Edgar Jepson

“ Having thus equipped ourselves for our philanthropic enterprise, and having decided to use the sand-bag, we allowed Fortune to choose who should strike the mere blow. We took a pack of cards, shuffled it in turn, and having decided that, as at the reputable games of chance, the lowest should deal—I mean strike—we cut. For my part, I cut with a singular uneasiness, and turned up the five of clubs with a veritable but unworthy thrill of dismay. Bottiger cut the knave of clubs, and I heard with some disgust his gasp of relief. Then Chelubai cut the three of diamonds, and my heart lifted. ”

“ Chelubai's method of overcoming my resolution was different. He nagged and nagged. He nagged at me about my blindness to the claims of Humanity; he nagged at me about my forgetfulness of the sick children, and he nagged at me for "gagging the dictates"—his own phrases—of my better nature. I often pained him by my truculence.
I withstood their efforts, and my resolution would have remained unbroken, for all my sympathy with their just wrongs as bridge players, had not Sir Reginald himself sapped it. By some accident Angel and I chanced to be lunching at the Café Royal. ”

“ The coming of Chelubai and Bottiger lifted me out of my heaviness for the time being, and braced me to the point of resolving to strive to prevent life forcing its triviality upon my attention. They begged me to go back with them to Quorley for a week, assuring me that it would make another man of me. But I could not bring myself to leave London; the idea that Angel was in it was fixed in my mind, and the thought of missing that one chance in a thousand of finding her veritably frightened me. ”

“ I cannot stand immorality in a business man. It frets me every time."
"But there's no immorality. Gregson assured me that they were mere flirtations."
"It is immoral," said Chelubai firmly. "Any trifling with the affections of a woman is an attack on the sanctity of the home!"
"I didn't know you felt so strongly about it."
"I do," said Chelubai. "And I tell you that any qualms I had about the poor time Pudleigh's spirit would have, because of the cutting short of this incarnation, have vanished—yes, sir, vanished utterly." ”

“ Perhaps I did," said Chelubai. "But that's the worst of enthusiasm—one gets carried away."
"You ought not to. You have had a business training; and if it is not as absolutely useless as I have always suspected, it ought to have taught you restraint."
"I suppose it ought," said Chelubai.
"Of course when one thinks of Humanity, one is apt to get carried away," I said. "But I think when you are sounding an heir you should try to persuade yourself that you are not engaged in a glorious philanthropic enterprise, but merely in a cold business transaction. ”

“ I shouldn't dream of having a partner who is either a drunkard or a gambler!"
"Of course not! Of course not! I was forgetting," said Chelubai peaceably. "Is he susceptible?"
"If you mean to the charms of the fair sex, he is," said Honest John Driver, still wearing an offended air.
"That will do even better," said Chelubai. "You had better give a dinner here to-morrow night. I will bring Mr. Armitage and his sister, and you can bring Gutermann."
"And you'll bring Sir Ralph Bottiger?" said Driver eagerly. "It will—impress Gutermann." ”

“ Chelubai almost wailed.
"I'm very glad you didn't!" said Angel sharply, "You'd no right to do anything of the kind till you knew for certain that this Gutermann is a wicked and objectionable person who deserves to be removed."
Chelubai bowed his head meekly to the reproof.
"Patience—patience," said I. "The resources of the intellect of the modern world are not yet so exhausted that it will not find a way. We have not even seen our man yet; that dinner to-morrow night may give us the idea." ”

“ I said quickly. "That will fill her with a disinterested zeal for Humanity that will burn stronger and longer than your own."
"Do you think so?" said Chelubai, and his rough-hewn, Red-Indian face brightened.
"I'm sure of it," I said with conviction.
"But—but I'm not sure that I could knock people on the head," said Angel, in a rather depressed tone.
"Oh, you'd soon get into it; it's merely a knack," I said cheeringly. "And there's another side to the matter: have we any right to reject my sister's useful help? In philanthropy, as in other expressions of human energy, beauty has its uses. ”

“ Honest John Driver pulled himself together and looked round. The honesty, which had not been conspicuous for some time in his face, shone out in all its old brazen ostentation, and he said: "I'm afraid I haven't got my check-book with me. I'll send you a check as soon as I get back to town."
"What!" I shouted. "No check! Burn him! Burn him!"
"Burn him! Burn him!" yelled Chelubai.
"Burn him!" cried Angel.
"Burn him!" roared Bottiger, and catching him by the scruff of the neck, he shook him vigorously.
"Wait! Wait!" screeched the King of Finance. "I may have a blank check on me! ”

“ Chelubai was checked. He hesitated and said: "Well, perhaps she hasn't. But still the notion of removing her is repugnant to me. To remove a woman is not a chivalrous act."
"The lesser virtues must give place to the greater—chivalry to philanthropy," I said firmly.
"That's what I think," Bottiger broke in. "And I suppose Jubb would subscribe handsomely to the hospital."
This touch of practical philanthropy cleared the air, and in a breath Chelubai's face changed from that of a transcendentalist to that of a brainy American. ”

“ Angel showed an admirable tact and quickness.
When at last, with a last languishing glance and last compliment, Sir Reginald took his leave of us, Bottiger broke out, saying: "Really, Roger, I can't understand how you can allow that insufferable old ruffian to bore your sister all day—the drive was enough!"
I said severely: "The path of Philanthropy cannot be all roses. You should not expect it."
Chelubai said, with a very honorable warmth: "I quite feel with Bottiger. It grates on me—grates on me." ”

“ Chelubai nodded: "But I don't see how you're going to get married yourself; you're in just the same position as I."
"Pardon me; nothing short of hanging can prevent me marrying anyone I want, for it's only being hanged that will stamp me as a practical philanthropist."
"You English are so unconscientious," said Chelubai reproachfully. Then his face cleared, and he went on more cheerfully: "But, after all, your sister won't always need your consent. She'll be of age and able to marry as she likes." ”

“ I said gratefully, "and we should like our check."
"Your check?" said the King of Finance, with an excellent start of surprise. "What check?"
"Our check for three thousand five hundred for removing Gutermann out of touch with civilization from the first to the twelfth of March."
"I don't understand," he said, frowning upon me severely. "The purpose for which he was removed came to nothing; you can't expect me to pay over a failure."
"Your failure or success does not affect us," I said coldly. "We contracted to remove Gutermann, and we removed him; we want paying." ”

“ When I was not absorbed in my fruitless search for Angel, or in gambling, I went in a dull heaviness, forever cursing the tiresome emptiness of life.
Chelubai and Bottiger came down from Quorley for a day or two a fortnight later, on the pretence that they wanted a taste of town, really to see Angel. Both of them asked me what ailed me, and showed a concern at my haggardness which touched me the more that I had given them no sympathy in their disappointment at the absence of Angel. ”

“ The proper people to remove are the financiers and captains of industry. They're the real criminals, preying upon humanity."
"I see. Instead of removing a king of a country, they should remove a King of Beef, or a King of Pork, or a Grocer Prince," said I.
"Exactly," said Chelubai.
"It is doubtless a very sound principle. But as a Socialist I abhor violence," I said sternly.
"For goodness' sake, don't go dragging in your beastly Socialism!" cried Bottiger, fuming. "It's enough to have to listen to Chelubai's gassing without that!" ”