Samuel Low

“ Humphry. I mean the Constitution that you read in the newspapers about; that that your worship was a going to get at loggerheads with old Mr. What's-his-name, about.
Loveyet. I'll old you, you rascal!
Trueman. Did you never hear your friends in the country talk of the new Constitution?
Humphry. Not I, I never heard anybody talk about it, at the Pharisee's Head;—I don't believe Jeremy Stave, the clark of the meeting-house, no, nor Parson Thumpum himself ever heard of such a word—No, not even old Mr. Scourge, the Schoolmaster.
Trueman. A hopeful genius, for a Schoolmaster, upon my education. ”

“ Harriet. Hold, Maria—what a catalogue of uncomfortable comforts have you run over.—Pleasure and Comfort are words which imply the same thing with me; but in this enlighten'd age, when words are so curiously refin'd and defin'd, modern critics and fashionable word-mongers have, in the abundance of their wisdom, made a very nice distinction between them—for my part, I always endeavour to reconcile modish pleasure with real comfort, and custom with reason, as much as is in any way consistent with the obligation one is under to conform a little to the perverse notions of mankind. ”

“ Loveyet. But—but are you in favour of the new Constitution yet?
Charles. At present I can think of no Constitution but that of Love and Matrimony, sir.
Loveyet. And I shall be sorry if your matrimonial Constitution does not prove the better one of the two.—Eigh, Maria?
Worthnought. Dick Worthnought, esquire, thou art an ass and a liar; and, what is worse than both,—as poor as poverty. Oh, Fortune, thou blind disposer of human events, when wilt thou make a man of me? ”

“ Harriet. Pray do not worship me, Mr. Loveyet; I am less generous than you imagine;—self-love is at the bottom of this noble declaration; for if I did not suppose you capable of making me happier than any other man, I would keep both my fortune and my person, to myself.
Loveyet. Better and better!—Your explanation gives me new reason to adore such uncommon worth, and makes me blest beyond measure! By heaven, New-York does not contain such a fortunate fellow! ”

“ Trueman. You talk very valiantly, Mr. Loveyet; very valiantly indeed; I dare say now you have temerity and enterprise enough, even at this time of day, to take a wife.
Loveyet. To be sure I have. Let me see,—I shou'd like a woman an inch or two less than six feet high now, and thick in proportion: By my body, such a woman wou'd look noble by the side of me when she was entient.
Trueman. Oh, monstrous! Entient! an entient woman by the side of an antient husband! ”

“ Humphry. Why, mounsieur, the barber.
Trueman. By the dignity of my profession, it must be so:—Now there's a solution to the enigma.—Mr. Loveyet, you will excuse my mistaking this business so much;—the paltry Frisieur never enter'd my head;—you recollect I gave him a little flagellation this morning.
Loveyet. Yes, and I recollect the occasion too;—this confounded upstart Constitution (that cause of all my crosses and troubles) is at the bottom of every mischief.
Trueman. Yes, your wou'd-be Constitution, has indeed done a deal of mischief. ”

“ Harriet. How can you be so cruel? The pleasure I experience in your society, makes me regret that any one should be deprived of it.
Maria. That is very strange:—I should imagine, if you priz'd my company so much, you would wish me to withhold it from others; because, the more I bless them with my presence, the less will come to your share, you know, my dear;—nor is it easy to conceive how you could be so fond of my sweet person, without being jealous at the partiality of others;—but, after all, good people, they say, are scarce; and my humble admirers shall find the saying verified in me ”

“ Enter Old Loveyet.
Ugh, ugh, ugh,—what a sad rage for novelty there is in this foolish world! How eagerly all your inspectors in the Daily Advertiser, the New-York Packet, and all the long catalogue of advertisers and intelligencers, catch'd at the news of the day just now at the Coffee-House; though a wise man and a king has told them, there's nothing new under the sun. ”

“ Sir, I'd have you to know, sir, that I won't suffer you, sir, to abuse this young lady, sir, in this manner, sir; and, sir—in short, sir, you're a dirty fellow, for your pains, sir.
Humphry. And you're a great litterly lubber, as the saying is; and if you'll be so friendly as for to fetch the mug of ale you promis'd me, I'll lick you out of pure gratitude: have a care—grog makes me fight like a tyger. ”

