Anonymous

“ Providence is very admirable in all its Dispensations, of strangely bringing surprising Accidents to pass; but more especially in Ireland, is her Gubernation of Chances wonderful, in preserving a People from starving, whose short Commons, in most Places, make a lively Representation of Famine. Their Skill in painting comes not near the rude Draughts of the boorish Dutch; whose Fancy is more grotesque than natural: And their Churches discover neither any Workmanship after the old Gothick Fashion ”

“ Which of the liberal Arts or Sciences thrives upon the Fees of Door-Keepers? Is copying and Abbreviation so essential a Point to Learning, a Nation could not have maintain’d a Character without it? Are so many Lines a Sheet, and so many Words in a Line, so Mathematical a Substraction of ones Money, that the Credit of the Nation must rise in Proportion to the Losses of the poor Meagre, wasted Culprit? We are told too ’tis upon a politick Account, to prevent Contention: That the more difficult is the Way to Justice, the more People are inclin’d to be quiet. ”

“ Christianity lays no Body open to be abus’d, and impos’d upon, where a regular Remedy may be had. It forbids doing as we would not be done by, and obliges us to bearing and forbearing, rather than to be litigious; but takes away no Body’s Property, nor gives so much Countenance to Injustice, as to disarm the oppress’d from recovering their Right. Had going to Law been a Crime in itself, it had never been permitted to the Jews. ”

“ The Infidelity and Loosness of the present Age, is very much owing to the Play-Houses, where the Infection of most abominable Wickedness, spreads among the Spectators, from the Lady in the Front or Side-Box, to the tawdry Chambermaid in upper Gallery. Men and Women who frequent the Theatre, are, instead of learning Virtue, surrounded with inordinate Temptations, which incite them to unlawful Desires and Actions, which soon end in the utter Ruin, both of Body and Soul. ”

“ Most of their Dwellings in this Town, as well as other Places, stand like Privies in moated Houses, hanging still over the Water; and had St. Stephen been condemn’d to suffer here, he might have been alive this Day; for unless it be their paved Cities, Gold is a little more plentiful than Stones; except it be living ones, and then for their Heaviness you may take in almost all the Nation. It is a singular Place to fat Monkies in, for there are Spiders as fat as Shrimps; and a starting Horse endangers you two Deaths at once, breaking your Neck and drowning. ”

“ Surely the Reason why they do so much affect the Circumference of their Country, and abominate the Centre, is, because they are asham’d of the Dominion; and indeed, [39] ’tis a Sign they have but a little Kindness for their Nation, who (like unnatural Sons) run from their Mother their Country, and when out of her Embraces, never return again. A Welshman, when once abroad, hath no more Tendency Home, than a Stone an Inclination to fall upward: He will trot o’er the Globe, and rather endure the Affliction of any Exile, than the cruel Punishment of being banish’d Home ”

“ Now the Use of Machines, which makes the Gods and Goddesses appear upon the Stage, is founded on the generally received Opinion of the Ethnichs, who suppose the Gods can see all things, and take Care of Men; for if there were none but Epicureans in the World, the Machines would be ridiculous, or not suffer’d, because they would directly thwart their Opinion, in affirming the Gods lead a quiet Life, free from all Sorts of Care, and if Nature sometimes doth those Things which seem miraculous, the Gods take no Notice of it, and don’t interrupt their Pleasure. ”

“ The Inhabitants in general thinking Adultery and Fornication more laudable, than drawing the Picture of Posterity in the lawful State of Matrimony, the Morbus gallicus is as fashionable all over the Country, as in any Court in Europe; nevertheless, it is no Miracle to see them look fair to the last, since they drink nothing but what Nature’s Liberality is pleas’d to bestow on ’em at Springs. Children that are troubled with Kibes are always in a sad Condition, because their poor Parents being great Strangers to any sort of salted Meat, they have no Brine to Cure them. ”

“ Every thing is so made to swim among them, that it is a Question if Elijah’s Ax were now floating there, whether it would be taken for a Miracle. The Shipping is the Babel which they boast on for the Glory of their Nation ”

“ So chargeable have been the Methods of bringing Oppressors to Account, so expensive the Armour to defend the Innocent, that one may think the first Loss had been the best, and the other wish he had let the Coat go to him that had taken away the Cloak. There’s a Revolution indeed of Estates, and where the Law has broke one Family, it has rais’d another. ”

“ The Dutch Women have much more Forehead than Face; and they are starch’d so blue, that if they once grow old, you would verily believe you saw Winter walking up to the Neck in Indigo; They are far from going naked, for of a [104] whole Woman you can see but half a Face; her Hand shews her to be a sore Labourer; and if you look lower, she’s like a Monkey chain’d about the Middle, and had rather want it in Diet, than not have Silver Hooks to hang her Keys in. Their Smocks are ever whiter than their Skin ”

