Finley Peter Dunne

“ I'm a modest man. Won't somebody else get up? Won't ye get up, Tiddy Rosenfelt; won't ye, Willum Jennings Bryan; won't ye, Prisidint Eliot; won't ye, pro-fissors, preachers, doctors, lawyers, iditors? Won't annybody get up? Won't annybody say that they don't know annything about annything worth knowin' about? Thin, be Hivens, I will. All alone I'll stand up befure me class an' say: 'Hinnissy, about annything that can't be weighed on a scales or measured with a tape line I'm as ign'rant as—ye'ersilf. I'll have to pay ye back th' money I took fr'm ye f'r ye'er schoolin'. ”

“ I have no sympathy with thim anny more thin I have with people goin' off to a picnic. A sthrike is a wurrukin' man's vacation. If I had to be wan iv thim horny-handed sons iv toil, th' men that have made our counthry what it is an' creates th' wealth iv th' wurruld—if I had to be wan iv thim pillars iv th' constitution, which thank Gawd I haven't, 'tis sthrikin' I'd be all th' time durin' th' heated term. I'd begin sthrikin' whin th' flowers begin to bloom in th' parks, an' I'd stay on sthrike till 'twas too cold to sit out on th' bleachers at th' baseball park. ”

“ He's a kind iv a society f'r th' previntion of croolty to money. If he finds a man misusing his money he takes it away fr'm him an' adopts it. ”

“ Why, they wudden't know how to vote. They think it's an aisy job that anny wan can do, but it ain't. It's a man's wurruk, an' a sthrong man's with a sthrong stomach. I don't know annything that requires what Hogan calls th' exercise iv manly vigor more thin votin'. It's th' hardest wurruk I do in th' year. I get up befure daylight an' thramp over to th' Timple iv Freedom, which is also th' office iv a livery stable. Wan iv th' judges has a cold in his head an' closes all th' windows. ”

“ We're th' most onselfish people in th' wurruld. All th' throubles iv th' neighborhood ar-re my throubles an' my throubles ar-re me own. If ye shed a tear f'r anny person but wan ye lose ye'er latch-key, but havin' no wan in partiklar to sympathize with I'm supposed to sympathize with ivry wan. On th' conthry if ye have anny griefs ye can't bear ye dump thim on th' overburdened shoulders iv ye'er wife. But if I have anny griefs I must bear thim alone. If a bachelor complains iv his throubles people say: 'Oh, he's a gay dog. ”

“ Manny a plain but determined young woman have I seen happily marrid an' doin' th' cookin' f'r a large fam'ly whin her frind who'd had her pitcher in th' contest f'r th' most beautiful woman in Brighton Park was settin' behind th' blinds waitin' f'r some wan to take her buggy ridin'.
"So it is with us. A man with a face that looks as if some wan had thrown it at him in anger nearly always marries befure he is old enough to vote. He feels he has to an' he cultivates what Hogan calls th' graces. How often do ye hear about a fellow that he is very plain but has a beautiful nature. ”

“ Among th' grounds ar-re snorin', deefness, because wan iv th' parties dhrinks an' th' other doesn't, because wan don't dhrink an' th' other does, because they both dhrink, because th' wife is addicted to sick headaches, because he asked her what she did with that last $10 he give her, because he knows some wan else, because she injyes th' society iv th' young, because he f'rgot to wind th' clock. A husband can get a divoorce because he has more money thin he had; a wife because he has less. Ye can always get a divoorce f'r what Hogan calls incompatibility iv temper. ”

“ Clocks ar-re habichool liars, an' so ar-re scales. As soon as annything gets good enough to weigh ye can't weigh it. ”

“ Dooley, "is a doctor that thinks a man must be crazy to be rich. That's thrue iv most iv us, but these doctors don't mean it th' way I do. Their theery is that annything th' rich do that ye want to do an' don't do is looney. As between two men with money, th' wan with most money is craziest. If ye want a diploma f'r sanity, Hinnissy, th' on'y chance ye have iv gettin' it is to commit a crime an' file an invintory iv ye'er estate with th' coort. ”

“ A frind iv mine, a prom'nent railroad officyal who calls th' thrains at th' Union deepo, tells me he's cured his wife iv wantin' to go on a vacation. Whiniver he sees her readin' advertisements iv th' summer resorts he knows that th' fit is coming on, an' befure she gets to th' stage iv buyin' a cure f'r freckles he takes her down to th' deepo an' shows her th' people goin' on their vacations an' comin' back. Thin he gives her a boat ride in th' park, takes her to th' theaytre, an' th' next mornin' she wakes up with hardly anny sign iv her indisposition. ”

