Agnes Giberne

“ At length I was taken to my room, and Thyrza offered to help me in the unpacking of my trunks. Maggie lingered about, coming in and going out, with a certain embarrassed persistency, as if unable to decide on her proper line of action. Then she took me downstairs to afternoon tea in the drawing-room; and different members of the family appeared and disappeared, all seeming more or less constrained because of me. I am afraid I have not the gift of putting people at their ease. ”

“ When alone with Thyrza, I can say what I like to her.
"You must learn to take everything upon its own merits, and to weigh it with an independent judgment," I said. "A certain animal which always goes to the right if its tail be pulled to the left is no more really independent than—"
She interrupted me with a laughing protest.
"But I can't make myself like Sir Keith," she added. "Perhaps I ought because he is Eustace's great friend, and Keith was so fond of him. If only one didn't get so tired of hearing about his virtues. And Maggie puts me out of all patience." ”

“ Maggie grieving terribly over the parting! Maggie hiding intense sorrow under an appearance of cheerfulness! I could laugh as I write the words, remembering the high glee with which two or three hours ago she and Nona were racing round the schoolroom, trying to catch the little ones. Quite right too. I am only glad to see them so happy. But certainly I detect no symptoms in Maggie of severe self-control, of concealed depression, of overmastering anxiety. And with one so quick to betray each passing mood, pain and sorrow could scarcely be held under continuously. ”

“ Thyrza seemed thoughtful still. She observed, after a while, as if carrying on our talk—
"Don't you think that sometimes people seem to see only one side of—" she hesitated, lowering her voice reverently,—"of Christ? I mean, even those who do really love and obey Him?"
"My dear, ninety-nine hundredths of the errors into which most of us fall, spring from one-sided views of Him," I said. "For He is THE TRUTH. One-sided views of Him are one-sided views of Truth: and a one-sided view is always a defective view." ”

“ I had a wave little talk with her yesterday, about the evil of yielding oneself victim to a frivolous and self-indulgent course of life. Maggie listened, and even looked impressed; but ten minutes later, I saw her giggling in a corner with Miss Millington.
In the face of such an adverse influence, always pulling in the opposite direction, what can I do with poor Maggie? It seems to me at present,—nothing,—except pray and wait. The harm that one unprincipled girl can do to other girls is terribly great. ”

“ Maggie will scarcely speak to me to-day. She is looking her prettiest, not sulky and disagreeable, like most people when they are vexed, but pensively grave, with just a little heightening of colour, and a shy serious droop in her grey eyes which suits them to perfection. Nona, taking her cue from Maggie, is blunt, almost pert: and Elfie looks pinched and miserable.
Of course I know the reason. Yesterday afternoon I refused permission for Popsie to practise in the schoolroom, while I was giving a lesson on Grecian history to the twins and Thyrza. ”

“ Maggie is like me, reserved as to her deepest feelings: and it may be that you have scarcely read as yet her true nature. She is capable of giving such devoted love. Dear Constance, have you won it yet? Forgive me for asking the question. Forgive a mother's anxieties. I can scarcely judge from Maggie's letters, but I have had doubts, and your letter has awakened real fear. Your mention of her is so slight, compared with all that you say of my other dear girls. ”

“ Thyrza and Elfie are a comfort. Thyrza, however, is a good deal preoccupied just now: and Elfie keeps loving words for when we are alone, evidently not venturing to show her real feelings before Miss Millington.
After all, I find nothing so helpful as to get away from everybody into some quiet nook, near at hand; and there to find myself alone with Nature,—alone with God. For Nature never hinders intercourse with God. Man is the great hindrance. Nature speaks to us of God, and speaks in clear tones too, though in a language not so easily "understanded of the people" as the voice of Revelation. ”

“ I knew how indignant and grieved Thyrza would be, at the mere thought of my having been left behind alone. Perhaps she would see Mr. Stockmoor: or send some one to meet me. By that time, however, I scarcely saw what she or anybody could do. The walk over the hills in darkness would be no easy matter: and how could they guess where I might be found? ”

“ We always see the best of a face when it is really dear to us. Many, I know, count me not at all attractive; and they are the people for whom I do not care. But I do not know why I should write all this.
The difference of our respective standings in life was well marked, that afternoon, by the blaze of Albinia's diamonds and the lustre of her splendid silk, seen side by side with my plain black serge and jet brooch. I did think she might have worn deeper mourning for the good old aunt to whom in childhood we both owed so much. But—there is Craven! ”

“ Nona's powers will develop. I am not at all afraid for that dear girl. She is capable of anything: but sixteen is very young, and the high spirits which seem to you such a disadvantage, I should call quite a blessing. I wish I could look forward as hopefully for Thyrza as for Nona. I do find there a strange hardness, which exists in no other of my children. If you are able to influence her for good, so much the better. But, dear friend, do think over what I have said about my precious Maggie. I have so depended on your loving companionship for her, now in her time of trial and loneliness. ”

