Adolphus Charles Troughton

“ Never mind, Rebecca, I have seen enough of you to think that you will suit me, so I shall take you all the same. When can you come?
REBECCA. Thank you, ma’am—thank you! When you like, ma’am—now, directly.
MRS. BROWN. No, not till to-morrow—not till you have given Mrs. Bobbins proper notice.
REBECCA. Yes, ma’am—thank you, ma’am. (to BOBBINS) You ought to be ashamed of yourself, sir, that you ought—an old gentleman like you!
AUGUS. Silence, Rebecca! If any one should call while I am out, tell them to wait—I shan’t be long. I have the honour to wish you a good morning, Mrs. Duval. ”

“ MRS. SWEET. Nonsense, Loo, it isn’t worth a tear, and you know I have always told you it is all your own fault. You don’t go the right way to work with him. I tell you what it is, my dear, you are too amiable by half, both at home and abroad; but don’t alarm yourself, there is no great harm done, if we can only keep the knowledge of all this ridiculous nonsense from our husbands; but judging from Mr. Short’s delightful air just now I am not quite sure that that will be altogether so easy, but mind, ma’am, no more persecutions, no more flirting. ”

“ Mr. Fastman!
FAST. (L.) Yes, my charmer, I am here! Don’t be afraid!
MRS. BOBBINS. (astonished) What do you mean, sir?
FAST. Come, come, don’t let there be any more of this prudery. I’m sure you’ll give me the preference—you wouldn’t make a comparison between a young fellow like me and such an old Guy Fawkes as Bobbins?
MRS. BOBBINS. How dare you, sir, speak of my husband in this disrespectful manner?
FAST. Your husband! Come, come, that’s a little too good, Constantia. I know all about that.
MRS. BOBBINS. Constantia! You impertinent young man!
FAST. Yes, Constantia—dear Constantia! ”

“ What did you give her my bouquet for?
SWEET. This bouquet! that you have been feasting your eyes on ever since I have been in the room: that you haven’t had a minute out of your hand! Give it to me! (snatching it out of her hand) See how I prize it too! (he raises his arm, and is about to dash it violently to the ground)
SHORT. (crossing to SWEET, and seizing hold of his arm) Stop—stop, I say! What are you about? Don’t destroy my wife’s bouquet!
SWEET. (after a pause of amazement) What’s that? Your—your wife’s bouquet? Do you mean to say that this—this bouquet belongs to Mrs. Short? ”

“ SWEET. Zounds, ma’am! a man may be wounded without having all his bones broken—besides, I am not obliged to give a reason—I don’t choose to go, and I request you not to go either—I order you not to go!
MRS. SWEET. Oh, very well, sir, as you please, of course; but since you feel yourself so very, very ill, why on earth don’t you go to bed?
SWEET. Because I prefer to sit up. (sits, R.)
MRS. SWEET. Then you must allow me to say that your not going to-night is a mere caprice, you would be just as well at the opera as sitting up in this room. ”

“ MRS. BROWN. Alas? Why, you ought to be delighted! (sadly) How fortunate Mrs. Bobbins is to be happy at home with her husband. Ah, how I envy her.
AUGUS. (delighted) Envy her! Mrs. Duval!
MRS. BROWN. I do, indeed, with all my heart.
AUGUS. (endeavouring to put his arm round her waist) Dear Mrs. Duval! Oh, these words—this tender confession!
MRS. BROWN. (retiring, L.) Why, Mr. Bobbins, are you taking leave of your senses? If you wish me to remain in this room, sir, you must restrain yourself within proper bounds.
AUGUS. Bounds, madam! There are no bounds to the emotions of the heart. ”

“ REBECCA. Lor, sir! why should you want to know? Missus has come home—she came home this morning.
FAST. No! you don’t say so! Where is she?
REBECCA. Where is she?—why, where should she be? In the next room, at breakfast with her husband, to be sure.
FAST. The deuce she is! Don’t talk so loud.
[Pg 4]
REBECCA. Why not? I’m not ashamed of what I’m saying.
FAST. Come home at last, then. Ah! (sighs) your mistress is a beautiful woman, Rebecca.
REBECCA. Beautiful?—that depends upon opinion; for my part, I don’t like tall women.
FAST. I admire tall women. ”

