Amanda M. Douglas

“ When I hear delicious music I feel it in my very finger ends. When I read about pictures and statuary and magnificent churches I can almost see them, and a rift in the sky, an autumnal branch of red brown leaves, nooks that I have seen now and then, looks that are grand and high and beautiful stir my very soul. Where did I get this from? Was my father—”
She looked really beautiful standing there, her eyes full of inspiration, her cheeks aglow, her scarlet lips quivering. Mrs. Boyd trembled with a mysterious chill, and a shiver went over her. ”

“ Her mother entered the room very pale and with frightened eyes.
“Oh, Zay,” she cried, dropping on the side of the bed, “have you any idea what your father and Doctor Kendricks are quarreling about? Your father is not easily excited—he used to be very quick in temper but he has grown so gentle and considerate. But it is something that rouses him to white heat. We have always been such dear friends since that time of the great sorrow, and it is not about the boys, I know. Oh, Zay, what is the matter? You look ill—you must have a fever, your eyes show it.” ”

“ The handsome town, the picturesque houses, where late blooming flowers were a delight on many a lawn, the peaceful winding river whose shadows seemed to depict a fascinating underworld, the rising ground beyond with its magnificent trees, its tangled nooks of shrubbery with scarlet berries, so stirred Lilian’s fine nature that she felt as if she must burst into poesy.
No, she would never give up the splendid, inspiriting dreams of youth. Ambitious and noble natures are often haunted by romantic ideals and glimpses of the future reaching up to unharmful standards that did seem possible. ”

“ Why they would soon be here and all have Christmas dinner together. There would be a great surprise with a fair young man who cared a great deal for her, and there were wonderful surprises that wouldn’t make her happy at first. Here was a strange girl—but she doesn’t want to come. Gifts and friends, and this stout man—your father,” and she knew by Zay’s face she had guessed right. “He is very fond of you—oh, you needn’t ever be afraid any one will crowd you out. Plenty of lovers, too, when it comes your time; a happy marriage and children, and prosperity. ”

“ She must be interesting, Marguerite thought. There were so many delightful qualities one could cultivate. Mrs. Barrington was charming, and Miss Arran had so many nice quiet ways, that she had insensibly copied; her low toned voice, her never seeming to hurry and yet going about any matter as if it was 285the first thing to be done; her little orderly methods. She kept her mother’s room neat, she put the books back in their places; there was a cluster of autumn leaves in a vase, or a sprig of spruce or cedar that for a long while would put forth new leaves. ”

“ When they were alone Willard reached over and took his sister’s hand in a warm clasp.
“Zay, I heard your fine defense for Marguerite. I was waiting at the head of the stairs. I suppose for awhile there will be some gossip and wondering, but there never can be any doubt of the truth. I think she is going to make a fine and admirable woman, and I hope you two will love each other as Vin and I always have.”
“You can’t love anyone offhand. Such a love would not be worth having, and if she wins you away from me—”
“Oh, Zay, silly child! No one can take your place in the heart of one of us.” ”

“ Lilian bathed and dressed herself, now and then leaning over her mother who seemed to breathe regularly, but the face was thin and pallid, and the soft hair seemed to have whitened in these few days. She bent over and kissed the cool forehead.
Miss Arran looked in.
“Oh, is it all right? I left you at two; there really was no need of watches as I was just across the hall, but I think you confine yourself too closely. Now you must go down and take a walk on the porch. The morning air has a positive balminess in it. It really should be Christmas morning with the angels singing for very joy.” ”

“ If she had lived—but then the confession would hardly have been made. For, with all the unlikeness, Lilian had never suspected the truth.
Oh, why had not God given this poor starved life its rightful surroundings? If Mrs. Boyd had lived! If there had been a number of merry, satisfied children going cheerfully to work in shops and factories when school days were over, having lovers, marrying and repeating their mother’s life! For the world was full of ordinary happy people with no high ideals. ”

