Wallypug

“ I beg your pardon” said Ho-Lor. “How very stupid of me. But you know, the fact is, we get such a lot of foreigners down here, and they do ask such funny questions. A Frenchman we caught the other day actually asked me how I carried myself. Wasn’t it rude of him—considering my weight too?”
“You’re a Wallypug, too, aren’t you?” asked Gra-Shus, looking smilingly up into my face.
“Oh, no!” I replied; “I am only his Majesty’s guest.”
“His Majesty! Do you mean that?” said Mi-Hy, pointing to the Wallypug.
The Wallypug drew himself up with an air of offended dignity. ”

“ There we hung, dangling and bobbing about in front of each other in the most ridiculous way, the dear Wallypug still clinging to his carpet-bag with one hand, while in the other he clutched a half-eaten sandwich. I shall never forget his Majesty’s surprised expression when he found himself hanging up the air in this unexpected way.
“Like being a bird, isn’t it?” he remarked when at last he found a voice.
“H’m, not much,” I replied. “I feel more like a fish at the end of this line. I wish some one would come and help us off. ”

“ I couldn’t help laughing at his Majesty’s disappointed face, but Ho-Lor seemed positively to think that it was a catch worth having. “It’s in capital condition,” he exclaimed, examining [127] it critically, “and has a beautifully-shaped neck.”
“But it’s only an old ink bottle,” objected the poor Wallypug.
“What else did you expect to catch, I should like to know?” said Mi-Hy. “Some people are never satisfied. Many a time I have fished here a whole day and only caught a piece of blotting paper or a pen-wiper.”
“What funny things to catch!” exclaimed the Wallypug. ”

“ And I confidently hoped that he might do so, for I was as curious as was the Wallypug to know what the term meant.
[125]
Just then we passed a curious little blue island with one tiny house on it, standing in the midst of some curious trees and strangely-shaped rocks. “Let’s go ashore and fish,” suddenly suggested Mi-Hy.
“Oh! yes, do,” cried the Wallypug. “I love fishing; but I’m never allowed to do so in my own land.”
“Why not?” inquired Ho-Lor.
“The fishes object,” replied his Majesty, sadly; “they say that it gives them the tooth-ache.”
“How absurd of them,” said Ho-Lor, sympathetically. ”

“ We entered the little blue temple and were each presented with a little blue rug, upon which we sat cross-legged, as we observed that Mi-Hy and Ho-Lor were doing. Gra-Shus served us in blue cups what tasted like delicious tea, but which looked exactly like blue ink. No sooner had we taken a few sips than I noticed that the Wallypug was slowly turning a light blue color, while at the same moment he stared at me fixedly a moment, and then exclaimed: “Why, what a funny color you are!” ”

“ Didn’t you instigate the Wallypug to become a traitor, and sell the kingdom for the sake of a horse?” said the Crow, referring to his paper.
“Certainly not!” I cried emphatically.
[85]
“Well, they say you did, anyhow,” said the Crow, “and they intend to chop off your head and the Wallypug’s too. It won’t matter you not having a hat then,” he continued grimly.
“But you don’t mean it, surely!” I exclaimed. “They certainly can’t be so ridiculous as to treat the affair seriously.”
“Well, you see,” said the bird, “things without doubt look very black against you. ”

“ Slowly the mighty procession, with its innumerable squadrons and bands passed, and at last, after the English and Foreign princes and Eastern potentates, the eight cream-coloured Hanoverian horses, drawing the Jubilee landau, made their appearance, and the Queen was seen, smiling and bowing graciously to the cheering populace. The Doctor-in-Law, in his excitement, scrambled on to the window ledge in order to obtain a better view; the Wallypug loyally waved his crown ”

“ A poor sweep lay flat upon the floor, with the Wallypug sitting upon him, and One-and-Nine keeping guard; while the Doctor-in-Law and A. Fish, Esq., examined his bag of soot in the corner. The poor little Rhymester summoned up sufficient courage to peep in at the doorway, and stood there making a piteous picture, with his white face and trembling limbs. ”

“ I’ve no patience with a man at his time of life repeating poetry. Positively childish, I call it. What was the rubbish?” she demanded, turning to the Wallypug.
“A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse,” began his Majesty, feebly.
[78]
“What!” shrieked the Sister-in-Law, starting up from her seat. “Say that again!”
“‘A-a horse, a horse, my-my kingdom for a horse,’” stammered the Wallypug, nervously.
“Traitor! Monster!” cried the Sister-in-Law furiously. “Hear him!” she screamed. ”

