by W. S. Gilbert

“ BUNTHORNE. GROSVENOR. Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can, A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man, An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical, arithmetical, Out-of-the way young man! Every-day young man! At the end, GROSVENOR dances off. BUNTHORNE remains.
BUNTHORNE. It is all right! I have committed my last act of ill-nature, and henceforth I'm a changed character.
Dances about stage, humming refrain of last air. Enter Patience. She gazes in astonishment at him.
PATIENCE. Reginald! Dancing! And – what in the world is the matter with you? ”

“ PATIENCE. If love is a thorn, they show no wit Who foolishly hug and foster it. If love is a weed, how simple they Who gather it, day by day! If love is a nettle that makes you smart, Then why do you wear it next your heart? And if it be none of these, say I, Ah, why do you sit and sob and sigh? Though ev'rywhere true love, etc. CHORUS. For she is blithe, etc. ANGELA. Ah, Patience, if you have never loved, you have never known true happiness! (All sigh.)
PATIENCE. But the truly happy always seem to have so much on their minds. The truly happy never seem quite well. ”

“ PATIENCE. Is it quite certain that you have absolutely reformed – that you are henceforth a perfect being – utterly free from defect of any kind?
BUNTHORNE. It is quite certain. I have sworn it.
PATIENCE. Then I never can be yours!
BUNTHORNE. Why not?
PATIENCE. Love, to be pure, must be absolutely unselfish, and there can be nothing unselfish in loving so perfect a being as you have now become!
BUNTHORNE. But, stop a bit. I don't want to change – I'll relapse – I'll be as I was – interrupted!
Enter Grosvenor, followed by all the 'every-day young girls', who are followed by Chorus of Dragoons. ”

“ PATIENCE. No idle thought of gain or joy A maiden's fancy should employ – True love must be without alloy. MEN. Exactly so! PATIENCE. Imposture to contempt must lead – COLONEL. Exactly so! PATIENCE. Blind vanity's dissension's seed – MAJOR. Exactly so! PATIENCE. It follows, then, a maiden who Devotes herself to loving you (indicating Bunthorne) Is prompted by no selfish view, Is prompted by no selfish view! MEN. Exactly so! SAPHIR. Are you resolved to wed this shameless one? ANGELA. Is there no chance for any other? BUNTHORNE. (decisively) None! (Embraces Patience) Exit Patience and Bunthorne. ”

“ Each is kneeling on her knee! (All kneel.) MAIDENS. Twenty love-sick maidens see, etc. BUNTHORNE. (aside) Though, as I remarked before, Any one convinced would be That some transcendental lore Is monopolizing me, Round the corner I can see Each is kneeling on her knee! DRAGOONS. (to each other) Round the corner, etc. ENSEMBLE. MAIDENS. DRAGOONS. In a doleful train, etc. Now is not this ridiculous, etc.
COLONEL. Angela! what is the meaning of this?
ANGELA. Oh, sir, leave us; our minds are but ill-tuned to light love-talk.
MAJOR. But what in the world has come over you all?
JANE. Bunthorne! ”

“ ANGELA. We will not deny that we are much moved by this proof of your attachment.
SAPHIR. Yes, your conversion to the principles of Aesthetic Art in its highest development has touched us deeply.
ANGELA. And if Mr. Grosvenor should remain obdurate –
SAPHIR. Which we have every reason to believe he will –
MAJOR. (aside, in agony) I wish they'd make haste!
ANGELA. We are not prepared to say that our yearning hearts will not go out to you.
COLONEL. (As giving a word of command) By sections of threes – Rapture!
All strike a fresh attitude, expressive of aesthetic rapture. ”

“ Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in the high aesthetic band, If you walk down Piccadilly with a poppy or a lily in your mediaeval hand. And every one will say, As you walk your flowery way, "If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not suit me, Why, what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man must be!" At the end of his song, Patience enters. He sees her.
BUNTHORNE. Ah! Patience, come hither. I am pleased with thee. The bitter-hearted one, who finds all else hollow, is pleased with thee. For you are not hollow. Are you? ”

“ MAIDENS. It drove them home? GROSVENOR. It drove them home! While this magnetic, Peripatetic Lover he lived to learn, By no endeavour Can magnet ever Attract a Silver Churn! MAIDENS. While this magnetic, etc. They go off in low spirits, gazing back at him from time to time.
GROSVENOR. At last they are gone! What is this mysterious fascination that I seem to exercise over all I come across? A curse on my fatal beauty, for I am sick of conquests!
Patience appears.
PATIENCE. Archibald! ”

“ Instead of rushing eagerly to cherish us and foster us, They all prefer this melancholy literary man. Instead of slyly peering at us, Casting looks endearing at us, Blushing at us, flushing at us, flirting with a fan ”

“ They will see that I'm freely gold-laced In a uniform handsome and chaste" – But the peripatetics Of long-haired aesthetics Are very much more to their taste – Which I never counted upon, When I first put this uniform on! CHORUS. By a simple coincidence few Could ever have reckoned upon, I didn't anticipate that When I first put this uniform on! The Dragoons go off angrily.
Enter Bunthorne, who changes his manner and becomes intensely melodramatic.
RECITATIVE and SONG – BUNTHORNE
Am I alone And unobserved? I am! Then let me own I'm an aesthetic sham! This air severe Is but a mere Veneer! ”

“ Take of these elements all that is fusible, Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, Set them to simmer, and take off the scum, And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum! CHORUS. Yes! yes! yes! yes! A Heavy Dragoon is the residuum! ”

“ Exeunt Jane and Bunthorne together.
Enter Duke, Colonel, and Major. They have abandoned their uniforms, and are dressed and made up in imitation of Aesthetics. They have long hair, and other signs of attachment to the brotherhood. As they sing they walk in stiff, constrained, and angular attitudes – a grotesque exaggeration of the attitudes adopted by Bunthorne and the Maidens in Act I.
TRIO – DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR.
It's clear that mediaeval art alone retains its zest, To charm and please its devotees we've done our little best. We're not quite sure if all we do has the Early English ring ”

“ But to live on toffee – toffee for breakfast, toffee for dinner, toffee for tea – to have it supposed that you care for nothing but toffee, and that you would consider yourself insulted if anything but toffee were offered to you – how would you like that? ”

“ We venture to expect That what we recollect, Though but a part of true High Art, will have its due effect. If this is not exactly right, we hope you won't upbraid; You can't get high Aesthetic tastes, like trousers, ready made. ”

“ BUNTHORNE. In that case unprecedented, Single I must live and die – I shall have to be contented With a tulip or lily! (Takes a lily from button-hole and gazes affectionately at it.) ALL. He will have to be contented With a tulip or lily! Greatly pleased with one another, To get married (we/they) decide. Each of (us/them) will wed the other, Nobody be Bunthorne's Bride! DANCE
See also Patience Gilbert and Sullivan ”

“ Finale, Act I: "Let the merry cymbals sound" in Act II "On such eyes as maidens cherish" (Maidens) "Sad is that woman's lot" (Jane) "Turn, oh, turn in this direction" (Maidens) "A magnet hung in a hardware shop" (Grosvenor and Maidens) "Love is a plaintive song" (Patience) "So go to him and say to him" (Jane and Bunthorne) "It's clear that medieval art" (Duke, Major, and Colonel) "If Saphir I choose to marry" (Duke, Colonel, Major, Angela, and Saphir) "When I go out of door" (Bunthorne and Grosvenor) Finale: "After much debate internal"
Act I Scene: Exterior of Castle Bunthorne. ”