“ I’ll be as much master in my own house as you are—every jot as much. Who the devil are you that you should carry it over me in this sort of way? Do you hear what I say, Short? I insist upon being as much minded as you are, sir? I insist upon it! What can I do to show my authority? I have it! I won’t go to the opera to-night!—I won’t dine at Billington’s—what do I care for his mock turtle!—d—n his milk punch! I know she has set her heart upon it, but I won’t go. There’ll be a precious kick up. She’ll fly into a passion—fall a crying—perhaps, have a fit—and shall I give way? ”

“ MRS. BOBBINS. Amusement! Do you think it’s any amusement to me to be worried out of my life with lawyers, and business I don’t understand? There’s a fresh difficulty now about a cousin abroad. If you were like other husbands, you would never suffer a young and pretty wife, more than twenty years your junior, to travel about alone.
AUGUS. Oh, my dear, I have a thorough confidence in you—there’s a rigidity of propriety about your deportment, that will always act as an efficient safeguard in the hour of danger. ”

“ Sweet, pray—
SWEET. (interrupting her, and crossing to L.) No, Mrs. Short—I appeal to you—I appeal to you, ma’am—suppose this misfortune had happened to Short, do you think for one moment that you would have been capable of such behaviour? (crosses to R.)
SHORT. Ah, Sweet!—but there’s no arguing by comparisons—all women are not of the same sensitive disposition as my Louisa. I flatter myself they don’t all feel things alike.
MRS. SHORT. But Fanny is the most affectionate creature in the world, and I am sure, Mr. Sweet, is very sincerely attached to you. ”

“ MRS. BOBBINS. (to VANDYKE) Let me alone, sir! let me alone! Augustus, come to my assistance! Why do you suffer him to treat me like this?
(BOBBINS turns his back to her indignantly.)
VAN. It’s all fair! Exchange is no robbery! He takes my wife—I take his. You see your husband does not object.
AUGUS. Not I! As she has two husbands already, she may as well take a third. Clap hands and a bargain—I agree to the chop. (meets in centre and shake hands)
[Pg 26]
MRS. BOBBINS. (crying and crossing to L. C.) Oh, oh, Augustus! what, desert me after all my forbearance and exemplary conduct? ”

“ SWEET. What a treasure you have in that woman, Short—she is a perfect pattern—a model—an incomparable model of conjugal devotedness. It’s a good thing for you I didn’t see her first. (sits on sofa, C.)
SHORT. My dear friend, women are neither more nor less than what we make them, at least in marriage. Louisa was not always the docile obedient wife you now see her, not of course till all the tomfoolery of the honeymoon was over, and I began to take the proper tone. ”

“ MRS. SWEET. (smiling) Oh come, William, I am not quite so sure about that. Now the danger is over we can afford, you know, to laugh at it. (playfully) You were not at all alarmed, were you, dear? Ha, ha! and the droll manner in which you fell, ha, ha!
SHORT. Exactly; it certainly broke his fall, and the dog’s back at the same time. Much better than falling the other way. Ha, ha, ha!
MRS. SWEET. (with good-humoured merriment) Ha, ha, ha! Only picture to yourselves my husband’s attitude after his descent, comfortably sitting in the middle of the road without his hat. Ha, ha, ha! ”

“ Very well, I’ll wait for him. (takes off morning gown, and throws it on table, R.)
REBECCA. Won’t you take your breakfast, sir? it’s all getting cold.
VAN. Don’t talk to me of breakfast! Stay! on second thoughts I don’t know! I must keep up my strength! Nourish my revenge! Not eat my breakfast! I’ll go into training like a prize fighter! eat raw beefsteaks every day for a month, and then come down upon him like the Gladiator! (striking the attitude) Or Alcides throwing Lychas into the sea! (attitude) Look out for yourself, Bobbins! ”

