Edith B. Ordway

“ What word is there of five letters, that, by taking two away, leaves but one? Stone.
What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, remains a word of two syllables? Plague; ague.
Why is the letter E a gloomy and discontented vowel? Because, though never out of health and pocket, it never appears in spirits.
Why are the fourteenth and fifteenth letters of the alphabet of more importance than the others? Because we cannot get ON well without them. ”

“ Why is a cook more noisy than a gong? One makes a din, the other a dinner.
What death does the sculptor die? He makes faces, and busts.
When may a room that is full of people be said to be empty? When there is not a single person in it. ”

“ Why is a bride, weary of her apartment home, like a wrecked automobile? They've both got flat tire. [Pg 90]
Why is a gardener like a detective-story writer? Because he works up his plot.
Why is a widower in love again like a good gardener? Because he immediately removes his weeds. ”

“ Why is money often moist? Because it is frequently dew in the morning, and mist at night.
Why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because they lie first on one side, and then on the other, and remain wide awake all the time. ”

“ All bright and clever minds have seen the possibilities of the pun, and so common is it as an impromptu form of wit among keen people, so general the temptation to fall into it, that it is looked upon with disfavor, as a pitfall for thought, [Pg viii] which often prevents it from finishing its course.
The conundrum has, however, an ancient and honorable lineage, and, while not often given its precise form in conversation or anecdote, is readily adapted to the permanent embodiment of those flashes of wit which enlighten and cheer. ”

“ Why is a retired actor like an extortioner? Because he is an ex-actor.
Who has most need to pray to be delivered from temptation? An editor, for he is beset by the "devil."
How can an actress appear in two pieces on the same evening? ”

“ Under what circumstances are a builder and a newspaper reporter equally likely to fail? When they make up stories without foundations.
Why is a hack-horse a miserable creature? Because his mind is always on the rack, and his only consolation is woe (whoa!) ”

“ Why is a horse that is constantly rid, though never fed, never starved? Because he's never without a bit.
Why is a sleepy servant like a warming pan? Because he's in bed before his master.
Why is a rich farmer like a man with bad teeth? ”

“ What is the action of the moon? It affects physically the tide, and sentimentally the untied.
Why is a father who frequently thrashes his boy likely to be prosecuted? Because he exerts undue influence in the making of a will. ”

“ From this fact grew the following conundrum:) Why did a knight take place of a gentleman? Because they were knights nowadays before they were gentlemen.
Why do fat men love their ease so much? Because the soul in a fat body lies soft, and is therefore loath to rise.
Who is he that has a fine wit in jest? A fool in earnest.
One, hearing that a traveler had been on the peak of Teneriffe (which is supposed to be one of the highest hills in the world) , asked him why he had not stayed there, for he was sure he would never come so near heaven again.
What countryman is the devil? ”

“ With the earliest development of intelligence came the discovery of likeness and difference in things, and the search for analogy was carried out along both sensible and absurd lines, the latter drifting into a double analogy of thought and form, of which the conundrum is the logical product.
The literatures of all peoples contain the riddle, which might be witty or serious as impulse prompted. ”

“ Why is matrimony like an invested city? Because when we are out of it we wish to be in it, and when we are in it we wish to be out of it.
Why is a person of short stature like an almanac? Because he is often looked over or over-looked. ”

“ Smiths are the most irregular of handicrafts men, because they never think that they are better employed than when they are addicted to their vices.
It is no great matter what a drunkard says in his drink, for he never says anything that he can stand to.
"Horse-keepers and ostlers (let the world go which way it will, though there be never so much alteration in times and persons) are still stable men."
A hypocrite is odious to God, to man, and to the devil. God hates him, because he is not what he seems; man hates him, because he seems what he is not ”

“ Why is a vine like a soldier? Because it is 'listed, trained, has tendrils, and then shoots.
Why is a miserly uncle with whom you have quarreled like a person with a short memory? Because he is ever for-getting, and never for-giving. ”

“ What is it that stands aloft, and regulates our daily movements, yet feels no interest in our concerns; directs us when to go, and when to come; yet cares not whether we attend or not; still, thus indifferent to our fate, often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on, and we feel no resentment when the reproof is given? ”

“ Œdipus, the unacknowledged son of the King of Thebes, who had shortly before unknowingly killed his father, undertook to rid the city of the monster. He boldly confronted the Sphinx, who asked him the riddle, "What animal is it that in the morning goes on four feet, at noon on two, and in the evening upon three?" Œdipus replied, "Man, who in childhood creeps on hands and knees, in manhood walks erect, and in old age goes with the aid of a staff." [1] The Sphinx thereupon cast herself from the rock and perished, and the Thebans made Œdipus king. ”

“ Why is the sun like a good loaf? It is light when it rises.
Why may a dyspeptic hope for a long life? He can't die just (digest) now.
Why does a person who is ailing lose his sense of touch? Because he does not feel well. ”

“ This book presents a grindstone whereon the reader may whet his wits. It is of sufficient hardness to resist the coarsest metal of broad-bladed humor, and of sufficient fineness of grain to edge the best steel of fancy. ”

“ What is the greatest eye-sore in a farmyard? A pig-sty.
What is better than God, worse than the devil, what the dead live on, and the living would die if they lived on? Nothing.
Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from going too far. [Pg 103]
Whence proceeds the eloquence of a lawyer? From his mouth.
At what time by the clock is a pun the most effective? When it strikes one.
Why is a dead hen better than a live one? Because she will lay wherever you put her.
Why is a true and faithful friend like a garden seed? ”

“ Why is a man whose "heart is in his mouth" through fright, like a cabbage? Because his heart's in his head.
Why is a shoemaker more charitable than another man? Because he is ready to give any man a lift. ”

“ Why are the men appointed to wind up the affairs of a bank whose treasurer has defaulted, as bad as the treasurer himself? Because the receiver is as bad as the thief.
Why do architects make excellent actors? Because they are good at drawing houses. ”

“ Why is a young man who seldom attends church, sitting in the pulpit of a leaky church in a rain storm, like one who constantly attends church? Because he is sitting under the droppings of the sanctuary. ”

“ What is that which a cat has but no other animal? Kittens.
Why is an egg like a colt? Because it isn't fit for use until it's broken.
How is it guns can kick when they have no legs? They kick with their breeches.
Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle? Because he departs from his sphere of action. ”

“ Why is a mouse entering a mouse trap like a diplomat arguing his policy? Because each has a well-defined end in view.
When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes a roll in bed. ”

“ When is a young lady not a young lady? When she's a sweet tart (sweetheart) .
Which is better, getting the girl of your choice or a shoulder of mutton? A shoulder of mutton; as nothing earthly can be better than getting her you love, and a shoulder of mutton is much better than nothing.
At what period in his sorrow does a widower recover from the loss of his dear departed? When he re-wives (revives) .
Why are policemen particularly required in a hop ground? Because there are always so many people picking pockets there. ”

“ When may two people be said to be half-witted? When there is an understanding between them.
Why is the science of self-defense like low tide? It develops the muscles.
Why should a teetotaler never take a wife? He will not sup-porter (support her) .
Why should free seats at church be abolished? They make people good for nothing.
What relation is the door-mat to the threshold? A step-father (farther) .
When is love deformed? When it is all on one side.
Where have you the most extended view? In a hop-garden, for then you see from pole to pole. ”