Elsie Duncan Yale

“ Abner.—A college education is an excellent thing but I prefer life in the great mercantile world, and what could be more stimulating to health, happiness and psychological contentment than the dissemination of useful articles conducive to cheerfulness and cleanliness which when once tried, always used. Let me call you attention to these novelties especially appropriate and appreciated as Christmas gifts for mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, wives, daughters, sweethearts, and others. ”

“ Rastus (aside) .—That’s us, Abner, cultured an’ intelligent!
Inventor.—My invention is the result of years of study, experimentation and research and is destined to fill a long felt want.
Tom (aside) .—That’s what they say about every new rat-trap, egg-beater, dictionary, or patent hairpin.
Inventor.—One of the secrets of the psychological unrest which characterizes the human race is that each person desires, in short, to be someone else. The poor man wishes he were rich, the rich man would like to be a boy again, the young would like to be old, and the old young. ”

“ It is Christmas isn’t it. I had forgotten all about it.
Rastus.—Yes, sir, this am the happy Christmas time when everybody gives presents, specially to them what has blackened their shoes and brushed their overcoats and waited on them in the diner. Folks gives them pussons presents like fifty cent pieces an’ dollar bills to show their appreciation an’ gratitude.
Abner.—Well, Rastus, you come round here this spring and I’ll give you an asparagus tip.
Inventor.—Ladies, gentlemen and Rastus!
Rastus.—What’s dat? Ladies, gen’l’men and Rastus!
Inventor.—Surely. You’re not a lady, are you? ”

“ Edith.—I get nervous, too, and when I was in England with Cousin Lydia, I had two bags and a rug, and I asked the porter if he had seen two rags and a bug.
Miss Prudence (looking about her) .—How delightfully comfortable it is here, and how charming your old-fashioned furniture is. We don’t see anything like it nowadays.
Tom.—No, modern furniture is on the instalment plan; pay a dollar down and a dollar a week till death us do part.
Miss Priscilla.—If you will permit us, Miss Susan, we will continue our fancy work, for we are somewhat belated with our Christmas gifts. (Abner enters.) ”

“ Abner.—Well, I wish I could be a soap salesman so the girls would take some notice of me, like that feller that comes round here every once in awhile an’ sells perfumery and stuff.
Inventor.—Very well, young man, step into the box and your wish shall be granted.
Abner.—Goodbye chores! And bossy cows and pigs and chickens, I’m going on the road.
Susan.—Mercy! I don’t know how I can get along without Abner. He was very troublesome sometimes but he was a helpful boy, and a splendid hand with the pigs and chickens. (Business of rattle, etc. Abner comes out of the box) . ”

“ Miss Markus.—I asked a boy what gravitation was and he said, “Gravitation is that which if there were none we should all fly away.”
Miss Wise.—I was positively discouraged with my algebra class. One girl wrote that algebraic symbols were used when you didn’t know what you were talking about.
(Abner’s whistle is heard.)
Miss Markus.—O that whistling! Is that all he can whistle?
Susan.—Yes, and it gets on my nerves somethin’ awful sometimes.
Miss Markus.—Have you a lemon? Lemon juice is most good for everything.
(Susan procures a lemon and hands it to her as Abner and Tom enter with tree.) ”

“ Susan.—Then Mr. Tom you an’ Abner go out and chop down a tree. Land sakes! Abner’s asleep an’ I never called him till quarter past three! Abner! Wake up! Take off them slippers, an’ put on your gum boots, an’ go chop down a tree!
Abner (drowsily) .—I ain’t George Washington! Work again!
(Repeats) . O life is just a round of joy
To one who is a hired boy.
(Whistling, exeunt Abner and Tom.)
Susan.—Now we’ll get the decorations ready. (Takes up bowl of popcorn.) I know you young ladies will enjoy stringing these. (Bring pail of cranberries, needles and thread.) ”

“ Across the rear of the platform a dark curtain is stretched, making as it were a false wall to the room. This conceals the box until it is needed, and affords opportunity for the characters to make the necessary changes in their costumes. ”

“ Susan.—Yes, Abner, you are a right lucky boy to be hired man here I can tell you, an’ I hope you won’t be foolish an’ run away to the city. You may be plumb thankful you have to work. Do you know who finds mischief for idle hands? ”