Anonymous

“ Lookes were oppos’d ’gainst lookes, and stead of words,
Were banded frowne ’gainst frowne, and words ’gainst words
But cunning Cupid forecast me to recoile:
For when he plaid at sharpe, I had the foyle.
Swash. Nay, now he is in loue, I see it plaine:
I was inspir’d with this Poeticall vaine,
When I fell first in loue: God bo’y yee, Sir:
I must goe looke another Master.
Mis. Swash.
Swash. Y’are a dead man: beleeue it, Sir,
I would not giue two-pence for a Lease
Of a hundred pound a yeere made for your life. ”

“ Murder, ho.
Aur. Is this the dogged Humorist that cals
Himselfe the woman-hater?
Mis. On my knees.
Aur. Dost thou reply, vile Monster? Binde him, come.
Old W. Let me come to him, Ile so mumble him.
Aur. Remember faire Leonida my child,
Whose innocence was made a Sacrifice
To thy base Forgeries and Sophistrie.
Omnes. Out, you abominable Rascall.
Aur. This for your hearing, Sir: now all is full.
Mis. Ladies, Gentlewomen, sweet Atlanta, all,
Heare me but speake.
Lor. No, not a syllable.
You haue spoke to match alreadie, you damn’d Rogue.
But weele reward you for’t. Skrew his iawes. ”

“ Before a Kitchen-Wench will fancie you.
Mis. Doe not torment me, misbeleeuing Dolt,
I tell thee, I doe loue, and must enioy.
Swash. Who, in the name of women, should this bee?
Mis. What an obtuse Conception do’st thou beare?
Did not I tell thee, ’twas Atlanta, Swash?
Swash. Who, she Amazonian Dame, your Aduocate,
A Masculine Feminine?
Mis. I, Swash,
She must be more then Female, has the power
To mollifie the temper of my Loue.
Swash. Why, she’s the greatest enemie you haue. ”

“ Whereas there is a doubtfull question to be decided in publique disputation, which concernes the honour of all men in generall, that is to say, Whether the Man or the Woman in loue, stand guilty of the greatest offence: Know therefore, if that any man, of what estate or condition soeuer, will vndertake to defend the equitie of men, against the false imputations of women, let vm repayre to the Court, they shall be honourably entertayned, graciously admitted, and well rewarded. ”

“ I doe professe my selfe, and doe desire
No greater glorie, then to haue that name.
What woman can indure to heare the Wrongs,
Slanders, Reproches, and base Forgeries,
That base men vaunt forth, to dimme the rayes
Of our weake tender Sex? But they shall know,
Themselues, not women, are the cause of woe.
A Champion, a Champion. |Exeunt Omnes.|
Enter Atticus, Misogynos, two Iudges, Notarie, Cryer, and Attendants——And then Lisandro, and Hortensia guarded. ”

“ Mis. Why law now, Swash, I told thee she would yeeld,
No woman in the world can hold out long.
Oh beware when a man of Art courts a woman.
Swa. I, or a Fencer, Sir: We lay vm flat before vs.
But, pray you tell me, Master, Doe you loue
This Lasse sincerely?
Mis. Ha, ha, ha. Loue? that were a iest indeed,
To passe away the time for sport, or so;
Th’are made for nothing else:
And he that loues vm longer, is a foole.
Swa. Me thinkes ’tis pittie to delude her, Sir:
I’faith she’s a handsome wench.
Mis. Away, you Asse.
Delude? what are they good for else?
Enter Atlanta. ”

“ Because no Female can affect the same,
Begets in him despaire; and despaire, enuie.
He cares not to defame their very soules,
But that he’s of the Turkes opinion: They haue none.
He is the Viper, that not onely gnawes
Vpon his Mothers fame, but seekes to eat
Thorow all Womens reputations.
Lor. Is’t possible! that Sicilie should breed
Such a degenerate Monster, shame of men?
Iag. Blame not your Countrie, he’s an Englishman.
Lor. I will not see the glories of that Sexe
Be-spawld by such a dogged Humorist,
And passe vnpunisht. ”

“ Atlan. What spectacle is this? A man new slaine,
Close by the Princes Herse! Who is’t? Oh, me,
The Noble Prince Lisandro. Cruell Fate,
Is there no hope of life? See, he looks vp,
Ile beare him out of the ayre, and stop his wound:
If there be any hope, I haue a Balme
Of knowne experience, in effecting cures
Almost impossible, and if the wound
Be not too deadly, will recouer him. |Exit Lorenzo.|
Enter Aurelia and Iago. ”

