes—Bobo, the snake eater—Bobo, he eats ’em alive, he eats ’em alive. ”

“ He rolled himself a cigarette and the gang being silent he edged in with this bunch of talk:
“I’m bluer this evenin’ than the paste boards they’re passin’ out of the ticket wagon an’ if it wasn’t for gettin’ the dock at the pay off I’d be up against some boozery workin’ the syphon like an engine at a tenement fire. I ain’t got no life in me ’t all an’ I won’t have until we leaves the east an’ strikes the west country. B’lieve me, me boys, the east is all right for business, for I can pass out the sour juice at five a throw right here as well as any where, but it’s myself an’ not the place. ”

“ I hustles over to the tavern an’ finds Jed puttin’ away the juice like he was loadin’ a train. I gives him a long talk an’ tells him about the elephants. He calls ’em his darlings an’ wants to buy more drink. I begs him to come over an’ [89] help us out, but he’s sore on the Boss an’ won’t make a move. After awhile I gets him to thinkin’, an’ he sez he’ll do it. Jed was pretty full an’ was staggerin’, but I gets him to the lot where ev’ry animal man in the outfit is a spearin’ them beasts, while the Boss is cussin’, an’ the whole town roostin’ on the sidewalk an’ givin’ us the laugh. ”

“ There ain’t no use talkin’, whenever a guy gets a good dream in this here life some sucker has got to give him the alarm clock finish an’ he wakes up with a yell.
[33]
“Say, I can call the turn on the folks on the blue boards an’ have ’em all drinkin’ lemon juice and shellin’ peanuts an’ I likes to do it, but me heart ain’t in the work, this season and that’s no lithograph josh either. I’ll tell you and some of youse may give me the grin, but it’s ten to one you’ve had the soft spot yourselves, so I ain’t a-carin’. Remember the Congress of Nations gag they was workin’ las’ season? ”

“ The Gov’nor knows it, for he gives me a good word an’ a back pat jus’ as the parade was startin’ for the main highway.
“I’m given youse the real word, an’ it’s this—when you can get ’em readin’ about the Big Show you’ve already got ’em feelin’ for change to buy, an’ that’s as true as ticker talk. The old man sees [9] in the paper that the Big Show will soon be on the lot, an’ when he gets home to daily bread he tells it to the old woman; the kids get next and there’s no let up on papa ’till he promises to buy in for the whole family. An’ workin’ one is workin’ all—that’s my motto. ”

“ Many a time I’ve laid me bundle of lithos under a doorstep to punch some guy who was tearin’ down my stuff in saloons where I’d spent up me money, and then hangin’ his stuff in the window. I tell you the opposition crew is the crowd to have the ginger. When your car is hangin’ up on a grassy sidin’ an’ you gits a wire that the other show is routin’ three days ahead of your own bookin’s, it makes you jump. The boss wires the head of the gang to jump for the town and beat ’em up. ”

“ Queen Mary, the largest fat woman ever shown under canvas or in hall of curios, the marvelous Samson, the giant of today, who bears upon his breast great rocks to be broken with a sledge, and last but not least—Professor Corello and his troupe of performing roaches, the only attempt ever made to develop the hitherto unknown powers of these insects. ”

“ There ain’t a man in the country who don’t think he’s doin’ a smart trick when he beats a circus man out of money. They’ll all do you when they can. Mark my word. I’ve been passing out hard tickets with this outfit for nine years an’ long before that with a fly-by-night, an’ I knows the game—ev’ry hand that comes up to that window will do you if it can. ”

“ The next day we has a parade an’ we brass is on top of a wagon with Doc’s ads, painted on the side. The Indians is ridin’ along behind us. Well, say, we had hardly hit the main street when the Indian what was sore on the drummer throws his lariat and lassos poor Cooney off the wagon, drums an’ all, into the middle of a bunch of cows what was gettin’ weighed. He was pretty bad, so we shipped him home.”
“That ain’t Cooney beatin’ the drum with us, is it?” asks the Boss Canvasman as he tied a long running knot in the guy rope to the net under the swings for the brother act. ”

“ She tells me the way she gets into the circus is that a big guy what was engagin’ people for the Congress used to eat his butter cakes at her table, an’ he keeps on tellin’ her what a fine life it is to be an actress, an’, as he has been readin’ about it in books, she throws up the waitin’ job and joins out. The big guy gets half of her first week for the gettin’ her the job. ”

“ I was payin’ the trainer a little extry to see that the banners got on, and, say, that boy for liquor was the original reservoir. It seems that the money I’m givin’ him allus buys a drink. He keeps it up right along an’ gits many a warnin’. There wasn’t a guy with the outfit that could handle the beasts like he could, an’ the Boss was allus afeerd sumthin’ would happen.
“And it did by and by. The trainer don’t pay attention to the warnin’, and one matinee he queers the act. He gets his elephants all mixed up in his ring, an’ there comes near bein’ a breakaway but for a lot of spearin’. ”

