A. E. W. Mason

“ Madge. Tea, Aunt Ida?
Aunt Ida. Please. (Nervously) What's the matter, William?
Faraday. The army list has disappeared again. I haven't seen one for months. Phyllis, will you ask Celia to order another new one? (Sits left.) Phyllis I do, Father, every time, but Celia always forgets it.
Aunt Ida. (Sits on edge of chair R. of table L. On tenter hooks) Has the Times come yet?
Faraday. No.
Aunt Ida. It's very late.
Faraday. (Getting up and getting muffin-stand from below cabinet, setting it between his knees) It is always very late. I eat much too much tea every day, waiting for that Times. ”

“ Madge runs frightened across the L. of Aunt Ida and Phyllis runs down from fender to R. of Aunt Ida, and together they help her into chair to L. of table R. Tarver and Faraday look up suddenly, startled. Smith goes up L.C., concealing laughter. Phyllis stands R. of chair below sofa, trying to hold Aunt Ida's hand. Evelyn runs excitedly and aimlessly about, looking for smelling salts. Faraday runs up and down extreme L., waving his arms. Madge above chair, fanning Aunt Ida. Tarver C., fanning Aunt Ida with atlas. He kneels and fans her more vigorously. ”

“ Crosses R.C. Absent-mindedly feels for his watch and starts as he realizes his mistake. Celia sees this and the true situation flashes on her. She swings up stage for a moment to cover her shock and embarrassment and then returns and faces Smith, as she leans against the chair L. of table. ”

“ Oh, of course, Bobby.
Tarver. (Crossing L. to C.) Thanks awfully. And you two girls can do the same. But your sister--well---- (Madge comes to head of magazine table.)
Aunt Ida. (Turning on him quickly) Well, what, Mr. Tarver?
Tarver. (Very diffidently) Well, I'm afraid she wouldn't be of much use--you see, she's rather difficult--isn't she?
Aunt Ida. Difficult!
Tarver. (Seeing he has made a break, tries to recover himself) Well, not quite the sort of person to make friends for one, don't you know?
Aunt Ida. (Growing more and more enraged, rises and faces him) Mr. Tarver! ”

“ Faraday. (From center of stage) God bless my soul, Celia, where have you been?
Celia. Why; I've been away, Father, for a week. Perhaps you haven't noticed it.
Faraday. Not noticed it? I have missed you very much. I never get all the right things for breakfast when you're away!
Celia. Sorry, Father. (Celia crosses quickly to Aunt Ida, who is in the center of the stage, Faraday having turned and gone up into the card room. Celia nodding as she crosses, to the Admiral and the girls) Good evening, Admiral. Well, girls. ”

“ Aunt Ida and Madge are standing up stage and those who have gone into the card room seat themselves in the following fashion, after the settling of partners in dumb show: Raleigh is seated down stage, his back to the audience; Lady Trenchard to his right, Faraday to his left, and Admiral Grice opposite him. They begin their game of bridge. Tarver has gone up R. of sofa, getting a cigarette at head of table. Phyllis throws herself lightly on the sofa on her knees, gathering up Celia's letters and flourishing them at her. ”

“ Let's go and count the names of the hundred beasts who won't vote for me.
(Phyllis and Tarver and Madge move to door C. and exit R.)
Evelyn. (Who has moved up to door, turns in door. Coquettishly to Steele and Raleigh) I'm afraid I can't count--without some big, strong man to help me. ”

“ It was Miss Celia that telephoned and said she was going herself? Nonsense, man! Don't argue with me. I'm afraid you've been drinking, my man. (Smells telephone) The telephone reeks of brandy! Try to be sober by morning. Remember, we need you in this election. (As he hangs up telephone) I've only known him to be drunk once before--decent chap and devoted to Celia.
Smith. (R. of table) Every one is, sir. She's peculiarly attractive.
Faraday. Yes, but it's taken people a long time to find it out. Now, where has Martin put that whiskey? ”

“ Martin. Another army list, sir? Yes, sir. (Exit L.IE.)
Grice. (In an injured tone) Celia is not here!
Phyllis. She has gone to see old Wilson, young Wilson's father. There is a rumor that he's wavering.
Faraday. Wavering! Wilson? He has some influence, too. I do hate a station master who can't stick to his political principles.
Grice. What's Wilson's trouble?
Evelyn. Compulsory vaccination. He can't spell it, so he's against it.
Grice. Silly ass! Well, if anyone can settle him, it will be Celia.
Phyllis. Yes, isn't she splendid? I believe Celia could make anybody do anything.
Aunt Ida. ”

