Adolphus Charles Troughton

“ What did you give her my bouquet for?
SWEET. This bouquet! that you have been feasting your eyes on ever since I have been in the room: that you haven’t had a minute out of your hand! Give it to me! (snatching it out of her hand) See how I prize it too! (he raises his arm, and is about to dash it violently to the ground)
SHORT. (crossing to SWEET, and seizing hold of his arm) Stop—stop, I say! What are you about? Don’t destroy my wife’s bouquet!
SWEET. (after a pause of amazement) What’s that? Your—your wife’s bouquet? Do you mean to say that this—this bouquet belongs to Mrs. Short? ”

“ I’ll be as much master in my own house as you are—every jot as much. Who the devil are you that you should carry it over me in this sort of way? Do you hear what I say, Short? I insist upon being as much minded as you are, sir? I insist upon it! What can I do to show my authority? I have it! I won’t go to the opera to-night!—I won’t dine at Billington’s—what do I care for his mock turtle!—d—n his milk punch! I know she has set her heart upon it, but I won’t go. There’ll be a precious kick up. She’ll fly into a passion—fall a crying—perhaps, have a fit—and shall I give way? ”

“ SWEET. What a treasure you have in that woman, Short—she is a perfect pattern—a model—an incomparable model of conjugal devotedness. It’s a good thing for you I didn’t see her first. (sits on sofa, C.)
SHORT. My dear friend, women are neither more nor less than what we make them, at least in marriage. Louisa was not always the docile obedient wife you now see her, not of course till all the tomfoolery of the honeymoon was over, and I began to take the proper tone. ”

“ Sweet, pray—
SWEET. (interrupting her, and crossing to L.) No, Mrs. Short—I appeal to you—I appeal to you, ma’am—suppose this misfortune had happened to Short, do you think for one moment that you would have been capable of such behaviour? (crosses to R.)
SHORT. Ah, Sweet!—but there’s no arguing by comparisons—all women are not of the same sensitive disposition as my Louisa. I flatter myself they don’t all feel things alike.
MRS. SHORT. But Fanny is the most affectionate creature in the world, and I am sure, Mr. Sweet, is very sincerely attached to you. ”

“ MRS. SWEET. (smiling) Oh come, William, I am not quite so sure about that. Now the danger is over we can afford, you know, to laugh at it. (playfully) You were not at all alarmed, were you, dear? Ha, ha! and the droll manner in which you fell, ha, ha!
SHORT. Exactly; it certainly broke his fall, and the dog’s back at the same time. Much better than falling the other way. Ha, ha, ha!
MRS. SWEET. (with good-humoured merriment) Ha, ha, ha! Only picture to yourselves my husband’s attitude after his descent, comfortably sitting in the middle of the road without his hat. Ha, ha, ha! ”

“ Fanny, how can you! pray put it back again!
MRS. SWEET. (continuing to read) “If you grant my request carry the bouquet of violets to-night, (she stops and looks at MRS. SHORT’S bouquet, then goes on) which I have taken measures for your receiving from a safe hand which can awaken no suspicion.” An extraordinary epistle! (to MRS. SHORT, who is in great confusion, and hangs down her head) That bouquet!—those conscious blushes! Very pretty, upon my honour! Louisa, what am I to think of all this? ”

“ Sweet will make more than one wry face when he comes to sit down to dinner. (seeing his wife) Why, Loo, I am afraid you don’t stay at home with a good grace.
MRS. SHORT. Oh don’t say so, I am sure I am always delighted to be with you—besides, it is no less a duty than (in a lower tone) a pleasure to me.
SHORT. (eating heartily all the while he is talking) Now, I ask you if we are not ten times better off comfortably at home here with a good luncheon before us, than if we were jolting about on the backs of those brutes, exposed all the while to the danger—why, my dear, you are in a brown study. ”

“ SHORT. Ah, this comes of steady men of business taking to riding, when they’re turned of five and forty! Poor fellow, poor fellow!
Enter SWEET, L. C., frightened out of his wits, leaning on his wife and STEPHEN, apparently in great pain—MRS. SHORT and SHORT run to meet him.
SWEET. Oh, oh!
SHORT. My dear friend, what is it, tell me!
SWEET. (in a feeble voice) Thrown—thrown from my horse.
MRS. SWEET. (with the greatest solicitude and affection) My poor husband! Quick, quick, the sofa! (STEPHEN wheels sofa to C.) Lay him on the sofa!—gently!—there place you head upon my arm. ”

