Arthur Wing Pinero

“ Sir Tristram.
George!
Georgiana.
Yes, directly I saw Dandy Dick marched out before the auctioneer I asked John Fielder to help me, and he did, like a Briton. For I can’t live without horseflesh, if it’s only a piece of cat’s meat on a skewer. But when I condescended to keep company with the Canons and the Bishop here I promised Augustin that I wouldn’t own anything on four legs, so John sold you half of Dick, and I can swear I don’t own a horse—and I don’t—not a whole one. But half a horse is better than no bread, Tris—and we’re partners. ”

“ Of course it’s understood, sir, that we keep our little weaknesses dark. Houtwardly, sir, we remain respectable, and, I ’ope, respected. [Putting the notes into his pocket.] I wish you good-night, sir. [He walks to the door. The Dean makes an effort to recall him but fails.] And that old man ’as been my pattern and example for years and years! Oh, Edward Blore, your hidol is shattered! [Turning to The Dean.] Good-night, sir. May your dreams be calm and ’appy, and may you have a good run for your money! ”

“ Remain in my service—a sad, sober and, above all, a silent man!
[Salome and Sheba appear as Blore goes out through the window.
Salome.
Papa!
The Dean.
To your rooms! I am distracted!
Salome.
Major Tarver and Mr. Darbey!——
The Dean.
If you have sufficiently merged all sense of moral rectitude as to declare that I am not at home, do so.
Sheba.
No, no. Papa; we have accidentally discovered that you, our parent, have stooped to deception, if not to crime.
The Dean.
[Staggering back.] Oh!
Sheba.
We are still young—the sooner, therefore, we are removed from any unfortunate influence the better. ”

“ Oh, sir, you are a old gentleman—turn a charitable ’art to the Races! It’s a wicious institution what spends more ready money in St. Marvells than us good people do in a year.
The Dean.
Get up, Blore—get up. Oh, Edward Blore, Edward Blore, what weak creatures we are! ”

“ Salome.
Oh!
Tarver.
It’s all that damned India! Oh! what have I said! You will never forgive me.
Salome.
Indeed, indeed I will!
Tarver.
Never. Oh, Miss Jedd, my forgetfulness has brought me—one of my—terrible attacks—of depression!
Salome.
Major Tarver!
[She leads him to a chair into which he sinks in a ghastly state. Darbey strolls in from the Library with Sheba.
Darbey.
[To Sheba.] Your remarks about the army are extremely complimentary. On behalf of the army I thank you. We fellows are not a bad sort, take us all round. [Pg 22]
Sheba.
There’s a grand future before you, isn’t there? ”

“ Salome.
Poor dear Papa goes round with Blore at half-past nine—after that all is rest and peacefulness.
Tarver.
Then if we’re here with the closed carriage at ten—!
[They go together into the library.
Darbey.
[To Sheba.] Some of us army men can slave too. Tarver’s queer livah has thrown all the arrangements for the Fancy Ball on my shoulders. [Salome and Tarver re-enter.] Look at him—that’s when he’s enjoying life!
Tarver.
[Laughing convulsively.] Ha! ha! ha! ho! he! he! Good, eh, Miss Jedd? ”

“ Noah goes into the cell, closing the door after him.
Tris!
Sir Tristram.
Georgiana!
Georgiana.
What was my brother’s motive in bolusing Dandy last night?
Sir Tristram.
I can’t think. The first thing to do is to get him out of this hole. This good woman has arranged for his escape.
Georgiana.
But we can’t trust to Gus rolling out of a flying dogcart! Why, it’s as much as I could do!
Hannah.
Oh, yes, lady, he’ll do it. I’ve prewided for everything. Don’t betray him to Noah! There’s another—a awfuller charge hangin’ over his reverend ’ead.
Sir Tristram. ”

“ Salome.
But, Papa, who is Aunt what’s-her-name?
Sheba.
Who is she?
The Dean.
My dears—a mournful, miserable history! [With his head bent he walks to a chair, and holds out his hands to the girls, who go to him and kneel at his feet.] When you were infants your Aunt Georgiana married an individual whose existence I felt it my sad duty never to recognize. [Pg 35]
Salome.
A bad man?
The Dean.
He died ten years ago, and, therefore, we will say a misguided man. He was a person who bred horses to run in races for amusement combined with profit. ”

