George Colman

“ The very air of the camp, Gregory, will brace your courage to the true pitch.
Gregory. That may be, madam; and yet, for a bracing air, people are apt to die in it, sooner than in any other place.
Adeline. Pshaw! pr'ythee, man, put but a confident look on the matter, and we shall do, I warrant. A bluff and blustering outside often conceals a chicken heart. Mine aches, I am sure! but I will hide my grief under the veil of airy carelessness.—Down, sorrow! I'll be all bustle, like the occasion. Come, Gregory! Mark your mistress, man, and learn: see how she'll play the pert young soldier. ”

“ O'Carrol. Och! be asey, madam; we'll take the ould fellow by the forelock, I warrant him. When honest gentlemen's business calls them on a small walk to the gallows, a man may set out a quarter of an hour behind them, and be certain of meeting them upon the road:—and, now I bethink me, madam, if we go out at the draw-bridge, from the citadel, hard by the house here, we may be at the camp, ere the poor souls have marched their body round the battlements.
Julia. Thou say'st well; and we will forth that way:
'Twill be most private too. Thou'lt follow me, O'Carrol? ”

“ Where Somnus, son of Nox, the humble copy
Of his own daughter Mors,8 had made assault
On the Duke’s eye-lids,—not with juice of poppy,
But potent draughts, distill’d from hops and malt.
Certainly, nothing operates much quicker
Against two persons’ secret dialogues,
Than one of them being asleep, in liquor,
Snoring like twenty thousand hogs.
Yet circumstance did, presently, require
The Knight to tell his tale;
And to instruct his Man, knock’d down with ale,
That he (Sir Thomas) had knock’d down a Friar.
How wake a man, in such a case? ”

“ George Colman the elder suffered severely from the effects of a paralytic affection, which, in the year 1790, produced mental derangement; and, after living in seclusion for four years, he died on the 14th of April 1794, having been during his life a joint proprietor of Covent Garden Theatre, and sole proprietor of the little theatre in the Haymarket. ”

“ Mighty pretty handsel for the Red Cow, my lambkin!
Mrs. Brul. A couple of guineas! Lord, sir! if I thought you had been such a gentleman!—Pray, miss, walk in! your poor dear, little feet must be quite wet with our nasty roads. I beg pardon, sir; but character's every thing in our business; and I never lose sight of my own credit.
Dennis. That you don't—till you see other people's ready money.
Pereg. Go in, child. I shall soon be with you again.
Mary. You will return, then, sir?
Pereg. Speedily. Rely on me.
Mary. I shall, sir;—I am sure I may. Heaven bless you, sir! ”

“ T. Sheridan’s stripping of Bonduca—for we really think it worthy the son of that poet, who, neglecting his own genius and 102 the duties of a regular practitioner, condescends to turn quack, and bedizen that high German doctor Pizarro, in an English dress!!
Apropos of awaking George Colman!—We beg the noble lord’s pardon; but we are not in such a violent hurry to disturb this gentleman; for if, when awake, he should not acquit himself better than in his last production of the Africans, we think the sounder he sleeps the more solid will be his reputation. Therefore,
Sleep on, George Colman! ”

“ The Knight began,
In doleful accents, thus to say:
“Here a fat Friar lies, kill’d with a mauling,
For coming, in the dark, a-caterwauling;
Whom I (O cursed spite!) did lay so!”
Thus, solemnly, Sir Thomas spake, and sigh’d;—
To whom the Duke of Limbs replied—
“Odrabbit it! Sir Thomas! you don’t say so!”
Then, taking the huge Friar per the hocks,
He whirl’d the ton of blubber three times round,
And swung it on his shoulders, from the ground,
With strength that yields, in any age, to no man’s,—
Tho’ Milo’s ghost should rise, bearing the Ox
He carried at the games of the old Romans. ”

“ I'll see you righted. Don't be terrified, child—damn it, you know I doat on you: but we are all equals in the eye of the law; and rot me, if I won't make a baronet's son shake in his shoes, for betraying a brazier's daughter. Come, love, come!
Exeunt Job and Mary.
Dennis. There'll be a big boderation at the Manor-house! My customers are all gone, that I was to entertain:—nobody's left but my lambkin, who don't entertain me: Sir Simon's butler gives good Madeira:—so, I'm off, after the rest; and the Red Cow and mother Brulgruddery may take care of one another. ”