“ The Women of this Country are very coming, and are as great Breeders, as any of our English Quakers; and as for the Men, they are naturally born Thieves, being as dextrous Rogues at Horse-Stealing as a Serjeant at the Poultry, or Woodstreet-Compter in selling Minutes dearer than a Watchmaker. ”

“ I can’t blame those who spend some Time with the Masters of the palestrick Art; that is, those who form the Gestures and Motions, teach how to hold the Arms, and the Hands, that we seem not to be rustick, or ignorant, to have no unseemly Carriage, no unbecoming Posture of the Feet, and that the Head and Eyes don’t differ from the other Motions of the Body. ”

“ Moreover, as the Design of Comedy is to rectify the Manners of Men and Women, nothing ought to be represented which may vitiate the Audience, for the People being generally the same, they obstinately retain the most licentious and obscene Things ”

“ It seems to be from too much Inclination to the World, such Expositions have been set up, that make a Difference in Times and Seasons, as if the Precepts of the Gospel were not always of the same Obligation; and we could excuse ourselves in the Contempt of them, because we are not the Persons they were immediately deliver’d to.
Tho’ the litigious Humour of some Men richly deserve a chargeable Remedy, there is yet a Commiseration due sometimes to their Antagonist. A Man may, whether he will or not, be engag’d in these bloody Conflicts at the Suit of his Neighbour’s Pride or Malice. ”

“ I was not so vain as to expect very splendid Furniture in such contemptible Huts; but I soon perceiv’d what Utensils were most necessary, a Dish-Clout and a Besom, and such cleansing Implements are very proper to correct the Filthiness of their Mansions. I found no Apartments in these their Habitations, every Edifice being a Noah’s Ark, where a promiscuous Family, a miscellaneous Heap of all Kind of Creatures did converse together in one Room; the Pigs and the Pullen, and other Brutes either truckling under, or lying at the Bed’s-Feet of the little more refin’d, yet their Brother Animals. ”

“ The Castle at Edinburgh is reckon’d as impregnable as a Scotchman’s sear’d Conscience; and their Capital contains but one Broad Street, by which is an University containing one College of Scholars poor both in Purse and Head. Here are no Carts, but sliding Cars; and the highest Number I ever saw on their Hackney Coaches exceeded not 29. The Scots reckon their Children spurious if they have not the Itch; and there’s as much Whoring every Day, as at Bartholomew or Southwark Fair. They Bury the Dead at Noon, to save the Charge of Torches ”

“ The Genius of the Irish is not a-whit admirable, for one Age here grows not wiser than another, like other Nations; which gives great Suspicion of a Metempsischosis, or Pythagoras’s Transmigration of the Soul to be true: Seeing, by the Conversation I had among the Bogtrotters, that the younger Folks only inherit the small Sense of their Progenitors; whose profound Knowledge was heretofore so great, as to tye Ploughs to their Horses Tails. Their Bogs are many, whence they have all their Fuel, for they burn nothing but Turf; Spiders are very plentiful, but not venomous ”

“ A fair Wind favouring us, we soon arriv’d upon the Coast of Holland, which I perceiv’d was so low, that the People had the Advantage of other Nations, for if they die in Perdition, they have a shorter Cut to Hell than the rest of their Neighbours. ”

“ Why the Men and Women here should be so unmercifully big in the Legs, above any other People, I impute to their mean Food, making no solid Chyle; so what slender Diet they eat, descending into their lower Parts, it there settles in a dropsical sort of a Humour. For all this Climate is reckon’d wholesome, it is rare to see any of the Natives past the climacterical Year ”

“ And catch him without a Blunder, which makes him love Bulls, ’tis to be fear’d the World is near its Dissolution. They speak largely of their Antiquity, boasting as if they were a People before the Creation; but, in my Opinion, Ireland could not well be in esse so early, because e’er a powerful Fiat produc’d all Things out of nothing, all Things lay in their original Chaos, so I can’t imagine of what the Irish could exist, unless they derive their Descent from those Atoms, which by a casual Concourse (as the Epicureans hold) jumping together, gave Being to the World. ”

“ And considering what wicked plotting Times we now live in, no Body can blame them for their Cautiousness of being hang’d; for tho’ it is a Death natural to them, yet they say, sleeping in a whole Skin is best. Not that they value hanging, but only they abhor the Death, unless the Office is perform’d a by a Welch Hangman, instead of an English one. ”