“ No thought of fear mingled with the willingness, though I whispered instinctively, "Does this mean some fresh great trouble?" If it did, I was willing still. The Presence of my Master would make all things light.
I almost expected another utterance of the soft voice, speaking to my heart from without or within—which, I do not know. I waited—listening.
And no voice spoke. But my eyes fell upon a figure, descending the great green slope, exactly in front.
"Thyrza!" I cried.
It was not Thyrza. It was a man. I saw him distinctly in the full sunlight. Had he come to tell me ill news of Thyrza? ”

“ I suppose reunions after long partings seldom pass off exactly as one expects beforehand. Imagination sees only the poetry and delight of meeting. But the reality includes a good deal that is by no means poetical, or perhaps delightful.
When the travellers arrived, at the close of long waiting on our part, there was, of course, a general rushing of everybody into everybody's arms,—exclusive of Miss Millington and myself. Maggie was foremost in the rush: her face beaming. ”

“ At the farther end was a fine waterfall,—a whole river, suddenly appearing, after a mile or so of underground coursing, to take one grand leap of seventy or eighty feet into a dull black pool, with crash and roar and perpetual splash of foam, thence vanishing underground once more for at least another mile. A gleam of light seemed to come down from above the fall, obviating entire darkness.
Sir Keith guided me carefully down the lower rocky steps, till we reached a platform near the fall,—not quite the nearest possible. There we stood in silence. ”

“ It does seem sad that man, as the highest part of Nature, should not always speak to men of God; but too often he does not. So one naturally turns from human discord to the more true if lower music of things inanimate.
I love to lie upon the grass of a certain favourite bank, and there to lose myself in quiet studying of the mountain-outlines, the long winding of the Dale, the patches of autumn-red bracken on The Fell, the little streamlets coursing each hillside, the peaceful cloudland of sky above. ”

“ Perhaps if I were not proud too, Thyrza's proud manner wouldn't make any difference, but I don't like her, certainly. Maggie is the nicest after Nellie,—if not Elfie. And Nona is a kind good-natured girl too; only there never seems to be anything in her. Mother once said that all Nona's growth had gone into her body, and all Elfie's into her mind.
Mrs. Romilly thinks Maggie most wonderfully clever. But somehow Mother and I don't. Nobody calls Nellie clever; only she is always good and unselfish and helpful, doing everything for everybody, and never thinking about her own wants. ”

“ Thyrza drew near, looking interested, and I was quite sorry when we had to part.
"How is my particular pet, the Elf?" he asked, with a smile, as we shook hands.
"Elfie is all right," Thyrza's brusque tone answered.
Sir Keith vanished, and I said, "He looks delicate."
"I don't think he ever is very strong," said Thyrza, at once natural again. "He never makes any fuss about his health; but Lady Denham fusses for him."
"Is Lady Denham like Sir Keith?"
"No. She is a little plain sort of person, and rather odd, and she thinks nobody in the world is equal to him." ”

“ I do wish you knew her, Nellie, for I think you would understand what she is. It isn't often that Mother's favourites are mine. But Miss Con is so unlike the common run of people, so earnest and good and so clever. She seems to have read and heard and thought over everything. And she helps me as nobody else ever did, in other ways—you know what I mean. Her religion is so real; not mere talk. She makes one feel that life may be made really worth living, and that one need not just fritter it away in girlish nothings—like so many. ”

“ There could hardly be such another man in the world. His face, his features, his manners, his self-forgetfulness, his kindness, his indulgence, his generosity,—all these have been painted before me, till I could only feel that he must be a very prince among men, and that to live under the same roof with Mr. Romilly must be a priceless privilege. The only marvel to my mind was that he had not gone abroad with his wife. But doubtless a spirit of self-denial restrained him, and he remained in England for the sake of his girls. ”

“ I thought of that, last Sunday evening, when father and Sir Keith were talking. They do look upon some things so differently, you know. Only Sir Keith is such a thorough gentleman, he never gets angry in argument, or tries to thrust his opinions down other people's throats, and he always lets other people have their say too. But still, of course one could see that they didn't think just alike. If father were not so fond of Sir Keith, he would mind it more. He doesn't like people not to think exactly the same as he does, generally. ”

“ Albinia opened her eyes non-comprehendingly.
"He expects me to improve the household as a whole,—beginning, as I tell him, with Mr. Romilly. My own fear is that I shall be too much of a girl among girls,—with too little authority."
"It all depends on yourself. You must take a proper stand from the first. I dare say things will fit in well enough."
So easy for her to say and think. Hardly anything is more easy than to be philosophical for somebody else. I do not count that my own feeling in the matter is cowardice. I have never feared work or shrunk from responsibility. ”

