John Oxenford

“ I was the man that wept, sir, you were the man that made me weep; you touched my heart, sir, you touched my heart.
WHITE. (aside) Really, a most sensible old gentleman!
DE W. Lingering at the door, I learned that the prisoner was acquitted. So I walked home, and I said to myself—Whitewash is my destined son-in-law. I as a manufacturer of fancy soap remove physical impurities from the skin; Whitewash effaces the blots that calumny has cast upon innocence.
WHITE. Innocence!
DE W. Of course; no one knows better than you that that poor persecuted being was innocence itself. ”

“ EUCLID. Yes.
MRS. F. Like a hamper, big enough to put you in.
EUCLID. Yes, yes, well— (aside.) I had better not say I helped Fanny, or she’ll blow up.
MRS. F. Well, you’ll promise not to say anything, give me your word.
EUCLID. My love, not I; upon my word.
MRS. F. What do you suppose is in that basket?
EUCLID. Oh, I don’t know—pickled salmon. He! he! (aside.) I shall learn something.
MRS. F. It is a man.
EUCLID. Hey—what?
MRS. F. A man!
EUCLID. (aside.) The devil it was. My sweetest, you must be mistaken.
MRS. F. I heard him talk; he is De Mowbray, Julia’s unknown lover. ”

“ BOLT. So you are, my chicken; think yourself lucky if you don’t get your neck twisted.
MIZ. Bravo, Charley! I’ll stand and see fair play.—Take care number one don’t come and fire some Dartford superfine in your face.
PRIG. Oh, sir, I am very unwilling to be hanged.
BOLT. Then, most worthy character, take off that mask, as I have unmasked you—take off that great coat, as I have dismantled your villainy—and your hat off, because, because, I want it—and now take yourself off. ”

“ DE W. Yes, I dare say you think that a very good joke, but what I am going to tell you is no joke. If Pawkins is a thief, you shan’t have my daughter, and Tango shall.
WHITE. Monstrous!
DE W. Not at all, I give you my girl because I regard you as a noble defender of persecuted innocence; but if persecuted innocence turns out to be a low pilfering scoundrel, I naturally retract.
WHITE. But, my dear, sir, the doctrine you so strangely maintain is diametrically opposed to the very principles of British jurisprudence. ”

“ I wonder where Bobby is.
MIZ. (Still in cloak and bonnet, looking out of window, R. 3 E.) Charley, is that you?
BOLT. Yes; how snug you look, up there!
MIZ. How do you like your day’s pleasure?
BOLT. Amazingly! It is a spicy sort of pleasure—keeps one awake. I told you we should have something to laugh at.
MIZ. Yes, the wrong side of our mouths. If ever I do go out with you again!
Enter CUTAWAY, with ladder, L. U. E. BOLT steps back.
CUT. Fortune favours the bold. ”

“ PAWKINS. Why, I cannot say nuffing, while you goes on choking me like that! (FERGUSON lets go) That’s better! Well, then, I didn’t have no thoughts about Mrs. Ferguson—Mrs. Ferguson don’t come up to my hideas of female beauty. (snaps his fingers) That for Mrs. Ferguson! If you will tear from me the secrets of my ’art, I com’d arter Jemima, Mrs. Ferguson’s young ’oman—there, now, ye knows all about it. I’ve told the truth, and I can shame—Ferguson! ”

“ BOLT. The very thing! I dote upon stout, and so does Mrs. Steele.
MISS B. La, my dear, I like nothing so plebeian; it’s taking away one’s character to say so.
MRS. S. And I faint at the smell of cheese.
MIZ. Waiter!
WAITER. Yes, sir.
MIZ. A decanter of water for the ladies, and butter instead of cheese.
BOLT. Exactly!—only a pint of stout.
MISS B. Stay! Have you nothing but bread and butter and cheese in the house?
BOLT. Have you got any onions?
MISS B. Have you no poultry?
BOLT. (Aside.) Poultry! what pretty chickens!
WAITER. A couple of fowls are roasting for my master’s dinner ”

“ THWAITES. Thwaites, at your service, sir. Cards ain’t common in our business; but my address is——
WHITE. Of your address, Mr. Thwaites, I have not the slightest doubt. But I would speak a word with you.
THWAITES. And I’ll listen if you talk for an hour. If I take up the newspaper, is it to read about politics? No! About plays?—No, I should rather think not! About pictures? bother, no! I look to see if Mr. Whitewash has been saying something for some poor devil in the Central Criminal Court. ”