“ Hogan is a prophet. He's wan iv th' gr-reatest prophets I know. A prophet, Hinnissy, is a man that foresees throuble. No wan wud listen a minyit to anny prophet that prophesized pleasant days. A successful weather prophet is wan that predicts thunder storms, hurrycanes an' earthquakes; a good financial prophet is wan that predicts panics; a pollytickal prophet must look into th' tea leaves an' see th' institutions iv th' wurruld cracked wide open an' th' smiling not to say grinnin', fields iv this counthry iv ours,' or somebody's laid waste with fire and soord. ”

“ But I've seen him read books that wud kill a thruckman. Th' result iv it is that Hogan is always wrong about ivrything. He sees th' wurruld upside down. Some men are affected diff'rent. Readin' makes thim weep. But it makes Hogan believe in fairies while he's at it. He's irresponsible. There ain't annything in th' wurruld f'r him but dark villyans an' blond heroes. An' he's always fightin' these here imaginary inimies an' frinds, wantin' to desthroy a poor, tired, scared villyan, an' losin' his good money to a hero. ”

“ People won't have their souls weighed. I wudden't f'r all th' wurruld have th' wurrud go through th' ward: 'Did ye hear about Dooley's soul?' 'No, what?' 'They had to get an expert accountant to figure its weight, it was that puny.'
"D'ye suppose Dorgan, th' millyonaire, wud consint to it? Whin he entered th' race iv life he was properly handicapped with a soul to offset his avarice an' his ability, so that some iv th' rest iv us wud have a kind iv a show again him. But as soon as he thinks no wan can see him he begins to get rid iv his weight an' comes rompin' home miles ahead. ”

“ In th' good old days we wudden't have thought life was worth livin' if we cudden't insult a foreigner. That's what they were f'r. Whin I was sthrong, befure old age deprived me iv most iv me pathritism an' other infantile disordhers, I niver saw a Swede, a Hun, an Eyetalian, a Boohlgaryan, a German, a Fr-rinchman, that I didn't give him th' shouldher. If 'twas an Englishman I give him th' foot too. Threaty rights, says ye? We give him th' same threaty rights he'd give us, a dhrink an' a whack on th' head. ”

“ Manny's th' time I've bent me proud neck to a decision iv a coort that lasted no longer thin it took th' lawyer f'r th' definse to call up another judge on th' tillyphone. A judge listens to a case f'r days an' hears, while he's figurin' a possible goluf score on his blotting pad, th' argymints iv two or three lawyers that no wan wud dare to offer a judgeship to. Gin'rally speakin', judges are lawyers. They get to be judges because they have what Hogan calls th' joodicyal timp'ramint, which is why annybody gets a job. Th' other kind people won't take a job. They'd rather take a chance. ”

“ Well, sir, if there's wan person in th' wurruld that I really invy 'tis me frind th' ex-Prisidint iv Harvard. What a wondherful thing is youth. Old fellows like ye'ersilf an' me make a bluff about th' advantages iv age. But we know there's nawthin' in it. We have wisdom, but we wud rather have hair. We have expeeryence, but we wud thrade all iv its lessons f'r hope an' teeth. ”

“ Whin a lady begins to wondher if I'm not onhappy in me squalid home without th' touch iv a woman's hand ayether in th' tidy on th' chair or in th' inside pocket iv th' coat, I say: 'No, ma'am, I live in gr-reat luxury surrounded be all that money can buy an' manny things that it can't or won't. ”

“ Yes, Sir, there's no doubt we do a good deal to beautify th' landscape. Whose pitchers ar-re those ye see in th' advertisemints iv th' tailorman? There's not a marrid man among thim. They're all bachelors. What does th' gents' furnishing man hang his finest neckties in th' front window f'r but to glisten with a livelier iris, as Hogan says, th' burnished bachelor? See th' lordly bachelor comin' down th' sthreet, with his shiny plug hat an' his white vest, th' dimon stud that he wint in debt f'r glistenin' in his shirt front, an' th' patent-leather shoes on his feet out-shinin' th' noonday sun. ”