“ Was it not the hard grind of poverty and hopeless work, never making any advance, that quenched the vitality of soul and brain? She must make her mark before hope dropped out of the years. She had watched her teachers in a curious manner, though she was too young to understand analysis of character. Some were favorites, some had favorites, girls who were of the noted families or had prosperity back of them. There were others, one she had liked very much who seemed to study with you, to help you to understand. Her classes always had many of the finest pupils. ”

“ Often in reading a story Lilian had fancied herself the heroine and enjoyed the feast.
The child has much finer breeding than the mother, Mrs. Barrington mused. She almost fancied she detected something furtive about Mrs. Boyd. Was she being won by the girl’s proud face to the detriment of the mother? It seemed to her that Mrs. Boyd stood in awe of her daughter.
Afterward they went to the parlor which was a fine large room splendidly furnished, Lilian thought. There was a grand piano, an organ, two beautiful marbles, vases and pictures. There was a wide hall that was like another room. ”

“ You will have one of the loveliest of women for a mother, and two brothers who, so far, have been most exemplary. And that darling, Zay—the whole town loves her.”
Lilian wiped her eyes, and pressed Mrs. Dane’s hand fervently. Would Zay proffer her a sister’s love?
She went back to Mrs. Boyd, who suddenly opened her eyes and smiled, then the thin lids fell. How she had wasted away! She tried to recount to herself all the kindnesses, the sacrifices Mrs. Boyd had made. And though the boarding house had been of the commonest sort there had never seemed any real pinches. ”

“ Lilian Boyd glanced around the station at Mount Morris with a kind of joyous surprise and wonder. The beautiful town with its straight streets, some of them with a narrow park in the centre, houses that were palatial to her inexperienced eyes, with terraced lawns, wide porches, graceful shrubbery and a profusion of flowers. ”

“ Then her return to her early home; her struggles against misfortune, poverty and ill health, and after a little, her dismay at finding the child so different from what she had been herself, so ambitious, so longing for refinement and showing such a distaste for common ways. The failure of her own health, the impossibility of keeping the girl at school any longer when Mrs. Barrington’s proffer had seemed a perfect godsend. But it was too late to recover the health that had been so shattered by poverty and hard work.
“Well, if it is true she was a courageous woman,” declared Miss Crawford. ”

“ I am glad they are not alike, though it seems rather out of the order for twins. Oh, mother, I can foresee that she will be a great deal to you in a womanly way. We can never thank God enough for her.”
“And all these years, amid the suffering, I have always thought if I had left my darling at home. I was so proud of her I wanted your father to see her. Zaidee was not such a fine looking baby. We had both so ardently desired a daughter; indeed we had often said two boys and two girls was an ideal family.” ”

“ And when you can’t go into society or meet nice people but just stay at home and work or teach—what fun is there in life? Why I’d rather be dead.”
“I should want to be alive even if I were Lilian Boyd. I think it is a grand world, and there is so much happening all the time. And I don’t care so much about being rich—”
“But you will and your mother is so lovely. Major Crawford looks rather stern and that handsome young man—what a pity he’s to follow the sea, unless he gets to be an Admiral, and then he’ll have to be quite old. I’d rather be at West Point. ”

“ She would always have the things she most desired, which she, Mrs. Boyd could not have given her in the pretty home Lilian had been planning. She had been happy with her lover, then her husband. But, Lilian would shrink from the kiss of the grimy man fresh from his hard work, and after his brief ablutions, sitting down to supper in his shirt sleeves and then lighting his pipe and pushing his baby up and down the front walk, jesting and laughing with the neighbors. There were blocks of them, most of them happy women, too, except when the babies came too fast or died out of their arms. ”

“ You see sewing is not very profitable ordinarily unless you can do high up dressmaking or are forewoman in some factory, and I couldn’t sew for a living. It is one thing over and over. You are never learning anything new, broadening out, enjoying the wisdom of the master minds, the beautiful poetry, the grand philosophies. Oh, am I a very romantic or conceited girl?” and she paused with a bright flush.
“You are meant for a scholar.”
Just that instant the trunk came and Lilian excused herself and went up with it. ”

