George M. Baker

“ Snowball (jumping up) . See here, white folks, what’s de use? what’s de use?
Precise. Mr. Snowball, you’re out of order.
All. Go on, Snowball. Fire away.
Snowball. Mr. Foreman and gemblem. Of course it am. Why not? And, if not, wherefore? I ax you. If de blessed Constitution of dese ere United States ob America don’t permit the humblest of her sex to choose de proper medicines for dar physical systerns, wedder it be gunpowder or gunpowder tea, what’s de use ob bein’ citizens and citizenesses of dese here republic? I ax you. Who’s Popgun? Am he, or am he not, a phusician? ”

“ The man made gunpowder, and sold it, didn’t pay the tax, and you fellows over there know it. You’re a set of obstinate fools; and it’s the duty of all loyal citizens to stand by the government and punish traitors. The government’s been insulted by this contemptible Popgun, and you fellows on the left uphold him. Our duty is clear, to bring you to your senses. (Takes off coat.) So, come on. (Squares off.)
O’Rourke. I’m wid yez. Fag a ballah! Erin come unim.
All. Order, order.
Precise. Gentlemen, peace, I pray. Mr. Strongfist, your argument is very weak.
Strongfist. Is it? ”

“ Good gracious! they’re mighty [14] ——
Precise. Mr. Paunch, Mr. Paunch!
Paunch. They’re mighty fine. What did you say, sir?
Precise. Will you give your reasons for voting “Not guilty”?
Paunch. Certainly. Stop. Did I vote “Not guilty”? I don’t remember. It don’t make any difference. Settle it as you please, only remember I must dine with Alderman Cross at five. (Sits and goes to sleep again.)
Snowball. Question, question! We’ll all dine with Cross, hey! I ax you.
Precise. Mr. Slow, you next.
Slow. Hey? Yes. Well, I don’t know. Popgun did make gunpowder, I guess, cause he had a little shop. ”

“ Evidence has been produced on both sides. We have been charged to bring in a verdict on the evidence alone. I am quite convinced, by the testimony, that said Popgun did manufacture gunpowder, and evade the tax. Still, I should like to hear a free expression of opinion.
All (jumping up) . Mr. Foreman.
Precise. Stop, stop. One at a time.
All. Yes, yes; one at a time, Mr. Foreman.
Precise. Stop, stop, I say. We can never settle it in this way.
Strongfist. Of course we can’t. Let us six fight the other six. That will settle it. ”

“ Mr. Foreman, I protest. This attempt to stifle the voice of Justice is a high-handed crime.
[11]
Snowball. Yes, sar; it’s bigamy, kleptomania, arson.
Precise. Order, gentlemen.——Go on, Mr. Timorous.
Timorous. But then I haven’t any particular opinion in the matter; and if you want me to change——
Blower. Silence, traitor!
Snowball. Shut up yer tater trap.
Punster. Suppose you sit, for a change. (Pulls him down to seat.)
Timorous. Anything to oblige.
Precise. Mr. Jolly.
Jolly (rising) . My turn, hey? Mr. Foreman, and gentlemen of the jury,——
To make or not to make, that is the question. ”

“ Snowball. No, sar, no, sar. I move we lay him onto de table, sinner die.
O’Rourke. Die, is it, ye black sinner? Howld yer pate, or you’ll die jist.
Doubtful (rising) . Mr. Foreman, and gentlemen of the jury, there’s one p’int in this evidence I want cleared up.
O’Rourke. Is it a pint of whiskey, I donno?
All. Order, order.
O’Rourke. That’s what I’d like to do, and drink it, too.
Doubtful. If that air Popgun made gunpowder, why didn’t somebody see him do it? Cause a man’s got saltpetre in his house, and sulphur and charcoal, it doesn’t foller that he’s going to make gunpowder. ”

“ I don’t care what his moral perquisites be, wedder he vote de demicratic or de bobolition. Does [18] he cure de squills which air am flesh to? I ax you. When dat ar old man, which my white brudder alluded to, had de influendways, did he stop his sneezin? ”