Arthur Machen

“ For any one who smokes less than eleven pipes per diem is not so much to be accounted a smoker as one who smoketh. And if at any time the student should feel his mouth to be, as it were, cloyed and brackish with much smoking, let him by all means pause for awhile, and drink a strong decoction of tea without either sugar or milk. For nothing is more recuperative and invigorant than this same black tea, and altogether a drink mightily to be commended. And thus in constant smoking and meditation passeth the life of the Pipe Philosopher. ”

“ But to the super-rational man, such as Dickens; here is a place of wonder and terrors, fairies and demons, a place to shudder from, certainly, but a place to rejoice over also—as one sits by the shining hearth, behind the close shut door, many a mile away across the waste.
Most men, not merely authors, are men of one idea; putting it more pleasantly, we all have a bee in our bonnets; and I am inclined to think that the bee in my bonnet, or at all events the principal bee, is an acute relish of the infinite differences of life, even from the heights unto the depths. ”

“ For since it is agreed that the superior produces the inferior, and since ideas are confessedly superior to matter, who shall say that ideas may not be so managed as to produce matter? So by continually brooding over the ideas—say of wealth—contained in a pipe the smoker might be surprised by one day seeing the ideas take visible form in the shape of gold, silver, and broad lands. ”

“ Whence it is evident the virtue exists only in the mind of the smoker, and not at all in the tobacco itself. And who is ignorant that a single puff of tobacco-smoke appears a very different thing to an aphis vastator than to a man, inasmuch as to the insect it is death, but to the man a pleasure; but if the virtue really existed in the tobacco or the smoke from the tobacco it would be the same to the one as to the other. And again, you will hear the same man express different opinions at different times concerning the qualities of the very same tobacco ”

“ A pipe, then, is a thing instrumental to our participation in the energy developed by tobacco in the state of positive existence. Now all will acknowledge that of pipes some are good, some bad, and some indifferent; let it be ours to inquire in what a pipe's excellence or goodness consists, and what kind of pipe is most likely to possess this excellence. Now a pipe that is excellent in all respects is a rare and precious thing, not to be acquired every day, and deserving of much attention when possessed. ”

“ But if the slave understand his office well, then shall it give thee joy, both by reason of the twistings and writhings of the tube and the sight of the smoke curling forth at so great a distance. Wherefore, when I shall become possessed of gold and silver in abundance, I will build me a house with a great hall about the size of a tennis-court. ”

“ I grant that if a boy of twelve, without previous preparation, smoke eight ounces of tobacco in as many hours it is not unlikely he will die, or at any rate be grievously sick, but this amounts only to saying that "Tobacco, if it be used to an inordinate extent by one not used to it, will act as a poison," which might be said of well-nigh every substance we can think of as capable of being taken into the body. But yet not a slow poison, for the boy would probably die in a very short space of time, or be at death's-door for a day or two and then recover. ”

“ Just beneath us, on the verge between heather and cornfield, stands an ancient house with mullioned windows that have withstood the storm of many a hundred year, and from its chimneys also a faint blue smoke rises straight till it meets the mountain wind. ”

“ How, then, can the Cœlosphaerics contend that the bowl is the essential part? For bowls cannot whistle, either of themselves or by the help of another. And if the essence and primary nature lies in the bowl, why do we not call this "instrument for smoking" a bowl and not a pipe? And how comes it to pass that we do not call the stem a "bowl-pipe?" Responde mihi, O genus cœlosphaericum et rotundum!
Finally Dummerkopfius citeth the famous Sorites Smalgrueli. The name of a thing expresses the innate ideas we have of that thing; the name of an "instrument for smoking tobacco" is a pipe ”

“ The young man solved the problem by writing the aforesaid "Anatomy of Tobacco." Sad stuff, as I have said, but that is not the point. The point is that we are infinitely various; and here is an instance of a very distinct way out of a very common difficulty. Every lonely young man of twenty has his own individual solution for the problem; and here was mine. Life was made at worst endurable, and at best enjoyable—in a grim sort of way.
And it was probably the only solution—for me. I have said something of a mind that would have been gay, if it had not been cast into a dismal prison. ”

“ Now one of these dispositions is a pleasure in watching the clouds of smoke as they rise, and a desire to do so. Hence if it be dark and the smoke invisible this desire is ungratified, and the pleasure reduced. So in proportion to the virtue of the tobacco is the disappointment experienced, seeing that the more virtuous it be the more does it stir up this desire of beholding the smoke. But the effect upon the body remains entirely the same, being less or greater according to the stomach of the smoker or his habitude to smoking. ”