“ The Dean.
[With horror.] What!
Georgiana.
He’s a certainty—if those two buckets of water haven’t put him off it! He’s a moral—if he doesn’t think of his tail coming down the hill. There’s nothing like him at the weight. Keep it dark, Gus—don’t breathe a word to any of your Canons or Archdeacons, or they’ll rush at it and shorten the price for us. Go in, Gus, my boy—take your poor widowed sister’s tip and sleep as peacefully as a blessed baby! ”

“ Sheba.
[Through her tears.] We’ve been brought up as young ladies—that can’t be done for nothing!
Salome.
Sheba’s small, but she cuts into a lot of material.
The Dean.
My girls, it is such unbosomings as this which preserve the domestic unison of a family. Weep, howl, but listen. The total of these weeds which spring up in the beautiful garden of paternity is a hundred and fifty-six, eighteen, three. Now, all the money I can immediately command is considerably under five hundred pounds. ”

“ Here’s Aunt Georgiana!
Darbey.
Eh! Look out, Tarver.
[Going out quickly.
Salome.
[Pulling Tarver after her.] Come this way and let us take cuttings in the conservatory.
[They go out.
Sheba.
Mr. Darbey! Mr. Darbey, wait for me—I have decided. Yes.
[She goes out by the door as Georgiana enters excitedly at the window.
Georgiana.
[Waving her handkerchief.] Come on, Tris! The course is clear! Mind the gate-post! Hold him up! Now give him his head!
Sir Tristram and Hatcham enter by the window carrying The Dean. They all look as though they have been recently engaged in a prolonged struggle. ”

“ Sir Tristram.
Oh, the Dean! the Dean!
Salome and Sheba enter unperceived.
Sir Tristram.
[Still laughing.] I—ho! ho!—I beg your pardon, George—ha! ha! Well, now you know he’s fit, of course, you’re going to back Dandy Dick for the Durnstone Handicap.
Georgiana.
Back him! For every penny I’ve got in the world. That isn’t much, but if I’m not a richer woman by a thousand pounds to-morrow night I shall have had a bad day.
Salome.
Oh, Sheba!
[The girls come towards the Library.
Georgiana.
[Discovering them.] Hush! [To the girls.] Hallo! ”

“ Sir Tristram.
But when I touched your hand last night, you reared!
Georgiana.
Yes, Tris, old man, but love is founded on mutual esteem; last night you hadn’t put my brother’s head in that nose-bag.
[They go together to the fireplace, he with his arm round her waist.
Sheba.
[Looking in at the door.] How annoying! There’s Aunt and Sir Tristram in this room—Salome and Major Tarver are sitting on the hot pipes in the conservatory—where am I and Mr. Darbey to go? Papa! Come back! ”

“ Strychnine! [There is a heavy roll of thunder—Blore darts to the table, empties the contents of the packet into the basin, and stirs vigorously with the rolling-pin.] I’ve cooked Dandy Dick! I’ve cooked Dandy Dick! [He moves from the table in horror.] Oh! I’m only a hamatoor sportsman and I can’t afford a uncertainty. [As The Dean returns, Blore starts up guiltily.] Can I help you any more, Sir? ”

“ The Dean shakes his head mournfully, and sinks on the settee.
Georgiana.
Money?
The Dean.
There are bills, which, at a more convenient time, it will be my grateful duty to discharge.
Georgiana.
And you’re short?
The Dean.
Short?
Georgiana.
Stumped—out of coin—run low. What’ll square the bills?
The Dean.
Very little would settle the bills—but—but——
Georgiana.
I know—the Spire. Why, Gus, you haven’t got that thousand.
The Dean.
There is a very large number of estimable worthy men who do not possess a thousand pounds. With that number I have the mournful pleasure of enrolling myself.
Georgiana. ”

“ Sir Tristram.
Good-night, George.
Georgiana.
Good-night, partner. Heaven bless the little innocent in his cot.
[Sir Tristram goes out with Blore.
Georgiana.
[Calling after him.] Tris! You may take your pipe up with you. We smoke all over the Deanery.
The Dean.
[To himself.] I never smoke! Does she?
Georgiana.
[Closes the door, humming a tune merrily.] Tra la, tra la! Now, Mr. Tidd, we’ll toddle. Tra la! tra la! [She stops, looking at The Dean, who is muttering to himself.] Gus, I don’t like your looks, I [Pg 79] shall let the Vet see you in the morning. What’s wrong with you? ”