“ Then stretches so serene so instinct with fairy beauty she drew long breaths and dreamed of delightful futures, and what is a girl of sixteen filled with a love of beauty and ambition worth if she cannot dream some grand ventures. ”

“ Crawford had seated herself on the couch and motioned Marguerite beside her.
“My dear daughter,” she said, steadying her voice, “heaven only knows how glad I am to have you and we must comfort one another. I had dreaded Willard going, but God has been good to me and sent you just when I needed you most. We shall be very happy in each other’s society, I foresee. You will be my girl as Zay is Aunt Kate’s. Willard is so interested in you, and when it is a little pleasanter we will go driving together. I like the byways and the nooks and the wild flowers. ”

“ If only she could shut out the sight and the smell of the clairvoyant’s room, and that boy grasping for breath. It must have been something awful for them both to die almost together and be shut up at once in their coffins; and then a horror seized her. She had always been so well and joyous. Oh, what if she should die? It would kill her mother. Girls were more to their mothers; business called so many of the boys away.
She began to cry. The doctor and her father went down stairs. ”

“ Lilian returned, delighted with the praise.
Miss Arran always came in the study room, generally bringing a bit of embroidery for it was not expected that Miss Boyd should attend to the upper division with some girls older than herself. The other class were quite at the lower end of the room, ranged around the table. Miss Boyd seated herself next to Miss Nevins and patiently explained, but it was very hard to keep the girl’s attention to the subject in hand. She thought she had never seen any one so utterly indifferent and with so little ambition. ”

“ But just now she was Lilian Boyd and angry, though she could not satisfy herself that she had a perfect right to this unreasonableness. So she made no reply.
“Oh, Marguerite, don’t be vexed with me. We shall not see each other for a long while, 261and I want to carry away with me the knowledge that you are very happy in your new home. You will have so many pleasures, interests; you will be loved; oh, you must be loving, as well. Let the past go as a strange dream.”
“It can never be a dream to me,” she returned, decisively. “A thing you have lived through is stamped on your brain. ”

“ He took out a small life insurance, though it almost broke her heart to think of his dying. And she never dreamed of the baby. He was so well and strong and joyous. Yet a few days’ illness swept him out of the world, and almost broke their hearts. Then a little girl came. She liked girls the best, they were more to the mother. She could make their clothes, they could go out together. Then lovers would come and marriage, and all the everyday interest of new lives.
One sad day James Boyd was brought home dead. ”

“ I had resolved as soon as was possible to be her caretaker, to put in her life the things she desired, whether they pleased me or not. It did not take much to make her happy.”
“And no man can understand the longing of a woman’s soul when her child has been torn from her arms. Poor empty arms, that no prayer can fill. And this was why she snatched at the baby, believing it was motherless. ”

“ His will be a three years’ cruise, and I am doubly glad to have found another child in view of his long absence.”
Lilian glanced up. It was such a frank, kindly face, too young yet for any of his father’s sternness.
“Oh, my dear, I wonder if you will ever understand how precious you are going to be to us all. It is like one raised from the dead. I shall go away with a lighter heart, seeing that mother and father have you. We boys have been so much to the house with our stirring interests; now it will be you and Zaidee. ”

“ Already Barrington House was shaping her taste in many matters.
Then it was a pleasure to talk to the imaginative Claire who reveled in the Knights of Arthur’s time, the tastes of Mythology which she twisted about to suit her fancy.
“I like Miss Lilian so much,” she would say. “She has traveled in so many countries. She knows all about Eskimo babies and little Chinese girls who can’t go anywhere because they have such crooked feet. And we play at going to see them, and they give us such curious things to eat. And there are real little Greek children, who lived in Bible times. ”

“ Lilian raised her head in the wildest dismay, and though she stared at Miss Arran she did not seem to see her. Many a time like a lightning flash the thought had swept over her, but it seemed awful to have it put in words, to have the certainty pierce through her like a sharp sword.
“Oh, mother, you do not know what you are saying. It is some wretched, horrid dream! You have been too much alone. You have 141brooded over this thought of our differences. Children and parents are often unlike. At all events I have never known any other mother. You must live and let me prove a true daughter.” ”