George P. Seiler

“ Miss G. Yes, but there seems to be very few sensible men. There is art in a good complexion.
Case. And what art rivals nature? A little powder may change a complexion, but what art equals nature in her many changes? Take a waterfall for instance; how beautiful nature has made it, and then along comes winter and changes it into ice. What a remarkable change takes place.
Weber (sighing) . Ah me, dat’s right:—
When water is changed into ice,
Note de remarkable change in price.
Ruff. You shouldn’t mind dat pessimist, Miss Gotrox; he is always down in de mouth. ”

“ A Farcical Comedy in Three Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Six males, four females. Modern costumes. Scene, an interior, the same for all three acts. Plays a full evening. A lively, up to-date farce, easy to produce and full of laughs from beginning to end. All the parts good—no small ones. German comedy characters for both male and female, and “wild west” character part and English character comedy. ”

“ What does she look like?
Nutt. Look like? She’s a perfect creation. (With sentiment.) The Great Creator formed all other women first so that He’d have the thing down to perfection when He came to her. ”

“ Six males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenes, an interior and an exterior, or can be played in two interiors. Plays two hours or more. Combines a strong sympathetic interest with an abundance of comedy. The parts are unusually equal in opportunity, are vigorously drawn and easily actable. No dialect parts, but plenty of variety in the comedy roles and lots of amusing incident. Can be strongly recommended. ”

“ When you feel down in the mouth, think of Jonah; he came out all right.
Case. Miss Gotrox, what do you think Jonah thought when he found himself inside the whale?
Weber (interrupting) . I bet he thought he went to sleep inside a foldin’ bed en she closed up.
Tony. ’At’s da madda you? You make-a fuss all-a time. You make-a fuss you no gotta fuss-a fuss about.
Case. That’s what I say, Tony. (To Weber.) How do you think men live in a submarine?
Hans. Yah—dot’s right; yoost tink of all der varter around dem. I bet many of dem dies vrom humidity. ”

“ Iss id dot you means to tell us dot der longest sentence of der language has only von vord in id?
Weber. I mean to expostulate dat de longest sentence in de world has only one word therein it.
Case. And what’s that?
Weber. Life.
Enter Miss Gotrox and Gretch, L. 1 E.
Hans (smiling and bowing) . Aha, Miss Gotrox, you iss all dressed up now already yet.
Miss G. Yes; do I look nice enough to go promenading?
Hans. Ach, yes, I bane like you all in vite. Vite hat, vite dress—vite shoes, vite sdockings.
Gretch. I bane tink mosquitoes vould nod bite a lady ven she haf vite sdockings on. ”

“ School Opera. 5 boys, 3 girls. Jack and the Beanstalk. 3 boys, 3 girls. Bouquet of Rose Spirits. 8 boys, 18 girls. Pat’s Excuse. 1 boy, 1 girl. Grammar School Fun. 17 boys, 27 girls. A Temperance Frolic. 3 boys, 2 girls, and chorus. CLEVER COMEDIES
For Female Characters
A Collection of Selected Entertainments for Ladies Only by Popular Authors
This collection gives an admirable opportunity to make choice at a small cost of an entertainment for schools or amateur theatricals. All the pieces that it contains have been successful as independent books and are very varied in casts and character. ”

“ During song Weber turns up wick of oil lamp that has been burning on counter until it smokes freely.)
Case. Landlord, how old is that lamp you have on the counter?
Hans. Den years.
Ruff. Well, put it out, landlord, it’s too young to smoke.
(Hans blows over the top so hard that Tony’s hat blows off.)
Tony (recovering hat) . ’At’s da madda? Man-a gotta plenty puff.
Case. Plenty puff?
Tony. Yes-a plenty puff. Shoota plenty wind.
Ruff. “Vox preterea nihil.”
Case. What’s that?
Weber. All hot air.
Hans. Ach, dot hot air minds me of dose Durks in swimmin’. ”

“ Tony (to Weber, who has posed rather sullenly) . ’At’s da madda?
Weber (stepping over Case’s grip) . I’se jes’ gittin’ over de grip. No, I’ll tell you. Ma gal’s daddy give her an automobile.
Case. Well, what’s that got to do with your being sick?
Weber. Well, dat gal jes’ loves dat machine to deaf; she ain’t got no time fer me.
Ruff. Gentlemen, there’s another instance where man is being replaced by machine.
Case. Man is little more than a monkey, anyhow.
Hans. Yah? Und how’s dot? ”

“ Weber. Say, talkin’ ’bout dat ole man. De odder day I had him out wif me an’ I los’ him in de crowd. I went up to a policeman and I axes him: “Hofficer, I’m looking for a little man wif one eye.” What do you think dat ole fool tole me? He said: “Mose, if he’s so small, why don’t you use two eyes?”
Hop (entering L. 1 E.) . Sir, a gentleman in the dining-room sends his compliments and says the steak he is eating is the first tender steak he has ever eaten here.
Hans. Ach himmel—dot feller got mine steak. ”

“ Hans. Vy, she growed into a cat.
Weber. Dat’s jes’ de trouble wif women.
Case. Do they grow into cats?
Tony. ’At’s da madda? You talk-a about da lady?
Weber. Well, firs’ dey is jes’ spring chickens, den dey’s suffragettes, den dey’s get to be ole hens.
Tony. You no like-a suffamayettes?
Weber. I should say not.
Case. Why are you so set against suffragettes?
Weber. Why, man, women ain’t got the intellectual habilitation ter hash up de political problems ob state. Even we men don’t know what we’re talkin’ ’bout half de time when we’s discussin’ politics. ”

“ Hans. Go tell him a microbe couldn’t live on his salary.
[Exit Hop, R. 1 E.
Weber. Say, Tony, dat’s a beautiful fitting suit you have on.
Tony. ’At’s da madda? Dees-a suit made by-a London tailor.
Weber. I thought so. Those London tailors couldn’t make a coat of paint fit a hen-coop.
Hop (coming to door excitedly) . Sir, there’s a big accident down at the corner.
Hans. Yah? Vass iss?
Hop. An aviator killed a cow. (Runs off.)
Ruff. (as all start to run off) . Hold on, gentlemen. What’s the use of going? The aviator is not guilty.
[Pg 11]
Case. Of course he is. ”

“ Hans. You vass tinking of matrimony, den?
Miss G. Yes.
Ruff. Have you had any experience with children?
Weber. What a foolish question. Wasn’t she a child once herself?
Case. Has the young man any accomplishments?
[Pg 17]
Miss G. Well, he plays the piano very well.
Gretch. I bane tink if dot biano could dalk, it vould say: You haf blayed me false.
Hans. Gretch, you should nod sbeak dot way to Miss Gotrox. She iss a beautiful lady, und voman iss a great creation. Vy—man has taken a voman’s head to decorate our coin. ”

“ Case. Are you married, Tony?
Tony. Yes. I’m-a married.
Case. Any children?
Tony. ’At’s a dat?
Case. Any little boots running around?
Tony. No, no boots, no boots. (Pause.) Shoes.
Case. Oh, I see; all little. All living?
Tony. No, buried one alive.
Case. Buried one alive? Lord, that’s terrible.
Hans. Vell, id iss no joke to be buried dead either.
(Song—Tony.)
Enter Weber Fields, followed by Ruff.
Weber. Right dis-a-way, Count, right dis-a-way. (Hans makes a dash to get behind counter as Ruff. enters pompously.) I reckon dis is de place. (Turns to Hans.) Is diss de Hotel “On-de-Blink”?
Hans. ”