“ You haue chosen a Husband, so handsome, so complete,
As if he had beene pickt
Out of the Christ-Crosse row.
Le. As how, I prethee?
Lor. Why, Madame, thus: Ile begin with A. and so proceed to the latter end of the Alphabet, comparing his good parts as thus: for A. hee is Amiable, Bountifull, Courteous, Diligent, Eloquent, Faithfull, Gracious, Humble, Iouiall, Kind, Louing, Magnanimous, Noble, Patient, Quiet, Royall, Secret, Trustie, Vigilant, Wittie, and Xceeding Youthfull. Now for Z, he’s zealous: so I conclude, pray God hee bee not Iealous. ”

“ Then we should ne’r be acquainted with the deceitfull deuices of a womans crooked conditions, which are so many, that if all the World were Paper, the Sea, Inke, Trees and Plants, Pens, and euery man Clarkes, Scribes, and Notaries: yet would all that Paper be scribled ouer, the Inke wasted, Pens worne to the stumps, and all the Scriueners wearie, before they could describe the hundreth part of a womans wickednesse.
Scan. Me thinks you are too generall: some, no doubt,
As many men, are bad: condemne not all for some.
What thinke you, Sir, of those that haue good wiues? ”

“ By this hand, I shall thinke my money well bestowed then: but to tell you the truth, Sir, the reason I would learne, is, because I am to bee married shortly: and they say, Then or neuer, is the time for a man to get the mastery.
Mis. How, marry, Scholer? thou art not mad, I hope. Doe you know what you doe?
Scan. I know what I shall doe, Master, that’s as good.
Mis. Doe you know what she is you are to marrie?
Scan. A woman, I am sure a that.
Mis. No, she’s a Deuill, Harpie, Cockatrice.
Scan. And you were not my Master——
Mis. ”

“ The men, I know, will laugh, when they shall heare
Vs rayl’d at, and abused; and say, ’Tis well,
We all deserue as much. Let vm laugh on,
Lend but your kind assistance: you shall see
We will not be ore-come with Infamie,
And slanders that we neuer merited.
Be but you patient, I dare boldly say,
(If euer women pleased) weele please to day.
Vouchsafe to reade, I dare presume to say,
Yee shall be pleased; and thinke ’tis a good play.
Actorvm Nomina.
Act. I. Scen. I.
Enter Iago and Nicanor, two Noblemen of Sicilia, in private conference. ”

“ Mis. You know my mind.
Atlan. You men are all so fickle, that poore we
Doe not know whom to trust.
But doe you loue me truely?
Mis. By this kisse.
Atl. No, saue that labour, Sir: I’le take your word.
Yet, how should I beleeue you, when so late
You rail’d against our Sex, and slander’d vs?
Mis. Oh doe not thinke of that, that’s done and gone.
Doe not recall what’s past. I now recant:
And (by this hand) I loue thee truly, Loue.
Atl. May I beleeue all this?
Mis. Come hither, Swash.
How often haue I sworne to thee alone,
I lou’d this Lady; neuer none but shee?
Swa. Yes truely, that he has. ”

“ This Chaine of Pearle.
Le. Prethee, away with it, Ile not be chain’d to him.
Lor. Faith, and ’tis true, a Chaine is the worst Gift
A Louer can send his Mistris, ’tis such an Embleme
Of bondage hereafter. Who’s that?
Enter Lisandro.
Le. Father.
Lis. How fares my worthy Daughter?
Le. Eu’n as one
Deuoted vnto sorrow, griefe and mone.
Lis. Then I must blame you, Ladie, you doe ill,
To blast those Rosiall blossomes. Will you kill
This gift of Nature, Beautie in the prime? ”

“ Sit for the Notarie: Crier, she:
The rest shall beare inferior Offices,
As Keepers, Seriants, Executioners.
Swash. Ide rather be a Hangman then a Seriant:
Yet there’s no great difference, if one will not,
T’other must.
Atl. Mother, goe you and call a Iurie full,
Of which y’are the fore-woman.
1. Old W. Thanke you forsooth, Ile fetch one presently:
’Tis fit he should be scratcht, and please your Grace:
Sure, he is no man.
Atl. We want a Barre. O, these two foyles shall serue:
One stucke i’ the Earth, and crosse it from this Tree. ”

“ Changed “We all deserue as much” to “We all deserue as much.” Changed “For I should neuer liue till your returne,” to “For I should neuer liue till your returne.” Changed “For when the the Nauies ioyn’d, the Cannons plaid” to “For when the Nauies ioyn’d, the Cannons plaid”. Changed “By this hand, I shall thinke my money vell bestowed” to “By this hand, I shall thinke my money well bestowed”. Changed “Enter Nicanor.” to “Enter Nicanor.” Changed “Scan. Goe then, Ile follow,” to “Scan. Goe then, Ile follow.” ”