“ Don't niver thrust that there tough-lookin' lady with th' soord in her hand an' th' handkerchief over her eyes. She may be blind, though I've seen thriles where she raised th' bandage an' winked at th' aujence—she may be blind, but 'tis th' fine sinse iv touch she has, an' if ye vinture into her lodgins an' she goes through ye'er pockets an' finds on'y th' pawnticket f'r th' watch ye stole off Hogan, she locks th' dure, takes off th' handkerchief, an' goes at ye with th' soord. ”

“ Dooley, "'tis a grand thing to be a doctor. A man that's a doctor don't have to buy anny funny papers to enjye life. Th' likes iv ye goes to a picnic an' has a pleasant, peaceful day in th' counthry dancin' breakdowns an' kickin' a football in th' sun an' ivry fifteen minyits or so washin' down a couple of dill-pickles with a bottle of white pop. ”

“ Their home life may not be happy. Perhaps 'tis clear that if they wint to th' Rockyfellar institution f'r th' care iv money they'd be in betther surroundings, but whin Jawn thries to carry thim off I raise a cry iv 'Polis,' a mob iv people that niver had a dollar iv their own an' niver will have wan, pounce on th' misguided man, th' polis pinch him, an' th' governmint condemns th' institution an' lets out th' inmates an' a good manny iv thim go to th'bad. ”

“ Dooley, "'tis because they ar-re little ye've got to be polite to thim. A big man knows he don't have to fight, but whin a man is little an' knows he's, little an' is thinkin' all th' time he's little an' feels that ivrybody else is thinkin' he's little, look out f'r him." ”

“ Fame invites a man out iv his house to be crowned f'r his gloryous deeds, an' sarves him with a warrant f'r batin' his wife. 'Tis not in th' nature iv things that it shudden't be so. We'd all perish iv humilyation if th' gr-reat men iv th' wurruld didn't have nachral low-down thraits. If they don't happen to possess thim, we make some up f'r thim. We allow no man to tower over us. Wan way or another we level th' wurruld to our own height. If we can't reach th' hero's head we cut off his legs. ”

“ An appeal, Hinnissy, is where ye ask wan coort to show it's contempt f'r another coort. ”

“ If ye will go on decoratin' ye'er house with shingles an' paint an' puttin' paper on th' walls an' adornin' th' inside iv it with ye'er barbaric taste f'r eight day clocks, cane bottom chairs an' karosene lamps, ye've got to settle, that's all. Ye've flaunted ye'er wealth too long in th' face iv a sturdy people. ”

“ Lave it on th' flure f'r th' boy that sweeps up, oh, son iv a tailor,' he says, an' he gives a nod an' fr'm behind a curtain comes Jawn Johnson with little on him, an' th' next thing ye hear iv th' faithless minister is a squeak an' a splash. He rules be love alone, thinks I, an' feelin' that life without love is useless, annybody that don't love him can go an' get measured f'r a name plate an' be sure he'll need it befure th' price is lower. ”

“ A man ought to be pretty good at th' lock step in a hundhred an' fifty-eight thousand years.
"Well, sir, glory be but times has changed whin they land me gr-reat an' good frind with a fine that's about akel to three millyon dhrunk an' disorderly cases. 'Twud've been cheaper if he'd took to dhrink arly in life. I've made a vow, Hinnissy, niver to be very rich. I'd like to be a little rich, but not rich enough f'r anny wan to notice that me pockets bulged. Time was whin I dhreamed iv havin' money an' lots iv it. 'Tis thrue I begun me dhreams at th' wrong end, spent th' money befure I got it. ”

“ Above all, th' Jap'nese is most to be feared because iv his love iv home an' his almost akel love iv death. He is so happy in Japan that we wud rather die somewhere's else. Most sojers don't like to be kilt. A Jap'nese sojer prefers it. It was hard to convince th' nation that they hadn't lost th' war with Rooshya because not so many Rooshyans had been kilt as Japs. Faith we ought to be scared iv thim. I niver see wan without wondhrin' whether me cellar is bomb-proof.
"An' I sigh f'r th' good old days befure we become what Hogan calls a wurruld power. ”

“ Th' man that tells ye'er blessed childher that th' way a wild goat kills an owl is be pretendin' to be an alarum clock, is an undesirable citizen. He ought to be put in an aquaryum. But take it day in an' day out an' Willum J. Long won't give anny information to ye'er son Packy that'll deceive him much. Th' number iv carryboo, deers, hippypotamuses, allygators, an' muskoxes that come down th' Ar-rchey Road in th' coorse iv a year wudden't make anny wan buy a bow an' arrow. It don't make near as much diff'rence to us how they live as it does to thim how we live. ”