“ MRS. SWEET is seen, R., arranging the remains of a luncheon, from which she and MRS. SHORT are supposed to have just risen—MRS. SHORT sitting working at table, L.
MRS. SWEET. That tiresome husband of mine! What has he done with himself?
MRS. SHORT. Compose yourself, my dear; men of business, you know, are not always their own masters. My good man, you see, has not found his way back yet.
MRS. SWEET. Ah, you quite spoil Mr. Short. You know we don’t agree upon that subject. (calls) Come, come, William, come and take your lunch!
SWEET. (within, R. door) In one minute, my dear. ”

“ Don’t get up! you’ll hurt yourself—here, take this footstool.
SHORT. (rubbing his leg, and putting it on footstool, and then sits, L.) Ah! that’s better! That’s more comfortable! (aside) If that silly fellow, Sweet, could but see me! (aloud) I am as snug now as a bug in a rug—what would poor Sweet give to exchange places with me—this spring cushion instead of a hard saddle, and his leg up at his ease!—talking of him reminds me you haven’t told me who’s their friend this morning? (she seems to hesitate) What don’t you know?
MRS. SHORT. (confused) Yes, oh yes—Mr. Billington, I believe. ”

“ MRS. SHORT. (getting uneasy) If you talk so much you’ll spoil your luncheon.
SHORT. Well, I don’t know how it is but my appetite’s beginning to fail.
MRS. SHORT. (bustling about the table to draw off his attention) Have a glass of sherry—here, let me pour some out for you. (pours out wine for him, and goes round to the R. of SHORT)
SHORT. Well, I have rather a weakness for a glass of sherry. (having drank it) Another. (she pours out another—aside) If Sweet could but see me now! (aloud) What a nice little parlour maid you would make, Loo—why you are prettier than ever! ”

“ SHORT. Of course not, I never think of quarrelling with my wife, and as to violence, I hate it—on the contrary, I sometimes show her little delicate attentions which women know well how to appreciate—for instance, she is going to the Opera to-night—well, what do I do? Why I send up to Covent Garden market, and buy her a bouquet. Billington was going to buy some for himself, and I entrusted him with the commission. (SWEET rises and runs, C.) Where are you going? ”

“ My dear Fanny, now do be reasonable—you are not going to take offence without a cause?—a mere word in joke—Mr. Sweet was only in fun—were you, Mr. Sweet? After all Mr. Billington’s politeness too, surely you’ll go, it would seem so personal.
SWEET. To be sure! Insult a man like Billington! One of the first houses in the City! Most respectable delightful creature [Pg 6] like Billington! Why, he keeps two carriages, a couple of saddle horses, and a buggy! ”

“ SWEET. Do you think so? Well, perhaps you are right. (gives SHORT the book)
SHORT. Leave me to deal with her alone, Sweet; you are not fit to be trusted just at present. Go and dress, go to your own room, and endeavour to calm yourself.
SWEET. Calm myself? Ha, ha! I have a good mind to [Pg 25] jump out of the window! Don’t leave me long, or I shall do myself a mischief—I’m in a state of desperation. (seizes a knife from the table—SHORT takes it from him—exit through door, R.)
SHORT. Poor fellow, he’s in a pitiable condition ”

“ SHORT. If you only keep your word you’ll be sure to succeed.
SWEET. Oh, I have been too much of a nincompoop all this while—too good-natured—too indulgent—too——
SHORT. Hush, they’ll hear you! Here they come—now mind.
SWEET. (L.) Don’t you trouble yourself, I’m just in the humour for her!
Enter MRS. SWEET and MRS. SHORT, door, L. 2 E.—MARIA following with an evening dress on her arm—STEPHEN enters, L. C., and wheels back sofa to R. in flat.
MRS. SHORT. Never mind, Fanny—why, what a child you are—don’t let the dress put you out of temper, I am sure I can alter it for you. ”