“ Humphry. Oh dear, oh dear,—what a wise man a Schoolmaster is!
Trueman. How can the States be consolidated and annihilated too? If they are consolidated or compounded into one national mass, surely the individual States cannot be annihilated, for, if they were annihilated, where would be the States to compose a consolidation?—Did you ever study Logic, sir? [Pg 377]
Loveyet. No, but I've studied common sense tho', and that tells me I am right, and consequently you are wrong; there, that's as good logic as yours. ”

“ Harriet. I shall not be base enough to deceive a father, I give you my honour, sir.
Loveyet. I am very much mistaken if you have not given that to somebody already:—A woman's honour is a very perishable commodity; a little thing often spoils it. ”

“ What will this wicked world come to at last!—A good-for-nothing, wanton hussy.
Worthnought. Very true, madam:—by persons of easy notions of virtue, indeed, it would be considered a trifling faux pas, as the French call it; a perfect bagatelle; or, at most, a superficial act of incontinency; but to those who have such rigid notions of virtue as Miss Cantwell, for example, or Miss Herald, or their humble servant; it appears quite another thing, quite another thing, ladies:—though it is one of my foibles;—I own it is a fault to be so intalerably nice about the affairs of women ”

“ Maria. Mercy on me! What can the ugly old mortal mean! It cannot be possible he would have the vanity to propose his odious self.
[Aside.
Loveyet. You must know, madam, my son has lately arrived from the West-Indies—
Maria. Really?—You rejoice me, sir.—Happy, happy Harriet!
Loveyet. Not so happy as you imagine, madam; for she is not to have my son, I assure you; I intend a lady of greater beauty and merit for him, who is not very far from me now,—provided she and her father have no objection.—There I put it home to her [Aside.] . Ugh, ugh. ”

“ Trueman. I know you are not a mathematical line; you are not the twentieth part so straight and well made;—I only wish to convince you that the present government is an ignis fatuus that is leading you and thousands more to ruin.
Loveyet. But I don't choose to be convinc'd by you.
Trueman. No more than you'll be convinc'd you are sixty years old, I suppose.
Loveyet. Now see there again, see there! isn't this enough to try Job's patience? I'll let you know that my bodily and political Constitutions are both good, sir, both sound alike.
Trueman. I know they are. Ha, ha, ha.
Humphry. ”

“ Pardon me, sir;—to a person of penetration, the Yorker is still conspicuous under the disguise of the foreigner; and I am proud to have the hanor of being your countryman, sir.
Loveyet. I fancy the honour is by no means reciprocal.
[Aside.
[Pg 391]
Worthnought. You are acquainted with Miss Harriet Trueman, I presume, Mr. Loveyet.
Loveyet. I was formerly acquainted with the lady.
Worthnought. You must know, sir, that your humble servant has the hanor and felicity of being that lady's very humble admirer.
Loveyet. I dare say she is admired by all who have the pleasure of knowing her. ”

“ My demeanour towards you was nothing but the effect of cheerfulness and politeness; qualities which, I believe, are inherent in me, and of which, therefore, all with whom I am acquainted are the objects; but your present unmanly and insupportably impudent discourse, makes me despise myself almost as much as you, for allowing such a wretch even that small degree of attention which he so illy deserved.
Worthnought. You are very insulting, madam, 'pan hanor.—
Loveyet. How apt such fellows are to have honour in their mouths. ”

“ Frankton has doubtless made a wise choice.
Loveyet. By all that's false, she is concerned at Frankton's having praised his mistress! She absolutely loves him!
[Aside.
Harriet. And you have seen the amiable Miss Airy, sir.
Loveyet. Forgive me, honour and veracity. [Aside.] —Yes, Miss Trueman; and not without a deep sense of her uncommon worth and beauty.
Harriet. I admire your discernment, sir;—Mr. Frankton, too, is a very nice judge of female merit; and he cannot evince his judgment better, than by praising my friend Maria. ”

“ This is only a trick to conceal your inconstancy during his absence; but it is the nature of the sex to deceive us.
Harriet. 'Tis the nature of a fool to say so; and if that fool does not instantly quit the subject and the house together, I must request the favour of Mr. Loveyet to make him.
Loveyet. "As matters are circumstanced, Mr. Worthnought, I think it is not worth your while to stay."
Worthnought. Her unparallel'd rudeness shall not compel me to leave the house, till I please.
Loveyet. "Oh, fie, sir,—you would not force a lady to give you her company against her inclination." ”

