Dean Rivers

“ Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare was a broker? Because no other man has furnished so many stock quotations.
How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog? One wears an entire costume, the other wears simply a coat and pants.
Why is a youth trying to raise a moustache like a cow’s tail? Because he grows down. ”

“ Why is a sheep like a professional gambler? Because he is brought up on the turf, gambols in his youth, herds with blacklegs, and is fleeced at last.
Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? ”

“ Why is anthracite coal like true love? Because it burns with a steady flame.
Why is a very amusing man like a bad shot? Because he keeps the game alive.
When people are quarreling out of doors, what should they do? ”

“ How can you by changing the pronunciation of a word only turn mirth into crime? By making man’s laughter manslaughter.
Why is a room full of married people like an empty room? Because there is not a single person in it. ”

“ What is that which never flies except when its wings are broken? An army.
What is the difference between a very fascinating young lady and her watch? The watch makes one remember the hours, and the young lady makes one forget them. ”

“ What is the difference between an old penny and a new dime? Nine cents.
How is the best way to make a coat last? To make the trousers and vest first.
What word of four syllables would a man utter if he should eat his wife and wanted to express his approbation of the deed? Gladiator (glad I ate her) .
Why does a cat look on first one side and then another when she enters a room? Because she can’t look on both sides at the same time.
Why is a widower like a young baby? ”

“ Why is a professional thief very comfortable? Because he usually takes things so easy.
When is a man obliged to keep his word? When no one will take it.
Why is an attractive woman like a successful gambler? Because she has such winning ways. ”

“ Why is Sunday the strongest day in the week? Because the rest are week days.
Why is a needle one of the most persistent of forces? It always has an eye open for business, and invariably carries its point. ”

“ It is most fortunate that the services of a person so distinguished have been secured for the preparation of this book, especially since he has put in it his own original matter exactly as he uses it nightly to convulse his audiences with laughter. ”

“ Who does the Bible say may carry on a flirtation? It says widow’s mite (might) .
Why are respectable hotels like the elysium of the gods? Because no bad spirits are permitted to enter them.
Why is grass like a mouse? Because the cat’ll eat it (cattle eat it) .
Why are convicts like old maids going to be married? Because they go off in transports.
How do we know the fair queen of day has a lover? She is always followed by a night (knight) . ”

“ What is one of the rules of war? That it is death to stop a cannon ball.
Why are photographers the most uncivil of all tradespeople? Because when we make application for a copy of our portrait, they always reply with a negative. ”

“ Why is a street-car like the heart of a coquette? Because there is always room for one more to be taken in.
When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes a roll in bed.
Why are dealers in glassware unlike all other dealers? Because it won’t do for them to crack up their goods.
What is it that a gentleman has not, never can have, and yet can give to a lady? A husband.
Why is a man just imprisoned like a boat full of water? ”

“ When is a soldier like a horse? When he draws a load.
Why is it nonsense to pretend that love is blind? Because you never knew a man in love that did not see ten times more in his sweetheart than others did.
Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they scintillate (sin till-late) .
Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? They are both hardly done.
80Why is a man happier with two wives than with one? He may be happy with one, but with two he is nearly sure to be transported. ”

“ Why is it that whenever you are looking for anything you always find it in the last place you look? Because you always stop looking when you find it.
102Why is the world like a cat’s tail? Because it is fur to the end of it.
What is the most difficult lock to pick? One from a bald head.
If Rider Haggard had been Lew Wallace, who would “She” have been? “Ben-Hur.”
What would a pig do who wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a knot in his tail and call it a pig’s tie.
Why is snow like a maple tree? Because it leaves in the early spring.
Who is the first nobleman mentioned in the Bible? ”

“ Why is Philadelphia more subject to earthquakes than any other city? Because she is a Quaker city.
Why is a policeman on his beat like an Irishman rolling down a hill? Because he’s patroling (Pat rolling) .
15If the alphabet were all invited out to supper, in what order would they come? They would all get there down to S, and the rest would come after T.
What would contain all the snuff in the world? No one nose (knows) .
Why is a hound like a man with a bald head? Because he makes a little hare (hair) go a long ways.
What is the first thing a man sets in his garden? His foot. ”

“ Why is a bridegroom often more expensive than a bride? Because the bride is given away, but the bridegroom is often sold.
Why is divinity the easiest of all professions? Because it is easier to preach than to practice. ”

“ Why will an insolent fishmonger get more business than a civil one? Because when he sells fish, he gives sauce with it.
Why does a fat man, when squeezed, compliment the ladies? Because the pressure makes him flatter.
Why is an old man like a window? He is full of pains (panes) .
What’s the difference between photographing and the whooping cough? One makes fac similes, the other makes sick families.
What is smaller than a mite’s mouth? That which goes into a mite’s mouth.
What is it that is a cat and not a cat, and yet is a cat? A kitten. ”

“ Why are blind persons compassionate? Because they feel for other persons.
Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles? Because when exposed to the fire they run.
Why is Satan always a gentleman? Because, being the imp of darkness he can never be imp-o’-light. ”

“ Why is a nice, but uncultured girl like brown sugar? Because she is sweet but unrefined.
Why are some women very much like tea-kettles? Because they sing away pleasantly and then all at once boil over. ”

“ If through passenger trains, running to and from Philadelphia and San Francisco daily, start at the same hour from each place (difference of longitude not being considered) and take the same time—seven days—for the trip, how many through trains will the Pacific Express, that leaves the San Francisco depot at 9 P. M. Sunday, have met when it reaches the Philadelphia depot?
Answer.—As the Pacific Express starts from San Francisco, a train which left Philadelphia the previous Sunday reaches San Francisco, which is not to be counted as a meeting of trains. ”