“ MRS. SWEET. There, now, you’re going to torment yourself about that. Why don’t you treat these things as I do? You are always in a state of adoration of your husband—to his face, too. It is really very absurd of you, and is quite spoiling him—besides, it is not only bad policy as far are you are concerned, [Pg 26] but it does me a positive injury also. Here have I had a regular scene with William, and have been indulged with some charming comparisons in your favour. (she carelessly opens the book, and looks at the pictures) Oh, come, you have succeeded most admirably with my dress. ”

“ MRS. SHORT. Well, Henry, dear, I didn’t think you would—
SHORT. You know, Louisa, I am not fond of equestrian exercise. I never even go to Astley’s—but since you have been at the trouble of dressing yourself, why I suppose I mustn’t disappoint Mrs. Sweet and her husband.
MRS. SHORT. (pleased) Thank you, Harry, that’s kind.
SWEET. (aside) There’s five pounds in my pocket.
SHORT. (ill-humouredly) At the same time, of course, it will be very dull and uncomfortable for me to be left all alone here [Pg 9] while you are out pleasuring—just like you wives, you always think of yourselves first. ”

“ You that makes all the difference, Short. We have friends waiting for us. Stephen, you can tell the man to take back only two of the horses.
STEPHEN. Yes, sir.
Exit, L. C.
MRS. SWEET. There, that’s like a man of sense; you may give me a kiss, and then get your hat, and let us be off.
SWEET. Certainly, Fanny, that habit of yours is monstrously becoming to you! (kisses her—aside) That’s all very well in its way, but I’m a great ass for my pains notwithstanding.
MRS. SWEET. Now, then, are you ready?
SWEET. (putting on his hat and taking his whip) Good bye, [Pg 11] Short, take care of yourself. ”

“ MRS. SWEET. Vexatious! We shan’t get the things cleared away all day.
Enter MR. SWEET, door, R. 2 E.
SWEET. Sorry to keep you waiting—couldn’t help it, upon my honour. Just as I was leaving the office, as the deuce would have it, in came a gentleman on business—large transfer of stock, &c. &c.—and so I lost the train. Never mind, there’s plenty of time, so I’ll just snap up a bit of something, and be ready in the crack of a whip. (sit at table, R., and eats voraciously)
MRS. SWEET. Why, how you are eating, William! One would think you hadn’t tasted anything before to-day. ”

“ SWEET. No, no—I’ll undertake to persuade him when he comes in. (STEPHEN is seen to cross C. from R. to L.) Isn’t that Stephen going down stairs? Here, Stephen.
Enter STEPHEN, L. C.
Step over the way, to the livery stables, and tell them to send round the horses I chose on my way to town this morning—then go on to Mr. Billington’s—my compliments, and we shall be happy to join him this afternoon for a ride, at the appointed time—two o’clock. ”

“ Enter MRS. SHORT, in hat and riding habit, through door, L. 1 E.
MRS. SHORT. Well, here you are, my dear, at last. (with marked playfulness patting his cheek) You naughty hubby to be so late. (crosses to SHORT)
SHORT. Yes, Loo, here I am, very tired, I can tell you, and ravenous for something to eat.
MRS. SHORT. Oh, dear, dear, what can I tell them to get you?
SHORT. Never mind, there is something coming—I have taken care of myself—but, bless my heart, Loo, how smart you are! Why, you look as if you were going to “ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross.”
MRS. SHORT. (timidly) Fanny and Mr. ”

“ Because of the quality of the microcopy, the transcription was checked against a copy owned by Fordham University, a digitized version of which is posted by the Internet Archive at:
archive.org/details/TroughtonShortSweet
In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting, punctuation and spelling of the source text. Thus, variant spellings such as “lieve,” “doat,” “one’self,” and “extacies” as well as words and spellings intended for comic effect such as “horrorble” and “tremengeous” have been retained. ”

“ The gentlemen are bewitched, I think—my good man in not in a very amiable frame of mind either. Ah, well, we must leave them alone, and they’ll come round at their leisure, I suppose.
MRS. SHORT. (anxiously) What can be the reason, I wonder? ”