William E. Suter

“ SIMON. (going, L.) Yes, Master Harry.
FRANK. Stop a moment; is there anything to eat in the pantry?
SIMON. I saw the plate chest there; but I’ll go and see, Master Harry. Ah! if you were Mr. Frank.
FRANK. Well?
SIMON. I shouldn’t be able to find anything. (confidentially) Godfather says that you are a pet, and that your brother is a bad lot; old folks won’t have him at any price.
FRANK. (aside) I know it but too well. (aloud) You will find some cigars in my portmanteau, with my pipe and tobacco. Stay; have you got the keys of the cellar?
SIMON. Yes, sir. ”

“ FRANK. Yes, yes—oh, I wonder where grandmother keeps her salt and vinegar!
Runs off, L. door—ADELAIDE jumps up, runs to the door and bolts it behind him—SIMON enters, R. door, tipsy, a bottle in his hand, and still wearing the morning gown and cap.
SIMON. (singing) Grief is a folly,
We’ll sing and be jolly!
ADELA. Mr. Mitchell, in that dreadful state!
SIMON. Where are you, Mr. Sir? it’s me, Simon—you must wait upon yourself—I’m going to bed.
ADELA. (aside) Simon! the servant, ah, I understand. (aloud, to SIMON) Oh, it is you, is it?
SIMON. (aside) The young lady! ”

“ I could easily impose upon my grandmother, who is nearly blind, and ditto upon my grandfather, who is quite deaf, and so I will go to them and say here is your darling Harry, and express my willingness to receive as much money as they choose to give me; if my brother were to write I should be there to suppress his letters. Wasn’t that a clever idea? not particularly honest, but remarkably clever; that will teach parents to have a preference, to all respectable grandfathers one grandson is as good as another. ”

“ ADELA. That voice! Mrs. Mitchell, no doubt.
SIMON. (aside, frightened) Grandmother! then I’m booked! (about to bolt off, R. door, is met by FRANK, who enters, C. door, dressed as an old lady)
FRANK. (stopping SIMON) Eh! where are you hobbling to? (aside to SIMON, in natural voice) If you don’t keep still——
SIMON. (R., aside, amazed) Eh! Mr. Harry!
ADELA. (L., curtseying) Madam——
FRANK. (C., to ADELAIDE) Ah! there you are, little darling; my grandson told me just now that——
SIMON. (sinking again into easy chair, R. C.) My wife will be back directly. ”

“ SIMON staggers on, door, L., still drunk, and wearing morning gown, &c., and carrying cushion and bottle.
SIMON. Sir, sir, your grandmother is returned.
FRANK. (R.) I know that, you fool, for here she is.
SIMON. (L.) Oh, but I mean the real ’un.
FRANK. The what?
ADELA. (C.) Can it be possible?
SIMON. Godfather has just seen them; the old coach broke down, the roads were so bad; so they have come back, and I was in the park, just going to bed—— (staggering, and trying to pull off morning gown—Exit, door C.)
ADELA. (hastily snatching off her old woman’s dress) Oh, heaven!
FRANK. Ah! you! ”

“ SIMON. (aside) Isn’t she tucking me up nicely! it’s rather pleasant to be old—atchieu! (sneezing)
ADELA. Heaven bless you!
SIMON. My wife will be back directly.
ADELA. He is deaf as a post. (to herself) Yes, Mr. Harry is a scamp: but luckily, we had for neighbour that good man, Mr. Dunstable. (shouting to SIMON) Your friend Dunstable.
SIMON. My wife will be——
ADELA. (interrupting him) Yes, yes, I know! And when he learned Mr. Harry’s conduct to my dear sister Jane, the idea occurred to him to send me here as a companion to—“Go to their house,” he said, “you will see Mrs. ”

“ Because of the quality of the images, this transcription was compared with the text posted by the Victorian Plays Project at:
victorian.nuigalway.ie
In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting, punctuation and spelling of the source text, including variant spellings such as “atchieu,” “doat,” and “shewn.”
The following changes were made:
p. 3: Deleted “ [Mr. Lacy’s List.] ” at the top of the page. This appears to be a typesetting error. p. 3: SCENE.—Interior of an old Country Mansion; door, C; door, R;—For consistency, added a period after “C” and “R”. p. ”