George M. Baker

“ Soldier, sailor, tinker, and tailor! Here’s nice company for my boy.
Clap. O, they’re a nice, gentlemanly set, I assure you; very quiet. Mr. Picket is apt to be a little restless nights; walks in his sleep; and sometimes wanders about the house with a loaded musket. Mr. Oakum is of rather a musical turn, and has his “bark upon the sea” a little too often. Mr. Tinpan is very fond of rehearsing his war-cry, “Old kettles to mend;” and Mr. Loopstitch is making frantic efforts to master the trombone. But generally they are quiet, gentlemanly, respectable individuals. ”

“ No more words are necessary. You keep a house for the entertainment of gentlemen who wish a quiet place in the country. You certainly cannot refuse so handsome an offer as I have made you.
Clap. But your son—
Eben. Has comfortable quarters at home, where he belongs. You can inform him of my appearance here, and of the bargain I have made. Tell him to go home and amuse himself; that I shall positively take up my quarters here at six o’clock. (Aside.) There’s something wrong here; “a tender attachment,” I’ll be bound ”

“ I’ll try to sleep. (Lies upon lounge. Loopstitch leans over and runs a needle into his arm.) O, murder! What’s that? Confound this infernal place! (Loopstitch sticks another needle.) O, my arm, my arm! (Jumps up.) I can’t stand this! Here! Help, help, help, help!
Enter Oakum, R. Creeps in very mysteriously; takes Ebenezer by the wrist, and leads him down to the front of the stage.
Oak. Silence! Sh—!
Eben. O, take me out of this! I’m a poor old man.
Oak. Silence! Sh—! Listen to me. You received a note from somebody—
Eben. Yes, I did. Confound somebody!
Oak. Silence! Sh—! “Tender attachment!” ”

“ Hor. Order, order! How do you suppose I can paint with such confusion? You have spoiled everything.
Tim. Faith, it’s not myself that’s to blame.
Oak. Darn him! he’s got a nest of hornets under his jacket! ”

“ Oak. Well, Picket, you managed to give us a pretty good scare last night, walking round with that old blunderbuss! Ef yeou ain’t keerful, yeou’ll let fly at some on us, and then there’ll be a purty case of manslaughter.
Pic. Yaw; manslaughter ish goot. I like him mooch ven I fights mit Sigel. By donder! I tink of dat ebery night in mine shleep, and I no shleep at all.
Oak. Well, consarn yeour picter! deon’t yeou come up my way; if yer du, I’ll souse yer head in a bucket of tar!
Pic. Yaw; I no like dat purty well.
Enter Timothy, L., dressed as the Goddess of Liberty ”

“ Then my son’s tender attachment—
Clap. It’s some trick played to frighten you.
Eben. Perhaps it is, but I have my doubts. Who lodges in this house besides my son?
Clap. Well, sir, on the floor below, there’s Mr. Timothy Tinpan, a nice, gentlemanly—tinker.
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Eben. A tinker?— (Aside.) Bachelors’ Paradise! (Aloud.) Gentlemanly humbug! Who else?
Clap. The next floor above is occupied by Mr. Peter Picket, a military gentleman, who served his country in the great rebellion.
Eben. A soldier! (Noise outside.) What’s that?
Clap. That’s him. He’s always going through his tactics. He dropped his gun. ”

“ A TENDER ATTACHMENT. CHARACTERS. Mr. Clapboard, Proprietor of “Bachelors’ Paradise.” Ebenezer Crotchet, a retired manufacturer. Horace Crotchet, his son. Peter Picket, a soldier. Obed Oakum, a sailor. Timothy Tinpan, a tinker. Louis Loopstitch, a tailor. COSTUMES.
Clapboard, gray wig, brown coat, dark pants.
Ebenezer, gray wig, blue coat with brass buttons, dark pants, hat, and cane. ”

“ Loop. Sacre! vare vill I find vat you call de spade?
Oak. Here; I’ll fix you. (Gives Timothy a thump on the back.)
Tim. Murder and Irish! you’ve broke my ribs!
Hor. Come, come, Tim; put a smiling expression upon your face.
Tim. Smile, is it, with a hornet crawling up my back!
Hor. We’re wasting time. Smile, I tell you.
Tim. Well, then, here goes. (A horrible smile.)
Hor. Now, Loopstitch, triumph in your face.
Loop. Oui, oui. Vive la triomphe!
Hor. That’s very good. Now, Picket, let a martial spirit glow in your face. ”

“ Enter Picket, with musket, slowly, on tiptoe.
Pic. Who goes dare?
Eben. O, heavens! There’s that insane old grenadier! What will become of me?
Pic. Sh—! By donder, I see some noise! Sh—! Who goes dare? Sh—! Somepody mit a gun. Advance pefore you speak, and say something. Sh—! (Creeps about the room on tiptoe.)
Eben. (On lounge.) If he discovers me, I am a lost man!
Pic. By donder, if dare ish nopody here, vy don’t you speak? You vant your coat-tails shot through mit a pullet. (Creeps back to door, R.) I fight mit Sigel. Sh—! By donder! I never hear so mooch silence pefore! ”

“ Hor. He’s very particular to have everything about him quiet. I offer no suggestions. If you can manage to scare him a little, I’ve no objections.
Tim. Faith, lave us alone for that.
Oak. Come to my room, boys; we’ll fix the old skinflint! Come along.
Tim. Yaw; flint ish goot ven I fight mit Sigel.
Oak. O, never mind Seagull. Come along.
Loop. Sacre! Vat you fix his flint with? I no comprehend.
Oak. I’ll fix everything all right. Leave it to me. Come along.
[Exit, R.
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Tim. I’m wid yees. If there’s to be a shindy, count me in. ”

“ Vat you mean by dat—hey, Monsieur Oakum?
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Hor. Come, now take your places.
Tim. All right; away wid yees. (Takes position in centre of stage; left hand against his breast, right hand pointing up.)
Hor. That’s right; now Victory. (Loopstitch gets upon a stool behind Timothy, and holds wreath over his head.) Very well. Now, then, for the army and navy. (Picket stands R. of Timothy, leaning upon his musket; Oakum stands L., his arms folded.) Good, good! Positions are all right. ”

“ A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.
31. Hit Him, He has No Friends. A Farce in One Act. By E. Yates and N. H. Harrington. 7 Male, 3 Female characters.
32. The Christening. A Farce in One Act. By J. B. Buckstone. 5 Male, 6 Female characters.
33. A Race for a Widow. A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 5 Male, 4 Female characters.
34. Your Life’s in Danger. A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.
35. True unto Death. A Drama in Two Acts. By J. Sheridan Knowles. 6 Male, 2 Female characters.
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A TENDER ATTACHMENT. A FARCE. ”