“ For if we allow that the ideas do actually exist in the pipe itself it must follow that they exist for all who may afterward smoke it, and not alone for the original smoker. So we might suppose a new species of divination arising named capnomancy, in which by merely smoking a pipe we might gain a knowledge not only of the deeds or words of others but their very thoughts and desires, which would be an art greedily sought after and pursued, and, indeed, might have we know not what results. ”

“ So, to make a long matter short, Pythagoras returned home by way of Ægypt, then much perturbed by the cabals and discontents of an insolent soldier, who out of the malice of his heart persuading the common folk that they had a just claim to the management and enjoyment of their own country, incited them to revolt. And for a time it was like to have gone hard with Pharaoh, but he called on Gelon, Tyrant of Syracuse, to assist him in his hour of need. ”

“ May not each one of us, from the days of Adam Kadmon to now, have each a patron pipe, as it were, allotted to him, bearing a mysterious relation to his natural habit of mind and body? Hence the pipes a man smokes and his occupation and station may not entirely be disconnected, as Stoschius supposes—e. g., it may be in some part true that A is an Irish navvy because he uses a short clay, and X is a man of wealth because he smokes a meerschaum. ”

“ Whence it followeth that the watching of the smoke, as it escapes from the bowl or mouth, has a large part in the process of participation; some even going so far as to make this contemplation of the smoke the essence of participation, and the physical effect only an inseparable accident thereof. And it is alleged by many that one who smokes in total darkness knows not even whether his pipe is in or out, and will often continue inhaling contentedly his own breath, his pipe containing nought but burnt-out ashes. ”

“ For to separate cigars from tobacco would be as if in a natural history there were separate chapters—one treating of sheep shorn and the other of sheep unshorn, which were folly. For it is certain that cigars are tobacco, and come under the definition, "a herb in which resides a soporific and nicotinic virtue;" ”

“ For it is evident that in necessary matter tobacco is the only thing absolutely necessary to smoking, and in contingent necessary matter that pipes and cigar-tubes, though not absolutely necessary, are, in the vast majority of cases, used. As to contingent unnecessary matter, it is plain that men can very well smoke without possessing jars or pouches; but as to impossible matter, since smoking is defined as "the inhaling of the fume of tobacco," it is evident that the inhaling of the fume of aught beside tobacco is not smoking, and that therefore with such it is impossible to smoke. ”

“ Now as to the question whether it is good to smoke at games, I reply that in all games requiring an application of the mind it is good, as tending to increase the attention and application thereof. Such be chess-play, the philosopher's game, and all ouronomachies and metronomachies, together with games at cards and the like. But, on the other hand, I forbid smoking at tennis and all ball games in which a free play of the body and hands is required, as being likely to impede free action and lead to loss. ”

“ On the other hand, those who affirm that it is impossible that a pipe should ever cease to exist argue as follows:—That which exists cannot cease to exist (since matter is indestructible) . A pipe exists! therefore a pipe is indestructible, whence, combining these two conclusions, we determine that pipes have neither a beginning nor ending, which determination cannot fail to produce a calm and equable habit of the mind. ”

“ But notwithstanding the vows of secrecy which Pythagoras had laid on his disciples, it began to be noised abroad that there were certain men who inhaled the smoke of a herb which made them contented with all things; whereat the populace grew justly indignant, and as History telleth us (though, as is usual, it lies for the most part) , burnt down the club of the Pythagoreans, and with it was destroyed all the tobacco which was stored therein. ”

“ But, very darkly hidden beneath all the verbiage, I think I can see a dawning glimmer of recognition of the great truth that everything is very good, that there is nothing common or unclean, not even an ounce of cheap tobacco. ”

“ To smoke is to inhale tobacco, but to do this it is necessary for the mouthpiece of the pipe to come in contact with the lips. And suppose that the mouthpiece of the pipe about to be smoked is a foot distant from the lips, then move it so that it becomes nearer by a half; then again move it nearer by a quarter, and then by an eighth, and so on. By which it will continually come more and more near to the mouth, but yet will never touch it. But since it is necessary in smoking for the mouthpiece to touch the mouth, smoking is impossible. ”

“ Now, since the whole universe and all contained in it may by a comprehensive dichotomy be divided into that which belongs to oneself and that which does not, it appears plain that all the tobacco in the world may be, as far as I am concerned, also divided into that which I have and that which I have not. ”

“ Which observation applies equally to the downright acapnists, who deny all virtue whatsoever to tobacco, in whatsoever form it may be taken. For, they maintain, if there be any real savour in tobacco it must exist independently of the smoker, chewer, or snuffer, and be perceived in the same manner by all who use it. But what is more common than to hear two smokers of the same tobacco express directly contradictory judgments thereon? ”