“ You haue set all the women in the Towne in an vprore.
Mis. Why, what’s the matter, Swash?
Clow. Ne’r was poore Swash, so lasht, and pasht,
And crasht and dasht, as I haue beene,
Looke to your selfe, they’re vp in armes for you.
Mis. Why, Haue they weapons, Swash?
Clow. Weapons, Sir, I, Ile be sworne they haue.
And cutting ones, I felt the smart of ’em,
From the loines to the legs, from the head to th’ hams,
From the Front to the foot, I haue not one free spot.
Oh, I can shew you, Sir, such Characters.
Mis. What dost thou mean, man, wilt shame thy selfe? ”

“ Without which there’s no safetie. Here he comes.
Enter Lisandro like a Frier.
Lis. The benediction of the blessed Saints
Attend your honour.
Nic. Welcome, holy Frier.
Lis. And crowne your wishes to your hearts desire.
Nic. Amen, Anthonio,
I’le say Amen to that; but yet the meanes
To make mee happy, lies within thy power.
Lis. Your Honour may command mee.
Nic. Then ’tis thus;
Thou know’st with what a generall consent
Of all Sicilia I was prelected
By my dread Soueraigne, to espouse the faire
Yet fond Leonida ”

“ Therefore, graue Iudges, let me thus conclude:
Man tempts not woman, woman doth him delude.
A Plaudite by the Men with shouts, crying, Misogynos, Misogynos, Misogynos!
1. Law. Women, looke to’t, the Fencer giues you a veney. ”

“ Aur. My deare Atlanta, I commend thy care.
Att. Call it my dutie, Madam, and the loue
I owe to sacred vertue, to defend
The same of women. All withdraw awhile, |Ex. Women.|
I thinke I heare him comming. I, ’tis he.
Enter Misogynos and Swash.
Swash. This is the place, Sir, she appoynted you.
Mis. Is this the Orchard then,
Where I must pluck the fruit from that faire tree?
Swash. I would it might proue Stone-fruit,
And so choke him.
Mis. Ha! what’s here? a banquet?
Swa. Banquet? Where?
Mis. Readie prepar’d? why, this is excellent!
What a kind creature ’tis? ”

“ Aur. You must not slip this oportunitie.
Atlan. Ile not let passe a minute: his owne man
Ile make an instrument to feed his
Follies with a kind acceptance, and when he comes,
Let me alone to plot his punishment.
Aur. Excellent Atlanta, I applaud thy wit.
Atlan. Ile make him an example to all men,
That dares calumniate a womans fame.
Attend an answere, Ile reward thee well.
Clow. I thanke your Madame-ship, Ime glad o’ this,
Tis the best hit that euer Fencer gaue. |Exeunt.|
Enter Atticus, Iago, Sforza, and Nicanor.
Att. How took the Girle her death? did she not raue? ”

“ Pox, leaue this forc’d modesty: for by this hand,
I must enioy you now before we part.
Lor. I haue so farre ingag’d my selfe, you know,
’Tis now vaine to resist.
Scan. Why, now I like thee well.
Where shall we meet?
Lor. In the with-drawing Chamber, there I lye.
Scan. Goe then, Ile follow.
Lor. Ile put out the light.
Scan. No matter, I shall find the way i’ the darke.
Here was a strange discouerie but indeed,
What will not women blab to those they loue? ”

“ Doe, and Ile teach you the very mysterie of Fencing, that in a fortnight, you shall be able to challenge any Scholer vnder the degree of a Prouost, and in a quarter of a yeere, beat all the Fencers in Germany. ”

“ You haue not seene the Court then?
Lor. Not as yet.
But I desire to obserue the Fashions there.
How doe you stile your King of Sicilie?
Iag. Men call him, Sir, The iust King Atticus;
And truly too: for with an equall Scale
He waighes the offences betwixt man and man,
He is not sooth’d with adulation,
Nor mou’d with teares, to wrest the course of Iustice
Into an vniust current, to oppresse the Innocent,
Nor do’s he make the Lawes
Punish the man, but in the man the cause. ”

“ Nic. Doe, good my Lord:
I’de ha’t assoone presented as I could.
Iag. Tonight, if it be possible: farewell.
I must goe looke her out.
Nic. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
So by this meanes, I shall expresse may selfe
Studious and carefull. Scen. III.
Enter Atlanta and Avrelia.
Aur. But dost thou thinke hee’le come?
Att. He cannot chuse.
I sent him such a louing answer backe
By his Solliciter, able to make
An Eunuch to come with the conceit.
The houre’s almost at hand. Madam, command
A banquet be set forth: My charge shall be
Enter with a Banquet, Women. ”