“ JULIA. I forget, I am sure—and the terrestial globe is gone to be repaired. (pointing to cover, which conceals FANNY.) It seems to have come home.
HOLD. Take off the cover, Euclid.
EUCLID. (aside.) Another incident! No, no—this globe is dreadfully inaccurate—full of mistakes.
MRS. F. Nonsense, dear, it will do.
EUCLID. No, no, no.
JULIA. How very warm he is.
MRS. F. What is come to you? I may look at it, and will!
EUCLID. No, no; don’t touch it!
[Pg 18]
MRS. F. But, Mr. Euclid, I insist—
HOLD. True, true—the globe was made to be looked at. Let us settle our dispute. ”

“ BOLT. Very likely not, ma’am.
MIZ. It is exceedingly probable.
BOLT. The fact is—ahem!—the facts are these: there is no such person as Miss Brown; Miss Brown has ceased to be Miss Brown—and I’m a happy man.
MRS. S. What! do you mean that Miss Brown is married, and that you are—
BOLT. Precisely; I see she has not disclosed the tender secret.
MIZ. (Aside.) Ha, ha! it is funny, after all.
BOLT. Miss Brown, you see, is now Mrs. Steele. Yes—my name is Steele, and this gentleman’s name is Addison.
MIZ. Yes, ma’am, my name is Maddison—Ha, ha, ha! ”

“ Freedom's courage lasts the longest,
Ending but with death!
Freedom countless hosts can scatter,
Freedom stoutest mail can shatter,
Freedom thickest walls can batter,
Fate is in her breath.
See, they now are flying!
Dead are heap'd with dying!
Over might hath triumph'd right,
Our land to foes denying;
Upon their soil we never sought them,
Love of conquest hither brought them,
But this lesson we have taught them,
"Cambria ne'er can yield!"
This work was published before January 1, 1928, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago. ”

“ WHITE. But surely, you understand, my dear sir, that when one speaks professionally——
DE W. Sir, no one has business to tell lies, professionally or not; a man should always speak what he thinks. I follow the dictates of my heart, and I always speak what I think; my heart is in my heart, and my heart is in my mouth. ”

“ It is a fine thing to be a victim of cruelty at seventeen. And now as you are so fond of giving advice, let me ask you why you are so very severe to that unfortunate little man, your husband?
MRS. F. What you call severity, arises from my strict sense of propriety, of which I am sorry to say, Mr. Facile has not so strict a sense.
JULIA. No! why for all I can see, the poor dear little man does nothing but sit with his mathematical books before him all day, looking just like our geography master. Then he is such a very easy man. ”

“ Really, my dear Miss de Windsor we should do wrong to check this diffusion of intelligence among the masses.
Enter DE WINDSOR, C. from L. C.
DE W. He is here—is he—the dear boy. I must shake him by the hand. (rushes forward, R. C. and grasps THWAITES by the hand) Eh! ha! ha! You’re not Whitewash! Ridiculous! I’m always making myself ridiculous; I’ve too much heart. You feel what I mean, Whitewash. ”

“ CUT. No matter; some one else can represent you. The coach is unlike my heart—it can just admit another. Waiter!—shew us into a private room.
WAITER. Yes, sir; this way.—James, conduct the lady to the blue parlour.
CUT. Blue! another omen—emblem of constancy.
HAR. Single, another day! what a misfortune!
(Exeunt, R.)
WAITER. Hollo, James! James! bustle about; four more on the stairs!—shew them in here; all the other rooms are full. What a house we have to-day.
Enter BOLT, MIZZLE, MISS B., and MRS. S., L. H. D.
BOLT. Sit down, ladies,—sit down. ”

“ MRS. F. The very thing I dread; he not only lets me have my own way, but every one else too. He is the confidant of all the young ladies in the village; the very servants ask his advice on every single point, and he gives it—is never affronted.
JULIA. Dear, good-natured soul!
MRS. F. There’s that Fanny Pepper has innumerable points to consult him upon—a forward slut, who apes me in everything. If I wear ringlets, she wears ringlets—makes her caps like mine. ”