“ Me!—who, in agony, tho’ suing now to you,
Would, once, have seen you damn’d ere make a bow to you.
Me,—Roger!”12
To this address, so fraught with the pathetick,
John remain’d dumb, as a Pythagorean;
Seeming to hint, “Roger, you’re a plebeian
Peripatetick.”
When such choice oratory has not hit,
When it is, e’en, unanswer’d by a grunt,
’Twould justify tame Job to curse a bit,
And set an Angler swearing, in his punt.
Cholerick Roger could not brook it;—
So seeing a huge brick-bat, up he took it;
And aiming, like a marksman at a crow,
Plump on the breast he hit his deadly foe ”

“ Kings hang’d poor Rogues, while rich ones were befriended.
Contents
Ye Criticks, and ye Hyper-Criticks!—who
Have deign’d (in reading this my story thro’)
A patient, or impatient, ear to lend me,—
If, as I humbly amble, ye complain
I give my Pegasus too loose a rein,
’Tis time to call my Betters to defend me.
Come, Swift! who made so merry with the Nine;
With thy far bolder Muse, Oh, shelter mine!
When she is style’d a slattern, and a trollop;—
Force stubborn Gravity to doff his gloom ”

“ Wows. Your countrymen dress so?
Trudge. Better, better a great deal. Why, a young flashy Englishman will sometimes carry a whole fortune on his back. But did you mind the women? [30] All here—and there; [Pointing before and behind.] they have it all from us in England.—And then the fine things they carry on their heads, Wowski.
Wows. Iss. One lady carry good fish——so fine, she call every body to look at her.
Trudge. Pshaw! an old woman bawling flounders. But the fine girls we meet, here, on the quay—so round and so plump!
Wows. You not love me now?
Trudge. Not love you! ”

“ Sir Chr. Look ye, young man; I love to be plain: I shall treat her a good deal better than you would, I fancy; for though I witness this custom every day, I can't help thinking the only excuse for buying our fellow creatures, is to rescue them from the hands of those who are unfeeling enough to bring them to market.
Inkle. Fair words, old gentleman; an Englishman won't put up an affront.
Sir Chr. An Englishman! more shame for you! [56] Let Englishmen blush at such practices. Men, who so fully feel the blessings of liberty, are doubly cruel in depriving the helpless of their freedom. ”

“ Enter Gregory and Adeline, hastily.
Gregory. Run, run, madam! follow a blockhead's advice, and run, or 'tis all over with us.
Adeline. Whither shall I fly! Fatigue and despair so wear and press me, I scarcely know what course to take.
Gregory. Take to your legs, madam! Get on now, or we shall never be able to get off. Come, my dear, good, Lady Adeline! Lord! Lord! only to see now, what little resolution people have, that they can't run away when there's danger. [Shout.] Plague on your shouting! Since they must make soldiers of us—the light troops against the field, say I! ”

“ Trudge. No, no, no, don't; don't. We may be called to account for disturbing the company: you may get a curtain-lecture, perhaps, sir.
Inkle. Peace, booby, and stand on your guard.
Trudge. Oh! what will become of us! Some grim, seven foot fellow ready to scalp us.
Inkle. By heaven! a woman.
[As the curtain draws, Yarico and Wowski discovered asleep.
[18]
Trudge. A woman! [Aside.] — [Loud.] But let him come on; I'm ready—dam'me, I don't fear facing the devil himself—Faith it is a woman—fast asleep too.
Inkle. And beautiful as an angel!
Trudge. And egad! ”

“ Frank. Take back this letter of recommendation, you wrote for Mary, as a friend. When you assume that name with me, Mr. Shuffleton, for myself I laugh; for you I blush; but for sacred friendship's profanation I grieve.
[Turns from him.
Shuff. That all happens from living so much out of town.
Enter Peregrine, Job Thornberry, and Mary.
Pereg. Now, Sir Simon, as accident seems to have thwarted a design, which probity could never applaud, you may, perhaps, be inclined to do justice here.
Job. Justice is all I come for—damn their favours! Cheer up, Mary!
Sir Simon. [To Pereg.] ”

“ That you have, my lambkin! You have had one these fifty years, I'll bound for you.
Mrs. Brul. Fifty years! you are the greatest brute that ever dug potatoes.
Re-enter Peregrine, supporting Mary.
Pereg. This way. Cheer your spirits; the ruffian with whom I saw you struggling, has fled across the Heath; but his speed prevented my saving your property. Was your money, too, in the parcel with your clothes?
Mary. All I possessed in the world, sir;—and he has so frighten'd me!—Indeed. I thank you, sir; indeed I do!
Pereg. Come, come, compose yourself. Whither are you going, pretty one? ”