“ Miss Faraday! (Etc.)
Aunt Ida. Darling!
Madge. (As Celia gets center. Coming down center) We did send the motor for you, Celia, only it was too late.
Celia. (Pausing at door) Yes, I know, Madgie, but when I met him, he wouldn't stop. He took me for the fish-monger---- (Exit quickly R.IE.)
Faraday. Fish-monger! God bless my soul!
Madge. (Idiotically to girls) She must have walked. Evelyn and Phyllis. Why, yes.
Aunt Ida. Well, she could hardly sleep on the wharf, could she?
Grice. (To Steele) What an unfortunate way that poor woman has of doing things that make everyone feel uncomfortable. ”

“ Madge takes periodical and begins to read. Faraday takes the outer sheet of the Times, pulls it off, and throws it across table. It falls to floor R. of table. Grice stoops to pick it up. Evelyn takes it from his hand as he rises, saying, "Thank you, Admiral." Grice looks at her disgustedly and sits twiddling his thumbs. Note: The outer sheets of the Times must be stuck together in order to have them fall properly. Note: The birth, marriage and death column of the Times is in the upper left hand corner of the first page. Evelyn, Madge and Faraday have become absorbed in their papers. ”

“ We'll manage to reach Southampton somehow before to-morrow night. The thing is to get away from here as quickly as possible. We must hurry terribly. It's nearly eleven now. We can have a compartment to ourselves. I'll see if Wilson is still at the station. (Crossing to telephone on desk) He'll tell us all about it.
Aunt Ida. (Protesting) I'm only half packed.
Celia. That doesn't matter. I'm not packed at all. Kent's a jewel. She will stay up all night, packing everything, and follow us in the morning. (Rings telephone and lifts off receiver) Hello! Are you there? ”

“ Just a minute, Wilson. (Puts down receiver and runs across to brandy bottle, picks up bottle and pours it into whiskey and soda glass, while she talks excitedly. She pours the glass half full.) Now, please, dear. Don't be ridiculous at a time like this. You might have one of your dreadful fainting spells in the motor, and I shouldn't know what to do for you. Now, come, come, dear, drink this. (Rushes to the back of Aunt Ida's chair and holds the glass while she drinks. Aunt Ida drains the glass, making a wry face and shuddering. Celia hurriedly puts down glass and flies back to telephone.) ”

“ Phyllis. (Laughing) Celia, it's delicious. Fancy your being married to a man called Wobbles! (Pretending to write in the air) "My darling Wobbles." (Laughs and runs up to Tarver, who is seated reading in the morning room, saying as she goes) Bobby, what do you think? (She tells Tarver the name of Celia's fiance in dumb show as she sits opposite him.)
Celia. (Writing) "My darling Wobbles."
(Tarver laughs. Laugh in card room.)
Celia. (Looks around to see that no one is overlooking or watching her. Writes) "I hardly know how to write you. It all seems too hauntingly beautiful to be true. ”

“ Celia. (Rises and comes down stage) Not if I know it! (Smith stares at her. Returning, getting her chair and replacing it at table) Colonel Vavasour--I mean it will be quite impossible for me--to indulge myself in any such fashion. Because just as soon as possible, I'm sailing for America.
Smith. (Dropping below table) America? Why, Smith has--four brothers ranching there. And five--I mean three--sisters-in-law. I congratulate you, Miss Faraday. (Offers Celia his hand. Celia takes it limply and he shakes it.) You are going to the very heart of poor Wobbles' family. ”

“ Grice. Me! No, no. Ah! I have an idea. (Comes down stage, and Faraday, Madge, Evelyn and Tarver gather about him, Faraday L., Madge L.C., Grice C., Evelyn R.C., Tarver R. Slowly, seriously and impressively) Let us all break it to her--gently--when she comes into the room. I'll give the signal--one, two, three and then we'll all say together and very gently, "Colonel Smith is dead." (Looks for approval and they all turn away in disgust.)
(Faraday goes extreme L., Madge back to head of table L., Tarver extreme R. and Evelyn to chair R.C.)
Aunt Ida. ”

“ Hello, Wilson, are you there? Well, listen, this is Miss Faraday. Yes, yes, Miss Celia. I've got to get away to-night on the midnight train. It's most important and will you look up at once what connections that train makes for Southampton--yes, Southampton. Also please wire Bletchley, and have a compartment reserved for me. What? It will take you ten minutes? Please hurry. There is so little time to spare. (Replaces receiver.) Now we must get the motor. (Springs up from chair and goes up to bell-push L. of C. door, rings bell, runs down to R. of Aunt Ida and picks up the tongs from floor.) ”