“ Cantwell. No, no, sir; I mean concerning her late affair.
Herald. Why, young Loveyet certainly would not stoop so low, as to have her now.
Trueman. 'Zounds! Why not, pray?
Loveyet. What, in the name of ill luck, can they mean!—I hope, I—oh, there they come.
Enter Harriet and Charles Loveyet.
Cantwell. Oh, dear, here they are;—why she don't look as if that was the case.
[To Herald.
Trueman. I desire, ladies, to know what you mean, by these mysterious whispers.
Cantwell. La! sir; you only want to put a body to the blush; but if you want an explanation, that gentleman [Pointing to Worthnought.] ”

“ Frankton. Sure of what?
Humphry. Nothing, sir; we can be sartin of nothing in this world, as Mr. Thumpum says.
Loveyet. Ha, ha, ha.
Frankton. Oh, what a precious numskull it is!
Loveyet. [To Frankton.] I have a letter here, which announces to my father, my intention to leave the West-Indies the beginning of March, but I miss'd of the expected conveyance—I have half a mind to send it yet. I would not have him apprized of my arrival; for I wish to try if he would know me;—and yet I long to embrace my aged and venerable parent.—Will you do me the favour to take this letter to my father, Mr. Cubb? ”

“ Frankton lives?
Humphry. No, I don't know where anybody lives in this big city, not I; for my part, I believe how they all lives in the street, there's such a monstrous sight of people a scrouging backards and forards, as the old saying is. If I was home now—
Loveyet. Where is your home, if I may make so free? ”

“ Loveyet. I thought the angelic girl could not be ungrateful to the parent of her being; but don't let us tarry—I am already on the wing.
Frankton. You are too sanguine; you must not expect to succeed without a little opposition.
Loveyet. How! what say you? pray be explicit.
Frankton. I will remove your suspense.—There is a Mr. Worthnought, a thing by some people call'd a man, a beau, a fine gentleman, a smart fellow; and by others a coxcomb, a puppy, a baboon and an ass.
Loveyet. And what of him?
Frankton. Nothing; only he visits Miss Harriet frequently. ”

“ Loveyet. I'm not perfectly right;—I—I—I mean you are not perfectly right; and as for her age, why I should like her to be—let me see—about ten years younger than myself: a man shou'd be at least ten years older than his wife.
Trueman. Ten years; fifty-three and ten are sixty-three. Then you mean your wife shall be fifty-three years of age.
Loveyet. S'death, sir! I tell you I am but two and forty years old: She sha'n't be more than thirty odd, sir, and she shall be ten years younger than I am too.
Trueman. Yes, thirty odd years younger than you are ”

“ Trueman is equally fond of the match.
Loveyet. Better and better—my dear George! You are the best of friends,—my happy genius! My very guardian angel!
Frankton. Well said, Heroics—come, spout away.
Loveyet. Yes, I am happy, very happy, indeed: Moralists disparage this world too much,—there is such a thing as happiness under the sun,—I feel it now most irrefragably,—here it vibrates in a most extatic manner.
Frankton. Why, you are positively the arrantest love-sick swain that ever had recourse to a philter. [Pg 373]
Loveyet. Profane heretic in love! ”

“ Harriet. [To Worthnought.] I am equally surpriz'd and incens'd, sir, that you would dare to take such freedoms with my name.
Loveyet. Be assured, Miss Harriet, if you condescend to grant your valuable company to such superficial gentry, they will [Pg 393] ever prove themselves as unworthy of it as he has; but your goodness does not let you suspect the use which such characters make of the intimacy they are honour'd with, or you would spurn their unmeaning flattery, and ridiculous fopperies, with indignation. ”

“ Loveyet. But how do you account for Mr. Trueman's poverty, since fortune has lately put it so much in Harriet's power to relieve him from it? I dare not think it arises from her want of filial regard; I do not know anything so likely to abate the ardour of my attachment as a knowledge of that; but it is an ungenerous suggestion, unworthy the benignity and tenderness of the gentle Harriet.
Frankton. It is so.—Two things, on the part of the old gentleman, are the cause: his pride will not suffer him to be the subject of a daughter's bounty ”