John Oxenford

“ BOLT. The very thing! I dote upon stout, and so does Mrs. Steele.
MISS B. La, my dear, I like nothing so plebeian; it’s taking away one’s character to say so.
MRS. S. And I faint at the smell of cheese.
MIZ. Waiter!
WAITER. Yes, sir.
MIZ. A decanter of water for the ladies, and butter instead of cheese.
BOLT. Exactly!—only a pint of stout.
MISS B. Stay! Have you nothing but bread and butter and cheese in the house?
BOLT. Have you got any onions?
MISS B. Have you no poultry?
BOLT. (Aside.) Poultry! what pretty chickens!
WAITER. A couple of fowls are roasting for my master’s dinner ”

“ BOLT. Very likely not, ma’am.
MIZ. It is exceedingly probable.
BOLT. The fact is—ahem!—the facts are these: there is no such person as Miss Brown; Miss Brown has ceased to be Miss Brown—and I’m a happy man.
MRS. S. What! do you mean that Miss Brown is married, and that you are—
BOLT. Precisely; I see she has not disclosed the tender secret.
MIZ. (Aside.) Ha, ha! it is funny, after all.
BOLT. Miss Brown, you see, is now Mrs. Steele. Yes—my name is Steele, and this gentleman’s name is Addison.
MIZ. Yes, ma’am, my name is Maddison—Ha, ha, ha! ”

“ CUT. No matter; some one else can represent you. The coach is unlike my heart—it can just admit another. Waiter!—shew us into a private room.
WAITER. Yes, sir; this way.—James, conduct the lady to the blue parlour.
CUT. Blue! another omen—emblem of constancy.
HAR. Single, another day! what a misfortune!
(Exeunt, R.)
WAITER. Hollo, James! James! bustle about; four more on the stairs!—shew them in here; all the other rooms are full. What a house we have to-day.
Enter BOLT, MIZZLE, MISS B., and MRS. S., L. H. D.
BOLT. Sit down, ladies,—sit down. ”

“ Addison is content with merely being a spectator.
COT. Come, this troublesome day’s work is well over. You have some time had my forgiveness, Harriet; I wish not to say anything unpleasant—but when I contrast your conduct with that of these two excellent young men——
BOLT. Oh, sir, we have done but our duty.—Come forward, Bobby.—I repeat it, our duty: our duty is to amuse these ladies and gentlemen,—and if anything we have done has contributed to that desirable end, we certainly think our “Day has been well Spent.” ”

“ BOLT. Cause—ah—madam, the cause is the reason, ma’am—Ahem! and the reason is the cause.— (Aside.) She must have a customer named Smith. You doubtless know—Miss Smith?
MRS. S. No, sir! I have not that honour.
MIZ. (Aside.) Of course not; everything goes wrong to-day.
BOLT. (Aside.) Smith wont do—I’ll try Brown. Miss Brown, madam, you know?
MRS. S. Oh dear, yes! Miss Brown is one of my best customers.
BOLT. Ha! ha! Bobby, the lady and I understand each other now, don’t we? (Nudges him.)
MRS. S. (Aside.) What odd persons!—Yes, sir; but Miss Brown?
BOLT. True, true! about Miss Brown. ”

“ Enter COTTON, with a letter.
COT. Provoking! to leave my shop all day for the sake of calling on this old Wealthington!—that I should be required to call on him!—not but he is a rich relation, and I have great expectations from him; and my foreman, Bolt, and apprentice Mizzle, are quite fit persons with whom to entrust my shop. Egad, to make all the naughty apprentices look on those two young men would be as good a lesson as going to see George Barnwell on a boxing night!
Enter CUTAWAY, C. D.
CUT. Hollo! no one in the shop! ha, ha!— (Aside.) ”

“ BRIDG. Oh! certainly; eight and sixpence; here, Coachman. (Gives him money, and exit COACHMAN, C.) —A gentleman, too! It is a new fashion for ladies to bring their gentlemen with them.
(Exit, L.H.)
BOLT. Well, what do you think of this?
MIZ. Nothing at all; it’s of a piece with the rest. They’ll take us to the station-house soon. We’re in limbo here; admire the garden wall from the window. My eye! ”