“ Travels thro’ WALES.
Having had a Suit of Law in Chancery, which was lost thro’ my Lawyers Mismanagement, at the Charge of twenty five Pounds out of Pocket, I could not forbear making the following Observations on the Unhappiness of those People who go to Law.
Some are so zealous to ruin one another, that Westminster-Hall is every Term made the Place of Destruction. They fasten upon, worry and tear one another; and he that gets the better, generally pays so dear for his Victory that he had better have sat down by the Loss. ”

“ John the Baptist’s Nativity they make Bonfires, and run along the Streets and Fields with Wisps of Straw blazing on long Poles to purify the Air, which they think infectious, by believing all the Devils, Spirits, Ghosts, and Hobgoblins fly abroad this Night to hurt Mankind. ”

“ As for Comedy, it is as much, nay more corrupted in Ireland, than in England, France or Italy, in too much admitting the Mimick in the Drama: And let me tell you (tho’ a Pilgrim) that since I am enter’d upon this Discourse, I must take Notice, that tho’ Comedy is an Imitation of inferior People in Ridicule, yet ought not the Ridicule to be extravagant, but gracefully and slightly touch’d, as by Terence in his Pieces. Again, altho Comedy represents low Persons, yet are they not the meanest, since it brings eminent Citizens and Magistrates on the Stage ”

“ They are not so nice-conscioned, but that they can turn out Religion to let in Policy; and a Dutch Woman, being the Head of the Husband, she takes the Horn to her own Charge, which she often multiplies, and bestows the Increase on her Man. The People are generally boorish, therefore [102] their Country is the God they Worship, War is their Heaven, Peace is their Hell, and the Spaniard, the Devil they hate.
From Schiedam I went to Rotterdam, the second great Emporium of this trading People, situated on the Side and Banks of the Maes, and fitted for all Conveniency of Transport and Importation. ”

“ Few or no Patients happen among the lying-in Women; for (like the Hebrews, as their pious Midwives pretended) they are brought to Bed without any Help; wash and do all without Nurses; and in less than half a Week do not only go abroad, but also give Earnest for being with Child again. Their newborn Infants are as hardy, and will endure Cold as well as any Laplander; or the strongest Bear subject to the Czar of Muscovy. The Irish Soil mimicks Nature like the vivifying Mud of Nile ”

“ He’s a Man’s Skin full of Prophaness, a Paradise full of Weeds; a Heaven cramm’d full of Devils, or Satan’s Bed-Chamber, hung with Arras of God’s own making. He can be thought no better than a Promethean Man; at best but a Lump of animated Dirt kneaded into Humane Shape; and if he has any such Thing as a Soul, it seems to be patch’d up with more Vices than are Patches in a poor Spaniard’s Cloak. His general Employment is to scorn all Business, but the Study of the Modes and Vices of the Times ”

“ The Middle-Gallery is taken up [8] by the midling Sort of People, as Citizens, their Wives, and Daughters, and other Jilts, who make it their Business to let out their Commodities in Fee-tail, to the first Cully she picks up, after Play is over, for a small Treat, and twelve Pence dry. The Boxes are fill’d with Lords and Ladies, who give Money to see their Follies expos’d by Fellows as wicked as themselves. And the Pit, which lively represents the Pit of Hell, is cramm’d with those insignificant Animals called Beaux, whose Character nothing but Wonder and Shame can compose ”

“ But leaving the Piper by himself to solace with the tatling Reverberation of Voice, I proceeded on my Journey into Rutlandshire, the least County in England, where at Oakham, the Shire-Town, is a Custom, that when a Nobleman comes on Horseback within its Precincts, the Inhabitants make him pay the Homage of a Shoe from his Horse, or take Money for it. ”

“ But the general Religion here is Calvanism, the Profession whereof, tho’ fatal to Monarchical Government, agrees well enough with the Parity of free States, where the People have so much Voice and Authority.
Holland, with the 16 other Provinces is call’d the Low-Countries, and the Netherlands, from their low Situation. Here live almost as many, if not more, Jews, Anabaptists, Socinians, and Papists, as Calvanists; so that a Traveller who comes hither, need not want a Religion to choose which shall best please him. ”

“ From Rotterdam I went to Delf, where I observ’d that every Mynheer shall walk the Streets as Usurers go to Bawdy-Houses, all alone and melancholly; and their Apparel is civil enough, but very uncomely, as having usually more Stuff than Shape. Holland is the Fair of all Sects, where all the Pedlars of Heresies have Leave to vent their Toys, their Ribbands, and fanatick Rattles. They will admit of all Religions but the true one ”