“ I see your face everywhere--Wobbles. The very tulips have a look of you. Oh, dearest, don't get wounded in the war." (Leans back and laughs to herself) Good Heavens, when I got up this morning, did I ever think that I should be doing anything like this? (Resumes writing) "This is my first love letter, Wobbles, but even I know how it ought to end. ”

“ Phyllis. Oh, Father! How absurd! On occasions of that kind, an hour passes very quickly, (Turns to Tarver and smiles.)
(All laugh.)
Faraday. Well, I remember that when I proposed to your mother, I told her my life history three times over in the first hour. (Goes up stage.)
Evelyn. (Deprecatingly) Oh, Father! (To Celia) What's his regiment?
Celia. Oh, it is a very good one, Evelyn dear. It's one of the West African ones, you know. It has green thing-a-majigs all down the front.
(Evelyn goes up L. and crosses R.)
Tarver. It sounds like a garden party. ”

“ Tarver. (Rises, gives Aunt Ida a resentful look, turns up R. by fender and addresses Evelyn) But the great thing now is to get old Grice to propose to Miss Celia.
Evelyn. (Very patronizingly) Why, yes, Bobby. Then out of gratitude she might go out and canvass for you.
Tarver. (Doubtfully) Ye-es, that would be very nice, of course. (Rises enthusiastically.) But fascinating girls are what is needed at a time like this--like you, Lady Trenchard, and Phyllis and Mrs. Rockingham. (He bows to each as he addresses them. Going up to Madge at desk R.) I say, when is your husband coming back from India? ”

“ Celia. Well?
Madge. Port Said. That's where letters to Somaliland will be transferred.
(Celia is startled.)
Phyllis. Oh, of course you must write to him. (Jumps up, runs up to writing table R.C., brings blotter from table, containing sheets of paper, envelopes, pens and ink, and puts them on magazine table; stands above and to the R. of Celia.)
Celia. (Protestingly) But it's too late.
Madge. No, the post doesn't go until ten. You have just time.
Phyllis. (Opening blotting pad and ink well) You must, if it is only a note. He will be expecting something. ”

“ Madge. (Enthusiastically) Before she was engaged. Before she let herself go, before she showed us all the Celiaishness of Celia.
Grice. There isn't a finer girl in England. (Puts teacup on mantel.) No, nor a finer dinner than the one I'm giving her to-night.
(Enter Tarver L.I, elaborately dressed and spattered with mud. He leans against jamb of door weakly. Everyone but Aunt Ida starts in surprise at sight of Tarver. Note: Aunt Ida does not participate in this scene, being wholly engrossed in the matter of the Times.)
Phyllis. (Starting up, goes toward Tarver a few steps) Bobby!!!! ”

“ Celia. But, Father, what ever possessed you to ask him to stay? (Crosses L. Sits.)
Faraday. You know he offered to help us. Things are looking pretty black for Tarver. We need all the help we can get at this mass meeting in the morning. So I have persuaded Colonel Vavasour to stop over and take the noon train.
(Faraday turns toward door R.I and proudly ushers in Smith. Celia and Aunt Ida turn their heads away, much discomfited.)
Faraday. (Taking Smith by the arm and passing him across him) A room must be prepared at once. Has Mrs. Brown gone to bed yet? ”

“ Hour by hour, he lay on his sick bed, looking out across the--thatched roofs of Berbera to the Arab---- (Grice sneezes loudly. Turning) Good Lord, what's that! (The others come down in the following order: Steele, Raleigh and Evelyn come down R.; Phyllis and Tarver up C.; Faraday to R. of Celia; Madge by Aunt Ida's chair. Grice has gone down L.C. Some of the party are carrying programs. The doors are left open.) In the midst of our sad communings, how strangely out of place are these revelers.
Omnes. Revelers?
Smith. They come flushed with new wine. ”

“ Green Stockings
ACT I
Scene: A room in Mr. Faraday's country house; at the upper left corner a little room is recessed, in which is a folding card table and four chairs. Windows at back. On table are two decks of cards, an ashtray and two bridge-markers and pencils. Hanging over table, a shaded electrolier. There is no door, but people sitting at the card tables are practically off the stage, though they can be seen and heard. At right corner balancing left corner exactly is seen a portion of the morning room (backing used is part of Act III set) . ”