“ BOLT. Ha! ha! ha! Don’t be down-hearted Bobby—here is a third adventure;—it will have an end. But give me time, my boy, and I’ll get through anything.
MIZ. Then if you could get through that keyhole, it [Pg 21] would be the best exercise for your ingenuity. (Rain heard.) ’Gad it is coming on to rain like the very deuce!
BOLT. Here is a shelter; we’ll get in here.
MIZ. Yes! and we shall soon have the pleasure of seeing Old Cotton let himself in. Crikey! what a well-spent day! ”

“ Hem, she has got a new cloak by the way.
MRS. C. But I have not introduced you. (Crosses L. C.) Mr. Bolt, Mr. Cutaway; Mr. Cutaway, Mr. Bolt. (They both bow.)
CUT. (Aside.) How queer it is to be introduced to one’s self!—I’m beside myself.
MIZ. (Whispers.) I say, Bolt, how do you like yourself?
BOLT. Not at all! Curse me if there isn’t another incident.
MIZ. A second me will walk in next.
MRS. C. How embarrassed they seem—and I see through all: Miss Harriet seems afraid of Mr. Bolt seeing her. How well I understand her feelings.
Enter BRIDGET, L.
BRIDG. Mr. Cotton, ma’am. ”

“ BOLT, MIZZLE, and CUTAWAY. (Together.) Who?
BRIDG. Mr. Cotton.
(BOLT and CUTAWAY instantly run off through Gothic window, MIZZLE, R. H.)
MRS. C. Gentlemen! young lady! what a dispersion! Why, at any rate, Mr. Bolt should vanish—
Enter COTTON, HARRIET, MISS BROWN, and MRS. STITCHLEY, L. H.
(Exit BRIDGET, L.)
COT. Ah, Mrs. Chargely, how d’ye do?—I have brought some ladies with me.
MRS. C. Happy to see any of your friends, Mr. Cotton; but one little thing I must say to you, (draws him apart,) don’t be too severe with your daughter. ”

“ Yes, and so are we done brown—by Miss Brown, too!
Enter 2nd WAITER and COTTON, L. 2 E.
2nd WAITER. Here, sir; there is a party the other side of the screen; our inn is so full, sir.
COT. No matter; this will do. (Sits at small table.) Bring up some cold meat directly, and the paper.
(Exeunt both WAITERS, L. 2 E.)
MIZ. Stay, I’ve a thought!—there may be an Irish cousin, or naval officer, there. I’ll peep through. (Looks through crevice of screen.) —Oh—
BOLT. Ladies, what I have to say is——
MIZ. (Whispers.) Hold your tongue! you don’t know who is on the other side. ”

“ BOLT. I, madam, will settle that account.
MIZ. (Aside.) He’ll settle himself if he does; he must be flush to-day.
MRS. S. I’ll send my servant for a stamp directly, sir.
BOLT. Don’t hurry yourself, ma’am; I’ll settle it to-morrow. That’s what I called for,—to tell you I’d settle it to-morrow.
MRS. S. Oh—h—h!— (Aside.) There’s a great vulgarity about him.
BOLT. I’ve nothing more to say. Good morning, ma’am—nothing.— (Aside.) Besides, the old man must be a mile off by this time.
MIZ. Good by, ma’am.— (Aside.) I say, Bolt, I vote [Pg 7] we go back to the shop ”

“ This transcription is based on images digitized from a microform copy made available by the University of California, Davis. These images have been posted on the Internet Archive at:
archive.org/details/OxenfordDayWellSpent
In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting, punctuation and spelling of the source text, including variant spellings such as “good by” and “wont” (instead of “won’t”) . In a few cases where the quality of the images made a word or a punctuation mark hard to read, the obvious reading was considered the correct reading without comment. ”

“ BOLT. Ha, ha, ha! Yes.— (Aside) Dear Steele! She jumps at it.—I’m magnetic steel. (Whisper) —Inserted a period after “Aside” and “Whisper”. p. 9: A Room at an Inn—A window open, with balcony, a little to the R. in flat,—A large screen—Deleted the comma after “flat”. p. 10: (Whispers) I’ll tell you what we must do, Bobby,—Inserted a period after “Whispers”. p. 12: Makes signs to BOLT—slips MISS BROWN’S cloak and bonnet offchair—Changed “offchair” to “off chair”. p. 12: I have it, Mr Cotton has a foreman named Bolt—Added a period after “Mr” for consistency. ”