“ Tarver and Darbey with Salome and Sheba stand looking out of the window.
Sir Tristram.
George, his tail is singed a bit.
Georgiana.
The less weight for him to carry to-morrow. [Beginning to cry.] Dear old Dandy, he never was much to look at.
Sir Tristram.
The worst of it is, the fools threw two pails of cold water over him to put it out.
Georgiana.
Oh! that’s done him! [Pg 70]
The Dean.
Now, my dear Georgiana! what is a horse?
Georgiana.
A living example to a Dean. [The Dean goes distractedly into the Library.] Where is the animal?
Sir Tristram. ”

“ Tarver.
[A most miserable object, carrying a carriage umbrella.] Oh, don’t reproach us, Miss Jedd. It isn’t our fault that the Military were summoned to St. Marvells.
Darbey.
You don’t blame officers and gentlemen for responding to the sacred call of duty? [Pg 97]
Sheba.
We blame officers for subjecting two motherless girls to the shock of alighting at the Durnstone Athenæum to find a notice on the front door: “Ball knocked on the head—Vivat Regina.”
Salome.
We blame gentlemen for inflicting upon us the unspeakable agony of being jeered at by boys. ”

“ Bonny Betsy’s bound for to win the ’andicap.
The Dean.
No, no—she isn’t.
Blore.
She is, sir.
The Dean.
I know better; she can never get down the hill with those legs of hers.
Blore.
She can, sir—what’s to beat her?
The Dean.
The horse in my stable—Dandy Dick! [Pg 86]
Blore.
Dandy Dick! That old bit of ma’ogany, sir. They’re layin’ ten to one against him.
The Dean.
[With hysterical eagerness.] Are they? I’ll take it! I’ll take it!
Blore.
Lord love you, sir—fur how much?
The Dean.
Fifty! There’s the money. [Impulsively he crams the notes into Blore’s hand and then recoils in horror.] Oh! ”

“ Pinero’s idea of writing a play round a dean, who, while being a paragon of dignity and decorum, should be driven by an indiscreet act into a most undignified dilemma, appealed to Mr. Clayton, and hastening back to London with the sketches for the requisite scenes, he left Mr. Pinero to set to work at once upon the new scheme. And within a few weeks, indeed by the time the scenery was ready, the new play was completed, the rural constable of a village adjacent to Brighton having suggested the character of Noah Topping. ”

“ The Dean enters, followed by Salome, Tarver, Sheba and Darbey.
Noah.
[Confronting The Dean.] My man.
Hannah.
No, no, Noahry!
Georgiana.
You’re speaking to Dr. Jedd, the Dean of St. Marvells.
Noah.
I’m speaking to the man I took last night—the culprit as ’as allynated the affections of my wife.
Sir Tristram.
Wait—one moment! [Going out at the window. [Pg 159
[Salome and Tarver go into the Library and sit at the writing-table. Darbey sits in an arm-chair with Sheba on the arm.
The Dean.
[Mildly.] Do not let us chide a man who is conscientious even in error. [Looking at Hannah.] ”

“ Darbey has brought his violin.
Tarver.
[In a rage, glaring at Darbey.] Hah! There now!
Darbey.
[To Blore.] You’ll find it in the hall. [Pg 63]
[Blore goes out. The Dean dozes in a chair. Salome and Sheba talk to Georgiana at the table.
Tarver.
[To himself.] He always presumes with his confounded fiddle when I’m going to entertain. He knows that his fiddle’s never hoarse and that I am, sometimes.
Darbey.
[To himself.] Tarver always tries to cut me out with his elderly Chest C. He ought to put it on the Retired List. ”

“ Hannah.
That’s the horse. Now Nick was formerly in the Durnstone Fire Brigade, and when he ’ears the familiar signal of a double whistle you can’t hold him in. There’s the whistle. [Putting it into The Dean’s pocket.] Directly you turn into Pear Tree Lane, blow once and you’ll see Noah with his nose in the air, pullin’ fit to wrench his ’ands off. Jump out—roll clear of the wheel—keep cool and ’opeful and blow again. Before you can get the mud out of your eyes Noah and the horse and cart will be well into Durnstone, and may Providence restore a young ’usband safe to his doatin’ wife! ”

“ Hannah Topping, formerly Evans, it is my duty to inform you that your reasoning does more credit to your heart than to your head.
Hannah.
I can’t help that. The Devil’s always in a woman’s heart because it’s the warmest place to get to! [Taking a small key from the table drawer.] Here, take that! [Pushing the key into the pocket of his coat.] When you once get free from my darling Noah that key unlocks your handcuffs!
The Dean.
Handcuffs! [Pg 116]
Hannah.
How are you to get free, that’s the question now, isn’t it? I’ll tell you. My Noah drives you over to Durnstone with old Nick in the cart. ”