“ Why is a little dog’s tail like the heart of a tree? Because it’s farthest from the bark.
Why are actresses like pipes? They are mere-shams.
What workman never turns to the left? A wheelwright.
Why does a freight car need no locomotive? The freight makes the car-go.
When are weeds not weeds? When they become widows.
What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of body.
70Why is a balloonist greatly to be envied? Because he rises rapidly in the world and has excellent prospects.
What letter in the alphabet is most useful to a deaf old woman? ”

“ For dentistry, because they have a good pull.
Why has a chambermaid more lives than a cat? Because each morning she returns to dust.
Why ought the man who handles the reins on a horse car be successful? Because he does a driving business. ”

“ Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the clothes (close) of the week.
Why is an actress like an angel? Because we seldom see one that is not painted.
At what time by the clock is a pun most effective? When it strikes one.
What is that which never asks any questions, but requires so many answers? The door-bell.
40What kind of a book do some men wish their wives might resemble? An almanac, for then they could have a new one every year.
Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? To let you pass through. ”

“ What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow? One is hard up, the other is soft down.
What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician? One lays at pleasure the other plays at leisure. ”

“ Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because it’s a little ahead of the main hatch.
Why is a book your best friend and companion? Because when it bores you, you can shut it up without giving offense.
Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the press at his back.
What sort of men are most above board in their movements? Chessmen.
Why is playing chess a better occupation than playing cards? Because you play chess with two bishops and cards with four knaves.
90When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched? ”

“ The collection as a whole will afford innocent recreation for the fireside and social circle, and thus contribute to the happiness of those who enjoy the higher forms of pleasure that flow from the exercise of the mind upon those subjects that require quickness of thought and a nimble wit. ”

“ How does the postage-stamp have the advantage of the small boy? It can never be licked but once.
Why were the brokers in the panic of 1873 like Pharaoh’s daughter? They saved a little prophet from the rushes on the banks.
Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he takes you in with an open countenance.
Why are chemists and alchemists both of the feminine gender? Because one is an analyzer (Ann Eliza) , the other a charlatan (Charlotte Ann) .
How do we know that Noah had a pig in the Ark? ”

“ Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive? Because she sends off the sparks, transports the mails, and has a train following her.
What is the cheapest feature of the face? Nostrils, two for a scent (cent) .
Why are stout gentlemen prone to melancholy? Because they are men of size (sighs) .
When does the rain become too familiar to a lady? When it begins to pat-her (patter) on the back.
What relation is a door mat to a door step? A step farther.
57Why is a baker like some very disreputable people? Because he’s a loafer and a white-cap. ”

“ Why have chickens no fear of a future state? Because they have their next world (necks twirled) in this.
28Why cannot a deaf man be legally convicted? Because it is unlawful to condemn a man without a hearing.
Why is a man who beats his wife like a thorough-bred horse? Because he’s a perfect brute. ”

“ What is it George Washington seldom saw, God never saw, and we see every day? Our equals.
What is better than God, worse than the devil, the dead live on, and the living would die if they lived on? Nothing.
11Prove by logic that an oyster is better than heaven. Nothing is better than heaven; an oyster is better than nothing; therefore an oyster is better than heaven. ”

“ Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer? Because he lies on one side, then turns around and lies on the other.
Why do tailors make very ardent lovers? Because they press their suits.
When is a man of greatest use at the dinner-table? When he is a spoon. ”

“ Why is a very discontented man easily satisfied? Because nothing satisfies him.
Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves? Because they ought to be taken up.
Why is the north pole like an illicit whisky manufactory? Because it is a secret still.
50Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate things? Because they make a noise whenever they are told.
Why is it unjust to blame coachmen for cheating us? Because we call them to take us in.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has its claws at the end of its paws, a comma its pause at the end of a clause. ”

“ One is caused by the presence of rocks, the other by the scarcity of rocks.
76What is that which we all can eat, and often drink, though it sometimes is a woman and often a man? We eat toast and drink a toast.
Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be foul language.
Why is a cherry like a book? Because it is red (read) .
Why are heavy showers like heavy drinkers? Because they usually begin with little drops.
What is that by losing an eye has nothing left but a nose? A noise.
Why is a four-quart jar like a lady’s side-saddle? Because it holds a gal-on (gallon) . ”

“ What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, becomes a word of two syllables? Plague; ague.
A crown which was the pride of ancient Rome: whichever way it is read, it is the same. Civic.
What lesson of life can the small boy learn from the fire engine? It must work or it can’t play.
Why is a young lady like a sheaf of wheat? First she is cradled, then thrashed, and finally she becomes the flour of the family.
Who is it that always has a number of movements on foot for making money? A dancing master. ”

“ When is a silver cup most likely to run? When it’s chased.
When may a man’s pocket be empty and yet have something in it? When it has a hole in it.
Why is an engraver fearless of drowning? Because he is accustomed to die sinking. ”

“ When does a man impose on himself? When he taxes his memory.
Why is a young man visiting his sweetheart like the growth of a successful newspaper? His visits commenced on a weekly, grew to be tri-weekly, and then become daily, with a Sunday supplement. ”

“ The letter L.
78Why are ladies the biggest thieves in existence? Because they steel their petticoats, bone their stays, crib their babies, and hook their dresses.
Why is a man who makes additions to a false rumor like one who has confidence in all that is told to him? Because he re-lies on all he hears. ”

“ How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a miss is as good as a mile.
Why should colts avoid exposure? Because they might take cold and become a little horse (hoarse) .
In what respect is matrimony a game of cards? Why, a woman has a heart, a man takes it with a diamond, and after that her hand is his.
91When is a new dress older than an old one? When it’s more (moire) antique.
What is the name of the plant most fatal to mice? Cat-nip.
Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter? Because he is an utterer of bad notes. ”