“ The stupid people had mistaken me for a lunatic, and I was no doubt to be locked up here till a doctor arrived.
Of course the only thing for me to do was to sit still and wait as patiently as I could. Fortunately the police people thought of telegraphing to the other stations to find out if anything was known of an escaped lunatic; and from Fulham came the reply, “We have found one ourselves. He calls himself a Wallypug, and is dressed like a second-hand king.” ”

“ Indeed, directly the dog discovered that A. Fish, Esq., was a friend of the Wallypug’s, he went up to him, and grinning in an absurd way, held out a paw to be shaken, which favor, however, was declined by A. Fish, Esq., who evidently regarded these overtures with a certain amount of suspicion, and looked greatly relieved when Ho-Lor and Mi-Hy, seeing that we were engaged with a friend, considerately left us to ourselves, and took Kis-Smee away with them. ”

“ The two birds, which had by this time finished squabbling about the sandwich, were billing and cooing over our heads, and the sight of them seemed suddenly to convince us of the identity of the spot.
“Why, this must be the land of the Willow-pattern plate,” cried his Majesty excitedly.
[118]
“Yes, it is,” admitted Ho-Lor. “Don’t you think it is a very pretty spot?”
“Charming,” declared the Wallypug; “I have often wanted to come here.”
“The real name of the place,” said Ho-Lor, “is Wer-har-wei, and it is a portion of China; but come, you must see our little dog ”

“ EXCLAIMED THE BLUE PEOPLE.
[115]
“Of course not,” said his Majesty, kindly.
“But kings always chop off people’s heads, don’t they?” cried the little people, anxiously.
“Oh dear no,” said the Wallypug.
“Get up; or you’ll spoil your clothes. Could we have a cup of tea, please? We are rather fatigued with our long journey.” ”

“ We must escape at once if we would save our necks. Fortunately, I have just remembered that this dungeon is connected with the shute which the late Wallypug had constructed between here and Ling Choo, in China, which is on the other side of the world—it is enormously long and very steep, but quite safe—we must use it in order to get away. ”

“ I cried.
“Yes,” replied the poor Wallypug. “He offered to tell me all about them for sixpence, and as I was really very curious to know I gave it to him, and then he informed me that they were a peculiar race of people who came from Coventry, and who were all born with wheels instead of legs.”
[Pg 21] “Take your old sixpence then, if you are going to make all that fuss about it,” said the Doctor-in-Law, crossly, throwing the coin down on the table and walking out of the room in a huff. ”

“ I replied, “you shouldn’t be so silly as to give him money. You ought to know by this time what to expect from him.”
“No, but truly,” said the Doctor-in-Law, pulling a serious face, “I have got some news, the other was only my fun. A lady is going to call on us at eleven, to interview the Wallypug. ”

“ Kis-Smee turned out to be one of the mildest and best-behaved of dogs.
He made great friends with the Wallypug at once, and clumsily gamboled, or, as his Majesty explained it, “flumped,” about him in the most friendly manner.
“He doesn’t take to strangers as a rule,” said Ho-Lor, “but he certainly seems to have taken a fancy to you.”
“He is a beautiful creature,” said his Majesty, politely patting the huge animal a little nervously. ”

“ An hour passed and there was no signs of [Pg 61] the Wallypug. I now began to get seriously anxious.
It would, of course, be the easiest thing in the world for his Majesty to take the wrong ’bus, and be taken goodness knows where.
I couldn’t think what was best to be done. The Rhymester suggested sending the Crier out, but I never remembered having seen one at Kensington, and at last, after searching for some time ourselves in Kensington Gardens, and making inquiries in High Street, and failing to glean any tidings of his Majesty, I thought it best to go to the Police Station. ”

“ Amongst others is a cheque of the Doctor-in-Law’s for a considerable amount; which, however, I shall never be able to cash, as it is drawn upon the bank of, “Don’t-you-wish-you-may-get-it,” at Why.
General Mary Jane was inconsolable for some time after the departure of her soldier hero, but eventually married our milkman, a [Pg 174] very steady and respectable man in the neighbourhood. Girlie and Boy and many other friends of the Wallypug greatly regretted that they were unable to say good-bye to his Majesty before he left ”