“ It was not beauty though my own immediate impression was that Thyrza would one day be the best-looking of the sisters. It was not attractiveness of manner, for she made no effort to seem agreeable. I think it must rather have been a certain indefinable something which spoke the presence of character—of that which even more than power of intellect, and far more than mere beauty of form or feature, stamps an individual as standing apart from the throng of his or her fellow-men. ”

“ For in reality Albinia and I are not alike. It is impossible that we should be. We may be formed on much the same model; eyes and hair may be the same in colouring; but we are not alike. Differences of temperament and character must show in the face. Albinia's torpid easiness of disposition and her willingness to submit, are the precise converse of my untiring energy and troublesome strength of will. Strangers may and sometimes do mistake the one for the other; but those who know us well are apt to deny the fact of any resemblance at all,—which is curious. ”

“ But I believe we are all a little apt to forget how every single step in life is part of a steady working onward towards some good or some terrible goal. No one deed can be weighed by itself, detached from others."
She gave me a startled glance, and said, "Every single step!"
"It must be," I said. "Everything that we do strengthens either the good or the evil in us; and no one thing done can ever be undone."
Thyrza drew a long breath. "Ah, that is the worst!" she said. After a moment's hesitation she went on, "Eustace has never been the same since. He never speaks of Keith, or of that time. ”

“ And I am sure a more loving spirit is what I need. If I cannot love Miss Millington for what she is in herself, or for what she is to me, cannot I love her at least with a kind and pitying love—and because she is dear to my Lord and Master? ”

“ I am a good climber by nature: and an ascent has always a fascination for me. But I knew that without any such additional exertion, I should have taxed my powers pretty severely by the time we reached home. So I followed Thyrza's advice, and remained quiet, seated on a rock by the roadside, with my face toward the flowing green slopes.
The deep stillness of the scene impressed me again, more forcibly than ever. ”

“ Just two years and three months since we came to Glynde. I am so glad we came. To be sure it was nice being near London, and living alone with Mother and Uncle. But, after all, the children keep us bright, dear little things; and Ramsay can be pleasant sometimes, if he is provoking. Then I have Nellie here. Two years ago I did not dream what friends the Romillys and we would become; though, to be sure, Nellie and I took an immense fancy to each other at first sight. And the more I see of her, the more I love her. ”

“ DARLING NELLIE,—I promised to send you the letter from Miss Graham whenever it should come; so I suppose I must; but you won't like it any more than I do. I think it's an awfully stupid letter, and I am sure she can't be at all a nice sort of person. I wonder if writing books always makes people get so disagreeable when they are middle-aged. That is two of them, and I dare say Gladys will be just the same by-and-bye, which would be three. ”

“ I hate to see a girl make a sort of idol of a man . . . and not an atom of reason . . . Of course he is very kind and polite; . . . but he looks upon us as a set of schoolgirls. It is so ridiculous of Maggie. I don't mean that she does or says anything—particular—only she is so absurd! I should like to give her a good shaking. I do wish, girls had a little more common self-respect!" Thyrza concluded fiercely, with burning cheeks.
I listened in silence to this rather enigmatical explanation.
"Sir Keith spoke of Elfie as his 'pet,'" I said, after a break. ”

“ I do not know why. Though not so poorly as last week, and able to be about again, she seems fractious and peevish, and nervous fancies are regaining their old sway over her. The fusses about what she can and cannot do, will and will not eat, are endless.
Now, too, she distinctly turns from me and turns to Miss Millington. If I say a word about not giving way to fancies, she bursts out crying, and "Millie" ostentatiously comforts her, assisted by Maggie, who has all at once left off remarks anent "coddling."
Miss Millington's influence over the girls is to me more and more extraordinary. ”

“ And if he didn't always bring on such a shy fit that I can't speak, I might perhaps think him nice to talk to.
There is one other thing that I do like in Sir Keith; and that is, that he doesn't think himself bound to make pretty remarks about my writings, only just to please me. As if I were a child, wanting sugar-plums!
I don't mean that one isn't glad to have an opinion worth having; and honestly-meant praise is pleasant. But that is different. And it seems to me that the people whose opinion one cares for the most are very often the most backward of all in giving it. ”

“ I suppose Maggie has been fond of Miss Millington before, but by no means to the same extent. "Maggie always allowed Millie to call her by her name," Thyrza observed a day or two ago, "so of course she has done the same to me. I know Nellie didn't think it a good plan. But they were very little together. Maggie was always dangling after mother and Nellie,—it didn't matter which: and she was the same to Jackie as to Millie. But now Jackie is gone, and mother and Nellie are away, there's only Millie; and Maggie always must have somebody!" ”