“ What do I care for your mahogany? Look here! D—n your mahogany! (throws down arm chair) D—n your mahogany!
(takes all the furniture in succession, chairs, table, R.—at last takes a bust from R. table, close to scene, and throws it out at back of folding doors—crash is heard, while BOBBINS is speaking.
AUGUS. Be quiet, I say. Let the furniture alone. You are mad—yes, you are gone out of your senses! Will you hear me?
VAN. (R.) No, I won’t! Mark me! I give you one quarter of an hour—one quarter of an hour to take your things away. ”

“ Fanny, how can you! pray put it back again!
MRS. SWEET. (continuing to read) “If you grant my request carry the bouquet of violets to-night, (she stops and looks at MRS. SHORT’S bouquet, then goes on) which I have taken measures for your receiving from a safe hand which can awaken no suspicion.” An extraordinary epistle! (to MRS. SHORT, who is in great confusion, and hangs down her head) That bouquet!—those conscious blushes! Very pretty, upon my honour! Louisa, what am I to think of all this? ”

“ MRS. SWEET is seen, R., arranging the remains of a luncheon, from which she and MRS. SHORT are supposed to have just risen—MRS. SHORT sitting working at table, L.
MRS. SWEET. That tiresome husband of mine! What has he done with himself?
MRS. SHORT. Compose yourself, my dear; men of business, you know, are not always their own masters. My good man, you see, has not found his way back yet.
MRS. SWEET. Ah, you quite spoil Mr. Short. You know we don’t agree upon that subject. (calls) Come, come, William, come and take your lunch!
SWEET. (within, R. door) In one minute, my dear. ”

“ Clever creature! she can turn her hand to anything—Berlin wool, potichomania, crotchet, embroidery— By the way, I begin to suspect that name of hers, Duval, is only assumed—she doesn’t look to me at all like a Frenchwoman—and the only approach to anything in the shape of a husband I have been able to discover, is this morning gown, which I found one morning over a chair back in her room, and which, in a moment of pecuniary pressure, I induced her to sell me for about four times its value. ”

“ Sweet will make more than one wry face when he comes to sit down to dinner. (seeing his wife) Why, Loo, I am afraid you don’t stay at home with a good grace.
MRS. SHORT. Oh don’t say so, I am sure I am always delighted to be with you—besides, it is no less a duty than (in a lower tone) a pleasure to me.
SHORT. (eating heartily all the while he is talking) Now, I ask you if we are not ten times better off comfortably at home here with a good luncheon before us, than if we were jolting about on the backs of those brutes, exposed all the while to the danger—why, my dear, you are in a brown study. ”

“ My heart beats like one of the drums I left behind me, at the thought of meeting my wife again after the best part of a twelvemonth’s chequered absence in the Crimea—driven from my native land and the cultivation of the classic style of art, by the detestable envy of the Royal Academicians, the cupidity of the butcher, and the rapacity of the baker. ”

“ SHORT. Ah, this comes of steady men of business taking to riding, when they’re turned of five and forty! Poor fellow, poor fellow!
Enter SWEET, L. C., frightened out of his wits, leaning on his wife and STEPHEN, apparently in great pain—MRS. SHORT and SHORT run to meet him.
SWEET. Oh, oh!
SHORT. My dear friend, what is it, tell me!
SWEET. (in a feeble voice) Thrown—thrown from my horse.
MRS. SWEET. (with the greatest solicitude and affection) My poor husband! Quick, quick, the sofa! (STEPHEN wheels sofa to C.) Lay him on the sofa!—gently!—there place you head upon my arm. ”

“ That rascally interloper, Bobbins.
REBECCA. The good for nothing old fellow!
FAST. You amaze me! It’s incredible!
VAN. If he attempt to expostulate—mind, this is your answer—I have the authority of her husband.
FAST. But my dear sir, suppose—
VAN. Now don’t suppose, Fastman—I can’t bear it. Remember that’s your answer—I have the authority of her husband. You shall revenge me! Cut him out, Fastman! Spit at him! kick him! pull his nose! while I go into training, in order that I may finish him! Spifflicate him! pulverise him! Don’t speak. (crosses to C.) You have your full instructions. ”