“ The attitude in which I was slipping down the shute was a most uncomfortable one, but after a considerable time I managed to turn over on to my back, and eventually to twist around, till, at any rate, I was traveling feet foremost, which was some slight consolation, although [95] naturally I was dreadfully concerned as to what was to be our fate at the other end of our journey. “Slipping along at this rate,” I thought, “we shall probably be smashed to a jelly when we do arrive at the bottom. At any rate I shall, for the Wallypug and the carpet-bag are bound to descend upon my devoted head.” ”

“ There were several magazines in the study, and I suggested that the Rhymester should make a list of the addresses of the various editors, and he was busy about that till luncheon time.
At half-past two the carriage came to the door, and goodness only knows what General Mary Jane must have told the livery stable people about the Wallypug, for, evidently anxious to send an equipage worthy of royalty, they had painted an enormous monogram in gold on the sides of the carriage, while the [Pg 29] coachman was resplendent in blue plush and gold lace, with silk stockings and a powdered wig. ”

“ The funniest part of it all was, we kept coming to ‘Holman’s Mustard’ over and over again. I can’t think how on earth the people know when to get out.”
“Why, those weren’t the names of the stations at all,” laughed Boy. “They were advertisements!”
“Well, where were the names of the stations then?” demanded his Majesty.
“Why, in big letters on the walls of course,” was the reply.
“They couldn’t have been much bigger than those of ‘Holman’s Mustard,’” persisted the Wallypug somewhat ungrammatically.
“Never mind about that; get on with your story,” remarked the Doctor-in-Law impatiently. ”

“ It was very remarkable to notice though, that directly the article of the Duchess’s appeared, invitations from all sorts of grand people poured in upon us—and the daily papers suddenly woke up to the fact that the Wallypug and his suite were very important personages, and devoted whole columns to “Our Mysterious Foreign Guests,” as they called them.
the sagacious pussy
There was always more or less of a crowd outside the house now, and when his Majesty drove in the Park, the people all stood up on the little green seats to get a better view of him as he passed. ”

“ He must be getting quite an old man by now,” said the Doctor-in-Law, vaguely.
“He’s dead,” said A. Fish, Esq., solemnly.
“Dear me! poor fellow! what did he die of?”
“Don’t ask such a lot of silly questions,” interrupted the Sister-in-Law, impatiently; “get on with the business. What has A. Fish to say on behalf of the Wallypug? that is the question.”
“He’s gettig od very dicely with his recitig,” insisted A. Fish, Esq. “He was repeatig a speech from Richard III. to us this bordig whed the breakfast bell rang, ad that’s why we were late at table.” ”

“ We were astonished to see the Doctor-in-Law in his dressing-gown and slippers, in busy consultation with Oom-Hi, the Kangaroo, and the Cockatoo.— Page 184.
Wallypugland.
[185]
“But,” I objected, “what do you claim that ‘Wallypug’s Blush’ does?”
“Oh, it restores people with blue complexions to their natural color, you know.”
“But surely there will be a very limited sale,” I said; “there cannot be very many people with blue faces, you know.” ”

“ The Crow had scarcely left the room when there was another knock, and without waiting for a reply the Cockatoo burst into the room in a fine fluster. She was followed by the Kangaroo and Oom Hi.
“Look at them! Look at them!” she blurted out, “did you ever see such objects in all your life. What a color!”
“Hm! Eggshell blue,” said the Kangaroo, examining the Wallypug critically. “Very extraordinary tint. Never seen a face that shade before.”
“The other one is worse,” declared the Cockatoo, pointing at me derisively. “I always knew [166] he was something disreputable. ”

“ I asked.
“we’ve caught him!”
“Av ye plaze, sor,” groaned the man, panting beneath the Wallypug’s weight, “I have been doing nothing at all, at all. I waz just [Pg 157] a-finishin’ me warrak of swapin’ the chimneys, wen one ov the ould gintleman came up an’ poked me in the nose with a sthick, and the other ould gintleman knocked me over and sthole me bag, while the soger hild me down till the other gintleman sat on me—it’s among a lot of murtherin’ thaves I’ve got entoirely, savin’ yer presince, sor.”
“The man is a burglar,” declared the Doctor-in-Law emphatically. ”