“ They gets to hollerin’ an’ more spearin’, but they might as well tried to move mountains. The Boss come in, an’ he tries it, but no go. They moves a lot of hay down the lot, thinkin’ it will make ’em look for another feedin’, but no go. Then one of the trainers what had been helpin’ the head trainer stan’s out an’ calls ’em by name. They flaps their big ears, but not a move. It’s time for the section to be pullin’ out, an’ we all hands is up against it.
“Well, I sez to myself, here’s your chance to be smart an’ redeem it all for Jed,—the trainer what was fired for drinkin’. ”

“ Durn me, boys, if that little maiden didn’t mash them berries to a pulp, strain ’em through the Hoochie Coochie gal’s veil and have the tub full of sour juice in seven minutes. I pours in the water, [36] finds me floaters and puts them on the ice bank an’ before the gang is passin’ once ’roun’ I’m sellin’ the juice as if lemons was growin’ on locust trees. Gooseberries too an’ the yaps couldn’t git enough of it. It was better than any graft ever in the one ring days an’ the little gal had done it all. ”

“ I gets a column story in each of the afternoon sheets on how the Press Agent of the Big Show captures two bold boys, an’ the Gov’nor gives me the good word and a double X, an’ I says thankee an’ repeats me motto, ‘An’ workin’ one is workin’ all,’ to every barkeeper that was sellin’ after midnight that evenin’. ”

“ The Boss sees it all, an’ he gets the trainer out without any talk. The boys gets the elephants back to their stable, but ev’ry one is looking for trouble.
[88]
“Well, say, the Big Show is started an’ about halfway through when the Boss Canvasman is ready to strike the animal tent an’ make for the cars. The horses is put to the dens, an’ they is all soon on the road, with the walkin’ stock followin’. Then the boys gets to the elephants an’ tries to start ’em, but not a one will move. They gives them the spear, but not a move. ”

“ Comin’ back I see’s a dago doin’ the shaker across from the lot. He has ’bout a dozen lemons and I offers him a good price, but the brown boy wouldn’t sell an’ I was sorer than a doped lion. I goes into the tent and meets Maggie, that was the name of me fairy, an’ she was sewin’ silvers on her little coat. She sees me sad like an’ I unloads me woes. The gal didn’t say much, but she rubs her hand across me frowner an’ sez, never mind, John, I’ll help ye out, an’ goes ’way. ”

“ Finally the talk drifted to animals, and then to elephants, and up speaks the Concert Manager.
“I never comes through the animal tent and sees the elephant herd,” he says, “but it has me rememberin’ sumthin’ that happens when I’m with the John Robinson show doin’ the talkin’ from the ring an’ makin’ me extra with a couple of blackface turns, a singin’ act an’ a knockabout after the Big Show.
“Say, for real heart them elephants has got all humanity beat to a standstill. ”

“ He had a line of explanations that would [77] make any man think he threw down a two-spot when he knew that he walked up to the window with a double X.
“Lemme tell you fellows sumthin’” he said, as he came in after supper in the meal tent and sat down for a smoke. “You’se can always hear a lot of knockin’ for the boys what sells in the wagon. Now take it from me, don’t youse believe a word of it till youse gets the other side. You hear a lot of hollerin’ that ev’rybody is gettin’ done, and that the boys in the wagon is buyin’ gov’ment bonds and furnishing flats on the short change graft. ”

“ The gang was startled, for in the memory of none there never lodged the fact that the Boss Canvasman had been seen to sit [44] down as long as the pole was standing. But he did, and what’s more, he reeled off a yarn.
“Jes, ’fore the war broke out,” he said, “I had enlisted in the First Ohio, I was workin’ down the Valley of Virginia wid a little wagon show doin’ the same kind of work I’se doin’ now, ’cept it was nothin’ but play to this. ”

“ It’s the press work that gets ’em talkin’, an’ it’s the talkin’ that’ll make ’em give up even when wheat is down to 48 an’ interest on mortgages is starin’ ’em in the face. Get the paper talk an’ the money is so sure that you can be plannin’ new acts for next season before the first pasteboard hits the bottom of the red box on the gate. ”

“ You see she had been working in a New York hash house, where they had Bible talk on the wall an’ where they gave a splash of beans and a draw for a dime. She gets tired an’ a guy what has [34] been eatin’ at the place gives her a job in a boardin’ house waitin’ on the table. Here she meets the man what has the Congress get up to put on an’ he tells her gilt edge stories about the circus business and to cut the talk down she joins out with the show. Well, say, she was the real thing to me. ”

“ It was good for thirty a day and the privilege was cheap, but say, the finish was tragic. You see the gal had run off from home, where she was makin’ three dollars spinnin’ yarn in a mill an’ payin’ her people two fifty board. She gets stuck on the show business an’ goes out with a rep, where I picks her up. Well, it seems that her old man gets sort o’ dippy ’cause he didn’ do the right thing by the little one an’ started out to fin’ her. Somebody tells the old boy she is dead an’ he falls down for a while. But he gets up and goes wanderin’ ’bout to all the shows lookin’ for the gal. ”