“ Gregory. Nay, there's no need of much consideration; there's little distinction of apartments here, madam: we shall both sleep on the ground floor—and our lodgings will be pure and airy, I warrant them.
Adeline. Peace, fool! nor let thy grosser mind, half fears, half levity, thus trifle with my feelings! I have borne me up against affliction, till my o'ercharged bosom can contain no longer.
Gregory. O the father! look if my poor dear lady be not a weeping!—why, madam—Lady Adeline—dear madam! I am but a fool as you say ”

“ To seek him in the camp. The Lancasters again are making head, here, in the north. If he have had an opportunity of joining them, 'tis more than probable he is in their army. Thither will we;—and for this purpose have I doff'd my woman's habit; leaving my house to the care of a trusty friend: and, thus accoutred, have led you, Gregory, the faithful follower of my sorrows, a weary journey half over England.
Gregory. Weary! oh dear, no—not at all—I could turn about again directly, and walk back, brisker by half than I came.
Adeline. What, man, afraid! Come, come; we run but little risk. ”

“ Frank. Must I marry this woman, whom my father has chosen for me; whom I expect here to-morrow? And must I, then, be told 'tis criminal to love my poor, deserted Mary, because our hearts are illicitly attach'd? Illicit for the heart? fine phraseology! Nature disowns the restriction; I cannot smother her dictates with the polity of governments, and fall in, or out of love, as the law directs.
Enter Dennis Brulgruddery.
Well, friend, who do you come from?
Dennis. I come from the Red Cow, sir.
Frank. The Red Cow?
Dennis. Yes, sir!—upon Muckslush Heath—hard by your honour's father's house, here. ”

“ Horror on horror!—he saw John
Where least of all he ever thought to find him:
Stuck up, on end, in placid grace,
Like a stuff’d Kangaroo,—tho’ vastly fatter,—
With the full moon upon his chubby face,
Like a brass pot-lid shining on a platter.
“’Sdeath!” quoth the Knight, of half his powers bereft,
“Didst thou not tell me where this Friar was left?
Men rise again, to push us from our stools!”14
To which the Duke replied, with steady phiz,—
“Them as took pains to push that Friar from his,
At such a time o’night, was cursed fools.” ”

“ I cannot help following my poor Lady Adeline—affection has led many a bolder man by the nose than I. I wonder, though, how your bold fellows find themselves just before they're going to fight. I wonder if they have any uncomfortable sort of sticking in the throat, and a queer kind of a cold tickling feel in some part of the flesh. Ah! Gregory, Gregory Gubbins! your peaceable qualities will never do for a camp. ”

“ Enter Medium and Trudge.
Med. Pshaw! it's only wasting time and breath. Bawling won't persuade him to budge a bit faster, and, whatever weight it may have in some places, bawling, it seems, don't go for argument here. Plague on't! we are now in the wilds of America.
Trudge. Hip, hillio—ho—hi!——
Med. Hold your tongue, you blockhead, or——
Trudge. Lord! sir, if my master makes no more haste, we shall all be put to sword by the knives of the natives. I'm told they take off heads like hats, and hang 'em on pegs, in their parlours. Mercy on us! ”

“ There's nothing like the cloth for comfort, old fellows; remember what a man of Christ Church wrote to George Colman when he was studying for the law.
'Turn parson, Colman, that's the way to thrive; Your parsons are the happiest men alive. ”

“ I, Alexander Puff, corporal to King Henry the Sixth, (Heaven bless him!) in his majesty's camp, at Hexham, in Northumberland.
Fifer. Well, though they do muster strong, we may make Edward's party skip for all that; if we have but justice on our side.
Corp. Well said, Master Wiseacre!—Justice! No, no! Might overcomes right, now a days. Bully Rebellion has almost frightened Justice out of her wits; and, when she ventures to weigh causes, her hand trembles so confoundedly, that half the merits tumble out of the scale. ”

“ When cold comes, or when 'tis hot,
Ah, don't go grieve me!
Poor Wowski will be forgot—
White man, don't leave me!
Trudge. Zounds! leopard's skin for winter wear, and feathers for a summer's suit! Ha, ha! I shall look like a walking hammer-cloth, at Christmas, and an upright shuttlecock, in the dog days. And for all this, if my master and I find our way to England, you shall be part of our travelling equipage; and, when I get there, I'll give you a couple of snug rooms, on a [23] first floor, and visit you every evening, as soon as I come from the counting-house. Do you like it?
Wows. ”