“ Be th' inthraduction iv this harmless dhrug into th' discussion he's been able to get a bill through that's satisfacthry to ivrywan. But I am surprised to see that spunk is on th' free list. Is our spunk industhree dead? Is there no pathrite to demand that we be proticted against th' pauper spunk iv Europe? Maybe me frind Willum Taft had it put on th' free list. I see in a pa-aper th' other day that what was needed at th' White house was a little more spunk. But does he have to import it fr'm abroad, I ask ye? Isn't there enough American spunk? ”

“ Justice is all a poor criminal asks f'r, an' that's what he gets. He don't desarve a anny betther. 'Tis like askin' on'y f'r a pair iv dooces in a car-d game an' havin to bet thim. If I done wrong I'd say: 'Don't deal me anny justice. Keep it f'r thim that wants it. Undher th' circumstances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv injustice an' much mercy. I do not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv me peers. I am a modest man an' I'll accipt me freedom fr'm th' humblest bailiff in th' land. I do not care to come triumphant out iv this ordeel an' repoort other cases f'r th' newspa-apers. ”

“ Us bachelors ar-re a sthrong body iv men polytickally, as well as handsome and brave. If ye thry to tax us we'll fight ye to th' end. If worst comes to worst we won't pay th' tax. Don't ye think f'r a minyit that light-footed heroes that have been eludin' onprincipled females all their lives won't be able to dodge a little thing like a five-dollar tax. There's no clumsy collector in th' wurruld that cud catch up with a man iv me age who has avoided the machinations iv th' fair f'r forty years an' remains unmarrid. ”

“ I wanted to be famous in thim days, whin I was young an' foolish. 'Twas th' dhream iv me life to have people say as I wint by: 'There goes Dooley, th' gr-reatest statesman iv his age,' an' have thim name babies, sthreets, schools, canal boats, an' five-cent seegars afther me, an' whin I died to have it put in th' books that 'at this critical peeryod in th' history of America there was need iv a man who combined strenth iv charackter with love iv counthry. ”

“ Th' Chinese won't buy shoes fr'm us an' ar-re chasin' th' missionaries out iv their cozy villas an' not even givin' thim a chance to carry away their piannies or their silverware. There's th' divvle to pay all along th' levee fr'm Manchurya to Madagascar, accordin' to Hogan. I begin to feel onaisy. Th' first thing we know all th' other subjick races will be up. Th' horses will kick an' bite, the dogs will fly at our throats whin we lick thim, th' fishes will refuse to be caught, th' cattle an' pigs will set fire to th' stock yards an' there'll be a gineral rebellyon against th' white man. ”

“ Th' house is burned, th' sheriff has levied on his furniture or th' fam'ly are down with th' whoopin' cough. On th' other hand we know all about what they are doin' on boord th' levithin. Just as ye'er wife is thinkin' iv ye bein' wrecked on a desert island or floatin' on a raft an' signallin' with an undershirt she picks up th' pa-aper an' reads: 'Th' life iv th' ship is Malachi Hinnissy, a wealthy bachelor fr'm Pittsburg. His attintions to a widow from Omaha are most marked. They make a handsome couple.'
"Well, sir, they must 've had th' gloryus time on boord this new boat. ”

“ I've acchally got to like it,' he says. 'There ain't anny condition iv human life that's not endurable if ye make up ye'er mind that ye've got to endure it,' he says. 'Th' throuble with the rich,' he says, 'is this, that whin a rich man has a perfectly nachral scrap with his beloved over breakfast, she stays at home an' does nawthin' but think about it, an' he goes out an' does nawthin but think about it, an' that afthernoon they're in their lawyers' office,' he says. ”

“ Divoorce is th' on'y luxury supplied be th' law that we don't injye in Ar-rchey Road. Up here whin a marrid couple get to th' pint where 'tis impossible f'r thim to go on livin' together they go on livin' together. They feel that way some mornin' in ivry month, but th' next day finds thim still glarin' at each other over th' ham an' eggs. No wife iver laves her husband while he has th' breath iv life in him, an' anny gintleman that took a thrip to Reno in ordher to saw off th' housekeepin' expinses on a rash successor wud find throuble ready f'r him whin he come back to Ar-rchey Road. ”